The story of how my brother died

Old 03-28-2013, 09:24 AM
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The story of how my brother died

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm telling his story because it's cathartic, maybe because I'm angry, maybe because I want people to feel sorry for me, maybe it's so people will listen; I don't know.

When I was 20 I lived in Ocean City for the summer. My brother came down to visit me for 4th of July weekend--he was 25. I learned after his death he was bipolar. I presume he was "self medicating" like my axfiance (he too is bipolar, so he says).

My brother had planned to get "sober" after that weekend; he made a pact with his gf that the two of them would have one last hoorah and go out with a bang so they could then go into recovery when they got home.

His behavior was erratic that weekend: sleeping all day, trying to get in bed with my friends at night, acting bizarre, binging. The last words relayed to my brother were words of anger and frustration due to his behavior. So I've had to live with guilt over that for years.

His death: he and his friends were driving home in a pickup truck on the highway. My brother in his drug addicted state thought it would be cool to climb into the cab of the truck and while the truck was barreling down the highway at 70 mph he tried to climb into the side window from the back of the truck. First attempt he succeeded. That must have been pretty cool to him and his friends, so he tried it again. Second attempt he fell onto the highway, head in pool of blood, gurgling and massive brain trauma.

He was rushed to shock trauma via helicopter. They couldn't take him back to Maryland as "the altitude would have killed him." The surgeons called my home and told us they were going to shoot ice water into his ears to see if there was any brain activity. Nada. So they told us "by law they have to try again in 24 hours but there won't be a change and to start making arrangements if we decide to take him off life support."

The next morning came and we removed him from life support and gave his organs away. 25 years old. I later found out through friends he was a crack/cocaine addict--had no idea. So many other things cane to surface as a result of his death. And now I watch my younger brother headed down that same fateful road: opiates, coke, alcohol. He drives high on his Harley. He's always getting lucky with near accidents, etc.

I'm starting Alanon classes tonight. Now that my axfiance has left me I have hit rock bottom. Thanks for listening. This site has been a God-send (even though I feel abandoned by God, too).
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:34 AM
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Jodie,

I am so sorry for your loss. have you had any bereavement counseling? It helped me so much. Grief requires a special kind of counseling, I think. Guilt is a big part of grief, one of the five stages. If can you, please see about getting some face to face time for this with a specialist. If you call your local hospital's social services department, they might be able to make a referral for you. it's usually short term. I had six sessions and it helped me immensely.

I hope this helps.

Love from Lenina
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:41 AM
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Jodie,

I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing this , about your brother. So young. That cocaine messes peoples heads up so badly.
Hopefully this message will help someone who may be on the same road. Good for you in starting Al-anon. That is a wonderful group/program. Lenina has some great suggestions there, which will help you too.

Take care of yourself, I am sure your brother would want that for you, and for this not to ruin your life.

hugs
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:55 AM
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When I felt abandoned by God I remembered this verse and repeated often to myself. It really brought my peace and comfort. The serenity prayer really works too when I remember to use it.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6 KNJV
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:33 AM
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Jody
Not everyone can understand what it is like to lose someone very close to them in a sudden accident. The news of such an event can be quite a trauma...and you were only 20 years old. (I lost my father who also happened to be my business partner in a small aircraft accident....similar thing.....smooshed on a tarmack.....and I also felt abandoned.....left to handle the business without him while grieving. He was there one day...and gone the next.....and of course, the coroner would not allow us to see him.)

I think Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are great choices to help you heal from the trauma of addiction and it sounds like you have had plenty. I also sought individual counseling and found it extremely helpful.....I needed it.....and I would encourage you to do so if you haven't already. You may not have processed the grief from the loss of your dear brother and the grief is compounding with these others issues. Individual counseling was a great additional support for me to process my father's death and the confusion and anguish I had regarding the addicts in my life. My therapist and Nar-Anon helped me find "me" again.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear brother. The circumstances were very difficult.

Keep posting and get all of that toxic thought process out of you. When we don't, it eats us up from the inside out.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:50 AM
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Thank you all. Your kind words are not lost on me. I'm a mess and everytime I read a new response it offers me encouragement, courage, and insight. Thank you
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:02 PM
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Jodie, your story touches my heart, it is just so sad to lose those we love to addiction.

I hope it helps you to talk about it here.

Hugs
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:48 PM
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Jodie I am very very sorry for all your losses and experiences.

I can relate in some ways, but it definitely doesn't change the pain you have been through.

My younger brother 6 years ago took his own life (he was 21 at the time). He was struggling with bipolar and alcohol, had some legal issues and I suspect possibly drugs were involved too (my parents won't talk about it). He got seriously drunk and used a .45 in the back yard of my parent's house. The odd thing was, we all expected a call like that one day, just not a suicide. He was the one like your brother, doing insane things in vehicles and such that we thought he was on a course to die young in some way.

My other brother who is a few years older knew some of the problems and tried to help him prior to the suicide. I didn't learn about this until later, and NONE of us blame him in any way. That brother is now in jail for heroine problems. I suspect some of his addiction issues are related to guilt over not being able to save his younger brother.

The sibling crash course definitely sucks. There always seems to be a tinge of resentment when I talk to my addict brother, the fact that I am fairly successful and have managed to fight through the mental history of our family to some degree is held against me.... yay.

