i have read but not posted before
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
i have read but not posted before
Hi All,
Firstly thank you for all i have read on these pages. I can relate to so much of what i read and I am reminded that though I may have the support of (most) friends and family, the words of someone who has been where you are and who knows what it is like, are very powerful.
I have a query - when do I start to get it?
I read the words, I work it out for myself, I relate to it, I think about it and I work out how I am going to put it in action in my life and then he says one mean thing to me and boom it all goes out the window and I'm ranting like a crazy lady!
I'm not stupid. I have made my way this far in the world, raising children, holding down jobs doing my bit and playing my part then I meet a man, fall in love, decide to make a life with him and then...discover he is an alcoholic.
I'm not allowed be upset with him that this important piece of information wasn't shared before I moved in with him because he says - he didn't know he was an alcoholic so how can he have been lying to me if he didn't know. The bottles of vodka he was hiding may have given him a clue! (spot the anger bubbling, crazy lady coming out to play!)
Anyway so on and so forth it all comes out - the family history the history of abuse and the decision to do something about it and to stop.
Then it is pretty much everyone's story from there -he is a sweetheart when he wants to be and to the rest of the world he is the most charming fun all round guy. But years now of broken promises, arguments let downs big occasions missed or ruined, threats ultimatums, meetings and counselling.
Yet I still hope I still dream, I still imagine it will all work out.
I spend 3 out of every 10 days approx sad or crying. I let myself get drawn into stupid arguments about dishes, or cooking, or money or my parenting skills all of which I don't believe but in the moment I rant like a crazy lady.
I keep thinking I have a handle on it now. Next argument will be different but then the scared insecure crazy lady takes over and I AM the chaos.
So my question after all that again is - when do I get it? When will I take myself off the roller coaster ride of hell?
I repeat the three c's to myself every morning in the shower and I believe them to be true and I know this. I remind myself all the time of all I can do and be but then I watch as he gets patted on the back and cheered on by family and friends for taking all the right steps and I get resentful and angry and yes you've guessed it crazy lady makes an appearance and everyone feels sorry for him having to deal with me and he feels sorry for himself having to deal with me.
When does crazy lady take a hike?
Sorry for the rant and any words of wisdom greatly appreciated.
Firstly thank you for all i have read on these pages. I can relate to so much of what i read and I am reminded that though I may have the support of (most) friends and family, the words of someone who has been where you are and who knows what it is like, are very powerful.
I have a query - when do I start to get it?
I read the words, I work it out for myself, I relate to it, I think about it and I work out how I am going to put it in action in my life and then he says one mean thing to me and boom it all goes out the window and I'm ranting like a crazy lady!
I'm not stupid. I have made my way this far in the world, raising children, holding down jobs doing my bit and playing my part then I meet a man, fall in love, decide to make a life with him and then...discover he is an alcoholic.
I'm not allowed be upset with him that this important piece of information wasn't shared before I moved in with him because he says - he didn't know he was an alcoholic so how can he have been lying to me if he didn't know. The bottles of vodka he was hiding may have given him a clue! (spot the anger bubbling, crazy lady coming out to play!)
Anyway so on and so forth it all comes out - the family history the history of abuse and the decision to do something about it and to stop.
Then it is pretty much everyone's story from there -he is a sweetheart when he wants to be and to the rest of the world he is the most charming fun all round guy. But years now of broken promises, arguments let downs big occasions missed or ruined, threats ultimatums, meetings and counselling.
Yet I still hope I still dream, I still imagine it will all work out.
I spend 3 out of every 10 days approx sad or crying. I let myself get drawn into stupid arguments about dishes, or cooking, or money or my parenting skills all of which I don't believe but in the moment I rant like a crazy lady.
I keep thinking I have a handle on it now. Next argument will be different but then the scared insecure crazy lady takes over and I AM the chaos.
So my question after all that again is - when do I get it? When will I take myself off the roller coaster ride of hell?
I repeat the three c's to myself every morning in the shower and I believe them to be true and I know this. I remind myself all the time of all I can do and be but then I watch as he gets patted on the back and cheered on by family and friends for taking all the right steps and I get resentful and angry and yes you've guessed it crazy lady makes an appearance and everyone feels sorry for him having to deal with me and he feels sorry for himself having to deal with me.
