Mirage74

I just need to get this out there. I have a family member that is so toxic to me I don't know what to do. They anger me so much it is about to make me go crazy. They get under my skin so badly, they know they do, and they do it on purpose (I feel like). I really don't know what to do. I really think my relationship with this person is one reason I have a drinking problem. I have drank over this countless times, and it is amazing I am not drunk right now. Thanks to the fact that I am on day 5 and don't want to start over and to many of you on these boards.

Tonight I went to eat dinner with this person at their boy/girlfriends house (I want to keep this vague). This person was getting under my skin so badly while we were eating that I literally got nauseaus mid-meal and could no longer eat. I could not even get any more food down. I had to excuse myself and go outside (we were eating while watching TV) so I could throw up. I felt bad because I was at the friend's house and they had invited me over. Anyway, long story short, I am still nauseaus. This has happened before, and before I would have been drunk by now. But tonight, thankfully, I don't even want to drink. Partly because I don't even think I could keep it down, but even if I could, I don't really want to. I am so sick of drinking over my issues. But I don't know how to solve them, and I am worried they will eventually drive me back to the bottle. This person is just so toxic to me, I don't think they have my best interests at heart, and I am realizing that I think I despise them. Sorry for the rant

Anyway, how do you deal with people who you do not know how to deal with? Who make your skin crawl? Who make you want to go get drunk? Especially if they are close to you. I am at my wit's end. I don't know, at least I'm sober, I guess. I am just so disgusted and I have no where else to turn.

suki44883

Why do you deal with them at all? Toxic people have no place in my life. It doesn't matter if they are related or just close "friends." No one is worth destroying yourself over. If you are an alcoholic and you drink, you are destroying yourself. Don't give anyone that kind of power over you. You have choices.

MeSoSober

What she said.

FeenixxRising

Don't socialize with this person, move him/her out of your life as much as you can. I move all toxic people right out of my life. If they don't like it, tough. And the truth is they will never accept your descion to get away from them, so just let them be angry or whatever it is they feel--that's their problem, not yours. You shouldn't feel any guilt over it.

kizzie

Obviously, the ideal situation would be for you to cut this person out of your life completely, or at least not deliberately trap yourself in situations with him/her. Sometimes, though, that can't be done. I used to blame my husband's ex (an undiagnosed NPD) for a good deal of my drinking, and I couldn't cut her out of my life because my husband shares 50/50 care of their son.

BUT, keep this in mind: there is no straight line between this family member's aggravating presence in your life, and your picking up a drink. We drink to avoid an uncomfortable emotion, or more accurately, to replace an uncomfortable emotion with a pleasant one (the buzz). It requires no small amount of mental contortionism for the alcoholic to get from 'Man, am I angry/sad/happy/bored/whatever' to 'I need to get wasted,' but we are well-practiced in turning our brains into pretzels to get there!

In my dealings with my husband's ex, I have to practice cultivating detachment. It is not easy, and I often fail. These days, I'd rather throw up in the bushes over her than pick up a bottle over her. I won't give her that power.

I don't know the nature of your relationship with this family member, but you might get something out of reading up a bit on codependency. I'm not saying you're codependent - not at all. It's just that some of the books out there on it have good descriptions of detachment and how to achieve it.

I really do sympathise, Mirage. I have been there. ((hugs))

Bigndfan175

Why would you subject yourself to this person? My god take care of yourself first and stop hanging out with he losers pick the winners

Dee74

no one has the power to drive you back to the bottle, unless you let them.

I had to cut toxic people out of my life - if I couldn't do it literally, I did it figuratively.

D

Mirage74

Well, this person happens to be one of my parents, which is sad. I feel like most people get along well with their parents. I unfortunately do not. Parent, I should say, my other parent is deceased. It is just difficult to completely cut a parent out of your life.

Kizzie, thanks for your thoughtful response. I guess I should look into the detachment thing. I do find myself accidentally in situations where I am around them. It's just difficult to completely cut someone like that out of your life. What I want to do, and have done in the past, is confront them. But everytime I've done that it has accomplished nothing. They refuse to listen, I think because they don't want to. I actually want to cuss them out (that's me being really honest). Honestly, I think I would feel so much better if I did that. But I don't know, that's not such a great thing to do. I am just so angry at them, and when I get this angry, I always go drink. But, you are right, drinking is not solving anything, and it's just an excuse. As frustrated as I am, it's no reason to go pick up. Thanks again

Mizzuno

This relationship that you have with this person is detrimental to your mental health, from what i am reading. You get to choose your relationships with others. If he/she makes you so angry that you feel like drinking, then this person should not be in your life. It is your choice. No one can make you drink. No one can make you feel anything that you dont want to feel. Sometimes people do not get along, for whatever reason. Keep your guard up and stay away from the negativity. This is a good lesson for all of us. Its our choice to engage or not. This is a time for you ( all of us) to learn how to deal with people in a thoughtful sober way. Good stuff to learn. If you pick up, you are running from your problems. This will surface again. Stay strong. Keep talking. You can work through this.

( I have not spoken with my mother in 6 years. This is my choice. She is toxic and I can not have her in my life)

Dee74

I communicated with my parents by phone only for several years...it was necessary.

D

Bigndfan175

Mirage read my first blog entry and we can commiserate about crappy parents and share our expertinence strength and hope I essentially only choose to relate to my mother in a heathy environment and have set strict boundaries.

quitforme79

I have had to stop putting myself in situations with people like this. Some are friends. One is my father. One is my brother. We can only be a victim if we allow ourselves to be. Give yourself credit for not drinking and rethink spending time with these people. Your recovery should come first no matter what.