How to help my Abf?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6
How to help my Abf?
I've been with my bf for nearly 10 years. I love him very much and i will not give up on him. But his drinking problem is tearing me apart. M getting so depress that i start self harming myself. I don't want to act angry towards him /shout at him and end up arguing so i try to keep it to myself and is really torturing. It hurt so bad everytime he promise me he will stop doing what he do and he end up doing it over and over again. I check on him all the time on GPS just want to know whether he will come home after work or will he be in the pub. I really don't know how to cope and help him. Recently he binge drinks after work every week. And he drive after he drink over the limit. We had numerous fight about his drink driving issue. Sometime he drinks with his colleague, he does not overly drink. Sometimes he binge drink and drive. He said that sometimes when he start drinking, he just want to drink more until he get tipsy. So he just keep drinking one drink after one another and in the end he end up drinking so much. I want to support him and help him to stop but i don't know how. In the past when he drink and drive and come home, he verbally abuse me, and we end up arguing and fighting. I started to get really tired of the arguments and recently i don't argue anymore. I just pretend that i am sleeping or i just give in to whatever he say to prevent any fights. Can someone pls advised me what i should do to help him. How do i cope with him when he drink over the limit and drive home. How should i react so he will stop doing this again.
he said that he will try to stop drink driving several times because he love me. But i don't think he think that his drinking is a problem as he hasn't hit bottom till he really want to quit. He said that his friends think is ok to do that as his friend drink and drive and the friend's gf drink with him too. But he only try to stop because m unhappy about it. But is a round cycle he will say he will try and then end up drink drive come home tipsy and late then i get depress and sad then i forgive him and he said he will try and the process just go over and over again. He said that i have to help him and find out how to stop his binge drinking. BUT i don't know how to plus i don't even think he want to quit himself and he just try to do it so i won't get sad or angry?? Recently he started a new job, his colleagues love to go drinking after work and i think one of his best mate at his work place is a chronic alocoholic. This is where his binge drinking got worse. He don't want to go to AA as he think that he only binge drink and is not sth very serious. He love to drink after work as a way of stress relief from his hectic work. His dad died from drink driving when he was very young. I don't want him to follow his path. Last night it happened again and i pretend that i was asleep when he gets home as m not sure if he will verbally abuse me or not. and today he pretend as nth has happened. And i am still feeling so depress. He saw my cuts and he got angry about it. Everytime if he see me being very depress, self harm , or argue about his drinking, he will start saying oh this relationship won't work and we should break up and in the end i give in but it will work if he just stop binge drink driving. He is lovely in every other ways except his drinking problem that is ruining everything and tearing me into pieces. Recently I feel like self arm every single time he binge drink drink drive, come home we argue , or verbally abuse. And is getting worse i m getting more and more cuts on my arm. It looks ugly. i feel terrible about it.
he said that he will try to stop drink driving several times because he love me. But i don't think he think that his drinking is a problem as he hasn't hit bottom till he really want to quit. He said that his friends think is ok to do that as his friend drink and drive and the friend's gf drink with him too. But he only try to stop because m unhappy about it. But is a round cycle he will say he will try and then end up drink drive come home tipsy and late then i get depress and sad then i forgive him and he said he will try and the process just go over and over again. He said that i have to help him and find out how to stop his binge drinking. BUT i don't know how to plus i don't even think he want to quit himself and he just try to do it so i won't get sad or angry?? Recently he started a new job, his colleagues love to go drinking after work and i think one of his best mate at his work place is a chronic alocoholic. This is where his binge drinking got worse. He don't want to go to AA as he think that he only binge drink and is not sth very serious. He love to drink after work as a way of stress relief from his hectic work. His dad died from drink driving when he was very young. I don't want him to follow his path. Last night it happened again and i pretend that i was asleep when he gets home as m not sure if he will verbally abuse me or not. and today he pretend as nth has happened. And i am still feeling so depress. He saw my cuts and he got angry about it. Everytime if he see me being very depress, self harm , or argue about his drinking, he will start saying oh this relationship won't work and we should break up and in the end i give in but it will work if he just stop binge drink driving. He is lovely in every other ways except his drinking problem that is ruining everything and tearing me into pieces. Recently I feel like self arm every single time he binge drink drink drive, come home we argue , or verbally abuse. And is getting worse i m getting more and more cuts on my arm. It looks ugly. i feel terrible about it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Honestly, this situation doesn't sound good at all. I am worried about you cutting yourself. You need to try to take care of yourself right now and forget about solving your bf's problems because you can not. The disease of alcoholism is too powerful. Please seek counseling and go to Al Anon as soon as possible.
