workingonme11

Struggling right now with this all consuming illusion he has now created...
"Im not drinking/drugging! I have a job AT the rehab!! (I mean come on..how good does that look), im taking care of myself (now all.the sudden he has all the tine in the world to go to museums, ice cream shoppes, whatever), he got a haircut, clean shaven.....looks the picture of health....

And its making me sick. Frustrated. Sick to my stomach.
I want to shout to the roof tops "He is a conartist!! He is nit in active recovery!! Dont be fooled!! Don't believe it!! This was niot just a regular break up!!!"

He was a blubbering crying scumbag mess just a few wks ago.....and now he is all shiny and new?


I realize that he only surrounds himself with people who wont hold him accountable. And people whonare not in true active recovery.
I mean come on.....he looks so.healthy now!! When someone asks where i am all.he has to.say is...."oh...it just didnt work.out"
And no one will question him...."oh...poor guy...."

And i am LIVID!! I want to call his brother in AZ who actually said a whole bunch of things to.me last yr which including..."you dont know anymore than us; you just have less exprlerience with how bad Chris has made the last 15 yrs of our life"
*Gut punch* and want to acknowledge his warning by it confirming it happened to.me.
Ive been praying about this and ruminating on it and speakibg with others about it....
I go back and forth....."what will that do??"
For.me its also about not walking away by his controlling addict hand that has made me frightened to speak up to anyone else about his screwy behavior.....which messes with his game of illusion with esp. his mother....
But his brother has his number (prob why Addict/AXBF can nit STAND his brother)
I dont want to walk away the victim and him thinking he duped me and no one knows.....

Anyway....any ideas or thoughts on how to work.through what it "looks like" and the reality of obviously what is happening/has happened......
They have all pretty much been.out of the loop over the last 6 mo.....Honestly...i think.he is using....not sure what..but is it wrong to feel like i am counting on his "relapse"? If he isnt now...i suppose it will.only be a matter if time until there is another crisis....i dont kniw.....

atalose

In my own opinion I don’t think the importance here is on him or what he is or is not doing today but more on the fact of why it’s so important to you to tell everyone.

I often believe when we think we are powerful enough to change them and that our existence in their lives will make them not use/drink, when the ends comes we feel we failed, nor understanding that it was never our job in the first place to fix them.

I am sorry you are feeling so hurt. ((hugs))

AnvilheadII

I dont want to walk away the victim
then LET IT GO. this isn't a contest, this isn't about who is right. let him have his life HOWEVER he chooses to live it.....and get busy doing the same.

you keep going over the same bit...round and round....and now you want to PROVE him a liar? to what end? who CARES?

it didn't work out.
it's over.
let go. nothing is holding you back but you.
learn your lessons and move on.
it was a short term relationship that didn't go as planned.
that's life.

workingonme11

Maybe you misunderstood my post it's not about what he's doing whether he's using or not this is about the fact that his illusion that he is this completely the picture of health and if you read any of my previous posts you'd understand exactly what I'm talking about.

I look.like a fool and i know the situation......he looks like a shiny brand new recovered addict with a brandy new job tgat makes him look like he is some deserving healthy person....
Meanwhike, he used me for an entire year to make.it look like he was getting help....and meanwhile....he is stealing from me, from.my children, i just found out he never went to a court date over 6mo. Ago in which I lost the bail money.... im sure he is tellibg his family that it just didnt work out with us...but i feel like i would be allowing him to continue using me in this charade if i didnt say anything to at least his brother....

AnvilheadII

what does his brother have to do with this?

the only person who needs to see REALITY is you....now you know....ya got played, and i'm sorry that happened. but it happened. the BEST thing for you to do is to put it BEHIND you now.

if it's over he can't use you anymore. he's out of your life, now get him out of your head. put your focus back on you and your kids and never let something like this happen again. that way YOU win, by learning and growing.

you have NO control over his life...how he acts...or what people think of him.

workingonme11

By the sound of it anvil....either you're in active addict acting like this or you are a troll on this site because you've been nothing but judgemental about my situation I think that you need to stop being on your soap box and being self righteous about what my choices and struggles R and maybe stick to refraining from responding to a post that just gets under your skin if you can support the people on here in a positive and helpful way then, maybe you shouldnt be on a SUPPORT SITE

AnvilheadII

curious how this statement is anything BUT supportive:

if it's over he can't use you anymore. he's out of your life, now get him out of your head. put your focus back on you and your kids and never let something like this happen again. that way YOU win, by learning and growing.

now I will leave you to stay stuck and miserable for however long you choose. adios.

wicked

workingonme11,

I am uncomfortable with you calling anyone an active addict or a troll on this site.

My illusion about my exhusband was that I had any control over what he did, how he was perceived by others and his relationship with anyone other than me.

And, in our relationship I could control only me.

The three C's were very important to me, about my relationships with addicted people

I did not cause it,
I could not change it,
I could not cure it.

Beth

Freedom1990

You don't have any control over what other think and/or feel.

I have found that comparing my "insides" to someone else's "outsides", I am being unfair to myself and that other person too.

Sending you hugs of support!

LoveMeNow

Anvil's style isn't to sugar coat her ESH, however it is valuable, honest and extremely accurate. I really didn't like her posts when I first joined here. She just didn't understand me or my situation!! lol Oh but she did, better then I did. Thankfully she helped wake me (any many others) up from my own destructive and unhealthy thinking. IMO, If she is triggering you, these is a reason. Keep searching!!

Keep reading and posting. Hopefully someday you will be able to see her posts with some clarity.

Lily1918

take what you want and leave the rest. No name calling please. google troll folklore.... it is very rude to call someone a giant grotesque snot nosed unintelligable creature. That's where the term troll comes from.
"nice words aren't always true and true words aren't always nice."

yes this is a support site, but support means we help each other in our own lives and a majority of us work the 12 steps.

step 1 "we have admitted that we are powerless over the addict in our lives and their addiction. our lives have become unmanageable.

we are here to make our lives better, not to fix the addict.
In the same way that we cannot enable active addiction, we cannot say things that enable active codie behaviors. it goes against the 12th step.

the only way to stop the pain an addict inflicts on us is to get them out of our heads...

Im sorry for your pain :,(

Kindeyes

First, let me state that I am so very sorry that you are in such anguish. The situation with your ex is still very raw and those nerves are very very very close to the surface. I will try my hardest not to further irritate those raw feelings.

Sometimes, when I am focused on what others think about me or what someone else is doing......there is a issue that lies within my own control. What they do and what they think......are not within my control.

Sometimes.....and I say this with the utmost of respect for the pain and anguish you are feeling.....we can exacerbate our own pain with our own thought processes.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

His life. His recovery or not. His illusion. Only thing here you or any of us control are our own reactions.

Most of us here can appreciate being used by an addict. Heck, most of us went out of our way and allowed ourselves to be used again and again.

It may not be a bad idea to cut off contact with the entire family cause what they think does not define you unless you allow it to do so.

Can you consider forgiving yourself? Get some professional help to put things into perspective.

Ann

Workingonme11, you are hurt and you are angry but that is no reason to strike out at members here who are offering good suggestions and support.

Disrespect for members is not allowed here, and I am therefore closing this thread.

Workingonme11, when you cool down and are prepared to post respectfully, please come back and give it another shot. It sounds like you really need help, and if you ask and respond respectfully, you will get it.

Anvil, thank you for handling that with grace. And the person who reported this thread, who shall remain anonymous, is also thanked.

This is a respectful site, a respectful forum and we care about all our members here, newcomers and old timers alike,

That said, this thread is now closed.