How can I help as a third party?

Old 03-27-2013, 09:42 AM
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Unhappy How can I help as a third party?

Hi everyone, I'm new here and a bit rattled by recent events, so I apologize if I ramble a little. Thank you in advance for any advice that you can give me; I'm a bit at sea and could use some help or a fresh perspective...

I'm an American living abroad in Europe with my boyfriend who is of mixed descent (his parents are from separate continents); he grew up basically on one continent with his mother, with visits to his father's side of the family on the other every year or so throughout his life. We've been dating for a little over two years and have a wonderful, strong relationship. I've met almost his whole family and we also have a good relationship.

My question/sure-to-be essay concerns my boyfriend's father, who is a depressive alcoholic (I'm not sure if he has been diagnosed as such, but all signs point to this). A bit of backstory: two Christmases ago we went to visit his father so my boyfriend could visit his family and I could meet them all for the first time. We stayed with his father, who was experiencing severe depression at the time (or, rather, a particularly acute episode), which was probably (my guess) exacerbated by holiday drinking. On Christmas eve, he confided to my boyfriend and his sisters that he was feeling very unwell, experiencing suicidal thoughts, and considering going to the hospital for emergency psychiatric care. He ultimately decided not to go at that time. In the middle of that night he decided to sneak out and go on his own, and my boyfriend heard him leaving and went with him. He was very hurt and upset that his father had not woken him up, since they had had an agreement that my boyfriend would accompany him to the hospital. My boyfriend's father stayed in the psychiatric hospital for, I think, several weeks after that, and then was released.

We went back to visit for the holidays this year, and stayed for a week. Three days after we left to come back here, we learned that the same thing had happened and he was again in the psychiatric ward due to a severe depressive episode.

Then, a few days ago, my boyfriend got a call from his sister (who lives in the same city as their father) saying that their father was in the hospital again, this time as a result of a suicide attempt. He will be in the hospital for some time, until he is physically able to leave (broken legs). I'm not sure if he will then continue on in the psych ward. I think that this is the case.

I'm mostly concerned about how to support my boyfriend in this (I don't think it's appropriate or even possible for me to do anything directly related to his father, though we like each other a lot. We've only met a few times.).
My boyfriend's initial reaction to the news was kind of shocking for me: we were at a friend's house playing computer games (as is our usual routine on Sunday nights) and he received the phone call, went into the other room to take it, came back and shared another piece of news he'd received, and then went on playing games. I didn't even realize that something more serious had happened until we were walking home and joking around later, and then he told me very matter-of-factly.

My boyfriend is normally quite reticent when it comes to how he actually feels about anything, especially his father, so I'm a bit in the dark now. My impression, though, is that my boyfriend is generally quite disappointed and bitter about their ongoing relationship, which seems to have historically been rather neglectful on his father's side. (for example, we were talking the other day about what he could do, and he said that he wanted to try calling more often to be in better touch, but that his father never picks up the phone or returns his calls, even though they have had several discussions about how this hurts my boyfriend. I suggested emailing or writing instead, since a phone call might be stressful or a lot of pressure on both sides. My boyfriend replied, "well, how would you feel if you sent dozens of emails and letters that were never responded to?", meaning that he's already tried that route to stay in contact.) I think he is sort of jaded about his chances of ever truly connecting with his father at this point, although it's clear they love each other.

At the same time, however, his first instinct (he told me the next day) was to try to go to visit his family and his father and try to support them – his traditional role, although he is largely absent, is as the big brother (he is the eldest of five siblings and half-siblings, by a significant margin). The first Christmas that there was a problem, it was my boyfriend who was doing much of the "administrative" work: phoning relatives, fetching and delivering needed items to the hospital, talking to his doctor, etc. I thought this was a bit unnecessary given that he was only visiting for about a week, doesn't speak the native language fluently and hasn't lived in the country full-time for years. This, even though his sisters (both natives of the city and country) were also there. I'm not sure what he was concretely expecting to do once there.

My boyfriend did mention that part of his initial instinct was to stay with his dad once he was out of the hospital, get a job dishwashing or something (we are English teachers, which would not be possible for him to do at home), and (here is the part that really gave me pause) offer to quit drinking with his dad, and get sober together. This struck me as a bit rash, since it would presumably put a LOT of pressure on his father to both rekindle a previously cool relationship and, uh, quit drinking, which I don't think he has seriously attempted yet. I imagine this would also add the guilt of "my son is moving away from a girl, job and country that he loves in order to help me" to his father's plate. (The quit-drinking-together bit frankly surprised me. My boyfriend is not an alcoholic; we live in a beer-drinking country and so we both drink often as is the custom, but it is not problematic for either of us. I am not at all concerned about my boyfriend having alcoholic tendencies at this time. However, he is very concerned about inheriting both the depression and the alcoholism from his father. Am I paranoid to think that this could be a self-fulfilling prophecy on his part, especially if he goes back in this context to a city, country and job that he dislikes? It seems to me like it would be a very risky plan.)

I think it's important for my boyfriend to talk to someone who is not involved in the situation (even me). As English teachers, we live in a community of ex-pats who are friendly and who we see often, but who are not particularly close friends. I'm not sure how much contact he has with other friends in other places, but I think not much. We are in a city where English-speaking counselors and psychiatrists are not immediately available (the capital city is about an hour and a half away). Basically, we do not have professional resources readily available to us here, at least not that I know of.

TL;DR: I want to help my boyfriend to help his alcoholic, suicidal dad in some concrete way. I don't think moving back to his father's city is a good idea at this point, but would a short visit be a better option, once his father is out of the hospital (or in the psychiatric hospital)? I am going to suggest that my boyfriend go to an English AA meeting that is held in the capital city to get some ideas for what he can do/cannot do. I am also going to suggest that he stay in close contact with his other family in the city, and maybe try to reach out to his dad in a way that is low-key and non-threatening.

Please help me. I don't want to push or pry at what is obviously a very fraught and delicate situation, but I do want to help.

Thank you so much.
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Old 03-27-2013, 04:17 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting when needed.

There is excellent reading at the top of this main page. There are 14 links that contain information, our stories, and wisdom. They are referred to as the Sticky posts. (they are marked with a little padlock symbol)

You and your BF may also want to do some reading in our section for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Here is a link

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also here recovering as a former spouse of an alcoholic.

When I got sober, it wasn't because anyone said something profound that snapped me out of my addiction. It wasn't because my drinking buddies or husband decided to join me is getting sober. It was because I finally got sick and tired of drowning all my problems with alcohol.

I wanted my spouse to get sober and begin recovery too. But I knew that just as no one could use words to get me sober, I was powerless to get him sober. I had to let him choose his own path in his own life.

Coming here, I learned about the 3 C's of his addiction:

I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it

It took me a long time to finally accept that concept. I tried for years to get him to stop drinking.

The best advice I have for your situation is to accept that we are powerless over another person's addiction.

Alanon meetings, ACOA meetings, and open AA meetings may be helpful.

Something else I can share with you based on my personal experience:
Alcohol is a depressant. I could not properly deal with my mood disorder until after I had been sober for over a year.
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