Well I just left my first Alanon meeting...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Well I just left my first Alanon meeting...
I want to apologize for all of my recent posts and I promise not to hog up the forum but I'm only a few days new to SR and I've been pouring it all out. Thank you all for the suggestion and encouragement to attend Alanon. I went tonight and held back the tears. I was actually the last person to share my story but it felt so good to be in a room with others who understand and aren't judgmental and "get it." My biggest problem is that I'm obsessed with him and I need to let it go. I'm obsessed with why he left, what he's doing, is he regretting his decision, did he fall out of love with me, will he call, will he come back, will he meet someone else, will he sleep with someone else and on and on and on.
This is particularly hard for me because he rejected me, he abandoned me yet I wasn't the one with the problem. So I'm obsessed. I think about him 24/7. I need to let go.
I think Alanon will help me with that.
Thanks everyone.
This is particularly hard for me because he rejected me, he abandoned me yet I wasn't the one with the problem. So I'm obsessed. I think about him 24/7. I need to let go.
I think Alanon will help me with that.
Thanks everyone.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm so glad you went and I promise you that it gets better each time.
Something that helps me when I am obsessed with anything is to keep busy doing something that takes my mind off the obsession. Sometimes I go for a walk and take pictures, or meet a friend for lunch or a coffee, or read a great book that takes your mind somewhere else...maybe not a romance novel but a good who-dunnit might help.
It's hard to stay focused on an obsession when we turn our minds to something else.
Good luck...and keep on with those meetings.
Hugs
Something that helps me when I am obsessed with anything is to keep busy doing something that takes my mind off the obsession. Sometimes I go for a walk and take pictures, or meet a friend for lunch or a coffee, or read a great book that takes your mind somewhere else...maybe not a romance novel but a good who-dunnit might help.
It's hard to stay focused on an obsession when we turn our minds to something else.
Good luck...and keep on with those meetings.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Jodie, if an addict has to chose - drugs will win out every time. He didn't reject you, his addiction did!! His mind has literally been hijacked, it's not personal....although it sure does feel that way right now but with time, knowledge and some clarity, things will get better and your perspective will change!
My abandonment issues took time to address and heal. But it was really worth the hard work. Sounds like you are on the right path. Congratulations!!
My abandonment issues took time to address and heal. But it was really worth the hard work. Sounds like you are on the right path. Congratulations!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: mi
Posts: 2
Well I was going to create an account just to tell you "keep coming back" and then realized I created this account a few years back, long before I was in recovery to make a single post... Weird!
But really... Keep coming back. I've been in al-anon for about five months now and it's already done wonders in my life. As a newcomer, you're probably going to want to go to multiple meetings a week... It really helps. Also, they recommend you go to about six different meetings before you decide which meetings you want to make your regular meetings, but obviously that's up to you.
Good luck!
But really... Keep coming back. I've been in al-anon for about five months now and it's already done wonders in my life. As a newcomer, you're probably going to want to go to multiple meetings a week... It really helps. Also, they recommend you go to about six different meetings before you decide which meetings you want to make your regular meetings, but obviously that's up to you.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Jodie77: Glad to you went to Al-Anon!
It was very difficult, way back when I was married to an active addict, to be rejected by a "reject."
Keep coming back and coming here to this site. As you watch your ex, he will do all those things you fear, and it is maddening, heartbreaking, humiliating, etc. But you can survive all that and distance yourself from it. There are many people around you even now who can see through the crap put out by the addict.
It was very difficult, way back when I was married to an active addict, to be rejected by a "reject."
Keep coming back and coming here to this site. As you watch your ex, he will do all those things you fear, and it is maddening, heartbreaking, humiliating, etc. But you can survive all that and distance yourself from it. There are many people around you even now who can see through the crap put out by the addict.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Jodie, just a word of caution ........he will seek you out again! He will be like a bad penny and turn up at the worst time. Get strong and healthy, so the hooks and manipulative games become transparent. If you get back with him, it will be more of the same until he seeks recovery and really works hard to change himself and that can take a long time!
You are young and can have a wonderful, happy, and healthy future if you do some hard work now! You are worth it !! You don't need a man to validate your self worth. This thinking will make for a miserable, painful life!
You are young and can have a wonderful, happy, and healthy future if you do some hard work now! You are worth it !! You don't need a man to validate your self worth. This thinking will make for a miserable, painful life!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Jodie77,
So glad you found your way to the meeting and it sounds like it may be for you and you can benefit from what this 12 step recovery program offers! Keep going back and maintain a willingness to work on you. It changed my life, changed me! It takes time and patience and one day at a time but the rewards of this program are priceless.
I was the same way totally consumed with the whys, why nots, what if, when, how's, where's etc.... I did not know how to do anything different until I learned about me and who I was. What did I need and want to live my life like? Consumed with someone else? Focusing all my time and energy on things I had no control over? Allowing someone elses life and their choices effect my every waking moment. I learned I can only do something about me. I learned how to let go of the out comes! Learned how to live and let live! How to stop surviving and start living! So many life changing tools are available in this program! Keep going back sweetie! You will get there one step at a time!
Hugs and prayers!
So glad you found your way to the meeting and it sounds like it may be for you and you can benefit from what this 12 step recovery program offers! Keep going back and maintain a willingness to work on you. It changed my life, changed me! It takes time and patience and one day at a time but the rewards of this program are priceless.
