From huge resentment to compassion
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From huge resentment to compassion
Whether it is our alcoholic son or daughter, husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, or just a good friend of ours. It is hard to not feel huge resentment toward them for how they treated us. For some time, I was soooo angry at my stepson for the things he was doing and how he was hurting his family. My resentment was huge. It’s natural to feel that way, I think.
It took me a long time, too, to develop any sort of sympathy for him after all that had happened, but two events in my life helped me to develop compassion for my stepson. These two events were encounters with alcoholics who are NOT related to me.
The first encounter happened on the city bus. With my car in the shop, I was taking the bus home one evening. At one of the stops, a young woman got on the bus who was clearly drunk. She looked quite a bit like a younger version of my sister (a recovering alcoholic and powder cocaine addict). She was wearing a uniform from one of the local auto repair places, and she fumbled for a long time trying to get her money out of her pocket in order to pay the fare. While she was dropping money all over the floor and fumbling to find the right bills and then staggering to her seat, there were some men on the back of the bus who were making fun of her. My heart broke for this woman realizing how miserable her life must be. I prayed that she would make it home OK.
The second encounter was in the middle of the day as I walked back from the local drugstore on an errand at lunch. A man I passed on the sidewalk was clearly drunk, holding a nearly-empty 1L vodka bottle with no cap, and muttering about how his life was so hard and he was so miserable. I spoke with him for a bit, but I know that in his condition he did not ‘see’ me. About three months later, I saw this same man. He was sober at the moment and panhandling for coffee money. I was actually so grateful to see him alive I wanted to hug the stuffing out of him! I honestly did not think he would still be alive based on the first encounter!!! He appears to be only about 28-32 years old.
The family members of these two people probably do not see it in this light, but I did, I think, because I have no relationship with them. I am able to be detached in a loving way. I have worked since then to apply this loving detachment to my stepson. I hope and pray that someday these two strangers will find their way to permanent sobriety. I have the same hopes and prayers for my stepson.
Peace in the valley, S
It took me a long time, too, to develop any sort of sympathy for him after all that had happened, but two events in my life helped me to develop compassion for my stepson. These two events were encounters with alcoholics who are NOT related to me.
The first encounter happened on the city bus. With my car in the shop, I was taking the bus home one evening. At one of the stops, a young woman got on the bus who was clearly drunk. She looked quite a bit like a younger version of my sister (a recovering alcoholic and powder cocaine addict). She was wearing a uniform from one of the local auto repair places, and she fumbled for a long time trying to get her money out of her pocket in order to pay the fare. While she was dropping money all over the floor and fumbling to find the right bills and then staggering to her seat, there were some men on the back of the bus who were making fun of her. My heart broke for this woman realizing how miserable her life must be. I prayed that she would make it home OK.
The second encounter was in the middle of the day as I walked back from the local drugstore on an errand at lunch. A man I passed on the sidewalk was clearly drunk, holding a nearly-empty 1L vodka bottle with no cap, and muttering about how his life was so hard and he was so miserable. I spoke with him for a bit, but I know that in his condition he did not ‘see’ me. About three months later, I saw this same man. He was sober at the moment and panhandling for coffee money. I was actually so grateful to see him alive I wanted to hug the stuffing out of him! I honestly did not think he would still be alive based on the first encounter!!! He appears to be only about 28-32 years old.
The family members of these two people probably do not see it in this light, but I did, I think, because I have no relationship with them. I am able to be detached in a loving way. I have worked since then to apply this loving detachment to my stepson. I hope and pray that someday these two strangers will find their way to permanent sobriety. I have the same hopes and prayers for my stepson.
Peace in the valley, S
Last edited by Seren; 01-30-2014 at 04:31 PM.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear Seren, I face this same thing every day concerning my family members. Sometimes, I can feel the compassion---other times, I feel such pain and anger at the abuse I have suffered from their drinking.
