CAgirl9

My home is feeling VERY disfunctional. RAH is cold as ice to me and now 14 yr DD is telling me she thinks I'm an A. DD has been VERY disrespectful to me. I ended up taking her phone away and she won't give me her code -something we agreed to when we first gave her the phone.

I had friends over in December to have a little girls get together and we all had a little too much to drink. This is not common for us. I guess RAH seized the opportunity and DD has since then told me she's not comfortable with me drinking. I stopped drinking -her feelings are very important to me. I did speak with my therapist about this and he told me it's not her decision- that is giving her too much power. I'm working with therapist to see if I do have a problem. I don't think I do but I certainly don't want to be in denial either. I have had a couple episodes where I did abuse it. Stopping is not a big deal for me.

So, my question is that it seems RAH has shifted all the focus on me and he's coming off like the good guy. Trying to make it look like I'm the one with the A problem. Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle it? Did you have teenagers and how did they treat you? I truly feel like my world is falling apart. I just want to run away-this is not what I wanted in life!!

Hanna

I'd send her to al-anon. Also wouldn't be giving that phone back until she gives you the code. This is typical teen taking advantage of the situation in the house with the RAH.

As for you, do you have concerns about your drinking?

CAgirl9

Hanna - Thanks. I've talked to her about Al Ateen - she's not interested. I picked up a daily reader for her and she doesn't want to have anything to do with it.
I don't think I have a problem drinking. I have had times when I've abused it. It's not something I crave or need to have. It's not a problem for me to stop drinking.

Hayfmr

I would completely quit drinking and see what happens. Completely takes away their argument.

Bluegalangal

I don't know... My daughter lost her mind between 13 and 14. We had always been close and suddenly she hate me and disrespected me and wouldn't talk to me or touch me. Knew exactly what buttons to push, too. I know that's no help. But some of it sounds like my experience with a teenage girl. I agree about not giving the phone back without the code being given. Keep your expectations and limits consistent and fair... Apologise if you did treat her unfairly but otherwise stick to your guns.

My daughter did start to get out of it around the age of 15.

thislonelygirl

Alcoholics shift. I couldnt tell you the number of times or people ah said have a drinking problem.
Also your daughter is obviously hurting or continueing to hurt from
Her fathers drinking

Hanna

Oh, I'd make her go, interested or not. If she believes you have a problem (and I suspect she doesn't really believe that) then she needs to educate herself about the disease.

I'm not a parent - that's important for me to say. I can say what I would do but I do that from an armchair knowing theory and reality are two different things.

How bad are things with your husband? Do the two of have any ability to communicate without manipulation and nonsense, or is he completely gone and always at odds with you?

It seems like the power dynamic in the household has shifted over to her. Not a surprise since she has two parents that are not exactly working together, but you've got to get that shifted back over to the adults. She is not ready to be in charge yet!

Bluegalangal

If you could make her go, it would help. But you might not be able to or want to risk it. My daughter started having what was almost an eating disorder and I had to make her go see a therapist. It was a horrible night. But she did go and the therapist put her on antianxiety (short term) medication etc. It did help. But that was a horrible night, she said she hated me and I had to pull all the parent cards: I'm sorry you hate me, I have to make this decision for you, you will go see this therapist because I love you and I don't want you to damage yourself.

dandylion

Dear Cagirl, i wholeheartedly agree with those who feel that your daughter is acting out the dynamics of the household---perhaps a power shift---or other dynamics. The atmosphere in the home effects every person there. Children are especially vulnerable and they act out their fears, etc., because they don't have the skills that adults have to express them.

Since you have a therapist, I would explore how to best help your daughter--individual or family therapy---or whatever seems prudent. Alcoholism in the family effects the whole family.

I think the worst thing would be to chalk it up to just being a disrespectful "teen". Yes, teens can be moody, testing the boundries, etc.--and it is important to set boundries for them---bUT, DO NOT IGNORE THE SOURCE OF THEIR PAIN. Please act on this sooner than later---otherwise these confusing battles can escalate into full scale warfare!!! I know, because I have been there.

I h ope this helps.

sincerely, dandylion

Bluegalangal

I don't think it's "just" a disrespectful teen, and I do agree she should get help if she can and address what's going on. But 14 year old girls are kiind of insane and she's dealing with that on top of what may be going on between the daughter and the possibly manipulative RAH.

CAgirl9

Thanks! I did see my therapist yesterday and he told me DD is behaving the way she is because her fear is being triggered. RAH is manipulating her and the best thing for me to do is1. be a role model for her on how to take care of yourself or 2. leave the situation. His advice to me was to take care of me and increase my Al Anon meetings.

