Whats wrong with me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Inverness, Nova Scotia
Posts: 2
Whats wrong with me?
I am new here....I don't know where to start. But I need help. I am a 39 year old mother of 4, married to my A for 22 years. Times have been rough, but he is trying now...trying hard. But it seems like he is only focused on himself. He is happy, keeps busy all the time doing things he likes to do , but he doesn't seem to notice my needs and feelings, nor the ones the kids have. My husband is not one who I can talk to about anything, never has and as much as I have tried, I don't think he ever will be. If he has something on his mind, he can speak it, but doesn't want to hear anything that's on my mind.If I voice my opinions on anything or try to tell him my feelings, he blows up and becomes defensive towards me.So, Like when he was drinking, I hold things inside as to not upset him, but it is eating me up inside.It has started to affect me physically as well as mentally now. I married him at the age of 17, was already a mom and we had 3 more boys by the time i was 22. He was abusive towards me mentally and physically. I pretty much had to raise our kids alone and when he was here, I lived in fear continously.....never knowing when he would get drunk and when he did, what was going to happen. 6 months ago, he was taking( abusing) valium and other pills as well as drinking.....so much happened that day...he ended up in jail not remembering a thing about the day or night before. He signed himself into a detox for the first time which was wonderful. He didn't remember smashing the house up or putting the car off the road or even remember becoming violent and almost killing me. This is a typically normal "day after" for me. He is the lucky one who doesn't have to remember or feel the pain and heartaches that come with it. I came to the conclusion that " no matter how much I loved him, I would rather live without him than to continue to live the way I have been." I decided to leave him but then I saw how hard he was trying while in the detox center, to change and get help. I decided that I had tried to help him for so many years, I couldn't leave him when he needed me the most ...when he was actually trying for the first time. I decided to let him come back home. Things were rough for the first while, but he is doing so much better now. I just can't seem to think about myself now. I feel like there is and was so much missing in my life and that he should be trying to make some sort of amends with me and the kids ( who are aged 17-23) , he thinks that just by being sober should be enough! Am I wrong feeling that it just isn't?! I feel so lonely and sad all the time. I feel my life situations have made me into the person I am today and not the person I really am, and I am not too sure about that anymore. I don't seem to know how I feel, who I am, what I want, what should be and what shouldn't be. I have tried to speak with a councellor, but there is only one where i live and she really only deals with alcoholics, not their families. There no alanon where I live, I have no family and no friends I can talk to. I am constantly fighting with myself everyday to "figure everything out" I truely support him in all his efforts and I do anything I can to make his recovery easier for him, but I seem to feel like I should be able to recover too!!!! Am I wrong in feeling this way? Should I still keep putting his needs first? Should i start demanding some of my needs be met? Or would that be too selfish? I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I feel so miserable these days. I thought when he would quit drinking, things would be ok for us....HA boy was I wrong!! can someone please tell me if I am being selfish by trying to put some of my needs first..I just can't help feeling like I have always put everyone elses needs first and it's time to take care of my own. Am I wrong??? What SHOULD I do? I just want to do whats right for everyone!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi Hopeful,
I'm glad you joined us. You aren't being selfish at all by wanting to put your needs first. That is a good thing and a healthy way to live.
Having an alcoholic husband and four children tends to make a woman forget that she even has needs sometimes.
Have you thought about attending Alanon meetings? They are a great way to meet people who are going through similar things that you're going through.
What do you like to do? What lights you up? Have you done any of those things lately? Even something as silly and frivolous as going and getting your hair done can really re-charge your spiritual batteries.
Try to make some time each day for you. I know that's a tall order when you have four children, but even a half-hour that is spent doing something you really enjoy can light up your life.
There are a lot of people here who care and who understand what you're going through. Stick around.
Hugs,
Gabe
I'm glad you joined us. You aren't being selfish at all by wanting to put your needs first. That is a good thing and a healthy way to live.
Having an alcoholic husband and four children tends to make a woman forget that she even has needs sometimes.
Have you thought about attending Alanon meetings? They are a great way to meet people who are going through similar things that you're going through.
What do you like to do? What lights you up? Have you done any of those things lately? Even something as silly and frivolous as going and getting your hair done can really re-charge your spiritual batteries.
Try to make some time each day for you. I know that's a tall order when you have four children, but even a half-hour that is spent doing something you really enjoy can light up your life.
There are a lot of people here who care and who understand what you're going through. Stick around.
Hugs,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 29
Re: Whats wrong with me?
Dear Hopeful, Since there is no al-anon where you live, and no one you can talk too, keep coming back to this website and talk to us. It's helped me enormously! I read some of these posts and think well, my gosh, that's my life! I can certainly understand your feelings. We are so busy taking care of everything we are suppose to take care of, we forget to take care of ourselves. I'm not sure who I am either, but day by day, I'm learning. Try to take a little of your concentration off him and direct it onto yourself. Yesterday, I wrote a post because I needed a little kindness in my life, and one person wrote back and said 'forget about the drunk', which really made me laugh, feel better and put things into perspective. Just so you know you're not alone, OK? Hugs.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Re: Whats wrong with me?