When does crazy lady take a hike?
Sorry for the rant and any words of wisdom greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
You may be acting crazy because you are living with an active alcoholic, but you are not crazy. So please forgive yourself for your resentment and anger as it's normal to have these feelings.
The way to get rid of them and begin to feel sane again, is by practicing DETACHMENT. Go to Al Anon, read a lot on SR, get all the books on codependency, and gradually you will grasp it.
We are here to support you!
The way to get rid of them and begin to feel sane again, is by practicing DETACHMENT. Go to Al Anon, read a lot on SR, get all the books on codependency, and gradually you will grasp it.
We are here to support you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Dublin, I'm sorry for what you're going through. You can find some solace in knowing you're not alone in your struggles, and there is much wisdom here in the SR community to draw from. If you're continuing to live with him while he's actively drinking, Al Anon and Smart Recovery can help give you the tools to communicate in healthy ways and to keep your sanity through this. (And yes, I've been that crazy lady at times too - who can blame us?!)
Welcome - keep posting, keep asking, keep reaching for help. Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
Welcome - keep posting, keep asking, keep reaching for help. Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
Thank you all for your posts. Blackbear62 I hear you when you say it can be lonely that is very hard sometimes and yes I hope to find strength here and some tools to help me cope. I go to Al anon but I need to get to meetings more regularly I think.
Many thanks again.
Many thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
For me understanding alcoholic behavior was one of the biggest helps. That and knowing that others have experienced the same thing I did. That's why SR was so great. I really hope it helps you as well. If you read a lot on here you will find out which members are still living with active alcoholics. You can go back and read all their old posts and hopefully get more specific advice. I never lived with my A (thank God) but I can tell you with absolute certainly, that if I had, crazy would be an understatement for how I would have acted/felt...Please take care of YOU. Hugs.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Dublin, and Welcome! Glad you decided to introduce yourself.
I guess it boils down to this...you are living with an active alcoholic. There is nothing you can do to change him. So, can you love him, be with him, as he is right now. Drinking, hiding bottles, lying about it.....? If so, great! If not, then there are some decisions you may need to make.
The good news is that you don't have to decide right this very second. Take some time and make a decision that is right for you. I hope you will stick around, keep reading! We do understand.
I guess it boils down to this...you are living with an active alcoholic. There is nothing you can do to change him. So, can you love him, be with him, as he is right now. Drinking, hiding bottles, lying about it.....? If so, great! If not, then there are some decisions you may need to make.
The good news is that you don't have to decide right this very second. Take some time and make a decision that is right for you. I hope you will stick around, keep reading! We do understand.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: birmingham uk
Posts: 20
Hello Dublin,
I was doing the same as you just 2 weeks ago and I told him to go now he's living with a girl he met in rehab. im still being the crazy woman so crazy with them crazy without them, we need to take care of us.
I was doing the same as you just 2 weeks ago and I told him to go now he's living with a girl he met in rehab. im still being the crazy woman so crazy with them crazy without them, we need to take care of us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Hi Dublin. So glad you posted!
I was the crazy lady you describe. I was seething with anger. I was mad at my exah. I was mad at God. And mostly, I was mad at myself for getting myself into such a horrible situation. I used to get drawn into those arugments all the time. Several times, I had to lock myself in the bathroom for fear of what I might do to the exah.
One day, as I stood in our livingroom screaming about my exah's latest relapse, our son came walking around the corner and I saw a look of fear in his eyes. At that very moment, I realized how very sick I had become and how badly I needed help.
I started going to al anon but I only went to about 1 meeting a week. I did this for a while. And then someone told me that just like the alocholic, if I really wanted to get well, I had to go to more meetings, find a sponsor, and work the steps. Some even suggested 90 meetings in 90 days just like they recommend for the alcoholic.
Well, 90 meetings in 90 days wasn't feasible but I did attend 3-4 meetings a week, got a sponsor, worked the steps and I can't even tell you how my life has changed. It's been alot of work. I had to do alot of soul searching and take ownership of my part of the problem and really focus on ME instead of my exah.
