pats62

I am so grateful that I found this site. I have been lost due to my EXAGF breaking things off without any notice. We met two years ago and I thought that she is the one I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Not realizing that there was an alcohol problem until I started to see patterns. We had our tiffs however we were able to over come them, we never once spoke about the underlying problem. I have witness things with her son that were becoming alarming and I looked the other way hoping it will take care of itself. I have seen her drink to the point of blackouts on many occasions and getting up the next day like nothing ever happened. She is very successful in her career and carry's the load with her finances and paying child support to her ex. She has said a couple of times that she is a functional alcoholic. Again I didn't put two/two together. The more I was going over to the house the more I saw someone I love intoxicated by 6:30. Our final weekend together we went out to a restaurant and I could see the night unfolding we walked down the stairs from the upstairs lounge and as I was holding on to her she missed the last two steps and landed on her back. I had to leave for a business trip on Monday morning. We had communication via text for two days and all of a sudden they stopped. I return from my trip on Thursday and again through out the day no contact. That evening I called her and heard the slurring voice on the other end of the phone and I became upset and did let her know that I cant continue the conversation and I was going to hang up and which I did. The next morning I got a text stating F*** You don't come by my house to pick up your things. Well needless to say I got home that evening to find all my belongings dropped off by my exagf. I sent a text thanking her for returning my things and I only hoped to tell her that I will miss her and I hope she finds the inner peace and help that she needs. As the weekend went by I sent a text to see how she was and two hours later I get a phone call from the police asking me not to text. I asked them if they saw anything alarming about the text and stated "no" but they had to react to her claim. I proceeded to ask them questions abut the safety of the child that I know that is effected by her actions when she drinks. They advise me to contact the HS and possibly her ex. The last thing I wanted to do was to ruin her career and her personally. I sent another text (I know I was asked not to) letting her know that the police gave me the information on protecting the innocent child. Not to make excuses but my intent was to let her know that she really needs to get help. I feel so bad not doing my homework with Alcoholism and not approaching it a different way. I have since been to Al-anon meetings and reading on the web and here on SR understanding how nasty this can be. I have accepted that she blocked my text's and phone calls to do damage control so that the fear of me letting other know about her state and protect her dirty little secret. Last week I sent an email reaching out to see how she and her son were ding and two days later I received this response "Go away, I don't want ANYTHING to do with you. If you don't stop, I will get restraining order. I hope you are happy but not with me. It will Never happen" She is a very educated women and receiving this response has left me at a loss.....How could someone that you spent so much time with and loved dearly just all of a sudden cut you out of their lives? This is really hard to understand and to accept, however being threaten with a restraining order for caring about two individuals that meant the world to me has blown me away. I know its time to let go but my soul has been damaged and I struggle to find peace now...Thanks for allowing me to share.

P

deathbecomesher

I'm so sorry that you're going through this pain...I've been married to an alcoholic for 10 years and we have 3 children. At this point I wish he would just leave. The stress is just too much for me and our kids. Hope you find some peace with all this.

AnvilheadII

first things first, you HAVE to stop contacting her. the police instructed you to do so and you are threatened with a restraining order. if you are concerned about the minor child, take the police suggestions and either contact family services or the ex...and then LET IT GO.

i'm sorry, but all the why's and wherefore's won't fix this or make it better. instead of worrying about ruining HER career think about what being slapped with a restraining order will do to YOUR life.

pats62

Thanks Anvil. I didn't expect to get a response with a threat of a restraining order. In the past she would contact me with crazy texts and emails to start the dialog and now I see where this is going and I will take your advise and completely disconnect.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, pats62.

I agree with Anvil - you have no idea what to expect from a person who is out-of-control, so if she says leave her alone, honor that.

I know it doesn't make sense, but someday it might, at least a little. Addictions protect their perimeters. She is making a sub-conscious choice to continue drinking, and that means the barriers must be removed. You are becoming a barrier to her. She has to make this go away to continue her current behavior and have it "make sense" in her mind. It's all part of the manipulation games alcoholics play with themselves.

Let this go. You got lucky in a sense. Many people here went years through craziness like this.

Also know that there is a possibility she may pop up again in your life. be prepared to deal with that when/if it happens.

Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T

pats62

Again thank you for the advise....I am so glad I found SR and it has helped me each and every day reading the post and seeing the kind and caring people here. I can't say it enough I lucky I am to have found this sight. Also Tuffgirl I live in the Northeast and was born in Anchorage :-)...once again thank you so much for being here!

pattyG

Pat,

Welcome. I can understand the felling of loss you have...there is no closure with an A most of the time. If you are like me, you want that...it doesn't feel right to not finalize things. My XAGF took me to court for custody of my kids (which she has no right to) before we were even broken up. I found out a week later and broke it off with her. It was very sudden. I am still reeling from it. I think you are doing really well and seem to have a good head on your shoulders!

pats62

Patty

I truly understand what you mean about closure.....I spent two years of helping her along and looking the other way about the behavior and to have it turn out the way it did its heart wrenching. I am trying to educate myself about how sick this disease is. I am finding out that a FA can be very vicious and they don't have a problem to spin the problem on me and make me feel like I am the one that is bad person. I will keep coming back here to learn from all you wonderful people....

Patsy22

its difficult. I am struggling to find closure after my partner's death even though he was a manipulative and abusive alcoholic. Try to look forward rather than back and concentrate on your own life now. You can't help her deal with this if she doesn't want to.

pats62

I have appreciated the insight about the disconnect and this morning I received an email that was sent last night stating "I love and hate you. I hate you more right now" . I was threaten with a restraining order if I sent another email. This is tough to deal with and I know its up to me to move on now...just wanted to vent

Patsy22

Have a rant. We've all done it. That's what we're here for.

pattyG

Pat,

I don't know how you feel about this, but have you looked into blocking her email? Otherwise, i would say that is her feeling about HERSELF...she hates herself and yet doesn't want to quit drinking. I would NOT RESPOND. It is hard. I got an email today from my ex as well saying she wanted all her stuff and accused me of taking her paperwork out of her envelope.(?!?) She is angry because the court date was postponed.