Hi Hopefulagain,
When Jack went into rehab, he walked around the house like a zombie for about 4 months. I was so alone and waiting for our marriage to magically heal. What I didn't realize was that I was looking for him to magically heal me, which was impossible, since he was still trying to figure out how to live his life clean, plus, well, he's not God. So, after some more time had passed and I was no better, I found al-anon and learned that he would never be able to meet my needs, clean or not. I am the only one who can do that. That's when my recovery started - when I stopped focusing on Jack and looking for him to fix me, and I started focusing on me and fixing myself.
Keep coming here and check out the power posts at the top of the forum. There's plenty of reading material to get you started and books to check out.
Take care,
JG
When Jack went into rehab, he walked around the house like a zombie for about 4 months. I was so alone and waiting for our marriage to magically heal. What I didn't realize was that I was looking for him to magically heal me, which was impossible, since he was still trying to figure out how to live his life clean, plus, well, he's not God. So, after some more time had passed and I was no better, I found al-anon and learned that he would never be able to meet my needs, clean or not. I am the only one who can do that. That's when my recovery started - when I stopped focusing on Jack and looking for him to fix me, and I started focusing on me and fixing myself.
Keep coming here and check out the power posts at the top of the forum. There's plenty of reading material to get you started and books to check out.
Take care,
JG
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 23
Re: Whats wrong with me?
Hi Hopeful,
I'm new here too, but I'm sure there's nothing wrong with. As a matter of fact, there's a whole lot right with you if you've stuck around all this time with all that's happened in your life. You're a pretty strong woman and your husband is a lucky man.
It's really important that you understand that his job right now is to concentrate on his recovery. By the same token, your job is to concentrate on your recovery. It's not selfish to do what you need to do to get better. The only way you can offer him and your kids a better life is for you to be well. Let him worry about his recovery program. That's not to say you can't help him. Just remember to put YOU first. Do the things you need to do to make your life better for YOU. That's what's right for everybody! What will follow is a better you and a better family. Also, these things don't happen overnight. One step (and day) at a time. Some day there will be amends, just not now. You are certainly justified in feeling the way you do. This is a great place to voice your feelings. But you are right. It's time to take care of your own needs! Hope this helps.
I'm new here too, but I'm sure there's nothing wrong with. As a matter of fact, there's a whole lot right with you if you've stuck around all this time with all that's happened in your life. You're a pretty strong woman and your husband is a lucky man.
It's really important that you understand that his job right now is to concentrate on his recovery. By the same token, your job is to concentrate on your recovery. It's not selfish to do what you need to do to get better. The only way you can offer him and your kids a better life is for you to be well. Let him worry about his recovery program. That's not to say you can't help him. Just remember to put YOU first. Do the things you need to do to make your life better for YOU. That's what's right for everybody! What will follow is a better you and a better family. Also, these things don't happen overnight. One step (and day) at a time. Some day there will be amends, just not now. You are certainly justified in feeling the way you do. This is a great place to voice your feelings. But you are right. It's time to take care of your own needs! Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: close to the FLAMES!!
Posts: 129
Re: Whats wrong with me?
Welcome, Hopeful!
There is nothing wrong with wanting to take care of your own needs. When we live with an active alcoholic, have 4 kids (I do too!), its easy to forget that we too have needs. There is nothing wrong with that. I know with me that I kept hearing about how I needed to start with self love, figured I did love myself too, but figured I would try and "show" myself that I loved me. I started buying myself little things (eye makeup, a pair of new jeans,etc.) and I started making time for a bubble bath, a walk, and of course time to sit on the computer to read and post here and go to meetings. These are some of the things I started with, and it worked- I began to realize that I needed some tlc, I needed to find out ways to make myself happy rather than thinking that he had to find a way to make me happy after everything he'd put me through with his drinking. Just try the little things and work from there. I felt guilty at first, since everyone needed something from me and I was so used to thinking about what my h needed or what my kids needed. But, as I have figured out, part of what I've lost is my self worth through all the years of living with other people's addictions.
"It starts with me" is my favorite Alanon saying.
Take care
SFG29
There is nothing wrong with wanting to take care of your own needs. When we live with an active alcoholic, have 4 kids (I do too!), its easy to forget that we too have needs. There is nothing wrong with that. I know with me that I kept hearing about how I needed to start with self love, figured I did love myself too, but figured I would try and "show" myself that I loved me. I started buying myself little things (eye makeup, a pair of new jeans,etc.) and I started making time for a bubble bath, a walk, and of course time to sit on the computer to read and post here and go to meetings. These are some of the things I started with, and it worked- I began to realize that I needed some tlc, I needed to find out ways to make myself happy rather than thinking that he had to find a way to make me happy after everything he'd put me through with his drinking. Just try the little things and work from there. I felt guilty at first, since everyone needed something from me and I was so used to thinking about what my h needed or what my kids needed. But, as I have figured out, part of what I've lost is my self worth through all the years of living with other people's addictions.