Bottom line... I had to work the program I wish he would work. Maybe it will inspire him to work his own program...maybe it won't. That's not the reason you do it. You do it for YOU and only YOU. I wish I could really explain how much my life has improved. The anger is gone. I have compassion for my exah but his problems don't rule my life. I am not trapped. I am healthier mentally and physically than I've been in years.
I'm glad you're here. Keep posting. You're among friends here who 'get it'.
Hugs
Mary
I was the crazy lady you describe. I was seething with anger. I was mad at my exah. I was mad at God. And mostly, I was mad at myself for getting myself into such a horrible situation. I used to get drawn into those arugments all the time. Several times, I had to lock myself in the bathroom for fear of what I might do to the exah.
One day, as I stood in our livingroom screaming about my exah's latest relapse, our son came walking around the corner and I saw a look of fear in his eyes. At that very moment, I realized how very sick I had become and how badly I needed help.
I started going to al anon but I only went to about 1 meeting a week. I did this for a while. And then someone told me that just like the alocholic, if I really wanted to get well, I had to go to more meetings, find a sponsor, and work the steps. Some even suggested 90 meetings in 90 days just like they recommend for the alcoholic.
Well, 90 meetings in 90 days wasn't feasible but I did attend 3-4 meetings a week, got a sponsor, worked the steps and I can't even tell you how my life has changed. It's been alot of work. I had to do alot of soul searching and take ownership of my part of the problem and really focus on ME instead of my exah.
Bottom line... I had to work the program I wish he would work. Maybe it will inspire him to work his own program...maybe it won't. That's not the reason you do it. You do it for YOU and only YOU. I wish I could really explain how much my life has improved. The anger is gone. I have compassion for my exah but his problems don't rule my life. I am not trapped. I am healthier mentally and physically than I've been in years.
I'm glad you're here. Keep posting. You're among friends here who 'get it'.
Hugs
Mary
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Dublin,
I was enmeshed in an relationship with an A for years and as time went on I also got "crazy" and towards the end would be seething with rage and thoughts of murder even crossed my mind. I remember the rages, the enjoyment I got from scaring him with my psycho B routine (it was partially an act to control his behavior) but at the root the rage was real and came from the insanity of the disease of alcoholism.
Alcoholism is a family disease and not only is it progressive it does makes you crazy... and miserable. To attempt to stay serene and peaceful while living with active alcoholism is possible for some... it was not for me. I was not wired that way... I am ACOA and my using anger and threats of violence when pushed over the edge came from my family of origin and my own alcoholic father's type of controlling behaviors.
...looking back on my relationship with my XA I see that his alcoholism and my codie core self fit together like a broken crazy mirror... we were a broken puzzle with bizzare pieces that attracted to each other because of our brokenness and it was subconscious! At the time anyway... later I began to figure out how sick we both were but could not shake the dream, the illusion that "we were different" and would live happily ever after.
Extreme anger that boils over into craziness (even when provoked by a crazy drunk) is something to look into with a good therapist along with alanon and lot lots of reading.
After my X got curbed for crossing my boundaries and I went NC the rages ended! I was cured! Hallelujah! ...lol.
Actually, I am just not provoked on a daily basis anymore but that is why I come here... because I know that the broken pieces of my puzzle are just less jagged. I am better. I am happy, peaceful and serene at last... but if pick up and adopt another broken alcoholic my rages will come right back if I am not careful!
Hope that helps... our stories always add some perpective and something to think about anyway.
PS... I did join alanon and work the steps... it works if you work it.
I was enmeshed in an relationship with an A for years and as time went on I also got "crazy" and towards the end would be seething with rage and thoughts of murder even crossed my mind. I remember the rages, the enjoyment I got from scaring him with my psycho B routine (it was partially an act to control his behavior) but at the root the rage was real and came from the insanity of the disease of alcoholism.
Alcoholism is a family disease and not only is it progressive it does makes you crazy... and miserable. To attempt to stay serene and peaceful while living with active alcoholism is possible for some... it was not for me. I was not wired that way... I am ACOA and my using anger and threats of violence when pushed over the edge came from my family of origin and my own alcoholic father's type of controlling behaviors.