Regarding his drunk driving, you have two choices: call the cops and report him when he does it, or let it go. Fighting with him and worrying about it sounds like it is having a very negative impact on your well being.
Please take care..
Regarding his drunk driving, you have two choices: call the cops and report him when he does it, or let it go. Fighting with him and worrying about it sounds like it is having a very negative impact on your well being.
Please take care..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
You need to remove yourself from that situation right away and get help. You are harming yourself and that is extremely upsetting. Please get help from a close family member or trusted friend. He is not worth this. Please let him go, he is going to do what he wants regardless. Save yourself. This is not a healthy situation for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i too worry very much about your self harm issues in reaction to your bf's problems. you've lost yourself by trying to fix and change him. it's been 10 years...he is who is...he drinks, he gets drunk, he drives, he doesn't care.
you can't CURE him. you can't FORCE him to quit. you will only do yourself further harm. now is the time to stop making this about him, and return to your focus to the most important person in this equation...YOU. you are in a VERY unhealthy toxic situation and it will only get worse unless YOU stop and YOU get yourself into recovery.
next time he drinks and gets behind the wheel, call the cops and report it.
you can't CURE him. you can't FORCE him to quit. you will only do yourself further harm. now is the time to stop making this about him, and return to your focus to the most important person in this equation...YOU. you are in a VERY unhealthy toxic situation and it will only get worse unless YOU stop and YOU get yourself into recovery.
next time he drinks and gets behind the wheel, call the cops and report it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
We all learn the 3 C's of addiction. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. There is nothing you can do if your BF is not ready for sobriety. He is talking talking talking over and over about stopping. But there is no action. Talk is nothing. He wants to drink just enough to get tipsy, but the A can NOT control this disease. And it is NOT your job to control it for him. Alcoholism is a contagious disease, you become as sick as the A if you don't seek your own recovery. Your behaviors show how sick this is making you. Just like he can't make you stop cutting, you can't make him stop drinking.
This is a progressive disease, so however bad you think it is now....it will get worse. The A has ONE true love, and that's alcohol. Not his partner, his children, his family, his friends. His one love is alcohol. You need to get help. He is dragging you down the drain with him, and you're letting him. Find an AlAnon group near you and go to a meeting. It is a very safe place to start to become aware of the patterns you are enmeshed in. Keep posting here, let us help you too.
This is a progressive disease, so however bad you think it is now....it will get worse. The A has ONE true love, and that's alcohol. Not his partner, his children, his family, his friends. His one love is alcohol. You need to get help. He is dragging you down the drain with him, and you're letting him. Find an AlAnon group near you and go to a meeting. It is a very safe place to start to become aware of the patterns you are enmeshed in. Keep posting here, let us help you too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6
Thank you for all the support here . i feel very grateful that i found this forum. I don't think his addiction is till a stage that he need to see a doc. When he is out drinking w friends that does not drink much he is ok he doesnt drink that much bcuz no one accompany him to drink that much. But when he go w his alcoholic friends then that s where the drinking get out of control. or if the situation permit.. Which make me hate his colleague that drink alot. I also started to feel hatred toward his step dad that also is a past alcoholic. Even he didn't cause this but I think bcuz he was a alcoholic n my bf grew up from this type of environment . I started to hate his step dad for that . M feeling much better today last night I told my bf how I feel n I feel relief that I actually talk it out .. I still have hope that my bf will stop binge drink drive . I understand that I have to let go as he might not b able to stop his drinking. But m I suppose to not have any hope that he will b able to change one day? Is not hoping a part of letting go? M abit confuse of the part of letting go?
IsItAlright
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Dear mui,
I know how it feels. I just broke up with bf last Wed. He drinks a lot whenever he went out with his frens... Last year, he would say that he'd try to stop, he'd count day 1, 2, 3... It was getting better before but recent weeks he's drinking 5 nites a week. From nowhere, he'd suddenly promise me that he has done going out no matter what and who; promised he'd be home early, etc.... But nth came true.. I was so disappointed and kept urging him home. And worse than your bf... When he's drunk, he would take cocaine too...
He became verbal abusive as when I trying to urge him home... Called me all the ugly names. It hurts... Hurts like hell... I just worried about his health and what I got is the hateful words. I also wish if I didn't care and could just sleep when he's out... But same as u, I stayed up all nite long worrying.
I also tried to threaten him to stop it by holding broken glass in my hand... When it hurts too much, we lost our mind...
Pls take care of yourself... This reship is really unhealthy and it made u and me sick... Last wed, the verbal abuse became physical. Hes angry about me urging him home, said i gave him hard life and told me to pack n go at 5am! I threw glass cup and he choked my neck n pushed me against wall... My heart was so broken that I picked up the broken glass and wanted to cut my wrist..
