sister414

I'm new to this site. Just have a question that I'd like to get some feedback on. I'll try to summarize my situation as quickly as I can. My sister has been an alcoholic for 15+ years. Over that time, I have almost completely distanced myself from her. Several years ago, she went into a treatment program. During that time, she lived with me and my husband. She relapsed very quickly after she moved back home. I was pretty upset and angry because I had tried so hard to help her. It was a very stressful time for me for other reasons, and I completely exhausted myself driving her back and forth from treatment every day. More recently, she decided for herself to go into treatment. This was the first time she initiated this on her own, not due to pressure from the family. This came after she had gotten into a fair amount of trouble because of her drinking. She had her third DUI about a year ago, which has caused her some major financial troubles. I think that along with the fact that the rest of family was beginning to distance themselves is what finally motivated her to get help. I had absolutely no involvement in her treatment this time around. Anyway, she's been sober now for about 2 months. I don't live nearby so I only hear updates from my mom. Sounds like she's doing very well. No one in the family suspects she's been drinking. She's been a lot more social with the family.

So here's my question. My sister has a major bill from the most recent treatment facility. A family member has decided to take up a collection to help her pay for this. In addition, she has been having her wages garnished to pay for the DUI-related charges. This has apparently made it hard for her to keep up with her mortgage. My mom wants to start up a second collection to help her out with the DUI-related charges so they'll stop garnishing her wages and she can get back on track with her mortgage. I'm very conflicted about whether I should help out financially with any of this. I just mailed a check to the family member in charge of the first collection. I sent an amount that was much less than what I could afford, but I felt it was an amount that I wouldn't be angry about giving if my sister doesn't stay sober. I want to help her out and support her in her recovery, but I also don't feel like it's my responsibility to pay her bills. If I had some way of guaranteeing that she'd stay sober forever, of course I would bend over backwards to make her life easier and show her how much I care. But I will never have that guarantee, and I don't want to offer more than what I am essentially willing to throw away if she chooses or is unable to stay sober. I don't want to feel like I did after that first time she went through treatment. I think my family is a bunch of major enablers. I think it's sweet that they want to help her out, but I think that none of them has considered the possibility that she won't remain sober. And if that happens, I think they'll all be very angry with her and resent how much they're trying to do for her now. Am I being too cynical? Should I be giving more money to help out with these bills? Or should I follow my gut and stick with my limit? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I can't talk to anyone in my family about this because I don't trust their judgment, and apparently I don't trust mine either.

DreamsofSerenity

My first reaction is that you should not pay any of her bills at all. Even though she has been sober for two months, I still see it as enabling. Who is to say that once your family has cleaned up her financial mess, she won't think "wow, that was easy", and start drinking again?

That said, my brother is an addict who is majorly enabled by my mother. And I definitely can not say I've never contributed to that madness. It is so painful to see someone you love struggle; you just want to make them better. But maybe enabling them is more about assuaging our own uncomfortability with their struggle than actually helping them?

I think you really need to get clear about what the healthiest thing for your sister is, and then go with that. I feel badly for you because these family things can be a real mess.
(If you don't help pay, the burden is falling on everyone else, yet they are choosing to do it).

I'm sure you will get some great advice on SR. I am a newbie but wanted to try to support you.

DoS

Hammer

Welcome, Sister!

Ok, and these are just opinions from having been at or near where you are. Take what you like and leave the rest. Fair enough?

I am sorry. But it is good your understand that.

My wife has been an alcoholic/addict/SI/ED, etc. since we met 12 years ago.

Believe me, I had NO Idea what that really meant, and BC (before children).

She tries to work her program, but it is a slippery trail.

Good and Good.

Probably not so good. Glad you and hubby made it through.

Not so good -- not about the relapse, but the "you" part . . .

Triple C time, here --

YOU:

Did not Cause it,
Cannot Control it,
Cannot Cure it.

Good, Good, and More Good.

Family gets out the way, and things start heading where they need to go, huh?

There is a saying -- Pain Drives the Train. Gotta let folks feel pain to want the change. Super.

If you think about it, maybe write a Thank You Note to the arresting officer and judge.

More Super Gooder!!!

Wonderful!

THAT is that "Pain" stuff we were just talking about.

If you think money is some cure, or some help -- Send your money to some AA recovery group and send the family the receipt.

hmmm, pain drives (y)our train, too, huh?

Funny how much we can be like the AA side of the house, at times.


Ya Think?

Let Go. Let God.

Trust His Judgment. Not mine, not yours, not theirs.

Now do a Do Loop and Hit the Triple C's.

SparkleKitty

If it were me, I would treat it like going to Vegas and gamble only an amount I would be okay never seeing again. If you don't feel comfortable giving anymore, you can decline; you don't even need to offer an explanation.

