Amber23

Sigh. Haven't posted in a while....same old story...same old process....It seems like things are slowly progressing...in some direction.

Firstly I am learning that perhaps there is a bipolar issue looming beneath AH alcoholism. I always blamed the booze but I am starting to see the highs and lows. His mom says this is just the alcoholism....the manic behavior....but I am not so sure.

Why does it matter ....I dunno....I just think this is part of my process. Wrapping my head around it......

I read that like 60% of bipolar people medicate with substances...my point: how do we let someone hit bottom when it isn't "just" the devil water??? Know what I mean?

I guess its the same thing. They need to want to get help for whatever the problem is. But I doubt he will ever embrace a diagnosis that includes medication.

I have always been somewhat unsympathetic to the issues of mental suffering. My mother suffers depression and maybe bipolar and I was resentful and annoyed growing up. After having a near nervous breakdown 2 years ago I realized how hard it must be to live daily with mental illness.

I figure maybe it is a karmic lesson that I experienced in order to be a more understanding person....
That being said......

I focus on me and DD. I started Alanon. We are still broke with him not working and his parents send us rent money.....this conflicts me royally!!!!

I know they do it so we don't lose the house, I don't leave him, etc. I know that it is enabling for.... both of us... .but at the same time I don't know what to do except accept it...

I see no way out of this cycle..... I can't work full time as my dd isn't in school and I need the flexibility for when he goes into detox or hasn't slept in days etc....

On top of all the "excuses" I am nervous about leaving the part-time job for a "real" job when DD will be in school or I can access childcare. I feel like I have been living a double life for sooooo long...keeping up appearances, trying to keep it all together. ..my head is tired..... my self esteem is slightly shot as well. panic attacks have been kept at bay, but I am aware of their presence.....sigh

I say all this because I am looking at the fact that I need to grab the reins and bring in enough money to support us if I don't want his parent's doing it.....this means less time with DD, more stress....more tired head....lol .sigh
Just venting....

When rational people tell me he should do this or that and I need to do this or that...I tell them if it were that easy this wouldn't be a problem.

kasie

Hey Amber,

Thanks for the post - it's good to have you back with the SR family!

As for letting someone hit rock bottom when it's not just alcoholism, I can't offer a precise answer. I've not had experience with bipolar, only anxiety and depression. But I too have been reluctant to let my exABF hit rock bottom - principally due to the fact that he's threatened suicide before, and I'm inclined to think that hitting rock bottom might exacerbate those thoughts.

I really don't think I can offer any advice here - but wanted to assure you of my thoughts for you, along with plenty of hugs. Stay strong, focus on you and think about doing something that you enjoy - whether it's something as simple as going for a walk or having a coffee in a cafe and reading a book. The little things can make the world of difference for your self esteem.

Xxx

Anaya

Hello, Amber. I understand your struggle and know the feeling of reluctance to let one hit bottom when mental illness is part of the picture. My son is currently stable and, so, I'm able to detach and move on with my life; but a few years back, when he was using regularly and suicidal (he was also a teen and dependent on us), it was real hard to picture us (his dad and I) pulling the rug from under him in order that he hit his bottom.

I feel your pain and send hugs to you. It sounds like you're a great mom.

LexieCat

What I see as the main problem in the way you are looking at this is how to do what's "best" for him--whether he can hit "rock bottom," what his reaction would be if you left, how you could manage to be flexible IF he goes to rehab, etc.

It's very hard while you're in the midst of the insanity to see a way out of your predicament, but what I have found is that when you take steps to improve your own life, things have a way of falling into place.

Your primary obligations are to your daughter and yourself. Is continuing to live with a mentally ill, alcoholic spouse worth the toll it is taking on the two of you? You've already indicated that he probably won't accept the help that he needs. Does that obligate you to stay for the rest of your life, in bondage to his illness and at great cost to your daughter's life?

IF you were to decide to remove yourself and your daughter from the chaos, you would probably find that you would qualify for many kinds of assistance to help you get on your feet and stay there. Housing assistance, employment assistance, childcare assistance. Would taking TEMPORARY assistance of that kind be worse than accepting it from his parents? Their assistance is keeping you trapped. Government assistance would have the goal of making you independent. Many single parents manage to make good lives for themselves and their kids.

