Soberas

Hello, I am new to this forum. I was a heavy weekend binger on the verge of suicide. My final choice was AA, I got a sponsor and started working the steps 8 months ago. I have not had a drink since I walked in the rooms. I have also quit smoking and coffee soon after. I run daily, study at university and eat well. I never consider going back to drinking either. My problem lies here, I am completely incapable of socialising sober, especially women. I have never had sex sober in my life, let alone a girlfriend. I am completely incapable and the thought of chatting to girls sends me into an anxiety filled panic attack. One would guess that this could well have been the reason I drank so heavily in the first place. I am very anti-social, ie I am sitting home alone on a Saturday night with not a single person to call and hangout with. I am a loner. When I drank I would meet women and have sex regularly because I had the confidence to do so. I cant say hello to a girl now let alone sleep with one. Without sounding like to much of a drama queen, I really believe I will never meet a girl whilst sober. The thing is I can have a conversation with girls if it is for something class or work related, but as soon as it may be conceived that I am flirting I will back off and clam up. I acknowledge that I have the self esteem of a 13 year old girl, but that doesn't help change things right.

Anyways, can anyone share there experience on this? Hopefully I am not alone on this.

Cheers

Soberas

I am 24 by the way.

Grymt

Try just be friendly. For now it seems you need to focus on recovery and strengthening it the most. Expect other things to flow from that. I've just managed to keep a plant alive for a couple of years and did a pretty good job with a couple of goldfish.

Panache

I've always been taught that whatever confidence you think you had with alcohol, can come from you sober, but in a better way.

Maybe use your spare time now by participating in a hobby/team where there's both guys and girls involved and use that as a way of increasing your confidence and talking to girls (even if it's just about the shared activity you are participating in)

Perhaps you just haven't met the right girl yet? Confidence isn't the be all and all to being attractive, lots of girls like the shy/mysterious types!

You're only young and there is plenty of time to find the right girl who you feel comfortable with. Invest in yourself, work on your confidence gradually and let them come to you. Being happy on the inside, shows on the outside and is an endearing quality to all.

Welcome to SR, glad you could join us and well done on your sobriety.

deeker

I was told my emotional maturity stopped when I started drinking and drugging. I am 51 and I am about 14 emotionally or I was when I started going to AA. It takes time.

The way to build up your self esteem is to put your self in situations where you can practice being social. On a Saturday night hit an AA meeting, ask if anyone wants to go out for coffee, bowiling , for pizza.

Go with a group. What I do is after a meeting I just yell out " Hey ya' all we are going out for Coffee at Denny's Restaurant and people just show up. It should be fairly easy to strike up conversation there. Talk about recovery, ask questions, tell them about how you are feeling about this. You will find yourself in a social situation right there and also getting some sound advise.

You really just have to start there, it takes practice. After you have done this for awhile you will realize that people don't bite, girls don't bite. Girls actually kinda like it when you come right out and say I am a little shy. That opens up the doors for communication. They will get the hint and they will start talking.

Also asking questions, Ask the girls questions. Everyone likes it when you take an interest in them. Who doesn't like to talk about themselves. lol

Ask them what they do for fun?
Where have they traveled?
Where they grew up?
Ask them to tell you what their first concert was like and who they saw?
Talk about your pets.

These are all things that will open it up for light non-threatening conversations. Try to stay away from politics and religion.

You can do it. Just takes a little practice. See you told me you where shy and look, you just got me blabbing now! haha!

Soberas

Thanks for your replies. I hang out with people from AA a lot which is great, but there 50 year old plus men which is fine but I would also like to meet people my age which aren't in AA. It just seems that everyone I meet socialises thru drink. I have no interest in going to clubs and pubs sober either. I dont get tempted to drink or anything, I just despise the fakeness of it all.

Sasha4

A few thoughts from me

You don't tend to meet partners that are going to be long lasting in pubs and clubs surrounded by booze.
I never did.

I also think that if you can make genuine conversation, be polite that goes a lot further.
I don't think anyone makes any lasting impression when they are drunk.

