CompletelyLost4

I am new to the site, but have read many posts and need some advice. My husband and I have been married 13 years and have 4 boys. He has always been an alcoholic, but over the past 2 years it has been drastically worse. I know you all can relate to the marathon argument fests, promises to change, etc. but it has had the most impact on my two oldest sons. When my husband is drunk, he calls them horrible names and says things that are inappropriate for young ears. He does absolutely nothing around our house, so the see their mother mow, repair the house, etc while their dad sleeps. No respect for him. My husband travels for his job, which is probably why we've lasted this long, and when he is gone the atmosphere at home is completely different. We spend time as a family. As soon as he comes home, my oldest can't sleep at night, and everyone retreats to their rooms to avoid the chaos.

Last week, I finally had enough and moved his things to my in-laws with the ultimatum that he cannot return until the alcohol is completely gone. My in-laws are amazingly supportive, which is great. My husband's only concern, because he doesn't think he affects any of us, is if he went to detox if he could move back. I held my ground, and he went to rehab yesterday. Big step and I am thankful, but my in-laws and my husband think that after 7-10 days he should just move right back in. Is it wrong of me to want to give this time? I want to make sure this is the real deal, and that he is committed for the boys' sake. Not to mention that he needs to rebuild trust with the kids and I. Am I completely nuts, here?

Thank you for listening.

luv2teachkids

You are not nuts. I think you are setting some good boundaries for yourself and your kids. I am new to this too, so I am sure others will give more feedback.

I relate to your story regarding how the home is totally different when you are alone with your boys. My home is the same without my AH. As soon as he is home and drunk, my kids disappear upstairs to their PS3, tvs, and games.

neferkamichael

CompletelyLost, Is it wrong of me to want to give this time? No absolutey not. Tell him he can't move back in until he's been sober for a year or so. Calling his sons horrible names, make it 2 years. Just please be very careful around him. Rootin for all of ya.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for sharing some of your story. I know how an alcoholic husband can affect the entire household.

You did good in putting your actions behind your words. Your sons, husband, and in-laws understand that your words match your actions. Good on you!

Your husband, and in-laws believe he has met the requirement of getting sober. However, when he leaves the protection of a controlled environment ~ he may go right back to drinking. The real test is when he has to face life on life's terms outside of rehab. Will he be able to apply the tools he learned in rehab to maintain sobriety when he leaves?

It's okay to say you need more time for yourself. Your life is important. You happiness matters. Your children's happiness matters.

I support you in taking as much time as you need before making important decisions.

CompletelyLost4

Thanks for the encouragement! I just feel so torn. I know it is just guilt, and I know I have to think of myself and the boys, but in the back of my mind I have about a million "what-ifs".
What if he relapses and blames it on my refusal to let him move back in? What if my in-laws are angry with my decision? What if he comes out of rehab angry at me for this whole situation? The list goes on. The thing is, I simply don't know if I ever want him to come back. We have family counseling through his rehab center on Saturday, and I am anxious to see how it goes.

PippiLngstockng

Trust your gut. Don't let your in-laws or anyone else convince you to rush this. They aren't the ones who have been through this with your boys. They probably don't want to deal with him in their home, either. They don't have your best interests in mind necessarily. Only you can know what is best for you and your boys.

The first time I was in court because of my AH's drinking and abuse, that was in 2008. The neighbors, my in-laws, my husband, my children all put pressure on me to take him back asap. They felt sorry for him!!! He cried like a baby after his night in jail. He didn't feel badly about me at all. No one seemed to.

Then maybe he stopped drinking for a couple of years. But then it started up again and got worse. It is progressive. The next round of binging and abuse was just unbelievable. Now everyone still says poor AH, how could that woman be such a witch? My in-laws are up in arms against me, my neighbors want me in mediation with him, women are rushing to console him because what a great, underappreciated catch he is.

You have to do what is in your best interest. Every day of your life is precious. And the sooner you protect your boys, the better. My life started with my father calling me horrible names. I still can't thoroughly shake it off. The more you hear a thing, the more it sinks in and becomes a part of you.

You don't have to let him back in.

Trying_in_Texas

God bless you. It is so hard living with or without an alcoholic. No easy answers, but to take care of you and your sons. I hope he sees the light.

BoxinRotz

I'd make him stay where he is at until he says, I want to sober up for MYSELF!

Until he utters those words, he's full of it! When my husband says he wants to sober up, the last thing I want to hear out of his trap is, I want to sober up for you Baby! There is no recovery if they can't do it for themselves!

oneday66

someone posted a year or two.. thats smart if u can do it
when my AH got sober I let him move back in..
after the honeymoon period it was a nightmare
he was in recovery.. and feeling things he repressed for 20 years with alcohol and drugs..
he was a big raw nerve and i seemed to irritate him all the time..

of course he blamed the relapse on me..
i refused to accept that blame.. i understand now his addiction is like a freight train.. thats been on this track decades before he knew me.. i dont have the power to stop or really affect it..

he's in recovery again and I didnt help this time.. he says its better that way because before he was doing it for me... we are also living in seperate states...i will never live with an active addict or one in early recovery... if he cintinues with recovery there may be a chance for us.. but i dont live on hope hanymore.. i live on everyday happiness and a life that doesnt revolve around him and his illness.. took a long time to get here

redatlanta

No I wouldn't let him move back in. His "recovery" is just beginning. I say it in quotes because I am not sure he went because he wants it for himself, or he went to appease his parents and you and to move back in.