Just some things to think about. There are solutions for any obstacles. Building a new life does take a lot of effort, but the freedom you gain could be priceless.

petmagnet

Has he ever been on any anti -d before? The SSRI type like lexapro for example? My Ah is bipolar 2. Most bipolars will go into some sort of manic phase on that kind of drug- really hyper, unable to rest, racing thoughts, excessive talking, grandiose behavior. I mean he ramped up and was incredibly hyper on it. It's tricky though cuz the highs and lows of alcoholism can mimic BP2. My AH has a family history so it was more obvious to the psychiatrist that it was part of the problem. They took him off the SSRI and gave him depacote. I no longer see the swings, but he's still drinking out of habit as his coping mechanism to any emotion. So, yes part of the Alcohol dependency he formed was to deal with his hi and lows- emotions. I wish the BP meds took care of the problem, but right now the main issue is that he still feels lost without his drink. He doesn't want to live with out it. Or face the feelings he has. So until that happens, and is willing to give it up, he won't get better. The meds make the chances of success for a BP to stop abusing alcohol higher, but they still have to want it.

dessy

Know how u feel. My Ah has metal health issues as well. He wouldn't get help foe it for a long time. He finally has and is on medication now but still Cronkite. Detoxing soon see post. If I had left while his mental health issues were bad I have no doubt he would have killed himself. Now's I can talk too him about boundaries and leaving if his behaviiur continue and know he wouldn't hurt himself. I couldn't have dealt with my guilt if I left before so stayed for me as well as him. I have started to detach ad this helps. Can't your inlaws help withbabysittingso u can work? I'm lucky my ah doesn't drink till late so I work mornings and he has the kids. I work casual though so it is easier with relapses and events.he has been in mental facilities 4 times in the last 4 yrs, self harmed, and suffered severe depression. We are slowly getting there with counseling, psycholoogist and go,s help. It took time though and hasn't been easy. Can you talk to him when sober? Hugs and keep reading. Know how u are feeling

Amber23

Thank you all for your replies. It helped hearing you say you understand and your words were reassuring to me.....seriously!
I have been very inpatient with him this week even though he plans to go to detox (again) this week. I think I am scared and feel badly for him, but sometimes it seems easier for me to be mad at him.
He has been playing a lot of music, but it is repetitive and loud....self-absorbed, but a form of therapy for his head. But geesh my head is tired too. He is so beat and tired but I feel annoyed at the lack of space for my own head.
I don't see him working soon...or not drinking for an extended time. Usually he drinks at night so it doesn't affect my work, but at a point he gets so wiped out from the cycle. We have state insurance which only covers detox (which I am grateful for) but there is no rehab except some counseling which he tried before. To no avail....

Thanks for the words....gotta get my own therapy and keep my feet under me....and as my grandmother always said" keep your wits about you"

Pelican

How do WE let someone hit bottom when they also have a mood disorder?

Couple things about that:
1) We are powerless over an addict. We didn't cause it, can't control it, and won't cure it. Therefore, we aren't letting them hit bottom, but we are removing ourselves as the buffer that keeps them from experiencing the consequences of their choices.

2) The bi-polar is speculation on your part. Also called, future tripping, awful-i-zing, and borrowing trouble. Reality: he has not been diagnosed, by a trained professional, with bi-polar.

3) Alcohol is a depressant. Alcohol can cause extreme lows in the person drinking.

Based on my personal history of alcoholism and depression, I was not able to address my depression effectively until I had an extended period of sobriety/recovery established.

If your AH is serious about getting sober, Salvation Army and AA are still free for alcoholics seeking recovery.

redatlanta

My RAH is also bi-polar 2. Once he was properly medicated the curtains opened and life started for us. Its a horrible illness to live with untreated. It also mimics several other disorders SO.....until he has been diagnosed you don't know if that is what you got.

If he is willing to go to detox would he be willing to go to a facility that also has psychiatric support?

I was lucky in some ways RAH knew something was wrong and had searched for years to get help with his depression and insomnia. He was misdiagnosed as clinically depressed and put SSRI anti-depressants which are horrible for a bipolar. We did seek out help and got other diagnosis like Borderline Personality Disorder and everyone said he was clinically depressed. We happened to stumble over a Neuro Psychiatrist specializing in BP who took the time to read RAH medical history. Its very important to find a doc who specializes in it lest you end up with mis diagnosis like we did for 10 years.

Please keep in mind there is no test for Bi Polar. There are signs (which are also signs for other disorders). The only way to really know is to take the meds and see if they work.

Best of luck.