mrschoices

Can anyone provide any insight on why codependents can become so addicted to food, cigarettes, and other things? I'm having an awful time with cigarettes. Even though im miserable and isolated and look awful I can't seem to stop.
I'm an adult child too.
Thank you.

LifeRecovery

I have lived with codependency and an eating disorder most of my life (lots of recovery work for both). I always wanted to be the "good" girl so other outlets were not as appealing.

For me they both were a way that I did not feel. They both were a way that I "literally and figuratively" stuffed the emotions down so I did not have to feel.

Both have gotten better as I am learning to be as "good" to myself as I try to be to others.

I have said this a lot recently but one of my own slogans that I have been holding onto is self care is not selfish.

mrschoices

Yes. I know this has to do with self care. I am in a situation where I have no control over my own life; the alcoholics have complete control. I've done the steps, too. I don't know that I'll be able to stop smoking unless I get out from under. I'm also not sleeping.

I'm trying to get "out" but not being able to work, I'm stuck (purse strings). It's awful. I'm thinking of biting the bullet and going to a shelter today.

DreamsofSerenity

You sound like you are really struggling with everything right now. Give yourself a break.. They say cigarettes are one of the hardest addictions to quit. Have you tried eCigarettes? I know a bunch of people who have changed to those successfully. Hugs to you...

LifeRecovery

Can you tell us a bit more about this? The lack of control, and the options you are trying to decide about. I ask because often when I am in the worst of it I have the poorest perception and I struggle to see what is right in front of me (but someone else can).

Also for me my self-care items are hardest to manage when I am the most stressed. Food behaviors can still at times resurface when I am in a hard spot. This is not to excuse those behaviors but for me it has become a signal of how stressed I am.

SparkleKitty

I know that when I was trying to make some major lifestyle changes a couple of years ago, I set my expectations at a ridiculous level at the beginning. I was to quit smoking, start eating right, and exercising all on the same day. As you can imagine, it did not work. And the failure, which could have been predicted, set me back.

When I focused on one thing at a time, and made changes in small stages, I was successful. I have been off cigarettes for over a year and a half now, and am ten pounds down from where I was when I quit. Making reasonable, very small, and, most of all, ACHIEVABLE goals made all the difference.

Hitting my achievements, however small, also made a great difference in my outlook. I was able to made to make better decisions and see more positive possibilities for myself. And when challenging circumstances arose, I handled them a lot better because my confidence in myself was stronger.

I wish you strength and luck in making your own positive changes!

posiesperson

Hi mrschoices,

If you need to get to shelter for basic life supplies and safety, then I would suggest that tending to those sorts of needs right now is a good first step. We can't take care of that other stuff until we have a roof over our heads, food and a basic sense of safety. I'll bet there are staff at the shelter who can help you to get that in place for yourself and then you'll have a much better platform for working on the smoking issue.

Just a suggestion, and wishing you some peace today. Keep coming back~
posie

mrschoices

Thank you all.
Basically I was told I was the "problem" at a young age and my parents' marriage came back together to "fix" me. I have been shamed ever since then and of course Ive recreated my family role over and over in my own adult life not knowing what i was doing, inviting in aggression from others around me. I am also ruthlessly hard on myself, as my parents are on me. I learned anything BUT self-care.

I want to make it clear I'm not a victim; Im trying to find my way out.

About 5 years ago I didn't know any of this as it had been very well hidden and I was in denial. But The truth has a way of forcing us to listen. I started not sleeping and feeling exhausted. I couldn't work anymore and started depending on my father's financial support. He rents an apartment for me which I live in alone. I went on SSDI and i get enough to pay bills and eat.

My exhaustion and depression brought me to the 12 steps which took me out of denial. But the exhaustion never stopped because I never left this apartment because Im too exhausted TO work. you see? I'm stuck.

The price I pay back for allowing my narcissistic parents to support me is that I have to do, be and say everything they demand I do, be and say. The danger is that my honesty is all I have and its where i found God and I'm prostituing my true self away for a roof over my head. i roommate situation is probably not a good situation for me right now as most folks dont understand recovery nor can i qualify for one financially. I'm looking for a rooming house but there aren't many. A shelter is an option too.

I do sleep a little better sometimes when I'm not smoking and it may be enough sleep to stay here and get back to work but Im not sure. And I'm not sure if i can quit and stay quit while in this anger and stress, long enough to save up earnings and get "out from under." i wonder if im just making excuses for not quitting smoking or if i really do need some relief from this horrendous family/living situation first.

Basically I don't know what order things need to be done in. So I sit here stuck, literally dying physically, barely existing emotionally.

LifeRecovery

Mrschoices-

Your screen name and what you wrote seem at such odds with each other this morning.

You are in a very tough spot, but I bet there are some choices you do have in this mix, that you can do, just for today to make it better. Will it fix all of it, no, but it is progress not perfection.

I sat a long time feeling like if I could not clean it all up, it was not worth even starting. That is black and white thinking that continues to get me into trouble. I suspect you can not get out of five years (or more) of bad habits today, but I started to get better when I saw that I could do just one thing. That helped me to be present, mindful even and it gave me a foundation to build on.

Maybe that is going to a meeting (or a different type of meeting...I am not sure which 12Steps you did). For me the first step was getting a counselor, and meetings came later. Maybe it is not even straight "recovery" types stuff. Sometimes self-care that is hard for me is even more basic then that. I am embarressed about how hard brushing my teeth has been for me over the years, especially during times of stress. Sometimes it was about setting a MD appointment (or a dentist) and being honest about what was going on when I went.

I am not saying those have to be your options but I spent a long time on the hamster wheel waiting to get off until it was all fixed....the small moments I took off helped me to develop new "sight" and new muscles.

mrschoices

Yes. Black and white thinking. Also, codependents find it hard to find answers. All I can do is one thing for today.
I asked myself this morning, which is the better thing first? Going to a shelter and being without a home, or being without cigarettes and giving that my all?

I wrote a 10th step on it and saw again how good being smoke free could be. So that's what I'm giving a try. I have one left (fear!) I already threw away all the coffee in the house, as they go hand in hand.

Thanks for your friendship. I hope you have a nice night.

mrschoices

Oh. Also, I have enough Alanon tools to start putting them to better use with parents. I realized that I can be honest and be my true self (which often means saying nothing) and if they strip me of shelter I'll be ok. All I have to do is follow principles and God will take care of me.
Another thing I tend to do is forget to see my progress with this and I have made some.
It's all about being honest and trying to live guilt-free and as pure as I can.

wicked

mrschoices,
You have made some good progress! It is tough to quit cigarettes, I smoked for 35 years! They stopped tasting good after they put in that stuff that put them out automatically. Yuck. Maybe a supportive group for people who are trying to quit smoking?
Having a major depressive disorder myself, i understand how it sucks. Are you taking any medications?

Beth

LifeRecovery

I have never drank coffee or smoked so I can only imagine how hard that would be.

Good for you though for breaking it down and seeing some of your choices.

I know when i give up my coping mechanisms sometimes my feelings get even stronger. Hang in there if that happens to you.