For someone who has "always been an alcoholic" 7 - 10 days is simply detox. The hard work is after he gets out. I would need to see at a minimum 6 months of active recovery.

CompletelyLost4

Oh, you all make me feel SANE!

All weekend before AH entered detox, the calls were constantly "let me come home", "don't make me sleep somewhere else", "I'll go on Monday if I can come home today." He called and asked to see the boys. I said he could see them, he walks in right past them and goes directly into the kitchen to argue for 45 minutes over why he should come back. The morning he entered detox it was the same thing - all he wanted to know was if he could move back in when he was done. It's like he is more worried about where he is going to sleep rather than getting better and making a commitment to his family. And THEN, after my father-in-law takes my AH to detox, he calls and says, "You know, I don't know if I completely agree with you not letting him back in. I mean, he's doing an awful lot for you." Wait a minute. . . my AH who has gotten drunk daily since he was 14 suddenly decides at 40 to seek treatment after isolating his family, breaking down is children's self-worth to nothing, putting me through hell for 13 years, and HE is suddenly the hero for manning up and doing what he should have done 26 years ago

AnvilheadII

he's being a manipulative self centered jackass. and terrorizes his own children. gonna take a LOT more than detox to fix that.

you and your sweet boys deserve so much better. a safe sane sober environment. I second Michael, one year at least of complete unbroken sobriety and another for treating his children in such a despicable manner.

dandylion

Dear Completelylost---You are correct---it takes more than a few day in detox to be on the path to recovery.

D0 NOT LISTEN TO YOUR INLAWS!! They are ignorant of this disease. They want you to continue to shoulder this responsibility. Actually, if they take him in---they m ight find o ut what y ou are talking about! Idea??

It will take him 1-2years of working an ACTIVE program (AA) for him to even have a chance of remaining sober. You might ask and alcohol counselor or a longtimer i n AA just what working a program entails---I'm telling you it is a lot. It is not just gaing to an AA meeting once a week and not drinking.

Hang on to alanon, and keep posting here---there is sooo much for you to learn.

sincerely, dandylion

****Your boys have suffered enough! They don't deserve this. They will carry to damage into their adult lives. By the way, you might consider alateen for them.

FireSprite

Quack, quack, quack.

He'll go to rehab IF he gets to come home? Since when did honestly seeking recovery for yourself involve ultimatums to your injured spouse?

He's doing this FOR YOU? Then you can likely expect a relapse because if it all comes down to YOU, YOU will eventually, unknowingly, trigger something off that "MAKES" him drink again. (In his way of justifying things.) You can't listen to your in laws if they aren't educated on alcoholism, they won't be able to provide anything except an opinion based on emotion.

Quack, quack, quack.

I don't blame you for standing strong & I agree that a year sounds like a reasonable starting point considering the damage control you have ahead of you. ((((HUGS)))) to you & your boys, you all deserve better!

Carol Star

My therapist's recommendation was he does 90 meetings in 90 days and then we would talk.

stella27

My XAH has never been to rehab (or admitted a drinking/drug problem) but he has been hospitalized for bipolar mania.

My IL's always paid for him and always picked him up and always acted like I was unreasonable when I insisted that visits be supervised until my children's counselor agreed otherwise.

When the chips are down, the IL's will be on his side. They are HIS parents and you and the children will come second unless they are highly educated on the disease and extraordinary individuals.

You won't be able to count on them when he gets out. Be ready for that.

CompletelyLost4

That is what I'm preparing myself for. My IL's have taken care of my AH and covered for him for years. They even bailed him out when he would get into financial trouble. They hate the drinking, hate what he has done, say they're sick of his attitude, told me they knew eventually I would have enough, but on the other hand - they certainly didn't want him staying there when I moved him out! My AH is smooth. Knows how to work the system - a real charmer, and unfortunately related to practically everyone in the county. lol I know I am going to end up being the witch in all this. I figure people are gonna talk one way or another - and those who know me and the situation will know he's full of crap.

atalose

You sound like you are open minded and well aware of what may be ahead with his parents and their enabling. You have to look out for you and your children first and for most just as they will look out for their “child”.

I personally would much rather be the “witch” flying high and away from the alcoholic storm then sweeping up all the peaces.

Ellvk

Oh my, the in laws.... I remember when AH was in inpatient, my MIL would check on my alanon attendance.... bc she was afraid that if I didn't change the way I acted, he might relapse. Her poor baby boy. Ick. It was awful. He did relapse, BTW.... 2 months inpatient
treatment, 3 months sober after that.... Now has benn actively drinking again for almost a year.... All this DESPITE my regular attendance at alanon. Go figure.

Take care, and listen to yourself.
L.

SoberKnitter

I don't quite get that he not only has to quit, but to have a motivation that is deemed acceptable (doing it for himself). I know a lot of drunks who have been issued the booze or family ultimatum, chose their families and life went on fine. They weren't quitting for themselves at all; they just made the decision that they valued their family more than getting drunk every day.

If no drunk could quit without the outside motivation of preventing loss of some kind (family, job, health, dignity, reputation, freedom, driver's license etc.), then I don't think anyone would ever quit. Everyone has their reasons, and if saving a marriage is a reason, then for the life of me I can't find a problem with that.