The thing that I notice the most is---the more I stay detached from them--the easier it is to have the compassion. Right n ow, I am struggling to love them from a distance. It is hard, though.
sincerely, dandylion
The thing that I notice the most is---the more I stay detached from them--the easier it is to have the compassion. Right n ow, I am struggling to love them from a distance. It is hard, though.
sincerely, dandylion
Last edited by Seren; 11-16-2013 at 04:43 AM.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
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Thank you for posting this ~ I truly needed the reminder ~
I sometimes struggle with healthy compassion for my step-son because all of his actions hurt our granddaughter so much and to be honest - that causes ME pain.
And when I do a searching and brutally honest inventory of myself - I don't want to feel any more pain from this horrid disease ~ I feel justified in that I have suffered enough from this disease and shouldn't have to deal with it any longer ~
But the truth is - hasn't everyone?
My prayer today is that I be able to show my love and healthy compassion to this bright, loving, funny young man who is struggling with a disease and still has a lot to offer this world, our family and his daughter when sober ~ I pray this weekend he will be sober when he comes to visit her.
Thanks again S!!
pink hugs!
I sometimes struggle with healthy compassion for my step-son because all of his actions hurt our granddaughter so much and to be honest - that causes ME pain.
And when I do a searching and brutally honest inventory of myself - I don't want to feel any more pain from this horrid disease ~ I feel justified in that I have suffered enough from this disease and shouldn't have to deal with it any longer ~
But the truth is - hasn't everyone?
My prayer today is that I be able to show my love and healthy compassion to this bright, loving, funny young man who is struggling with a disease and still has a lot to offer this world, our family and his daughter when sober ~ I pray this weekend he will be sober when he comes to visit her.
Thanks again S!!
pink hugs!
Last edited by Seren; 11-16-2013 at 04:43 AM.
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This exact thing was the topic of the Alanon meeting I went to a few nights ago. Several people there had very powerful and very touching stories of how they finally were able to make the switch from anger to compassion. I am far from being able to feel much compassion right now but hearing people share experiences like this gives me hope that if I can keep my heart, mind and eyes open, eventually I'll be shown a new way to see/feel things.
Anger has been my go-to emotion for a long, long time and I look forward to the day that is no longer the case.
Anger has been my go-to emotion for a long, long time and I look forward to the day that is no longer the case.
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I don't know why but I never felt resentment towards my brother & I still don't. He has hurt me over & over, & sometimes I wish I could resent him.
I think it is different for everyone. I have always felt sorry for my brother, so more than anything I just feel sad for him. Sometimes I wish I could hate him to ease my pain.
However, I do know many people who resent my brother for many of the same reasons you feel resentful. I believe it is natural to have a wide-range of feelings.
I think it is different for everyone. I have always felt sorry for my brother, so more than anything I just feel sad for him. Sometimes I wish I could hate him to ease my pain.
However, I do know many people who resent my brother for many of the same reasons you feel resentful. I believe it is natural to have a wide-range of feelings.
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I have tons of anger and resentment toward my exabf while my brother is an equally sick addict, and I primarily only have pity for him. Pity is closer to compassion than resentment but still feels unhealthy, and for me can end up leading to enabling. I think pity is a feeling in which you are looking down upon the person from a place of superiority thinking "How sad, I would never be like that", whereas compassion is looking at the person and saying something to your self like "There but for the grace of God go I."
I am struggling to find compassion for the alcoholics/addicts in my life. I just can't understand despite everyone's explanations why they don't at least TRY to quit. I understand it is hard, but what's stopping them from dragging their asses to meetings every day? I don't understand how they don't see the hurt they cause, or why they don't seem to give a sh*t about it. I really want to understand, but I honestly do not.
Compassion would be a beautiful thing for ME to have, but I am not there yet.
I am struggling to find compassion for the alcoholics/addicts in my life. I just can't understand despite everyone's explanations why they don't at least TRY to quit. I understand it is hard, but what's stopping them from dragging their asses to meetings every day? I don't understand how they don't see the hurt they cause, or why they don't seem to give a sh*t about it. I really want to understand, but I honestly do not.
Compassion would be a beautiful thing for ME to have, but I am not there yet.
