bunkie65

Well...... it seemed like I could "handle" it, talking to, seeing my kids father, the llove of my life. And he says I am his! But..... it is just not something I was or can "handle". Can any one? Can or does any one still have contact with their loved ones while they still use? I know I can't live with active addiction, but thought I was "strong" enough and had enough of my own recovery from codependency, to not be "sucked in" to the snares of the user!

In some ways I feel like I "failed" in that I allowed myself to get sucked in and ended up saying some really "choice" things to him. Let's just say the things I said were fueled by anger and I wished on him Gods wrath for using people, abandonment of his children and continuing to use drugs and lie to anyone he can. I went as far as saying "I hope everytime he calls his dealers or smokes his crack and weed he sees his kids faces, sad and confused as to why their dad keeps using and chooses drugs over them". Yes I went there! Not to proud of it but I did it. I have not spoken to him since. I also said "one day he will regret throwing away his kids and turning his back on them and me, and not helping me support them" he also said some not so nice things to me. Called me a few names etc....

Now what? Do I make ammends? I don't really feel like I want to or should? I just don't have anything to say, even though I know I was wrong in allowing my frustration and anger fuel my words, I just don't want to talk to him. But in some ways I feel like I should apolgize for my hurtful statements?

All the interaction we ad was to serve his needs. All he did was ask for "favors" or for help with this or that! It was all about him. Shocker!

Bottom line people in active addiction are so self serving, they lie, manipulate, use anyone and everyone to get what they want and need. I don't thinl they even care one tiny bit about anyone. I don't believe they can while using. I use to think they could on some level care a little.

I really don't think until they get sober interaction or contact with them is healthy with them. Its not that I don't care it is just accepting reality and taking care of me and my sons. Kids or no kids with the addict a relationship with them in active addiction seems to be a dead end street. Disappointment, constant chaos, and feeling used. What was hard and kept me holding on to thinking it was ok, was the fleeting, glimmers of who he once was. He did not use when we were around each other or had contact and I saw the man I fell in love with. Just flickers here and there. Its so hard to just cut them off. And draw the line and say until they choose recovery no contact. Why do I feel like im giving up hope or on him?
Why do I feel in some ways like im closing the door in his face? Even though I know I need to do this for me and its pointless to interact with him while he is so deep in his denial and addiction.

There is a part of me that wants to say "sorry" for saying things they way I said them. Not sorry I said the truth and that I am angry about his choice to use and use people and neglet and abandon his kids, just sorry I said it in such a harsh way. Then there is this other part of me that just feels nothing, like Im not sorry and should not apolgize because someof the things that he has done are just so selfish and manipulative. The christian in me has asked God to forgive me for my words.

Funny I really don't feel like I should do anything, and sometimes they say that's something to do nothing.

I don't know if I m numb and in denial myself or if the stillness of my emotions are a form of peace? Sorry this is so long. Just trying to make sense of where I m at inside. And trying to accept the reality of my choices and the reality of what active addiction looks like and acts like while trying to hold on to hope that one day he will recover. Also being aware that I can't say or do a thing to help him and seperatiion from him as far as
contact is the only way for me even though I don't like that or want that it is just no5 possiable for me to do anything else, but keep away from him and not talk to him. His mental state is so distorted and he is so unrealistic and selfish its like having to constantly be on guard and never get a break.

God I hate addiction and what its does to people and their famlies!

Thanks for any words of wisdom or feedback! I know what I have to do just sucks cause I really thought I could still interact on even a small scale or talk to him even a little. And it is not possiable is it? Does anyone have the ability to do that? Can't we be a "friend" or a source of encouragement? Or is no contact the only way? I m thinking it is! For me anyway!