I keep reading here now and seeing counselor for drug users' family and partner.. I'm still crying for a while everyday. But being apart would be the best thing now.
Hugs, sweetie.
I know how it feels. I just broke up with bf last Wed. He drinks a lot whenever he went out with his frens... Last year, he would say that he'd try to stop, he'd count day 1, 2, 3... It was getting better before but recent weeks he's drinking 5 nites a week. From nowhere, he'd suddenly promise me that he has done going out no matter what and who; promised he'd be home early, etc.... But nth came true.. I was so disappointed and kept urging him home. And worse than your bf... When he's drunk, he would take cocaine too...
He became verbal abusive as when I trying to urge him home... Called me all the ugly names. It hurts... Hurts like hell... I just worried about his health and what I got is the hateful words. I also wish if I didn't care and could just sleep when he's out... But same as u, I stayed up all nite long worrying.
I also tried to threaten him to stop it by holding broken glass in my hand... When it hurts too much, we lost our mind...
Pls take care of yourself... This reship is really unhealthy and it made u and me sick... Last wed, the verbal abuse became physical. Hes angry about me urging him home, said i gave him hard life and told me to pack n go at 5am! I threw glass cup and he choked my neck n pushed me against wall... My heart was so broken that I picked up the broken glass and wanted to cut my wrist..
I keep reading here now and seeing counselor for drug users' family and partner.. I'm still crying for a while everyday. But being apart would be the best thing now.
Hugs, sweetie.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm worried about YOU, not him. You should know there is NOTHING you can do to make him want to quit. And it isn't his friends that are making him drink--he hangs out with those people BECAUSE they allow him to drink as much as he wants to. Alcoholics like to surround themselves with people who will tolerate or approve of their drinking.
I'm a recovered alcoholic, myself, and it was only when I felt like my life was becoming hopelessly messed up that I was ready to quit.
His telling you that you need to "help" him quit is a diversionary tactic. It isn't your JOB to help him quit--that is an "inside job". But his laying that responsibility on you keeps the responsibility off HIM. If he is still drinking, it's because you aren't doing your job properly. What a load of B.S.!
Look, he may be lovely when he isn't drinking, but the fact is that he IS drinking, and it is only going to get worse from here. Your loving him will not save him. Your managing his life will not save him. Only HE can decide he's had enough and ready to do the hard work involved in changing his life (staying sober is WAY more than just not picking up a drink). It doesn't appear he is anywhere near ready to quit. He is stalling and telling you what he thinks you want to hear so he can continue as he has been.
Sounds like a pretty horrible way for you to live. If you haven't been to Al-Anon, I strongly suggest that you start going. You have a RIGHT to a life where you aren't worried all the time about someone else's behavior.
I'm a recovered alcoholic, myself, and it was only when I felt like my life was becoming hopelessly messed up that I was ready to quit.
His telling you that you need to "help" him quit is a diversionary tactic. It isn't your JOB to help him quit--that is an "inside job". But his laying that responsibility on you keeps the responsibility off HIM. If he is still drinking, it's because you aren't doing your job properly. What a load of B.S.!
Look, he may be lovely when he isn't drinking, but the fact is that he IS drinking, and it is only going to get worse from here. Your loving him will not save him. Your managing his life will not save him. Only HE can decide he's had enough and ready to do the hard work involved in changing his life (staying sober is WAY more than just not picking up a drink). It doesn't appear he is anywhere near ready to quit. He is stalling and telling you what he thinks you want to hear so he can continue as he has been.
Sounds like a pretty horrible way for you to live. If you haven't been to Al-Anon, I strongly suggest that you start going. You have a RIGHT to a life where you aren't worried all the time about someone else's behavior.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
M abit confuse of the part of letting go?
it's been TEN YEARS. you are hoping for something that probably is never going to happen. and that is that he will CHANGE and become somebody else.
it's time to accept REALITY. and get busy taking care of you. what can you do to get better? can you live that recovery you wish he would? you are in a very dangerous place, where self harm seems like a way to deal with HIS Problems.
please...today, right now, take all that hope you have for him, and place it back on you. get some help. get away from this man who is going to destroy you.
it's been TEN YEARS. you are hoping for something that probably is never going to happen. and that is that he will CHANGE and become somebody else.
it's time to accept REALITY. and get busy taking care of you. what can you do to get better? can you live that recovery you wish he would? you are in a very dangerous place, where self harm seems like a way to deal with HIS Problems.
please...today, right now, take all that hope you have for him, and place it back on you. get some help. get away from this man who is going to destroy you.
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