pattyG

I need some help with this. My babysitter has been with me for 3 years. She has stolen money from me (and some tools) in the past (I was warned by others that she had this issue) but she was very good to my kids and reasonably priced. Several things have happened recently: she is close to my XAGF- they talk daily, all my info gets fed to her including dates I am out of town, who is at my house, info about the kids, etc. She even served me my court papers for my ex. (I agreed to this since she was going to serve my ex as well, but my case was dismissed without a hearing so there were no papers) She has increased her rates and decreased her hours to the point that it is crazy. She can no longer cover my Reserve weekends, which is a hardship. Last week she let me know she is moving 30 mins away, but planned on commuting to my house every day. I have found someone else to work for much less, but she can't start until 3 weeks. I would like to give my current sitter 3 weeks notice so she can find another job or at least plan her finances. Also my kids are close to her and i would like to have them be prepared for this change and for her to feel like she can stop back and see them. I am worried that she may quit on me before then, testify against me if the court thing goes to trial, or steal things from my house. I am also having alot of anxiety about her contact with my ex. It is like an open channel for info between them, as well as i can't resist my curiosity, so NC is hard.
My thought was I would sit down and talk to her this week, explain the distance, finances, and her time constants. Then let her know I don't want things to end on bad terms and that I am giving her 2 weeks notice so she can plan. i know she is going to be upset because her and her BF just put an offer on a house and she has a new car...but there have been care issues recently. Anyway, any thoughts? ideas?
My friends have suggested not giving her notice to protect my things but to me that is wrong. i can't pay her a severence because she already got a $500 bonus in Jan from my elderly mom, who lives with me. I could bring up the money and hours and let her decide to quit, but to me that feels bad too.

ShootingStar1

PattyG, in this case, the safety and care of your children has to come first, at the very top of the list. I don't see how you can have this woman in your house and leave the care of your kids to her if she has been let go and knows it.

If her past behavior were stellar, and you had absolute faith in her, I would still see it as questionable, but maybe possible. I've had lots of sitters when my kids were done, and when its done, its done.

You just don't know what she is going to do. She has acted against your best interests in so many ways.

I think the question here is really about your guilt about choosing to NOT have her, not about proper care for your kids. You don't have to keep someone who is toxic on your payroll, just because you don't have to. Period. End of sentence. No explanation needed.

How can you bridge the gap for three weeks? Can your new sitter start sooner, or perhaps recommend someone as a temporary backup? You may have to scramble more, perhaps delay and keep this sitter for a week, but do that rather than tell her and let her have access to your precious kids.

If you just can't find another sitter, then don't mention anything at all to your sitter until her last day. Otherwise, you just don't know what she'll do.

Take care, good luck,

ShootingStar1

SoberKnitter

Wow. The fact that she wasn't fired the day she stole from you boggles my mind. I don't think giving a thief and a gossip whom you leave alone with your children a reason to be upset is a good idea at all. It sounds crazy.

CentralOhioDad

I agree with SS1 - I would NOT let her know about your plans. Who says that she wouldn't let the ex come over and see the kids when you're not there? Who says she wouldn't take the kids to see the ex? Who says she won't take other things from your house knowing she won't be back?

IMO, telling her would be a bad idea. And I don't think she needs any sort of severance. She knows how toxic the ex is to you and your children, and yet she feeds the ex all sort of inside info, DAILY.

Protect yourself, your children, and your house. As she's walking out the door on the day before the new sitter starts, then you let her know, and immediately get the locks changed as soon as she pulls away.

pattyG

I am concerned that if i do that, not only would I feel horrible, but she could call the IRS, etc. The whole Nanny tax stuff. I feel like if I make it reasonable, then maybe she will not see it as punitive. I know it sounds crazy, but she has been good to my kids. She hasn't gotten caught stealing but considering it has been my wallet, my money and my mom's money in the past 2 years and she is the ONLY person around and has the reputation, I have no doubt.
The other idea, which isn't really a good one is to give her some sort of severence, but I really can't afford that! Thats why giving her a few weeks notice, and making it about the other real issues...hopefully with make it more pallitable.
At one point I had told my ex i was going to let her go based on their contact because so much of my info was shared. My ex promised that she was going to cut off all contact with her to protect my sitter's job. That didn't last. Right now I have a ton of Army duty as well as my cruise coming up. She can't cover any of it. I feel like to make it about this stuff will be realistic.
As far as stuff being stolen, i have a deadbolt on my bedroom door. My valuables are all locked up. I can lock up my tools right after the conversation. I don't know??? letting her go with no notice seems horrible.

FireSprite

There is NO WAY I'd give her notice based on her past behaviors... letting her go with no notice would seem horrible if she were a great employee, not someone that steals from you & aligns themselves with your Ex during a terrible divorce/custody battle. This is the disease of codependency - you are worried more for her well-being than for you & your kids. Do you think she lays awake at night worrying about you?

