PreciousKitty

Was sober for 9 months then relapsed for a bit. I now realize I relapsed because I was avoind the same issues that kept me drinking in the first palce. I allowed my kids and husband to take atvantage of me.

Anyway my husband was always verbally abusive until I left him about 10 years ago. He begged me to come back. He said he would stop being a workaholic, put his family first and stop being a jerk to everyone.

I went back. He did stop the verbal abuse mostly but is still a workaholic, and pretty much emotionally not available. Once I went back to him all kinds of crap happened. My mom, brother and sister died. My kids were teenagers and getting into all kinds of trouble. I had a nervous breakdown. He would say something to pacify me then be out the door to build his business, and of coarse keep up his necessary full time employment. He broke his promise. I fell into my alcoholism and depression and until recently have just been to far gone to even see past it. I ended up in rehab.

Now I am finally feeling better, fully alive, but scared to death to deal with this issue. He still works all the time, plus another 40 on the business. I have found that lately my thinking is well he wants to work so bad, I will spend the money he makes. For the record- I work also.

I am not on his business account and I have much resentment about that. He insists that it is our business. If that is true why am I not on the account?
He has threatened (in sort of a teasing way) to "cut me off" from all the money if I keep spending it.

I feel that I supported him for all these years by taking care of all the kids and everything at home while he built this business. He has thousands, thousands and thousands of dollars invested in this business.

I used to want him to be together; for him to be there for and with me. But rRecently I prefer he is off to work. I have had thoughts of what if we split again. I get mad because I feel like I wounldn't have anything, and I threw away 10 years by falling for his promises and going back.

There is the option of "working things out" also, but I am scared to death to even attempt to do that. It would require me speaking up for myself, arguments etc....

I think I will stop writing now. I am beginning to feel triggered.

I am aware that this post is full of blaming and whining. Thanks for listening.

Nonsensical

Google "incentive sensitization". It'll give you something else to think about.

Dib42

If you spend all the money he makes, he'll have to work harder to make more.

I work a lot as well, my wife yells at me about this a lot. But I work so she can be a stay at home mom, so we can have a modest house, and feed and clothe our kids. I know some day when the kids are a bit older and in school, my wife will start working again, and I can work a little less, so we have a goal. And even though we fight about it some times, we still have a shared goal of me working less when the kids get a little older.

Does you and your husband have a goal with this other business? Being a part of the business is a lot more than someone saying its yours, or being on the checking account. If you were allowed to be more involved in the business you'd get to be around him more, and also help shape a possible plan where eventually he doesn't have to work that second job.
...

27cougar

Hi, my situation is somewhat different (I took my husband back a year ago after he cheated and I kicked him out) but also the same in that my husband begged and promised all the things he would change. A year later, I am realizing that though he may not cheat again, he is always going to have other qualities that I do not like and had hoped would be different.

For me, what has helped is reminding myself daily the simple fact that if I am not leaving him, and am committed to staying (mostly for my kids but also for financial security) then I must take care of MYSELF, for MYSELF, and that drinking is not an ok way for me to cope with what I am CHOOSING to accept.

For me that "tough love" helps.

HopeBegins

I too am staying with someone who may not be right for me. He is verbally abusive at times. However I divorced four years ago, and I don't want to disrupt my kids' lives any further. I have to remind myself that I must take care of myself, just like you are. This means trying to remember things I liked to do and doing them again, and not panicking if he takes off for a few days because he is mad at me over something. I was with my husband 20 years, and he was very distant, so I know that was the right decision, but he did not drink. My new partner introduced me to drinking and I began to drink as a way to cope with the stresses of our problems as "second time arounders." I find it hard to feel good about myself these days, but I am three days completely sober and INTENDING TO STAY THAT WAY.