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Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity 
I am struggling to find compassion for the alcoholics/addicts in my life. I just can't understand despite everyone's explanations why they don't at least TRY to quit. I understand it is hard, but what's stopping them from dragging their asses to meetings every day? I don't understand how they don't see the hurt they cause, or why they don't seem to give a sh*t about it. I really want to understand, but I honestly do not.
Compassion would be a beautiful thing for ME to have, but I am not there yet.
Compassion would be a beautiful thing for ME to have, but I am not there yet.
Having an especially rebellious couple of days here, resenting the fact that I have to deal with this crap AT ALL....
God either is, or He isn't.
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: AZ
Posts: 34
This truly is a beautiful post to read. I, too, can relate in a huge resentment turning to compassion... with boundaries.
24 years ago I was raped/violated at the young age of 18. This person was in the rooms and we were both teenagers. Years went by and my recovery always found this individual on my 4th step and 9th step. I figuered I would never run into this person agan as I was living in a different state. Low and behold, 22 years later, he is sitting on the back steps of my homegroup. Hence, God had more work for me to do.
I was able to live out a living amends to him by respecting who he was, not what he was by his actions... he is a child of God.
I am able to sit in the same meeting and have peace and my fear is tremendously removed. I do not speak to him nor do I engage in any activity outside the rooms with him.
I am free. Forgiveness was key.
24 years ago I was raped/violated at the young age of 18. This person was in the rooms and we were both teenagers. Years went by and my recovery always found this individual on my 4th step and 9th step. I figuered I would never run into this person agan as I was living in a different state. Low and behold, 22 years later, he is sitting on the back steps of my homegroup. Hence, God had more work for me to do.
I was able to live out a living amends to him by respecting who he was, not what he was by his actions... he is a child of God.
I am able to sit in the same meeting and have peace and my fear is tremendously removed. I do not speak to him nor do I engage in any activity outside the rooms with him.
I am free. Forgiveness was key.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Beautiful post. When I held a ton of resentment for XAW, I could not love her, nor anyone else for the most part. When I was able to feel compassion for her, I could love her again. Maybe not in a husband kind of way, but love her as a person and I became free. I was free to love again, to be happy instead of holding onto that hot coal in my hand forever. Thank you for the reminder.
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Location: Illinois
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Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel love for my AH again. I have been so angry at him and hurt by his actions, that instead of compassion I feel disgust. I needed to read this post. We have children together. I don't want them to feed off of my anger, so eventually I need to find a way to show genuine kindness towards him again.
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Originally Posted by CompletelyLost4
I don't want them to feed off of my anger, so eventually I need to find a way to show genuine kindness towards him again.
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I am still resentful and quite frankly I hate my AH . Even when he manages to stay sober he is mean and angry at the world but thinks he's purfect . I think I would feel more compassion if he finally freed me and signed divorce papers . Even not living in same house is not enough , I want total freedom from him legally too . I honestly hate him at this point . We have no life together for 2 years , totally separate lives
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I think we all get there...in time...when we are ready. It was an ENORMOUS struggle for me for a long time. I did not want my stepson near me, I did not want his name mentioned in front of me, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.
It really took seeing the lives of complete strangers in ruin because of alcohol to bring me to a place of compassion for alcoholics. I'm not perfect...I have to work at extending that compassion to my stepson all the time.
And you know what? It's OK to not feel compassion while you are still healing from all that you have been through with an active alcoholic. We all heal in our own time and in our own way.
It really took seeing the lives of complete strangers in ruin because of alcohol to bring me to a place of compassion for alcoholics. I'm not perfect...I have to work at extending that compassion to my stepson all the time.
And you know what? It's OK to not feel compassion while you are still healing from all that you have been through with an active alcoholic. We all heal in our own time and in our own way.
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Originally Posted by Seren
And you know what? It's OK to not feel compassion while you are still healing from all that you have been through with an active alcoholic. We all heal in our own time and in our own way.
Last edited by Seren; 11-16-2013 at 04:45 AM.
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