I highly doubt she'd put the effort into calling the IRS or that they'd take her seriously.

CentralOhioDad

Or - it could have been your AXGF stealing from you to pay for her addiction, maybe facilitated by the Babysitter.

I understand and appreciate your compassion for this person, but take feelings, guilt, emotions out of it and see what you're left with.

stella27

Why are you telling your ex what your plans are? You have a major information conduit running through this threesome.

stella27

There's just no way that I will allow someone who does not have my best interests at heart have access to my children - absent a court order (hence, visitation with their father).

AnvilheadII

you keep it simple and to the point - i've made other arrangements and your services are no longer needed. unless you have a formal written contract that spells out terms of termination, you don't OWE her anything. she's in cahootz with your EX who is taking you to court, for pete's sake. she has stolen from you, taken advantage of you, raised her rates. that's not someone i'd want within the same zipcode as my kids!!!!

get your house key back and change the locks immediately. make sure your house is safe like fort knox, lock on every door and window. you really REALLY need to extricate yourself from this mess.

DreamsofSerenity

I let a babysitter go once who stole from me, smoked around by son, and fed him McDonald's when I asked her repeatedly not to. I gave her a huge chunk of severance really wanting to end things on good terms. She STILL got mad and acted horribly about the whole thing.

I think everyone's point is that you can not expect her character to change for the better when you tell her it's over. If anything, it will change for the worse. Just because you act honestly and graciously does not mean she will do the same.

I don't know what you should do, I'm just throwing out thoughts.

bamboo10

dont give her any notice. you dont need to. i have babysat for forever-nobody has ever given me notice (well im also not stealing and stuff like that) but still. I say on the last day just say im sorry but i will no longer be needing you.

bamboo10

she cant technically call the irs can she? technically-as a babysitter it is your responsibility to show that income to the irs and once that is done you would get involved. you shouldnt be submitting tax money unless they ask you to contribute when she files it. i believe but i could be wrong?

pattyG

Beacuse she babysits in my home, she is considered an employee by the IRS. She claims $5000 a year as income because I claim it on my taxes. Next year I will need to get a form from her for this year. (I have already submitted the paperwork for this year and been reinbursed from my TSA)

Florence

In my opinion, you can't fire someone without hurting her feelings. Keep your kids' safety paramount. Stop worrying about whether or not she will like you when it's all done. I think you give her a lot of credit -- for being a cheat and a thief, I doubt she will want to get tied up with the government and admitting that she earns more than she claims on her taxes.

Recovering2

Your concerns and feelings about this situation remind me of how we often talk about our A's. You seem to minimize or rationalize the fact that she has likely stolen from you, does not have enough respect for you to stop sharing info with the ex, increases her pay request while being less available, has created a "hardship" for your Reserve weekends. You are also worried about her reactions, trying to find ways to control them.

She's not your friend, she's not family. She is simply an employee, things have changed, and you've decided to go a different path with your childcare. Stop feeling guilty about that. Based on her past behavior, I don't think it matters how you handle it. I expect she'll be pissed off. But if you're ever going to find peace and move on, you have to let this chapter go as well.

Let her watch them, as usual, these next few weeks. Then on the Friday, let her know that it isn't working out and you've decided to find another sitter. She will react, but her reaction is her business. It doesn't have to affect your decision. If she pulls IRS crap, deal with it then. You have no power over that. And it may not happen, so why worry now?

pattyG

Thank you all for your advice and thank you to my HP as well. This morning I told my sitter M that my old friend D had met my axgf at her friend's house, another A who lent her the money for a lawyer. This had happened a few weeks ago but D and I were both on match.com and had started talking. I let her know about the ex and her friend, and we had agreed not to mention that we had talked. I found out Sun that they had met and was kind of surprised my old friend hadnt mentioned it. Anyway, I told M this am about it. This afternoon, the alcoholic friend is sending me crazy texts saying I sent a spy to her house, etc. Basically my sitter told the ex that D and I were talking and the ex called her friend and told her! I was so upset. I called the sitter asked her what she said, at first she lied and said nothing but I went on to tell her I was getting harrassing texts and the ONLY way she would know is thru her. Then she minimized her involvement. I told her this was a huge conflict of interest and to take the rest of the week off, I needed to think about it. Of course now I am scrambling to find help but it feels good to know MY BUSINESS is MIne and not my ex's.

redatlanta

Get rid of her a**. She is about as toxic as your ex.

Recovering2

Good for you. She's out....don't let her back in. Forward progress.....

KRA

Fire her. Deal with the IRS if or when she reports you to them.

You have a lot of toxic people in your life right now.