Odelle

Kitty, I am going to have to agree with the others on this subject. You have your hands full on working your recovery right now, keep up the great work there and deal with the relationship differences later. I have read that many in AA do not recommend making major decisions during early recovery since emotions are all over the place. I am not downplaying how you feel about your situation but do think that making a major change right now may compromise your sobriety. For today, make sobriety your number one priority and once you are firmly grounded then look at your marriage, possibly with the assistance of a counselor. Yoga is sounding like a real good idea to me, maybe something you could look into also?

PreciousKitty

You are all right. I will just stick to my sobriety and go with the flow. Its just that I have been avoiding this for so long and I don't want to the avoidance to turn into a relapse. I guess I just need to find the balance.

Thanks everyone!

27cougar

Hmmm Yoga, sounds interesting!

trachemys

Run. Run like hell.

Anna

I don't imagine that it can be very satisfying spending the money that your husband earns, when what you want is a good relationship. I agree that you should focus on your recovery and try not to have expectations about the relationship.

PreciousKitty

Anna, I did want that at one time. That is what I am struggling with right now. I don't know if I even want that anymore.

It is probably seems superficial but I have enjoyed spending the money. I haven't cared about myself like it for some time so it does feel good.

I think I have some serious ressentment which I didn't realize the first step four I did. I hope to be doiong it again with anew sponsor soon.

Thanks everyone

misspond

Whilst I fully understand that others are recommending that you not look at your relationship, at the end of the day it's a big part of who you are and how you feel. Alcohol is both part of and separate from your relationships.

Sorry, I know that that doesn't make it very clear......when I was in an unhappy relationship with little money, no family close by and a job that didn't pay as much as his and two children to take care of plus other responsibilities I drank wine. When we split up I drank wine and when I left him I drank wine. I liked drinking red wine.....

I am happier out of my relationship ( nearly three years now) but I was still drinking wine (well not now, 16 days sober now - small fish I know) - my drinking both was and wasn't connected to a relationship where I was extremely unhappy.

Sort out one thing and then you'll be able to sort out the next.....I wish you all the best xx

Richierich777

People don't talk anymore. Busy , busy. I can relate in a way to your story. Have to stop, talk and say 'hey it's me and you, that's what you want, right? I'm here and trying to change, and you have to do the same.' 'It's ours and to relieve the stress, let me help.' Hopefully you can talk to your kids and they can relate what you are going through. Take care of yourself first

fantail

Kitty -- I don't have a husband so I'll say that while my reaction is "get out of there!" I also have no real concept of what a relationship is like past the first few years, so I leave that to those who do.

I wanted to ask about your kids, though. You've mentioned a few times that you feel they've taken advantage of you. Have you ever discussed this with them? Are they hostile towards you, or just don't realize?

DrunkTx

I must admit I am very disheartened by this post. Reflecting on the words you use, I fear that the concept of marriage eludes both you and your husband. Don't take this as judgement (although I realize that it is to some extent), but I can tell you I am the sole bread winner in my family and everyday I count the seconds and minutes to when I can come home and hold my wife in my arms (20 years in). Every dollar that she spends on her and the kids that makes them smile makes me feel invincible at work no matter how bad a day. Hell, I am at the airport at 5am this morning after having returned last night at 10pm just because i wanted to sleep next to my wife. If this is not how your husband feels, then you are not fullfiling something for him. Obviously he is falling very short of meeting your needs. But for sure, there is no you vs. him in marriage. Somebody paddling in one direction on the boat with the other person paddling in a different direction will result in both people getting nowhere. There are no winners in marriage, only common objectives and goals.

The good news from my perspective - sobriety will expedite this realization. Learning to walk a sober life will teach you how to swallow ego and pride. Even if he doesn't reciprocate in the beginning, your renewed view on life will compel him to re- evaluate as well. I am confident and know that with sobriety, the right outcomes happen - but to thy own self be true.

ClearLight

Hey PK - have you ever thought about professional counseling? Sometimes a professional counselor can see things that even a sponsor can't see - they can go hand in hand.