Vale

Hi Bunkie,
All I can relate is my own personal experience.
Addiction is what it is---not what we believe or want it to be.
This is a lesson I have learned with bitter tears.
No contact was the only way out for me.I wanted better options
but it wasn't Burger King (I didn't get to have it my way),my choices
boiled down to binary.Sanity,or descent into madness.
I chose sanity.....and peace.

jerect

I have found that when you try to interact with an addict in active addiction you really are not going to get anywhere.. and the only result you are going to get is insanity.. they can't be reasoned with so don't even try

iztal7776

My ex is the same way. But remember, the person we knew is a fantasy now. They are gone. If and that's a big IF, he does recover this will not erase the past damage done. The scars will be there. I had my ex tell me he was clean for who knows how long when he still had the redness on his lip from the pipe burn. The rosy cheeks. The lack of attention. Yet, he lied. And I didn't even confront him. Why? Cuz all the truth in the world, all the reasoning, all the love cannot penetrate that meth wall (for me). The sad part is that we forget that because everything we say can and will be used against us so that gives us the impression that they can be logical and rational. Don't beat yourself over it. Take care of your kiddos. If anything, IF we were to get clean you can be proud that you put them first. But don't map out your days with his getting clean in mind. It feels weird or even like guilt but remember, God wants us to love and cherish ourselves. And not to abuse ourselves. We are abusing ourselves with these thoughts. I ache too. I changed my phone and will be moving, will he try to contact me before I leave? Probably not and if he does, it will be to tell me "good riddance" or to guilt me. Or he won't even care. So cruel but it is our reality now. The choices we make will be ours and like I once told my ex, I am moving up in the world, it's up to you if you wanna follow because I can't continue going down..and neither will my kiddos. I still pray for him and his also drug addicted mom and dad. I ask God to open their hearts and show them the way out of darkness into His love and I put it in God's hands. Let his Will be done. And if losing us is it, who am I to question?

Vale

iztal7776 wrote:

"But remember, the person we knew is a fantasy now. They are gone"

Boy! If THAT isn't one of the truest things I've ever read on SR!

MadInBoston

I'm beginning to think that addiction is kind of like invasion of the body snatchers! It looks like my husband, but this person I'm speaking to is an entirely different person, cold and selfish and uncaring. In the body-snatched person's language, "I love you" is probably more akin to "I cannot afford to buy drugs without your financial help" than "I care deeply about you". What I hate is that it's so freaking tiring, and I'm becoming a cold person because of it. I wonder if I will ever be able to resurrect the love I used to have for my husband even when he gets clean.

heyjack

Quote:

Originally Posted by jerect

I have found that when you try to interact with an addict in active addiction you really are not going to get anywhere.. and the only result you are going to get is insanity.. they can't be reasoned with so don't even try

I really, really, reeeeally, REALLY need to read this to myself everyday.
Just as I was contemplating calling my addict friend in thinking/believing a simple talk would help persuade her to stop and care for herself and her little kids (all under 5).
Thanks Jerect

Vale

MIB,
Although it's easy to be hurt by all this (I was).....it's easier to process
if the basic (reptilian/trinary) logic is recalled:

1) if it's smaller than you? Eat it.
2) if it's the same size as you? Jump on it (procreate)
3) if it's bigger than you,run like hell!

......perhaps modified to.......

1)get dope
2)use dope
3)if dope unavailable,GET IT by ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

(sadly,in my experience,it really was no more complicated than that)

EnglishGarden

Thank you so much for the sanity in this thread.

story74

I , too, question whether or not to see the father (xah). He has seen his son 3 times in 11 months. I haven't heard from him in 5 months, and I really don't care to. I want nothing to do with an active addict. BUT, then if he does suddenly choose to contact me what are my rights? Currently, he has 2 hour supervision rights. If I don't give those to him when he asks, am I liable? If I don't see him when he asks, will my son understand my choice later in life?

No contact is the very best, but it gets very complicated when children are involved. Thankfully, I have full custody. But it is unerving and causes anxiety.

If this addict decided to come into our life again, I will make sure I do what is best for me (I have to deal with the drama) and my son. I always have. I think I have done a darn good job setting up boundries. I also decided to stay positive. Easier said then done, BUT I am on the right track. I focus on all the good in my life. And, there is a lot. This addict unfortunately will probably be in and out of my life for a long time. He is my sons father. But, I will be damned if he continues to cause anxiety and depression. He isn't worth it. I have the upper hand...I am sober, happy and have my son 24/7. I WILL NOT get roped up in his drama ever again. And, there is NO rationalizatin with an active addict.

It is very complicated. But, just keeping thinking positive and be the best mother to your children. That is all you can do.