"It starts with me" is my favorite Alanon saying.
Take care
SFG29
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: I'm not in Kansas anymore.
Posts: 18
Re: Whats wrong with me?
Dear Hopeful Again,
I won't be saying what everyone else has already said. When my b/f drinks, he is on the roll where everything is me,me,me,me. He feels so bad about his outbursts that I don't hear from him for a couple of days then he sheepishly calls. This is what I do when I don't think he is listening. I write to him. Sometimes it's just a card saying just what it says, sometimes I write in the card, sometimes I write a quick letter and then sometimes it's very long. But every single time, he reads it and we have talked about it. Sometimes he is madder than hops, other times I can tell it made him feel warm and fuzzy. I rarely go into the past because what's done is done. I talk about my feelings present moment or present day. Sometimes I am angry when I write but I can tone it down so he won't feel threatened and shut down. It has gone such a long way with keeping our communication open. I hope you can get what you are looking for with your husband, alcohol or not, 22 years is a long time to be with someone. Take care of yourself.
Mellow
I won't be saying what everyone else has already said. When my b/f drinks, he is on the roll where everything is me,me,me,me. He feels so bad about his outbursts that I don't hear from him for a couple of days then he sheepishly calls. This is what I do when I don't think he is listening. I write to him. Sometimes it's just a card saying just what it says, sometimes I write in the card, sometimes I write a quick letter and then sometimes it's very long. But every single time, he reads it and we have talked about it. Sometimes he is madder than hops, other times I can tell it made him feel warm and fuzzy. I rarely go into the past because what's done is done. I talk about my feelings present moment or present day. Sometimes I am angry when I write but I can tone it down so he won't feel threatened and shut down. It has gone such a long way with keeping our communication open. I hope you can get what you are looking for with your husband, alcohol or not, 22 years is a long time to be with someone. Take care of yourself.
Mellow
Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 10
Re: Whats wrong with me?
Hopefulagain:
-I'm Hopeful too -
So much of what you have shared sounds familiar, but you have gone through it for so much longer. 22 years is a long time to put up with all of that. You must have an enormous amount of strength in you.
I too was ready to go when faced with my A finally quitting drinking. It's only been 2 months for me after 6 years with him and 2 kids, and I know exactly what you are talking about when you say they should have to make amends. I would get some relief from my A acknowledging what he put me through, and almost feel like he needs to do that to know the seriousness of not doing it again. But I feel that A's are extremely selfish people, and while it is easy for him to focus on himself, you are a mother, and a wife, and a nurturer and someone who is used to taking care of people and keeping everything together. I find myself also absorbed with making sure my A's needs are met and that he has all the tools he needs to keep himself sober (as if I could provide that!) and than I resent him because my needs aren't met. I am constantly trying to remind myself that I should be happy that he is sober, and that I don't know what physical and mental things he is going through (as he won't talk about it) but that is also not doing anything to improve our communication. We are in counseling, but only 2 sessions so far, but things are better.
We need to focus on ourselves. Last night while I was mad that he was sitting on the couch all night enjoying the treats I bought him and letting me take care of the kids and clean the house and run to the store for his birthday presents, I should have just stopped and taken the moment I needed, and left the housework and played with the kids or given myself a treat. Instead I stewed and steamed and muttered and hated him, hoping he would get the message from my looks and pots slamming, and sighs. I actually asked him if he could help me out more, and he said sure - you don't mean right now, right? So I replied - no of course not, you're tired - and then found a big mess of his laundry, dirty dishes etc in the living room this morning. Not too proud of my methods for expressing what I am thinking, but I am struggling so much also with who I am now and not real proud of who I have been with him.
Don't think I am being much help here, and not trying to make this be about me. Without a counselor nearby to help or meetings, I guess your best resources would be books and the internet. Do a lot of reading about your own recovery, keep coming here, and don't worry, you can't have it all figured out in 6 months after 22 years of crazy, but I think (and hope) that the fog will lift more and more, and by coming here, and talking out your feelings, and experiencing less and less craziness that you will get to a better place.
Hope you do something really nice for yourself today - you deserve it!
-I'm Hopeful too -
So much of what you have shared sounds familiar, but you have gone through it for so much longer. 22 years is a long time to put up with all of that. You must have an enormous amount of strength in you.
