Crazed

Here I am no contact. I am hanging out with my family, and my sister is on her iPad and says "Oh I see your ex just posted some pictures on facebook."

And i get all in my head. How is it that she cant quit drinking, her life is falling apart, and here she is posting to her "friends" about how great her life is? She didnt mention that she was in the hood today at DUI school (i know because i agreed to drive her before we went NC)- she conveniently ommitted that part of her life.

I am glad I dont have a facebook account.

LexieCat

It upsets you because you are still enmeshed with her. I hope you told your sister you would appreciate no more updates on what she is posting.

Crazed

Yes, I did.

I guess I feel it is "unfair" that I am hurting, and she seems to be getting along just fine. Immature, i know.

Tuffgirl

I had to ask my girls to stop telling me when they see my x around town. my family knows not to bring it up. Lexie is right, ask your sister to refrain from telling you stuff. its easier that way.

and no, not immature. It hurts. I still feel that on occasion. But I think you know better that her life is good. She's an addict, remember? Life is not good for them, even when they try to pretend it is.

noanxtime

I'd like to give your sister a swat across the head (in my mind, of course). She's in denial and trying to support her fake life and fooling no one.

wicked

Yes, I think facebook is bad bad bad for drama.
I have an account to reach two people. I am thinking of closing it anyway.

I think I would ask my sibling not to update me on my ex's updates.
I do understand your emotional reaction though, no doubt.
No contact will bring back the sanity. Keep it up.

Beth

LexieCat

When she seems to be miserable, you run in and "rescue" her; when she seems to be "fine," you think it's unfair. Like I said, you are enmeshed.

The way she feels at any given moment does not have to affect you one bit. She is entitled to feel however she feels.

What are you doing for your OWN recovery today?

Crazed

Is when i want her back because in my sick mind I believe it and things will really be different this time.


Hangin at a beach condo, listening to the surf, with my family. Took a couple mile walk on the beach and got some ice cream. Going to get some Thai food in a bit.

Crazed

Oh... And the real clincher is that the posted picture is of the new puppy.... On my couch and pillows that she took when she moved out. It did make for a bit of a joke amongst the family....

LexieCat

So get a puppy of your own. Or a cat. Or a goldfish. Something that will benefit from the attention and energy you are wasting on someone who can't benefit from it right now.

Are you going to Al-Anon? Building up those recovery muscles? Or just treading water until the next crisis hits?

Seriously--this stuff is WORK. You are hoping she will do her recovery program--you should be working the program you'd like her to be working. It's work to constantly re-direct your thoughts and emotions and energy, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Get a sponsor and work the Steps. Do the searching and fearless inventory you'd like her to do. Find out what makes Crazed tick. Why you are willing to give up your own life for the sake of someone who is stuck in her own addiction? Whether she gets well or not, you are stuck with YOU for life. Wouldn't it be nice to stand on your own two feet? To fearlessly LIVE instead of being an appendage to someone else?

I'm not without compassion for you, just as I would have for a suffering alcoholic. But like the suffering alcoholic, you must do the work to support your own recovery. Hanging out with your family and listening to the surf is nice. But you won't fill the hole in your life by doing feel-good stuff all the time. Some of the work is hard, and unpleasant, but the rewards of recovery are great.

Please--you are worth it.

AnvilheadII

seems maybe you could all find something or someone more "entertaining" to watch on FB and laugh about??

pattyG

Crazed,

Hang in there! Min by min if you have to. No contact is hard but each hurdle it gets a little easier. Cry, write, talk...do whatever you have to to not contact her. I know what its like to wonder why they don't look like they are suffering. I wonder it too. But then I look at my blessings, and how I wouldn't trade my itty bitty problems for hers for all the money in the world. You are worth it, you are lovable, and you deserve someone who with cherish you and be a true partner. You don't need a child to take care of.

DreamsofSerenity

Crazed, just because she looks fine on FB, doesn't mean she is actually fine!! You are a smart guy and know this. Plus you know alcoholics: they are always trying to convince themselves and others that everything is under control. Isn't this just more of that crap?

It's very upsetting to open old wounds, whether it's by contact or seeing photos. I'd just accept that it upset you-- which is normal--and move on without analyzing it too much.

And stay NC!

SparkleKitty

If someone tried to paint a picture of what my life was like based solely on what I post on Facebook, they would have to conclude that I spend at least 70 hours a week on the public transit system, 70 hours watching Doctor Who, and the rest of the time trying to find words for Scrabble. Our Facebook pages are not our lives.

But all of that is irrelevant because if you ever want to move past this, you're gonna have to start moving sometime. It's incredibly hard. As Lexie says, it's WORK. And all the energy you put into thinking about, worrying about, wondering about HER is energy that is not going into the work you need to do for yourself. Even if she did get better, that wouldn't automatically make you get better.

But you know all this, I think. I'm sorry about how much this hurts and wish I could make it better. In the meantime, sending you strength and courage to untangle the knot your lives have gotten into.

Hammer

She is getting along drunk.

It is a pain killer. For now. Kills everything, later.

Hammer

And for something more useful to you:


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...up-addict.html

Yeah, that is in the "addict" section -- but anymore there is about a dime's worth of difference between alkies and addicts nowadays. And probably 9 cents change.

Good advice from Zosos.

pianogirl1193

I totally hear where you are coming from Crazed! I found out some stuff that my XABF posted on FB recently and it upset me a lot. Maybe it didn't even "upset" me that much but I couldn't stop thinking about it. It seems like he is "fine", even great, having so much fun with all these new party friends in his new party apartment hanging out with some new girl.

I think it's normal to be a little upset. I guess I'm trying to remind myself that like others have said, he is really just putting on a show. Even if your EX really thinks she's having fun and doing fine, it's only because she is drinking!!! Without the drugs/alcohol they would be so different. And, do we really want to be a part of that? I know I don't.

Sorry I rambled. I would def ask your sister and anyone else to please not inform you of any updates. It will help so much.

thislonelygirl

Your sister probably just meant no harm by showing you that and
Its not immature. Its understandable that it upsets you how ok she is while your hurt.
I know the feeling. The thing is half empty or half full?
Whos really ok and not ok? You or her?
Either I way pictures can be misleading . So is fb and shes still the alcoholic. You aren't.

redatlanta

I have a friend who broke up with her S.O. last year. They still stalk each others FB. She puts fabulous pics on FB showing her fantastic life.

Reality is - she is incredibly depressed. She has gained 40 pounds and all the pics are taken so that you can't see it or she posts pics that are 2 -3 -4 years old. She barely leaves the house. YOu would think by looking at her FB she dates all the time - she doesn't. The highlight of her day is going to the QT to get a bag of cheetos and some candy bars. You would also think she travels all the time - she doesn't she just writes that she does.

FB is a PR tool.