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Just got off the phone with him and want to drink

Old 03-25-2013, 09:04 AM
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Just got off the phone with him and want to drink

When I think of going home tonight, I think of drinking. He is angry with me. I came home Friday night and he had had two gin and tonics, and I was a little bit upset with him about it. Later he got angry with me and had two more. He wanted to leave and I begged him not to because I didn't want him to drive drunk. I put my arms around his legs and begged him to stay home. My 14 year old heard everything. Just now on the phone he said it was a "horrendous weekend" with me because he played badly at his 6 AM tennis match the following morning (Saturday). He blames me because he had four drinks Friday night and played badly. I said, "You were drinking before I even got home." He hung up on me. Last night I drank an entire bottle of wine b/c he was so cold and distant to me all weekend.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:08 AM
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Hi hopeBegins. I am sorry that you are experiencing this right now. You are not the reason for his bad tennis match. His drinking is his to own, and your drinking is yours. I hope that the two of you can work things out. Coming here and getting honest is a great step.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by HopeBegins View Post
When I think of going home tonight, I think of drinking. He is angry with me. I came home Friday night and he had had two gin and tonics, and I was a little bit upset with him about it. Later he got angry with me and had two more. He wanted to leave and I begged him not to because I didn't want him to drive drunk. I put my arms around his legs and begged him to stay home. My 14 year old heard everything. Just now on the phone he said it was a "horrendous weekend" with me because he played badly at his 6 AM tennis match the following morning (Saturday). He blames me because he had four drinks Friday night and played badly. I said, "You were drinking before I even got home." He hung up on me. Last night I drank an entire bottle of wine b/c he was so cold and distant to me all weekend.

Is your 14 year old also his 14 year old?


Sounds like there are some problems here that its probably best if you don't drink while trying to evaluate them.

So lets hold off on that bottle of wine (or whatever you're wanting to drink), at least for right now, we can always revisit it later.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:10 AM
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It is my 14 year old son.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Mizzuno View Post
Hi hopeBegins. I am sorry that you are experiencing this right now. You are not the reason for his bad tennis match. His drinking is his to own, and your drinking is yours. I hope that the two of you can work things out. Coming here and getting honest is a great step.
It's also possible that he may just be bad at tennis...
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:13 AM
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How can I not let his view of me affect my own self worth?

I used to be a good athlete, competed every other weekend. Now I drink and try to make him happy. He made the decision to be with me, but now he resents it. He says he has the right to drink on a Friday night but I am so uncomfortable with his drinking. Then he says I ruined his tennis AND his NCAA watching. I hate going home b/c I feel so terrible there. But my kids are there. He says they ignore me too because I ruin things for them, too.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:18 AM
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Originally Posted by HopeBegins View Post
Last night I drank an entire bottle of wine b/c he was so cold and distant to me all weekend.
I don't mean to sound preachy or judgemental, but I think you have to watch how you blame others for your drinking. I understand that the way others treat you can really push your drinking buttons, but ultimately the decision to pick up or not pick up the bottle is up to YOU.

That can be frustrating to hear, but it can also be empowering. You can choose to remain sober in spite of what anyone else says or does to you.

Here's to trying again!
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by HopeBegins View Post
How can I not let his view of me affect my own self worth?

I used to be a good athlete, competed every other weekend. Now I drink and try to make him happy. He made the decision to be with me, but now he resents it. He says he has the right to drink on a Friday night but I am so uncomfortable with his drinking. Then he says I ruined his tennis AND his NCAA watching. I hate going home b/c I feel so terrible there. But my kids are there. He says they ignore me too because I ruin things for them, too.
The best thing that you can do in this situation, is to seek out help for yourself. You are doing that here. Not drinking will help you to see things more clearly in your relationship, that seems very fragile IMO. No one can make us play bad, or drink heavily, or do anything that we dont want to do. This person sounds like he is blaming, and there is no reason for that.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted by HopeBegins View Post
How can I not let his view of me affect my own self worth?

I used to be a good athlete, competed every other weekend. Now I drink and try to make him happy. He made the decision to be with me, but now he resents it. He says he has the right to drink on a Friday night but I am so uncomfortable with his drinking. Then he says I ruined his tennis AND his NCAA watching. I hate going home b/c I feel so terrible there. But my kids are there. He says they ignore me too because I ruin things for them, too.

I can relate to both sides of this, I've been the jack@ss boyfriend, and I've been the one who hates going home.

Do you have any connections here, kids with him? etc... because you may have to draw a line in the sand on this one. If you're being a bad mother to be a good girlfriend/wife, or not taking care of yourself in order to care for someone who is cold and resentful to you, then you've got your priorities askew. Which, fortunately, it isn't too late to correct this...

Odds are he doesn't really resent being with you, he probably is despressed/frustrated by something, and is taking it out on you. *i know i've done this quite a few times* add liquor to that mix, and its just going to lead to tears. But remember, you're both adults, time to start acting like it... and Adults don't hang up on people because they had a bad tennis game.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:21 AM
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Dear Hope,

your situation sounds complicated. Are you here on SR because you are worried about your drinking, or your partners?