I too was ready to go when faced with my A finally quitting drinking. It's only been 2 months for me after 6 years with him and 2 kids, and I know exactly what you are talking about when you say they should have to make amends. I would get some relief from my A acknowledging what he put me through, and almost feel like he needs to do that to know the seriousness of not doing it again. But I feel that A's are extremely selfish people, and while it is easy for him to focus on himself, you are a mother, and a wife, and a nurturer and someone who is used to taking care of people and keeping everything together. I find myself also absorbed with making sure my A's needs are met and that he has all the tools he needs to keep himself sober (as if I could provide that!) and than I resent him because my needs aren't met. I am constantly trying to remind myself that I should be happy that he is sober, and that I don't know what physical and mental things he is going through (as he won't talk about it) but that is also not doing anything to improve our communication. We are in counseling, but only 2 sessions so far, but things are better.
We need to focus on ourselves. Last night while I was mad that he was sitting on the couch all night enjoying the treats I bought him and letting me take care of the kids and clean the house and run to the store for his birthday presents, I should have just stopped and taken the moment I needed, and left the housework and played with the kids or given myself a treat. Instead I stewed and steamed and muttered and hated him, hoping he would get the message from my looks and pots slamming, and sighs. I actually asked him if he could help me out more, and he said sure - you don't mean right now, right? So I replied - no of course not, you're tired - and then found a big mess of his laundry, dirty dishes etc in the living room this morning. Not too proud of my methods for expressing what I am thinking, but I am struggling so much also with who I am now and not real proud of who I have been with him.
Don't think I am being much help here, and not trying to make this be about me. Without a counselor nearby to help or meetings, I guess your best resources would be books and the internet. Do a lot of reading about your own recovery, keep coming here, and don't worry, you can't have it all figured out in 6 months after 22 years of crazy, but I think (and hope) that the fog will lift more and more, and by coming here, and talking out your feelings, and experiencing less and less craziness that you will get to a better place.
Hope you do something really nice for yourself today - you deserve it!
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Whats wrong with me?
read and learn, read and learn, anything you can about alcoholism and its effects, codependency and al anon. you could find a lot of websites on the net that will help you out a lot. i have printed so many and i keep them in a binder along with a journal. the more i learnt the more i can focus on me. my ah quit drinking for 8 months with no meetings, only willpower, they can not do it alone on willpower, the next drink will be the worse. my ah went out one night while i was on vacation and he did cocaine marijuana and drank till 9 :00 am. thinking i wouldn't find out. how sad. his body and mind wanted the drink, he tried so hard to stay sober for me, but the problem was it was for me not for him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Inverness, Nova Scotia
Posts: 2
Re: Whats wrong with me?
I thank everyone for responding to my post!! It sure is nice to know I have a place to go and people who understand what I am going through. I don't want to make this about me...because it is actually my AH who needs the support. I just can't help feeling like there is something wrong a lot of the time. I used to think that the problem was ME...that I was selfish for thinking of myself and not of his needs...but I guess that comes from years of doing the same. I have always put myself last before everyone elses needs, I guess that is a wife and mom! But now that my kids are almost grown, I feel that there should be some ME time now. That the needs that I have had neglected for so many years should be taken care of. I know it has only been 6 months now, and that really isn't a long time, and I know he is trying very hard. He must have a harder job than I do, I guess I am just so tired from all these years...I have been sick the past year as well, so that doesn't make things any easier! Maybe once I have my surgery and recover, I will be able to put more effort into some TLC time for myself, now that summer is almost here! I just wish he could learn to talk with me. That seems to be the biggest problem. It is almost as though he doesn't want to hear anything negative.... stay in a good mood and everything will be fine.... but it doesn't work that way.He seems to feel that if he is happy, I should be. Like he said to me...."I quit drinking, what more do you want from me?" Oh well...maybe through time and some more AA's, he will start to see whats going on and what needs to happen. I really like the idea of writing to him..... that way he will really understand what I am saying instead of getting defensive when I try to talk to him.
Thanks you all so much for the warm welcome... you have no idea ( maybe you do) how much it helps just to know someone cares enough to write a few words of encouragement. I needed it so much!!! It was a big help today to know I am not alone and people really do understand what I am feeling, even if I didn't express it very well in my first post, I was quit frustrated and maybe really venting that day. Thanks again.
Thanks you all so much for the warm welcome... you have no idea ( maybe you do) how much it helps just to know someone cares enough to write a few words of encouragement. I needed it so much!!! It was a big help today to know I am not alone and people really do understand what I am feeling, even if I didn't express it very well in my first post, I was quit frustrated and maybe really venting that day. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
Re: Whats wrong with me?
we know exactly how you feel. Finding this site, totally restored my perspective of what reality was!!!!! just lately on a post someone said that "recovery" was the recovery of ourselves as people. 22 years? Yes, I suppose it's time to recover you, don't you think? I would guess you are totally worth it! Good luck!
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