Crazed

Hi, I have been posting in the friends and family section for a few months. I lived with my now-ex alcoholic girlfriend for 13 years, who has been in and out of recovery for years. Forgive me if I am out of line for posting here, but I have been trying to learn about my behaviors and perhaps your insight/comments would be helpful.

Do recovering alcoholics find it inappropriate/damaging if their mate continues to drink? Initially during her first attempts of recovery, I would not drink in her presence. It made me feel guilty/uncaring. But she would often say it is her problem, and would even sometimes urge me to have a drink or two. I know I didn't cause her disease, but wonder if my actions may have contributed to it.

LadyinBC

For me, I live with my daughter and she won't have alcohol in the house as she thinks it's unfair to me. When I first sobered up I would tell people it was okay to drink in front of me. I told myself this because I didn't want to appear weak. But when it comes to alcohol I am weak.

She's a big girl and no you didn't contribute to it. It's her choice to drink, it's my choice to drink. If you drinking in front of her bothers her, she needs to say something. That's exactly what I had to do. Set boundaries. I can't expect people to read my mind.

I don't go to bars, pubs, parties, because I don't want to be around booze and that atmosphere because it bothers me. Some people are okay, some not. I don't have a problem admitting I'm not!

Nonsensical

Like most things in life - it depends...

Everybody is different. Some people in recovery can handle it and others can not. If you think drinking in front of her will cause her to drink again, then don't do it.

Your instinct to seek outside advice is probably good, though. As you've probably seen by now, alcoholics will lie about alcohol. Even to themselves.

And I have no idea what an ex alcoholic is.

avocado

I am single but I would not have a problem dating someone who drinks, but not someone for whom alcohol is a major part of her life. A few drinks with dinner, yes. Gets falling down drunk every weekend, no. Not so much because I fear it would influence me or damage my recovery, but it would just be annoying.

Fallow

It does not bother me.

Other people are always gonna drink, and that is great for them. If they get too drunk or I don't like it I will go somewhere else until they sober up.

If my recovery is affected by what someone else does I have a problem within myself. I need to focus on my part in how I feel. Just my take on it.

My wife and pretty much everyone of my friends drink. I actually find it interesting and helpful to soberly observe their drinking habits. It is all quite foreign to me. I never watched how other people used alcohol responsibly when I was blacked out.

A few people seem uncomfortable drinking around me now. Some because they are nice, and some that have a drinking problem. I am flattered and think its cute that people do not want to drink in my presence whatever the reason, but I don't need anyone to change because of my problem

T4texas

Avocado and fallow,

Well said. I agree with you both. Other people's actions are beyond our control. The only thing we can change is ourselves and how we react to others. Someone else drinking doesn't make me any more or less likely to drink. In fact watching others get s****y drunk makes me less likely because I know that I am just as bad or worse when I drink.

least

if others drink around me it doesn't bother me but I don't like being around drunken people, they're annoying. (now that I don't drink)

silentrun

My husband does not drink so it's not really an issue. I am still early in recovery. I do know if it was in the house my AV voice would go nuts until I either dumped it or drank it. I can't see that ever changing. If he where to order drinks when we were out to eat that would not bother me. Just don't leave me alone with a bottle of whiskey.

Crazed

Thank you all for the feedback. It is helpful.

For clarification, in my original post the "ex" is for girlfriend, not alcoholic

bigsombrero

I flat refuse to store alcohol in my apartment. I don't want a bottle of wine just "sitting around" for a few days. That's out of the question. I don't think I could handle liquor in the house at all, at this point I wouldn't let someone in the door if they had vodka, gin, whiskey etc. If I had guests for dinner, they could bring their own bottle I suppose, but I'd make them take the empty bottle with them.

So I prefer it not in the house. As mentioned, in certain situations it would be okay, but only if it was discarded after it was consumed. No empty beer bottles on my counter. I would not mind if a girlfriend had one or two glass of wine with dinner or something either. But nobody's going to be over at my place pounding back a 12-pack.

Just my .02! Tricky to think about.

oakwood

My husband never drank much to begin with. As time went on and I drank more and more, he drank less and less. I think mostly in a lot of ways he was p@ssed and disgusted and didn't want to encourage me. Plus, someone had to be responsible.

