bailey17

After me and axbf broke up I did a lot of work on myself. Went to alanon, read the codependency books, therapy, diet/exercise. It's been a year, and I want to start dating again. But every time I go out with a guy I am anxious, distrusting, analyzing every word he says. And I can't do it.

I'm just gonna say this, I gotta get it off my chest. This sucks, I mean it really does. I'm lonely, I'm broke, I have very few friends, I'm in therapy, i'm on antidepressants, I'm in grad school, I'm 27 all of my friends are getting married and I'm starting over. All because I chose to stay in a relationship with an unhealthy, abusive, alcoholic.

I know I'm having a pity party, I know. And believe me I'm so so grateful for what I do have. I think the hardest part for me right now is the loneliness. Sure, things have gotten significantly better. But it's still so so hard. Once I finally got through the fantasy portion of wanting him to miraculously change and come back, I feel like I'm standing in the middle of destruction trying to work my way out.

All these things I never was before I met him: anxious, paranoid, low self confidence, distrusting.... It's not me. I'm trying so desperately to get back to the me from 5 years ago and it's so incredibly hard. I'm trying to do the right thing and heal myself but I didn't know it would be like this. Most days are good, just lately it's really been a struggle

I really needed to vent. I'm so sorry if I sound like I'm ungrateful and having a pity party, I just need some words of encouragement and support right now. Thank you for reading this.

Pelican

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. I hope this is temporary and passes soon.

Does your Alanon group have social gatherings?

Did you get involved with a sponsor or other members in your group?

I ask because those are steps that may help you find others looking for a new circle of friends. Others who have similar backgrounds of alcoholic relationships.

You have a lot going on with Grad School. Congrats on the motivation to further your education! That's awesome.

DreamsofSerenity

I throw pity parties from time to time myself. I appreciate your honesty.

And I also feel lonely. What helps is to surround myself with people no matter what the activity is: a class, a volunteer job, visiting my grandmother.

Maybe you aren't quite ready to date? Maybe you should just concentrate on making more friends, or just getting out more... Do you exercise?

You are YOUNG, and this will pass...We are here for you.

Hugs.

DreamsofSerenity

Just saw you do exercise.. How about a walking or running group? Or some kind of mediation or yoga class? I go to yoga a lot and I have found that even if I don't talk to anyone in the class, I feel less lonely.

DaddyWolf

Hi baily17,

I know it sux to be lonely. I really do...

You post quite a few items that are upsetting you. Maybe you should prioritize the items .... easiest to-fix items first. That way you can attend to those items first and build up some self esteem..?

Hugs to you.

Tuffgirl

Ok, so you are lonely. How do you fix that? Go find something to do! Volunteer. Join groups via meetup.com (very active in my area!). Take a class at your local community college. Sign up for online dating. Learn a new sport. You may find yourself so busy you have to prioritize your activities.

Thing is, bailey, loneliness has an easy cure. Alcoholism does not. So in this sense, you are way ahead of where your ex is, and maybe never be.

I too am broke, but I have enough to buy the gas to get me to meetup events, volunteer activities, and the occasional date! I've met some really cool and interesting people, too! I am actually having a really good time right now. But I am making it happen; every day when I take that totally nerve racking first step toward something new. It isn't easy - trust me - but I make myself do it. And each experience has been awesome, even in just the pride of doing it! Stepping outside myself and my own barriers. Challenging myself. Expanding my circle of acquaintances.

As Mark Twain says, 20 years from now you won't regret the things you did, only the things you didn't do.

So go have adventures. Your life is waiting!
Peace,
~T

LifeRecovery

My view of reading this is kind of different.

You are getting a leg up on knowing you....thus when you do meet a person you are ready for an open, honest relationship.

Also it is okay if you are not ready to date, and asking for help with counseling to me is a sign of health....not dis-ease.

my3sonsnme

bailey17 I really feel for you...Its lonely and hard work to get over something like what you are dealing with. Most people don't understand, its easier to sit and wallow. I know, I did it for a long time and still do it from time to time. Those times get fewer and farther between and then one day you realize your going to make it ....life may not be the fantasy you had in your head but its not so bad after all.

I was your age when I met my A. Im so glad you did not waste 20 plus years of your life the way some of us have before you got out. If I could go back I would run so fast and far ....

I know its hard, and overwhelming but your doing some positive things...your gonna make it.

keep your head up and try not to look back...that's where the destruction is...ahead is just sunshine and clarity

Patsy22

I know exactly how you feel. I am lonely and angry that by sticking with my partner (now dead from alcohol) that I have lost my chance of a happy ever after. I lost my job because he turned up drunk at my office one time too many, I'm broke, frankly I'm struggling. His family turned their backs on me from their guilt for not helping him until it was too late. Hey, I didn't even get to go to his funeral. It's not yet 3 months and I thought I was doing well, yoga, meditation, choir (you should try that, singing is very uplifting), volunteer work, cooking for friends. But it's still when I walk in the door alone that it hits me again and for the last few days I've been crying constantly and feel like I've gone back so many steps. It's ok to have a pity party once in a while. You've gone through so much and it's difficult to recognise and acknowledge you were responsible for how things have turned out for you due to your (wrong?) choices. It's a brave thing to do and for me even though I know I should have left him years ago (he was abusive often as well when drinking) even though things have turned out this way for me I would make the same mistake again.

bailey17

thank you everyone... I feel much better today. I am especially grateful to know that others can relate. Thank you to DaddyWolf-- prioritizing is a great idea- for me, i can accomplish more that way, rather than feeling like I have to solve all of my problems at once.


And thank you to TuffGirl- you are right, loneliness is much easier to cure than alcoholism. I NEVER thought of it that way!

Thank you to everyone- I was really hurting last night, and posting here made me feel better. All of your suggestions are very helpful and I will continue working on myself, with a bit more hope this time

Recovering2

Be gentle with yourself. You're doing the work. Counseling, exercise, reading, AlAnon. On top of that, you're in grad school. All great positive things. When you're 27, a year is a long time. But in the whole of your life, a year is a blip on the radar screen. If you're not ready to date, you're not ready to date. Nothing wrong with that. Don't compare yourself to others. There is no "rule" that says you must be married by any certain age. Be grateful for your health, for your education opportunities, and for gaining the wisdom at a young age to decide what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in your life. It took some of us waaaaaay longer than it took you to figure that out!

I don't even know you, but I read your post and I'm proud of you! Progress....not Perfection.