Lyssy

A little about me and my situation.

Married almost 17 years. On Feb 17 things went completely off the rails. They had been headed that way for quite sometime. Hubby had been drinking 24/7 for a long time, but a month leading up to that date had been on a real binge. By 4:00pm he was incoherent and completely out of control. He lost it completely, and not to make this long story even longer, guns were involved, lives were threatened (mine, his, etc.). I had called police on him in the past, but was terrified to do so since he had guns out and loaded. I finally gathered up my beloved cat and headed to the master bedroom with him (the cat) and locked the door behind me and went to bed. Nothing I could do. The next morning (a holiday for me) I got up and took a shower and got ready for the day. Had planned on doing a bit of house work and relax in peace knowing he would be at work. When I got down stairs to my surprise, there he was – still completely inebriated, still on a rampage, still completely out of control. Having no family here (or even close) and even if I did, we are not close at all, I was at my wits end. He was “begging” for help. Need to get to dr./rehab, blah, blah – same story I have heard for years.

I was done. I told him that if he needed help to call someone that could help him because obviously I couldn’t (nor would I). He called his mom – talked to her for a while then handed me the phone. Now, she is all concerned saying that no matter what her “baby” needed to get help and I needed to do something about it. I told her that I was not the person to help. That he had pulled guns. Had threatened me, etc., but apparently she wasn’t prepared to help either (she lives in the same city as us), because she called his brother who eventually came and picked him up and go him to a rehab center.

A couple of days later his brother called with an update and was “saying” all the right things regarding hubby’s work environment and that hubby needed this/that etc. All full of praise for MY great insurance which was covering everything (except for a small co-pay). Brother was prepared to do this/that etc. I stayed no contact. First hubby was not allowed any contact for the first six days and then you had to attend an orientation class before you could see anyone there.

Shortening the story. Hubby stayed for a little over two weeks in detox/rehab. When he left he came and picked up his car and some clothes and went to stay with his mother. This was fine with me. He had asked to “come” home, but I wasn’t ready. We corresponded via e-mail a couple of times. I found a counselor and started going. We finally met and talked in person at almost one month and I believe he is taking this all very serious now. Attending meetings every day at lunch. Going to aftercare and relapse prevention weekly. He has a sponsor who he talks to every other day or so.

There are still some red flags for me. His anxiousness to “get back to work”, “get back home” – back to his comfort zone, or “back to normal” so to speak, along with some other things. I asked him to come “home” last weekend, mostly because I do know what it is like to not be able to (we have separated before and I was the one who left). My counselor also said that if I didn’t trust him that it was both a blessing and curse that we were apart (17 years together is a long time). If we were not talking, not living together that there was NO hope of even starting to build the trust, but also being apart was allowing me to focus on myself and my feelings and needs.

I have been doing a lot of reading (here and books). Counselor wants me to attend Al-anon, but I haven’t gone yet – I am not a social butterfly and am kind of a loner anyway. I am NOT a “joiner” if you get what I mean. I found a meeting. It meets on Saturday mornings at 10am and is about 30 min away. I will see if I can get the courage to go this Saturday. Heck, just me going to a counselor and posting here are huge steps for me!!

Anyway, that is my recent history story. I still don’t trust him. Still have a lot of anger at him, and still not sure if we will make it (or even if that is what I want).

The one thing I would like some suggestion on dealing with my feelings regarding his family’s attitude. Somehow I have become the one that is the one they have chose to blame for all this. Again, this is nothing new with regard to hubby’s drinking/binging, but somehow, because I chose not to do anything to “help” him this time, I am the problem, they blame me. This hurts, but mostly it really makes me very angry. Was told by my BIL/SIL that “they have their lives to live” (basically, don’t call us again with this issue). MIL has not talked to me since the day he left. My counselor told me that my actions (or rather non-action) may have just been what saved his life, but again, I am just angry that they are blaming me for HIS problem. I guess, in reality, I really don’t care what they think, but then again, it will make anything in the future (get togethers, holidays etc). really awkward and to be perfectly honest, I really don’t want to be around them at all anymore.

Thanks for reading and sorry it is so long.

atalose

Congrats on going to counseling and reading and researching all of this.

As for al-anon you can just sit there and listen, they don’t force you to participate in anything you don’t want to. Give it a chance and see if it’s a good fit for you or not.

Sounds like his parents were comfortable in their denial of his drinking and the last incident HE caused that brought them out of the shadows and into the light where they could no longer deny it. Putting blame on others, dealers, bartenders, friends, co-workers the cashier at the liquor store is pretty normal behavior for people who are unfamiliar with the disease.

Keep focusing on you and moving forward for you!!!! Maybe you'll find less anger and more empathy with his fmaily knowing they just don't get it and maybe never will.

petmagnet

First, let me say I am sorry for your situation. I too have been married almost 22 years to a highly functioning AH. The last 10 have been not much fun at all due to his out-of-control binge drinking every other day- like clockwork! The wanting to get back to "normal" and "work" sound like red flags to me as well. My AH said the same type of things. Once he finished his 30 days he was back to work and drinking. We had done out patient, and counselors, you name it, everything except extended care. But, it was never his idea to do these things, so that's probably why none of them worked. I am hoping that since your AH was the one to call and ask to be taken to rehab that maybe it will work for him.

Your situation sounds rather dangerous, guns etc. Who knows what that could really ecalate to- not being in his right mind. If it were me, I think i'd want to know he's following a program and staying sober before I'd let him come home completely. Guns are scary, and many times deadly! Maybe you should just try spending evenings and other times with each other if he's sober, but maintain your seperate spaces for a while just in case he goes on another rampage like that. I'd think he'd need to become trustworthy for a while before staying around the clock.

As far as family members, they do not live with him. You do. Many people, as I have learned recently, have no clue how trying it is to live with an A. Many do not even know the problem is as serious as it is, especially if your quiet about it- as I was, and sounds like you are. Many people don't even understand the disease and start blaming anything they can. It sounds to me like they need to educate themselves or be educated on this disease.

I'm glad your starting to open up. It took me a really, really long time to do so. I felt very alone for a long time. I too am not a group gal, but have gone to counselors,alanon meetings, and did an intensive 4 day family program on alcoholism thru a rehab center- specifically meant for those involved with an A. It's all a little uncomfortable at first, but you will find your comfort zone. This site is great for us introverts! And good for you for seeing a counselor! The thing with alanon, for me was trying different meetings and groups, they all have little differences and people attending. You will eventually find one that fits. I don't go every week, but when I feel I need it. I'm also a voracious reader so i have learned through that as well.

I wish you the best, and most importantly, I hope you stay safe!

stella27

Good for you. You just go to that meeting and listen. Then you can decide what you want to do next. You don't have to make decisions for the rest of your life right now.

You don't have to be around anyone you don't want to and that includes him and his family. Take this time to nurture yourself and regain your strength and perspective.

And welcome.

Lyssy

Thank you all for you welcomes, advise and responses. Much appreciated.