...looking back on my relationship with my XA I see that his alcoholism and my codie core self fit together like a broken crazy mirror... we were a broken puzzle with bizzare pieces that attracted to each other because of our brokenness and it was subconscious! At the time anyway... later I began to figure out how sick we both were but could not shake the dream, the illusion that "we were different" and would live happily ever after.
Extreme anger that boils over into craziness (even when provoked by a crazy drunk) is something to look into with a good therapist along with alanon and lot lots of reading.
After my X got curbed for crossing my boundaries and I went NC the rages ended! I was cured! Hallelujah! ...lol.
Actually, I am just not provoked on a daily basis anymore but that is why I come here... because I know that the broken pieces of my puzzle are just less jagged. I am better. I am happy, peaceful and serene at last... but if pick up and adopt another broken alcoholic my rages will come right back if I am not careful!
Hope that helps... our stories always add some perpective and something to think about anyway.
PS... I did join alanon and work the steps... it works if you work it.
healthy choices......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
The first step for many, and for myself, is to get on here and be open to what is happening in our lives. Alcoholism is very secretive, we codies protect the A in our lives. I know that I did - I told very few people that RAH was drinking again. Actually I called an old co-worker who had been sober for 17 years for advice, but friends and family had no idea. The secretiveness of this disease is very damaging and in my opinion perpetuates an illusion of a life that is not really happening.
I was protective of my A on here - it was the same story I read so often "He is such a great guy and I love him so much its just the drinking". NOT. He is a great guy, but I wasn't happy and I hadn't been for a year. My own co-dependent issues had affected our relationship. I was flat out exhausted managing our lives which had zero to do with him picking up again. It had never occurred to me when I got on SR that I would end up seeking help for myself and MY problems and stop trying to manage/control his (something in hindsight I realize I did in EVERY relationship I ever had).
Educate yourself about this disease it effects everyone in its path. Al Anon is a life saver I strongly encourage you to go.
I was protective of my A on here - it was the same story I read so often "He is such a great guy and I love him so much its just the drinking". NOT. He is a great guy, but I wasn't happy and I hadn't been for a year. My own co-dependent issues had affected our relationship. I was flat out exhausted managing our lives which had zero to do with him picking up again. It had never occurred to me when I got on SR that I would end up seeking help for myself and MY problems and stop trying to manage/control his (something in hindsight I realize I did in EVERY relationship I ever had).
Educate yourself about this disease it effects everyone in its path. Al Anon is a life saver I strongly encourage you to go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Welcome Dublin AKA Crazy Lady 
Glad you posted and hope you stick around. My experience when I first began al-anon years ago was filled with more confusion and things that just didn’t sound quite right to me, didn’t feel loving, etc.
Then I heard this expression: Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don’t yet understand.
Give it chance, give this site a chance and your world will open up. Many of us here have played the crazy lady role..lol
Glad you posted and hope you stick around. My experience when I first began al-anon years ago was filled with more confusion and things that just didn’t sound quite right to me, didn’t feel loving, etc.
Then I heard this expression: Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don’t yet understand.
Give it chance, give this site a chance and your world will open up. Many of us here have played the crazy lady role..lol
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 76
This site was a tremendous help to me in getting off that roller coaster.
For me, along with detachment was the realization that I didn't have to engage in his...behavior...was one of the things that removed much of the chaos from my life. Like many stories, my husband picked fights, blamed, belittled, and quacked his heart out and I too became the Linda Blair-esque head spinning crazy woman. And then I posted my story on another website and someone posted a link to this site. And I read every thing posted in the stickies, and I read other websites about alcoholism.
So when he'd pick a fight, I'd walk away. Or I'd just go "mhm" and go back to what I was doing. Or I'd completely agree with him, and that would be the end of the "fight." But when I stopped engaging, the fights stopped happening. I continued with what I was doing and he usually went off and did what he did.
That isn't to paint my experience with rose colored glasses, because not engaging was AWFULLY tough (my husband fought dirty when he was drinking...I walked away from a lot of terrible comments about myself in order to for it not to escalate), and fights happened sometimes even regardless of my best efforts, but I refused to get drawn into the craziness and chaos as much as possible.
