songbird73

moving forward is tough. so many things to redirect now. i can not control what my A thinks or does. he is his own force among the world. all i can do is put one foot ahead of the other & keep moving forward. my children have always been my focus & i guess i should feel grateful in a way that now im no longer a part of what my A does. tho the no contact thing was not my idea & yes i longed for a way to love my A to being a better person. that is a silly dream. i have no control over anything he says, thinks or does. he is a world unto himself. unaware of what he has left for me to clean up & uncaring of the pain & hurt he has caused me. or if he does care he hides it well. whatever. i do not hate him. he is father to our son & even tho an alcoholic, i still believe he does love our son. in however limited his view of love is. i pray daily for peace & acceptance. yes i also pray that maybe one day he can truely regain his mind & find true lasting healing because i am sure that it does happen for some. even tho i guess from all i have sadly learned of the disease alcoholism, suscessfull lasting recovery is sketchy & only possible thru honest hard work & for many takes years to come if it ever really comes at all. dry drunk is a term i think i have become to understand. i may not have been special to him but maybe that really is more a reflection on him than on me. not that i mean it makes him a bad person, we share a son & i will always love him & wish for different but maybe it just makes it sad for him. maybe he is just really unhappy in himself & love is something he does not understand anymore than i understand french.
praying helps me alot. and im thankful that God is calming my spirit & showing me that i can find peace even amid the wreakage of my broken heart, hopes & dreams. in somes eyes i may have been stupid but i can be ok. it is not wrong to believe in people & it is not wrong to forgive & maybe even bend over backwards in showing that love & forgiveness. just maybe not bend over so far you break in half. in forgiving i enabled. in trying to keep the peace & everyone quiet & happy in sepperate corners, i allowed the disease to invade my home & my sanity suffered & so did the sanity of my children. i still do not believe it was wrong to love. not even wrong to love the alcoholic that i ended up loving. yes, maybe it was all just part of his usual pattern & i should not be hurt or supprised that he seems to have no feelings for me anymore. maybe the man i thought i knew never existed except in my mind. maybe he does but is crippled by fear & imagined resentments. how sad for him & yes for me too. but i will be ok. i am strong even when i do not want to be. i talk to my boys more. we play in the yard daily. we watch tv together, not all sepperate in quiet little corners. we eat, we laugh. we play games together again. i have us back in church, which for me has always been a wonderful help in my life but was something that i neglected while with my A. i sing daily which for me is VERY important. music is how i have always expressed my joy. i am trying to remember all my many blessings in life. & try to stay focused on my boys & just being peaceful in my moment. some days it works & some days im sad all over again. but each time my peace feels a little more solid. one day it will be lasting & i will look back & see how far i have come & be proud. i can still pray for his sobriety & that he can overcome alcoholic thinking & behaviors. our son deserves that. he deserves that. but i can do nothing. it is truely in Gods hands as am i.
i am grateful that i found this site as it has been very helpful to me in understanding things. up till last june/july i had no idea of any of this. i believed it was somehow my fault & believed every mean hurtful thing said to me. twisted myself up in emotional knots looking for some way to fix things. it is hard learning there is nothing i can do. even tho i still love him or at least the 'him' i imagined he was under the alcohol. with sharing a child together i can not just walk away. but i guess i can learn how to stand way back & remember how it was to be happy & not have all this stress. every day is a new day. every day a new beginning. like Easter everyday without the darn bunny : ) peacefull thoughts become peaceful actions. so bring on the peace. i can heal from this & i bet i come out stronger. who knows? maybe he will too. as this past few years have taught me, stranger things have happened. i just cant think or wait or hope on that anymore.
thank you

Dublin

Wishing you some peace and keep singing and don't believe the things that were said to hurt you. You have your truth.

Pelican

Thank you for sharing your journey.

I believe your children are blessed to have a mom so caring, smart and inspirational.

May your recovery continue to be blessed.

ShootingStar1

What a lovely post! My heart is with you

ShootingStar1

sunnshinegirl

Yes, a beautiful post. Thank you for it. It also helped me just reading your story.

songbird73

thank you. it has been very helpful to me being on this site & reading everyone elses stories & just getting better informed. i had no clue. im just continuing to pray for peace & healing for my whole family, A included. i find i can still love him & pray for better yet not bleed out anymore over my loss. i am not saying im moving on, instead im saying i am walking forward. only God knows what my future holds. i would like to pray that love is still in my future. but for now im grateful for peace & a calm spirit...& im making sure to sing & dance everyday : ) my poor neighbors! better me singing loud for all to hear (im actually quite good) than me & my A arguing : )