In my very humble opinion please take care of your children and yourself first.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by MeSoSober View Post
I don't mean to sound preachy or judgemental, but I think you have to watch how you blame others for your drinking. I understand that the way others treat you can really push your drinking buttons, but ultimately the decision to pick up or not pick up the bottle is up to YOU.

That can be frustrating to hear, but it can also be empowering. You can choose to remain sober in spite of what anyone else says or does to you.

Here's to trying again!
I never realized until I read this, that I blame others for me drinking all the time. I mean, I know its ultimately MY choice to drink, but I give into the temptation very easily when someone has pushed my "drinking buttons". Blaming them, but really just using them as an excuse to do what I love to do, Drink myself into oblivion.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:27 AM
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I am worried about both, but most worried about my own. Prior to this relationship I was in an unhappy marriage but I rarely drank. I am an ACOA, and my ex was a very predictable, stable sort. He didn't drink. I was attracted to him b/c he was so predictable. But we had no connection. Now I am with someone with whom I do have a better overall relationship, but he drinks socially and I started drinking with him. I realize that my life, my kids and my job have to come first and that I cannot take the blame for when things in my fiancee's life go wrong. And that I can choose to NOT drink when I feel bad, but rather, try to do something good for myself. My kids are teens and really don't want a lot to do with me, but when they are home I want peace and serenity for them.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:29 AM
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It's not clear if you or him have the drinking problem

Purely from a relationship level it's not about blame. I was in a very similar relationship with a man who was charm itself but so controlling. If there is no respect there is no point being together. I tried so hard to make him happy but was not happy with or within myself. It was very imbalanced and he was resentful and very much in control. Sound familiar? Put yourself and your children first. You can't control anything that he says or does but you can control what you do,what you are prepared to put up with and how you react to him. your son watching this will grow up thinking men can treat women with such disdain and no respect and women demean themselves. A relationship should be equal. When my relationship ended I regained self respect and learned to love and value myself. You'll probably find yourself respect comes back when he goes.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:30 AM
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Recently my fiancee's grown son said to me, "You're a good influence on him, without the wine." He says he meant that I have been a good influence on his father and have generally reduced his father's drinking, which he is happy about, except when I drink myself.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by HopeBegins View Post
I am worried about both, but most worried about my own. Prior to this relationship I was in an unhappy marriage but I rarely drank. I am an ACOA, and my ex was a very predictable, stable sort. He didn't drink. I was attracted to him b/c he was so predictable. But we had no connection. Now I am with someone with whom I do have a better overall relationship, but he drinks socially and I started drinking with him. I realize that my life, my kids and my job have to come first and that I cannot take the blame for when things in my fiancee's life go wrong. And that I can choose to NOT drink when I feel bad, but rather, try to do something good for myself. My kids are teens and really don't want a lot to do with me, but when they are home I want peace and serenity for them.
What TEEN wants to be with their parents? Teen life is a complicated mess of friends, and friends, and girlfriends/boyfriends, hormones.....I wouldnt want to be a teenager again. Yes, you and your children come first. Your career is a part of that also. Your children do deserve peace, you also deserve peace.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:33 AM
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My fiancee likes to drink socially and likes to drink one or two nights a week. He feels he is entitled to drink on a Friday night. He does not hide his drinking. I have found myself secretly buying a bottle of wine to deal with the stresses of the situation. He IS very charming and my life has been much more interesting with him. He moved into my home and has been a good partner in many ways. However when he is unhappy he tends to blame me. I am concerned about my drinking because I have been secretive about it, and I will often substitute drinking in place of working out to feel better. That was never me before.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:35 AM
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My fiancee thinks my sons not wanting to do anything with us is very negative. I try to explain that they are teens and they don't want to go fishing or to the movies with parents. He says "I'm not hanging around all weekend just because (my 14 year old) has a soccer game." He doesn't want to be "stuck at home" on the weekends I need to be home with my kids I alternate weekends with my ex. I do understand in terms of the kids being teens and they don't do anything with us anyway, but I am a parent and I do need to be around even if my teens are out and about.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by HopeBegins View Post
Recently my fiancee's grown son said to me, "You're a good influence on him, without the wine." He says he meant that I have been a good influence on his father and have generally reduced his father's drinking, which he is happy about, except when I drink myself.
This is going to be a bit of a process for you. You have alot more going on here than just a drinking problem. You might do well to visit a doctor, or a counsiler, or a combination of the two, like a psychiatrist (sp?) ...
It sounds like he has a bit of a history, and kids are involved, and you're engaged.... yeah, alot going on here and getting married isn't going to "fix it" this needs to get fixed before we bring a legally binding marriage contract into this.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Mizzuno View Post
What TEEN wants to be with their parents? Teen life is a complicated mess of friends, and friends, and girlfriends/boyfriends, hormones.....I wouldnt want to be a teenager again. Yes, you and your children come first. Your career is a part of that also. Your children do deserve peace, you also deserve peace.
Also it really sucks to be a teenager with Alcoholic parents... I was one... It's aweful...

Don't want to bring friends over, because you don't know if your parents are going to be embarassing... or mean.... or creepy...

ugh... its aweful
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:40 AM
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hopebegins, I can relate drinking instead of exercising.....that was never me either, I have always been very athletic but I've been sliding down a slippery slope the last couple of years...
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