I had a bit of a falling out before my younger brother died. I had been pretty rough about him in an email to my enabling mother, she forwarded it to him. I wish I could go back, talk to him, even if I couldn't save him, I want to tell him I love him one more time, but I can't, so all I can do is take a deep breath and move forward.

Jodie, I send you strength, because I know what its like to lose brothers to addiction, I couldn't imagine adding on top of that dealing with partners as well. You can get through all of this, lean on those that are experts, breath, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I find practicing gratitude helpful, even if it seems out of place on some days.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:06 PM
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I'm not sure the rights words to say, I wish I could come through the screen and give you a HUGE hug. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't even come close to cutting it, but I am.

I lost my father suddenly, and I have had some times in my life where I felt god had abandoned me and it is prob. the worst feeling I have ever felt. Counseling does make a load of difference since sometimes we don't even realize what we are feeling until we go sit on that couch and start talking but they can spot it a mile away. I also found that going on an antidepressant helped (not saying you should just letting you know once I did things got a lot easier to manage).

All you can do is put your best foot forward and try to notice the little things. Looking at the big picture will seem so overwhelming, but it never hurts to stand outside and just notice the birds, or the wind, or read a book, literally ANYTHING to get your mind to stop spinning.

You're not alone, we're all here with you.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:12 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand the guilt and "should haves" you live with. You know you couldn't have saved him no matter how much you loved him. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It takes years to come to grips with let alone accept. Thank you for sharing. Sending you lots of love.

Originally Posted by meadowsis View Post
Jodie I am very very sorry for all your losses and experiences.

I can relate in some ways, but it definitely doesn't change the pain you have been through.

My younger brother 6 years ago took his own life (he was 21 at the time). He was struggling with bipolar and alcohol, had some legal issues and I suspect possibly drugs were involved too (my parents won't talk about it). He got seriously drunk and used a .45 in the back yard of my parent's house. The odd thing was, we all expected a call like that one day, just not a suicide. He was the one like your brother, doing insane things in vehicles and such that we thought he was on a course to die young in some way.

My other brother who is a few years older knew some of the problems and tried to help him prior to the suicide. I didn't learn about this until later, and NONE of us blame him in any way. That brother is now in jail for heroine problems. I suspect some of his addiction issues are related to guilt over not being able to save his younger brother.

The sibling crash course definitely sucks. There always seems to be a tinge of resentment when I talk to my addict brother, the fact that I am fairly successful and have managed to fight through the mental history of our family to some degree is held against me.... yay.

I had a bit of a falling out before my younger brother died. I had been pretty rough about him in an email to my enabling mother, she forwarded it to him. I wish I could go back, talk to him, even if I couldn't save him, I want to tell him I love him one more time, but I can't, so all I can do is take a deep breath and move forward.

Jodie, I send you strength, because I know what its like to lose brothers to addiction, I couldn't imagine adding on top of that dealing with partners as well. You can get through all of this, lean on those that are experts, breath, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I find practicing gratitude helpful, even if it seems out of place on some days.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:15 PM
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Thank you for your kind message. I'm so sorry you lost your father. I can't imagine losing a parent. I can tell by your posts that you are kind yet strong and resilient. Loss is so hard and I handle it like a baby. Thank you for opening up....I'm so glad I came to this site. Big hugs


Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Jody
Not everyone can understand what it is like to lose someone very close to them in a sudden accident. The news of such an event can be quite a trauma...and you were only 20 years old. (I lost my father who also happened to be my business partner in a small aircraft accident....similar thing.....smooshed on a tarmack.....and I also felt abandoned.....left to handle the business without him while grieving. He was there one day...and gone the next.....and of course, the coroner would not allow us to see him.)

I think Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are great choices to help you heal from the trauma of addiction and it sounds like you have had plenty. I also sought individual counseling and found it extremely helpful.....I needed it.....and I would encourage you to do so if you haven't already. You may not have processed the grief from the loss of your dear brother and the grief is compounding with these others issues. Individual counseling was a great additional support for me to process my father's death and the confusion and anguish I had regarding the addicts in my life. My therapist and Nar-Anon helped me find "me" again.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear brother. The circumstances were very difficult.

Keep posting and get all of that toxic thought process out of you. When we don't, it eats us up from the inside out.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:19 PM
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I'm so very sorry for your loss as well. It seems we've all lost a loved one due to tragedy or addiction. I wish that never happened to you but it does make me feel like I'm not alone. Sometimes I get selfish and think I'm the only one who's had it rough. And yes the worst feeling ever is God abandoning you. I'm sitting in a church parking lot now asking God for answers.


Originally Posted by Maylie View Post
I'm not sure the rights words to say, I wish I could come through the screen and give you a HUGE hug. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't even come close to cutting it, but I am.

I lost my father suddenly, and I have had some times in my life where I felt god had abandoned me and it is prob. the worst feeling I have ever felt. Counseling does make a load of difference since sometimes we don't even realize what we are feeling until we go sit on that couch and start talking but they can spot it a mile away. I also found that going on an antidepressant helped (not saying you should just letting you know once I did things got a lot easier to manage).

All you can do is put your best foot forward and try to notice the little things. Looking at the big picture will seem so overwhelming, but it never hurts to stand outside and just notice the birds, or the wind, or read a book, literally ANYTHING to get your mind to stop spinning.

You're not alone, we're all here with you.
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