Now I don't mind if others drink in front of me in social situations, but I am grateful for my husband's continued low alcohol consumption. I admit it would be hard for me to resist (not impossible, though) if he were drinking routinely, too.

We don't have alcohol around, either. My husband does have a nice bottle of scotch hidden away from me somewhere. I know I could find it if I had to - he's not too swift in that regard, but I'm passing on it.

Tamerua

I think that is really kind of you to ask.

For me, my partner still drinks, she doesn't have a problem. But, that being said, I asked that she doesn't have wine in the house. That was my drink of choice. I'm fine with beer or liquor around because those don't call my name from the fridge. If they did though, she said she would ditch it all.... Not that or fridge is stocked with that stuff... Had to put a qualifier out there. Lol

quitforme79

I can say that only myself will be the cause of any relapse, not what anyone else does. BUT, I would not be comfortable being in a relationship with someone who gets drunk on weekends. A beer here and there? Sure. The whole world doesn't have to stop and I understand that. Still, I think for me I would rather be with someone who doesn't drink at all. It's an individual thing.

soberlicious

I don't care about being around people drinking in social settings. The first time I quit, I was married to a daily drinker. For 10 years I did not drink, and he drank daily. It was not a problem for me in that it would cause me to crave or to drink, but it was a problem because it caused a disconnect between us, as it always does when one or both people are buzzed all the time.

My opinion on it is this. For a person who is not addicted, alcohol is no big deal, so why drink it at all? It's just not that important. For most people, it's so unimportant that there isn't even a question about it. Not drinking is a very cool thing for a partner to do.

wiscsober

somewhat off topic but you may find Alanon meetings and Alanon literature helpful with your questions

Crazed

Thanks you all so much for taking time to respond.

I have been going to Alanon regularly since Nov. But we have never really discuss this particular issue. For me, it is more about the 3 Cs. I just was curious as to how I may have been unknowingly contributing.

deeker

I think in early recovery that I thought it would be ok to let people drink in front of me. I didn't go out of my way to be in those situations but like my dad for instance, I would say "Dad I don't mind if you have a beer in front of me." he is not an alkie.

But I realized that this illness is very sneaky that way and though I may be ok for awhile that my illness is really working behind the scenes on my subconscience working on my next relapse. I now appreciate that my Dad doesn't drink in front of me. Nobody I know does anymore.

This illness is cunning, baffling and powerful. I also would even pour the wine at Christmas. I was actually flirting with disaster. It was my way of holding onto some part of that way of life. Does that make sense?

LadyinBC

Makes perfect sense. For me telling people it is okay to drink in front of me when it's not is my way of setting myself up for a relapse. Now I have an excuse. So, I shut that one down quite quickly! I have to have boundaries.

bigsombrero

Wow Deeker, you actually poured the wine? When I read that I also thought of my own issues. Like you, in the very early goings I wanted to "hang on" also.

For example, my first month out of treatment I went out to lunch, by myself...at a BAR. Sure the place serves food and during the noon hours it operates as more of a restaurant....but still. To make it worse, I didn't sit at a table, I sat AT THE BAR while eating my lunch. I didn't drink, I was just there to prove to myself that I still could be in bars. That it wasn't "over"...

I could have picked a million places, I was alone, yet I chose to SIT AT A BAR and have a sandwich. What on earth was I thinking? 7 months later, I would never do that, it's ridiculous when there are so many other options. Just like you with the wine, right?

Hope all's well!

Dib42

That line I think is key. I'm really bad at recovery, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. But I don't mind if people drink around me, as long as they're not getting wasted, if I start to have trouble relating to the setting i'm in because everyone is so hammered, I get bored and want to drink. Because a sober person annoys a drunk like a drunk annoys a sober person.

But if someone is having a couple glasses of wine, or a few mixed drinks, a six pack... etc... It actually kind of puts me at ease.
1) I don't feel like they're making consessions for me.
2) Seeing people drink responsibly reminds me that I am different, and I'm incapable of drinking like they do.
(Often I'll think, wow, they had 3 beers and left the rest of the beer for another time... I wouldn't even have put the 12 pack in the fridge, because I didn't want to be that far away from it when I wanted another beer.)