For me, along with detachment was the realization that I didn't have to engage in his...behavior...was one of the things that removed much of the chaos from my life. Like many stories, my husband picked fights, blamed, belittled, and quacked his heart out and I too became the Linda Blair-esque head spinning crazy woman. And then I posted my story on another website and someone posted a link to this site. And I read every thing posted in the stickies, and I read other websites about alcoholism.
So when he'd pick a fight, I'd walk away. Or I'd just go "mhm" and go back to what I was doing. Or I'd completely agree with him, and that would be the end of the "fight." But when I stopped engaging, the fights stopped happening. I continued with what I was doing and he usually went off and did what he did.
That isn't to paint my experience with rose colored glasses, because not engaging was AWFULLY tough (my husband fought dirty when he was drinking...I walked away from a lot of terrible comments about myself in order to for it not to escalate), and fights happened sometimes even regardless of my best efforts, but I refused to get drawn into the craziness and chaos as much as possible.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It helps me to just split if he tries to start something ridiculous with me.
"Hey crazytown, you want a pointless circular argument, well you can do it with yourself - peace out."
The I hop in the car - take a drive - go fishing - read my book at the river whatever to get me out of there. If I don't, my own anger + crazy take over, and then I'm just as ridiculous as he is. Screw that. I don't want to be that person, and I'm done allowing him to make me that way.
Half the time when I've come back, he's either passed out or gets one last moronic dig in then passes out. Since I took some time for myself and used it to focus on NOT ruminating about the stupidity and chaos, I can take that last drunken dig, flip him off in my head, keep my lips zipped, and call it a night semi peacefully.
"Hey crazytown, you want a pointless circular argument, well you can do it with yourself - peace out."
The I hop in the car - take a drive - go fishing - read my book at the river whatever to get me out of there. If I don't, my own anger + crazy take over, and then I'm just as ridiculous as he is. Screw that. I don't want to be that person, and I'm done allowing him to make me that way.
Half the time when I've come back, he's either passed out or gets one last moronic dig in then passes out. Since I took some time for myself and used it to focus on NOT ruminating about the stupidity and chaos, I can take that last drunken dig, flip him off in my head, keep my lips zipped, and call it a night semi peacefully.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
Wow! Thank you all so much. It is so good to hear that people were exactly where I am but didn't get taken over by the craziness.
Just to clarify my RA (He's not my husband and I feel too old to have a boyfriend so just A will do). Is on about day 60 of his 90 days 90 meetings and has got a sponsor and is really trying. This is attempt number 3. So much of the chaos has gone but not all. he is making a huge effort and has lots of people behind him but when I wrote the original post in this thread I was angry with everyone and everything for all the chaos that went before and didn't see why he should get brownie points for now acting like a human being.
I'm not angry now but determined. I want recovery for myself. I joined in all the crazy and lived in chaos and did a lot I'm not proud of.
Thank you for all your wisdom. I'm going to a meeting today and if he deserves a fresh start and a clean slate then so do I. Going to try to remember all I have read here and going to make a huge effort not to get dragged back in to any chaos. Each and every response here has taught me something and helped me. I think I'm gonna like hanging out here with you all.
Many many thanks
Just to clarify my RA (He's not my husband and I feel too old to have a boyfriend so just A will do). Is on about day 60 of his 90 days 90 meetings and has got a sponsor and is really trying. This is attempt number 3. So much of the chaos has gone but not all. he is making a huge effort and has lots of people behind him but when I wrote the original post in this thread I was angry with everyone and everything for all the chaos that went before and didn't see why he should get brownie points for now acting like a human being.
I'm not angry now but determined. I want recovery for myself. I joined in all the crazy and lived in chaos and did a lot I'm not proud of.
Thank you for all your wisdom. I'm going to a meeting today and if he deserves a fresh start and a clean slate then so do I. Going to try to remember all I have read here and going to make a huge effort not to get dragged back in to any chaos. Each and every response here has taught me something and helped me. I think I'm gonna like hanging out here with you all.
Many many thanks
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