I do understand you though and I know when your young being sober can seem restricting compared to other people.

I do think trying to find friendships where drink is not involved is important.
Male or female.
Maybe look for other things to do too like the cinema, dinner at your place.

I wish you the best xx

deeker

Maybe check out NA, I do both fellowships, NA considers alcohol a drug. My drug of choice is alcohol and I have been going to both fellowships. The average age at those meetings is around 22 yrs old. Don't quote me on that, however that is what I see. Lots of young people.They do all kinds of fun things. Picnics , volleyball games, dances, kareoke every month there is something going on. Check it out.

ReadyAtLast

perhaps find an young persons AA meeting as well as your usual one to meet people more your own age.

avocado

Try speed dating. It will force you to speak to women i rapid succession and even if you don't hit it off with anyone, at least you're getting practice. Also, consider not referring to them as 'girls'. They're not 'girls' they're 'women'. I realize this may seem like I'm making a big deal out of a matter of semantics, but how we refer to people shapes our attitudes about them and thus molds our behavior. Start to think of women as other human beings that you're interested in getting to know, rather than as 'girls' you're trying to 'hook up with'. You're not a kid anymore, so it's best to leave childish ways of thinking about things behind.

Soberas

Thanks again for the replies. Gives me a bit more to think about. I am still baffled as to how I would ever turn a friendship into something more considering I have no confidence what so ever. Either way being sober and single is better than being drunk and meeting women regularly. By the way I am sorry for calling women 'girls'. I have never seen that to be an issue, I refer to men as boys also. I have always considered them pretty interchangeable. Anyhow I take your point and I hope I didn't offend.

MeSoSober

For what it's worth, I'm 42 and female and have no problem being referred to as a "girl." In fact I think I prefer it.

And don't put so much pressure on yourself. If you can converse with the ladies about work or class, conversing about other stuff isn't all that different. Keep it casual! And as has been pointed out here, you can definitely work the shy angle to your advantage. I think a lot of women find that very attractive. Good luck!

avocado

No, I didn't mean to say it as you were being offensive. It's just something I've personally noticed in my own experience. When I stopped thinking about women at bars/parites/ etc as 'girls' it changed my way about interacting with them.

trachemys

Why no confidence? You quit booze, smoking and coffee and have no interest in going back to self-destructive habits. That's a pretty strong person, in my book. You have every right to not only be confident but be proud of who you are and what you have to offer a quality woman.

MeSoSober

No doubt there are plenty of women who would find it demeaning or condescending to be called a "girl." And that's okay.

I just didn't want anyone to think that we ALL feel that way.

Anna

My suggestion would be to get involved in volunteering in your community. Find something you'd like to participate in and jump in. It could give you a chance to gradually meet people while you are working on helping yourself and others.

laurie6781

Check around for some 'Men Only' meetings. I know there are some in Perth.

There is where you can ask this question of men any age, as a lot of them were or are single now and pretty sure many of them have experienced the same thing and have found ways to overcome this.

Oh, and don't kid yourself it is and was just as bad for the women. I had a horrible time after I got sober, as I don't believe I had ever been intimate (even though was married for 10 years and then divorced before recovery) without being drunk or pretty close to it. I also found many other women the same way. It took time and a lot of 'group dating' so to speak to finally be able to more than "Hi" without stuttering, turning red, etc

It will happen. As you continue to grow and change in recovery and become more self confident you will start to be able to have one sentence conversations and it will go from there.

Go ask 'them good ol boys' lol and I think you will be surprised at the answers you get!

Congrats on your 8 months, that is awesome!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

daisy1

I have only had sober sex a few times in my life, and it is a million times better, and a million times better again with someone I love. I would love to meet a man that was truly interested in an honest relationship, and if he didnt drink he would be perfect. Don't worry, it will happen for you :-)

deeker

You did nothing wrong Sobey, I am so glad you shared from ur heart. You really helped me. So Thanks! By the way you have good stuff to say now you just have to let them come out of your mouth in front of girls, oops, women.

deeker

Kinda like a respect thing, I get it avo.