I'm holding strong to the boundaries I set with DD on her behavior and she started to come around yesterday. Yesterday she was still angry/cold and then after lunch slowly "thawed" out and warmed up to me. I was crocheting while we watched American Idol and she wanted to learn what I was doing. It was so cute- she cuddled on the couch next to me. These are some of the things that keep me going - they feed my soul. She even brought me my drink without me asking he to do that - so thoughtful!

I have moments where I feel good and strong and sure of what I'm doing then I lose that feeling. Not sure why - guess this is part of my healing and getting better. I just want to get to the point of feeling better and life getting a little easier. I don't like the way RAH treats me - I know I deserve better. I'm starting to accept he's not going to change and that my only choice will be to leave. I think that is what needs to happen but I'm not strong enough yet to do that and I think I'll wait until DD finishes school in June before I make a move. My parents went through a divorce the last couple months before I graduated college and it was devastating. I don't want to do that to her.

I'm totally fine with not drinking in fact, I have not been drinking for the past couple months. I do agree that it takes away the argument from RAH. RAH and I can't even have a conversation face to face. Communication, which is very little, is by email or text. I've posted before that he'll come home, acknowledge DD and completely ignore me. It doesnt feel like he's working a program and I think I've been hoping things would get better since he stopped drinking. That's been 14 months now and I haven't seen any changes in his behavior.

I'm sorry if the few posts I have made are repetitive. I'm not sure if I'm missing something or if this is part of the process of recovery. I've learned a lot recently and i do feel overwhelmed so maybe I'm trying to sort through everything. I can be a slow learner with stuff like this- or maybe I'm just hardheaded! Maybe I'm still in denial about some things?
Thank you so much to everyone for your feedback. This site has been so wonderful and supportive. Thanks!!

wicked

It is overwhelming in the beginning. You are learning, and how long it takes you is how long it takes.
When I was in the process of detaching from my ex, I still held out for change. I kept up the process of removing myself and my children from him.
Just keep going and you will get where you want to be.
A place of serenity and peace where you and your daughter are happy and can be yourselves. That is what I found.
Your daughter feels safer when an adult is in charge (a sober adult). Taking the phone and reminding her that you love her will go a long way.
How is the crocheting going?

Beth

wicked

Your therapist is a winner! Absolutely, this is excellent advice.
Thinking of you and your daughter,
Beth

fairlyuncertain

I have a teenaged daughter. I don't drink, but if I did and was accused by my ex of alcoholism, that would cause a lot of fear and anxiety for the kids--what happens if both of your parents are caught in the disease of alcoholism? It's already chaotic.

I would imagine if you quit drinking and let your daughter know what you are doing, it would be a big relief. Or, in some way acknowledge that fear.

Teenage daughters are like alcoholics in a way. B/c of hormones they're more volatile, sensitive, moody and self-involved...except in teens it's a healthy developmental stage!

CAgirl9

Wicked - Thanks for the words of encouragement. Sometimes I just don't feel like I've made any progress. I know I have though.
The crocheting is going great! I had started a blanket in college (over 25 years ago) and didn't quite finish it. So, a couple weeks ago I found yarn that matched!!! I was so excited!! It has been great therapy for me while I hang out with DD in the evenings and we watch our tv shows. I like to craft too and have a craft room - which I need to spend more time in.
I really like my therapist - he specializes in alcohol/addiction. RAH is having a fit that I'm spending $$ for counseling.

fairlycertain - thanks - I have shared with DD that I will not drink - her feelings are important to me and I want her to feel safe. If heard it before that teenagers are like alcoholics so I try to detach with certain behavior. Teenage behavior is so tough then you throw in the alcoholic home and it throws me for a loop. I just need to stay grounded I guess. Thanks!!

wicked

Great news! LOL Finding the matching yarn 25 years later, I think that is beautiful, and a shot of serendipity. (or higher power! )
Hanging out with your daughter and watching tv together sounds great for both of you.
Yeah, an alcoholic is not gonna like you getting better. It makes his life difficult and he will do what is necessary to get you to change back.
Do not change back.
It is great how you are feeling better. And one shift in your perception can change you.
Keep it up with that therapist.

Beth

dandylion

Dear CAGirl, it sounds like your husband is "dry" (not drinking), but is not working a program of recovery.

Recovery involves having a sponsor and dilligently working the 12-steps. This takes a lot of work and committment. In recovery the person has to change their thinking and attitudes and then their behaviors. They literally start to live life differently.

You have not seen any changes in 14months?? Hmmm.......

sincerely, dandylion