I was the same way totally consumed with the whys, why nots, what if, when, how's, where's etc.... I did not know how to do anything different until I learned about me and who I was. What did I need and want to live my life like? Consumed with someone else? Focusing all my time and energy on things I had no control over? Allowing someone elses life and their choices effect my every waking moment. I learned I can only do something about me. I learned how to let go of the out comes! Learned how to live and let live! How to stop surviving and start living! So many life changing tools are available in this program! Keep going back sweetie! You will get there one step at a time!
Hugs and prayers!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
As was said so perfectly "he did not reject you, his addiction did"! That is so right on! Addicts want someone they can get to "go along" with their using. Co sign all their bull so they can stay in their addiction and maintain a level of comfort to keep using. When they get uncomfortable or a person or persons get sick and tired of being sick and tired of the "dance" and want off the merry go round they shut you out. Avoid you, leave you to find more enablers so they can comfortably keep doing what they want to do "use". Until they change nothing chnges for them except things will just get worse! But for us, the ones that want to live life with peace and serenity want something different, want a life with out chaos we have to change and become healthy, heal and learn how to take care of us.
Get a sponsor as soon as you can and use the phone numbers you get at the meetings. Call people when your down and consumed with the whys and why nots. It was my life line and helped me build a foundation for a strong recovery for myself. Reach out to those that were willing to give you support during this beginning recovery process your in. Develop relationships with people that are working a strong program. And as someone said too go visit several different meetings to help you decide which meetings you like best!
Get a sponsor as soon as you can and use the phone numbers you get at the meetings. Call people when your down and consumed with the whys and why nots. It was my life line and helped me build a foundation for a strong recovery for myself. Reach out to those that were willing to give you support during this beginning recovery process your in. Develop relationships with people that are working a strong program. And as someone said too go visit several different meetings to help you decide which meetings you like best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thank you everyone. Your comments are like precious gems! Finally people who can make sense out of my senselessness. I'm so glad I found you all! I'm going to another Al-Anon meeting tonight. That's how I'll be spending my Friday night--getting healthy. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Congrats Jodie and welcome to the beginning of your recovery from life with active addiction. Everyone here hit the nail on the head as usual with two key points...
1. He did not reject you.
2. He will come back.
This is a power play in terms of manipulation on his part. It's all to preserve and protect his addiction and keep you confused. When I was new to al of this (Al-anon, recovery, therapy, SR and self-healing) it was too much to comprehend all of the kind and honest words of wisdom. It just hurt too much at the time.
But eventually you learn a new way to think, a new way to be, and that leads to a new way to live. Eventually, living with an active addict is no longer an option. It just does not fit. But be patient. Go to meetings. Keep coming back to SR and maybe find a therapist you like when you are ready.
I am sorry you are in such pain and I am excited for you that it has brought you to Al-anon and SR that inevitably leads to a lot of self-discovery and growth. The positive and empowered nature of the souls here on SR is infectious. Remember it's about the behavior not about the person. You love the person, just not the behavior. I just know I can no longer tolerate the behavior that came with active addiction. I had to bless him and release him (my AXBF) so we both could find our own way. Big hugs to you!
1. He did not reject you.
2. He will come back.
This is a power play in terms of manipulation on his part. It's all to preserve and protect his addiction and keep you confused. When I was new to al of this (Al-anon, recovery, therapy, SR and self-healing) it was too much to comprehend all of the kind and honest words of wisdom. It just hurt too much at the time.
But eventually you learn a new way to think, a new way to be, and that leads to a new way to live. Eventually, living with an active addict is no longer an option. It just does not fit. But be patient. Go to meetings. Keep coming back to SR and maybe find a therapist you like when you are ready.
I am sorry you are in such pain and I am excited for you that it has brought you to Al-anon and SR that inevitably leads to a lot of self-discovery and growth. The positive and empowered nature of the souls here on SR is infectious. Remember it's about the behavior not about the person. You love the person, just not the behavior. I just know I can no longer tolerate the behavior that came with active addiction. I had to bless him and release him (my AXBF) so we both could find our own way. Big hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thank you kindly. Every word written is like peaceful healing flowing through me. I feel in debt to everyone's support and advice. I sound like a stuck record but I'm so glad I found all of you
I reread your posts and get strengthened every time by them.
I reread your posts and get strengthened every time by them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Jodie77,
If your 24 posts make you a broken record---what the hell does my
700+ make me?!?!?
What sojourner wrote "feeling rejected by a reject"----is just not valid.
All this introspection that ALL of us go through (or went through) is like
a concentration camp inmate in 1943 Nazi Germany wondering WHAT they
did to deserve such misery.
The correct answer is ---they didn't do ANYTHING.They were merely in the path
of the monstrous evil of addiction.
It really WASN'T personal.At all.Very hard to comprehend,so take
all the time you need and process at a speed comfortable to you.
Addiction (like Hitler).....is not to be reasoned with.It WILL not be reasoned with.
But (like all evils)...it does recognize action,be it no contact.....
(or a thousand bomber raid).
If your 24 posts make you a broken record---what the hell does my
700+ make me?!?!?
What sojourner wrote "feeling rejected by a reject"----is just not valid.
All this introspection that ALL of us go through (or went through) is like
a concentration camp inmate in 1943 Nazi Germany wondering WHAT they
did to deserve such misery.
The correct answer is ---they didn't do ANYTHING.They were merely in the path
of the monstrous evil of addiction.
It really WASN'T personal.At all.Very hard to comprehend,so take
all the time you need and process at a speed comfortable to you.
Addiction (like Hitler).....is not to be reasoned with.It WILL not be reasoned with.
But (like all evils)...it does recognize action,be it no contact.....
(or a thousand bomber raid).
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