SO in denial

Old 03-27-2013, 12:00 PM
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SO in denial

I talked to my dad on the phone today. Just a normal phone call about normal stuff---when they're coming to visit next, do they want to go to Six Flags, we finished the basement guest room, etc. I talked to my little brother first. He said he's quitting his job and moving out of state. It's whatever, since he's always got strange and extreme plans that may or may not happen. He says he thinks he's going to be fired from his job and wasn't clear about the reason. When I talked to my dad, he said he was surprised they didn't fire him over all the "incidents" that had occurred. I asked what that meant, and apparently this is a joke between my dad and brother, because my dad said (with my brother in the room, commenting in the background) "This idiot backed his car into a fire hydrant at work." I said, "You mean he was drinking?" My dad laughed and said "Of course he was drinking."

I mentioned that was a pretty stupid thing to do, and my dad commented that, Yeah, even he hasn't done that in a while himself. I mentioned again how stupid it is for anyone to do it and it's an easy way to F up your life forever, and he said "Well there are plenty of ways to F up your life anyway. And it's no big deal if you take backroads" and proceded to tell me why.

I know my brother drinks too much and have seen him do some stupid and obnoxious stuff and treat people badly when he drinks, but I didn't know he was driving drunk. AND I didn't know my dad, a former member of AA, now off the wagon, was around my brother all the time exemplifying the idea that this is acceptable behavior.

I am FRUSTRATED. I hate it when my dad treats me as though I should agree with the absurd things he says. Like I don't belong because I'm a "goody-goody."

I guess I really can't call this news. I've seen the way my little brother drinks and I suspected that he was headed to the same place as the rest of my family. I just think he would be a lot better off if they weren't so OKAY WITH IT! I really wanted him to be the one to fight this disease, or avoid it. We used to be so close. How can anyone have a chance in a family with parents who aren't even bothered by it.

AAAAHHH!

Not hoping for a certain response, unless anyone can pull a sober family out of a magic hat. Just needed to say AAAAAAHHH!
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Old 03-27-2013, 02:11 PM
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It's hard when you have no control over family members you love. I had to detach from my brother and parents. I love them all, but can't be part of the chaos that is their lives.

Curious...if your Dad comes to visit do you intend to let him drink in your home? That IS a boundary you can set for you.
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Old 03-27-2013, 03:36 PM
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Right there with ya!!!! RAHs family are all heavy drinkers and many alcoholics in the bunch. With a SIL that's had 3 DWIs and disappears for several days at a time, a nephew with many alcohol related offenses, that while totally wasted tackled my 22yo daughter and seriously injured her (she's had to have surgery TWICE and missed 3 1/2 months of work with no pay since she's self employed) and ya know what him and his family had to say...... Not a word! No one even called to check on my daughter. Talk about denial!!!!

I had to go No Contact.

Sometimes you have to burn some bridges to keep the crazies from following you!

((((((Hugs)))))))
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Recovering2 View Post
It's hard when you have no control over family members you love. I had to detach from my brother and parents. I love them all, but can't be part of the chaos that is their lives.

Curious...if your Dad comes to visit do you intend to let him drink in your home? That IS a boundary you can set for you.
I guess I didn't have a plan. This may sound strange (or maybe not at all), but even though he's had sobriety time and admitted his problem at one point in his life, I don't think he acknowledges it anymore. Both of my parents drink everywhere they go, including my house during their very rare visits, and I ignore it because it's easier to play along than to call them out and start an argument. I've told my husband I want to have a sober household when they visit, since in the past I've been upset with my parents' behavior when they visit (driving back to the hotel drunk [they will say they're not drunk or "okay to drive"] with my brother and sister--two eight year-olds--in the car; showing up after noon the next day when we had plans to meet much earlier so they could spend time with my two toddlers). For a while it bothered me so much that I wanted to go no-contact, but I want to see my brother and sister (the eight year-olds).

My husband replied with my same thoughts: We could just not drink when they are here, but he's not comfortable asking them not to drink, and neither am I really. At least not my dad.

So as of now, my boundaries include:

-Not waiting around for them to get out of bed in the morning--I will just take my kids (and my brother and sister if I can), and have fun without my parents.[/I]
-Insisting that the twins stay here if my parents choose to drive under the influence. (Still worried about how that one will play out, since I've never tried it. They only visit once or twice a year.)

It would just be so much easier if either of them acknowledged that they are being unsafe. I always let them convince me that I'm being a jerk, in the moment.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by bless5 View Post
With a SIL that's had 3 DWIs and disappears for several days at a time, a nephew with many alcohol related offenses, that while totally wasted tackled my 22yo daughter and seriously injured her (she's had to have surgery TWICE and missed 3 1/2 months of work with no pay since she's self employed) and ya know what him and his family had to say...... Not a word! No one even called to check on my daughter. Talk about denial!!!!

I had to go No Contact.
WOW. I don't blame you one bit for going NC. Did your daughter attempt to press charges?
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:41 AM
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No she didn't. I tried to talk in into it, but she didn't want to press charges against "family". At 22yo, she has to make her own choices about it, but it has cost her financially and emotionally. They were close family that we vacationed with and got together with all the time. I had lunch with the nephew that hurt her and my SIL (his mom-she was driving him around because he didn't have a license because of DWI) the day it happened... and then not a word. I talked to them both once over a month after it happened, and it didn't go well, mostly that it's they don't want to discuss it. It's been a year and a half ago now.
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