DaddyWolf

Hello,
This is my first post... I am not really sure how to start.
I have two wonderful teenage boys and an alcholic wife. Apparently she is high functioning alcholic... that means she can keep steady employment (sort of) and assist financially. But really, thats all.

I guess that is why I am finally opening up to someone other than my two boys. Certainly other people know she is an alcholic, the few people we let into our home...

When we had our first son, my career was going well and I was making good money. However, my wife was recruited by a large corporation and she wanted to advance her career. I became a stay-at-home Dad. Please note, I am NOT complaining - this was a true gift - spending such time with my kids!

She would fly out on busness trips... and of course call home. I could hear the slurring in her voice. But I figured, she had a rough day and was unwinding... Well a few too many happy-hours after work got her fired!

We had no income... I scrambled and got a job... in an entirely new line of work. I was not making loads of cash... but slowly advancing... (even now I have a ways to go to get us out of debt.) I started out working evenings... I hated that I was not available in the evenings for my boys during that time. They also hid it from me just how much she drank... I was trying to protect them... they were trying to protect me.

She did get a job about 6 months after being fired. With her new job she is allowed to work from home quite a bit... I suppose no explanation is needed why she can maintain employment.

She really has exhausted us! I have had it!

I am tired of my boys not inviting friends over to play.
I am tired of the promises, "I'll stop..."
I am tired of a passed out body on the couch.
I am tired of being the only trusted authority in the household.
I am tired of finding empty bottles in the strangest hiding places.
I am tired of being isolated.
I am tired of my boys not having a mom.

I have so much more to say... but I am new at this confiding thing... part of me feels like I am betraying my partner.

Thank you for listening!

LexieCat

No betrayals for speaking the truth, to get support for yourself.

As a recovered alcoholic who retired a year and a half ago, and who has an awesome NEW job where most of my work is done at home, I am VERY happy I quit drinking before my time became less structured.

You sound like a great dad, and I'm not surprised you're tired.

You will find a lot of support here. I also strongly suggest you get to Al-Anon, and see if you can interest your boys in Alateen. It's a huge relief to share with others who know EXACTLY what you are dealing with. It will also help you figure out how you would like the rest of your life to look, given the fact that no alcoholic quits drinking before he or she is ready to.

wicked

Welcome to Sober Recovery!
I am sorry for the reason you are here, but you have found the best place for support here.
Thank you for sharing your story. I do understand how tough it is to "tell".
You have made that first tough step.

Beth

1newcreation

Wow! That's tough to hear. I'm also in same shoes as u...mine says she admits she has a problem, wants help, agrees to get a sponsor BUT when its time to go to a mtg or call one of the women to get help...nothing! So agravating I don't even bother loosing my serenity anymore. The only thing I can offer is you are powerless over people,places & things

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by posting, reading and venting as often as needed. We are here to support you.

I understand the desire to keep the truth of what life is really like behind closed doors a secret. I understand wanting everyone to believe that we were okay. I guess I wanted others to believe it because I wanted to believe it too.

Reaching out for support is not a betrayal of your alcoholic. Reaching out for support is a healthy step you take for yourself. Good on you!

I recommend spending time reading the permanent posts at the top of this main forum page. Some of our stories are there, and lots of wisdom from members who have already walked the path you find yourself on today.

Here is a link to one of my favorite posts. It contains steps that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Recovering2

There are not degrees or types of alcoholics. We like to categorize, but an A is an A. They may be at a different place on the continuum of the disease, but it ends the same without treatment. It is a progressive disease, so without treatment your AW will get worse. Sadly, we can't make them seek treatment. You'll hear bout the 3 C's a lot on here. You didn't Cause her alcoholism, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it. What you CAN do is protect your boys, and seek your own healthy path. Learn to lovingly detach from her behaviors. Find AlAnon for yourself, and Alateen for your boys.
Keep posting here, it will help you gain insight from others who have walked your path.

posiesperson

Welcome, DaddyWolf,

I'm happy for you that you found SR. I "hear" the upset and exhaustion in your post.

Like others have said, keep reading and posting. I think you will be amazed by the support and strength of the people you "meet" here. You are not alone.

Have you tried Alanon? It was (literally) a life-saver for me when I was in a similar place as you.

Keep coming back,
posie

bigsombrero

We had a similar dynamic in my family with "hiding things" from each other because they were too painful. It wasn't about drinking, actually, but it still caused confusion and undue stress. My sister had a baby a couple years ago, when she was born she was diagnosed with a severe heart defect. She needed surgery at 6 months old to correct it, and it was a very, very tricky surgery. 50% survival rate type stuff. When my sister found out that the previous boy who had that surgery died, she told me DO NOT tell my mom that info. Then my mom found out she had cancer and she said DO NOT tell my sister because the baby has this surgery and it would be too much for everyone to deal with.

So here I was, knowing two awful secrets. Sometimes when we try and protect each other, we actually put more stress on the situations. I hope you and your boys can be forthcoming with each other and get on the same team.

Welcome and I hope this forum helps!

FireSprite

Welcome & your first post was a great way to start seeking help for yourself. Part of the disease is the secret keeping, so many of us can relate to feeling that we are betraying the A's in our lives by sharing here. I hope you stick around & keep reading!

DaddyWolf

Thank you! Everyone! For the welcome, support and direction.

Most of all the support!

I have such a mix of feelings right now... relief that you have listened and replied.. but also a real ache... I have not recognized how isolated I really have allowed myself to become.

Most sincerely,
Thank You!

DreamsofSerenity

This is an anonymous place so you are not betraying her in any way. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is so confusing, painful, and dangerous to one's state of mind, that NO ONE should have to go through it alone. I'm not sure what would have happened to me without Al Anon and SR. I was becoming as sick as he was.
I'm glad you reached out to people on SR. It's the best thing you could have done for everyone involved.

CeciliaV

DaddyWolf, I'm sorry you're going through this. The roller coaster of emotions is hard to navigate without feeling downright sick. And it's no surprise that we isolate ourselves - who really wants to show and share with the outside world how much pain they are in?! I feel your pain and your heartache, and I too am so tired. Just know that you're not alone in this, no matter how isolated you feel right now. Sending you strength & hugs.

luv2teachkids

I hadn't realized how isolated I had allowed myself to become either until reading all the replies people sent to me. Some seemed harsh, others were very caring. YET all of them had the same thing in common, people were showing they cared. Sometimes it takes the truth to sober us up from the denial we have been in. For me, I have (and really am still) in this stage of thinking he has it in him to change. He keeps telling me he is going to and I keep hoping. The constant cycle of hoping then being disappointed has put me in a place of denial and isolation.

I am glad you found SR. I'm glad I did too! Keep posting

mrschoices

The alcoholic's main job is to recover. That has to be first.
I wish you the best as you embark in this journey of your own recovery.

Robh850

Same thing I was going through with my RAW. Go to Al-Anon..you don't even have to talk, just listen.

Hang in there.