Boundaries are for you. The rest of your family will have to learn to set their own.

CeciliaV

I can't say it better than those who replied before me, but I am in agreement with "yes this is enabling." And I'm 100% behind SparkleKitty in that boundaries are for you - and you can communicate them or not if you wish. Nobody's business but yours.

sister414

Thank you so much for your comments. It has been so hard to get to where I am with setting my own boundaries (not that I'm perfect, obviously), and my family definitely has a way of eating a way at my boundaries. I like the idea, SparkleKitty, of treating it like going to Vegas. That's kind of how I was thinking about it. I kept going back and forth with the amount I was going to send. I kept feeling pulled to send more, and then I kept having to remind myself to not go there. I feel content with the amount I've sent. I'm not going to send anymore.

On a side note, family dynamics really do suck! I hate the whole dance that happens where one or a few family members come down so hard on the addict, to the point where it's cruel (because it's motivated by wanting to control, not by setting one's own boundaries), and then the others react by overcompensating and trying to take care of the addict. That's what's going on in this situation. The family member who started the first collection is trying to compensate for certain other people who have been too cold. And everyone is really just trying to control the situation in order to feel better.

Okay, so no more money from me. And when people try to convince me otherwise, I have to be comfortable with the inevitable guilt I will feel in saying no, along with whatever anxiety I have about being judged. But I know all of that is garbage so I'll do my best to ignore it as much as I can.

sister414

Thanks, DreamsofSerenity. I agree that this ends up being about making the family more comfortable rather than thinking about what will truly help her. I tried to broach that topic with my mom last week, but she's not at a place where she can hear it right now. I feel bad because I just learned that my parents are thinking about contributing a large amount themselves, and I know they really aren't in a place financially where they should be doing that. But I can't control that either. However, now that I'm thinking about this a little more clearly, I think I will call my mom and at least communicate that point to her as clearly as I can. Maybe she'll agree. Maybe she won't.

Hammer

mkay.

You did not ask for this but you seem to understand what is going on.

In the industry it was/is called the Drama Triangle. More properly the Karpman Drama Triangle. Great Drama for the folks that like Drama. You sound wise enough to not like Drama, so here is some of the path out . . .

You will likely be called "the bad guy" (big deal), but it will get you out.

DramaTriangle

The Relationship Triangle | Psychology Today

bless5

Please don't feel guilty or judged. They may try to project that on you, but you are on a road of recovery that they have chosen not to take, at least not yet. I think of them like the 2yo that's throwing a screaming fit because you won't let them play in the street, but with age, find the wisdom in your boundary. If anything, feel sorry for these people that "think they are helping", but are actually helping her slowly kill herself, or possibly someone else. I have to tell myself I refuse to help them kill themselves or put one nail in the coffin of the As in my life.

sister414

Thanks, Hammer. I'll take a look at those links. Yes, I certainly don't like the drama. I used to get sucked into this pattern myself. Usually my mom would be the one who would get very angry, and then I'd play the role of "but we should try to understand her better." But not so much anymore. I try to maintain empathy for my sister without getting sucked into enabling as much as I can. I've been mostly successful for the last few years. But now that she's sober, it seems a little tricker. Interestingly, now that she's sober, my mom is the one who is being the most enabling. She wants so badly for this to be real and lasting. I hope it will be. I try to remind her that it might not be, but she doesn't like that too much. I'm not sure if I should express any of my skepticism. It doesn't seem to be very helpful. Maybe it's good for me to keep saying it out loud so I don't forget it though.

sister414

Thanks, bless5. I don't mean to say that I'm stuck on feeling guilty or judged. I just mean that that's still my automatic reaction, but I'm getting better at not listening to it. It may always be my automatic reaction. I'm a firm believer in the idea that people can change their behavior, and then over time their thoughts and emotions can change somewhat too. But I think those thoughts and emotions stick with us for a long time, and sometimes even crop up long after we thought we had conquered them. But I can choose not to pay attention to these particular thoughts and feelings - they haven't been very helpful to me so far.

Recovering2

Here's what I noticed. You don't mention that your sister actually approached family and asked for help. Sounds like family members have taken it upon themselves to step in and fix her financial woes. Big mistake IMO. I'm glad your sister is doing well, but it's important that the A experiences the consequences of her decisions. NOT paying their bills was stressed by the therapists at my BF's treatment program. It's enabling. Sounds like family have their own issues that they should focus on instead of your sister's.

You have learned to set boundaries, that's an important healthy step for your life. Boundaries are for you, not for others. Family will often bristle when we set boundaries, and it's okay to let them react however they want. It doesn't have to impact our decision. When I went through a recovery program for family, I was taught "No" is a complete sentence. When we say "No" we don't have to justify/explain/rationalize. If we're not comfortable, we can protect our boundaries and simply say no.