Bewilderment

This is my 2nd post, this forum is really helping me understand this tragic thing called addiction.

I would like to find out more about the Alcoholic/Substance Abuser's thoughts & emotions regarding those that love them.

It is not a judgement, I really want to understand. Do they even know that they are hurting us? Is it ever a thought for them? Do they care?

Are we just making it easy for a User when we say 'oh, they aren't even capable of those thoughts', or are they truly incapable of having them?

And how do they feel when we leave?

If you have thoughts about this (from either side- the User or the ones that love them), will you please share them?

RightLAine

My mom died 2 years ago today from acute liver failure due to heavy drinking for many many years. I do not have one sober memory of my mom. Growing up was really hard for my brother & I. I went through many stages of feeling angry, sad, resentful. I always wondered why she chose to drink instead of raising her two kids. Now here I am 28 years old with 2 kids of my own and struggling with my own issues of alcohol abuse. My mom loved us I know she did. But she chose to drink and to continue to drink until it killed her. In the beginning she could have stopped it (that's what I am tyring to do) but towards the end she couldnt stop if she tried. Alcohol consumed her. So I dont think I really answered your question but I know that alcoholism and addiction to other things can be very powerful that is why it scares the hell out of me

TorontoGuy28

I cared, and I knew my behavior was hurtful. Despite my best intentions, I could not stop drinking on my own... Most of us cannot.

The remorse/guilt of the next morning was unbearable....

That has been my experience.

hypochondriac

There weren't many people around me when I was drinking but I do feel bad about a couple of people who were indirectly effected by my drinking, mainly by my indifference to them. My drinking was always the number one priority. Of course you couldn't say 'I don't want to spend time with you because I'm drinking' so I made frequent excuses to push people away. I would rather be alone than with people who were going to criticise me. I don't think you can lump addicts into one group and even say the word 'they' though. Some people are addicts and a complete arse. For sure addiction causes people to do or say things they wouldn't otherwise but it is not an excuse for everything.

phebe

I'm sorry to hear about your mom..

I'm scared too RightLaine

Lost3000

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I quit 15 months ago.

I honestly didn't know, how much I was hurting my husband. The thought of hurting him did matter to me, but I couldn't stop, I was very ill.

Nattythreads

Bewilderment

The life of an addict is one of selfishness and self absorption. We're full of anger, excuses, blame-casting and "why me"s.

We see the hurt we cause but we're able to block that out with another "you've no idea what I'm going through" self-pitying justification. We'll ruin our kids and refuse to believe that anything we've done is at the root of their behavioral problems. We'll destroy our friendships through lashing out at their inability to help us emotionally, financially or any other -lly. We'll crush our marriages and relationships by exerting extreme mental torment on those we love.

And all the time we're hurting because we know deep down that we're the ONLY ones that are responsible for the whole mess.

Some us realize in time to stop destroying others lives and their own. Some of us leave it too late and the damage in our current circumstances is irreparable.

Then we can only hope that it's never too late and make a concerted effort to change it all. And then just maybe we can help some others avoid what we became and what we did.

Never feel guilty about leaving, Bewilderment. You can't change anyone. The only ones that can help us are ourselves.

All strength to you

NT

fantail

I never caused too much pain while drinking because I don't have a partner or children, so no one depending on me for anything (except work, and that I did manage to handle). I had a few boyfriends, who either drank a lot themselves or were just annoyed by me from time to time. I did embarrass myself often, though. And at least there, the mechanism that I experienced was that I would be ashamed and drink to drown the shame which would of course lead to more shame.

I think in my case, since the drinking began before emotional commitments, I was in the clear. I never got into any situations where I would be asked for more than I could give as an active alcoholic. I chose booze over a few potential relationships.

I guess maybe the difference is when you have the relationships first and then develop the habit. I could see then how the same shame spiral would kick into gear. Also, and I experienced this with work and trying to quit, the physical side of the addiction sometimes makes it really hard to quit. As in, "I have this really important presentation to give, I can't be shaking and going through withdrawal." And then of course once you've got a little in your system you'll keep seeking. The short term needs sometimes mess up the long term goals.

Bewilderment

Thank you all so much for sharing. I respect you who have fought through your addictions and also have the courage to post about it.

I'm trying hard to understand why he (or anyone else) does these things, it is difficult to wrap my head around.
I don't believe Addicts are bad people. For me, gaining some understanding helps to fill the hole that has developed inside me from this. It is going to hurt for a long time, but people on this board are really helping me understand and hopefully get through it.
I am still going to worry about my XABF, but I'm trying to detach from it.

Anna

"Do they know or care how much they hurt us?"

We are individuals, not a group that all acts and feels the same. Of course, I cared enormously about my family and still do.

I hope you can focus on yourself and your recovery.

Impurrfect

((Bewilderment)) - People who aren't A's will never be able to wrap their heads around what goes on in the mind of an A. It's like someone here posted - a man can't truly know what it's like to be pregnant, give birth.

I'm both an RA and a recovering codie. Yes, I did know that I was hurting the people who love me, but my reaction was just to use more and not think about it.

I have loved ones who are still active. Though I basically know what is going on in their heads, it doesn't mean I have to subject myself to their actions. I can't physically distance myself from one of them, but I can step back, allow them to deal with their consequences and make it clear that I am NOT the person who can fix them.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Mrbeagle

You can't really lump us all in to one category, but for me, it hurt so much every time I lied, manipulated etc to get drunk. So much so that the next day would often be spent feeling so down and depressed it was difficult to function.

The problem with addicts is that, firstly, we are addicted, and secondly, we cannot see past getting our next fix, because that brings us 'normalcy', it helps us 'function'. See it as if you needed food so bad that you were about to starve, that's always how alcohol has felt to me. It takes over and everything comes to revolve around whatever the drug of choice is.

I love my family and close ones so much, but it didn't stop me hurting them. Given my time again would I do the same thing? Hell no, it took everything away from me, i'm lucky that my family have stuck around.

P.S - great post Impurrfect

least

I knew I was hurting my kids and hated myself for it but still couldn't stop on my own. I did care, but the pull of the addiction was stronger than my caring.

Hevyn

I was usually oblivious to how much my personality changed when I drank. I couldn't believe I was capable of saying the hurtful things I apparently did. I loved my family dearly and would never have intentionally caused them pain.

Tuffgirl

Well, worrying and detaching kind of contradict each other.

It's one thing to care from a distance while living your own life. It's another thing to allow someone to rent space for free in your head, in such a way that effects your daily goings-on.

Interesting that folks on this thread talk about not being aware they were hurting others while they were using. I realize now that I was hurting others by being so wrapped up in my A's life - simply through neglect of the other relationships around me. Especially my daughters. I was enmeshed in the effort of trying to control and force change. I was worrying to the point of it taking over my thoughts. That isn't healthy either.

RDBplus3

Bewilderment,
I highly suggest watching the video, 'Pleasure Unwoven'. It will explain why we addicts act and think like we do. It does NOT excuse the behavior. In fact, it explains exactly why we MUST REMAIN COMPLETELY SOBER, for any chance at recovery. You can do a web search and buy it online, or you can watch it for free on youtube. Here is the link, which was provided to me by BackToSquareOne.

Pleasure Unwoven Full Movie Documentary by Kevin McCauley - YouTube

SoberKnitter

I, for one, know exactly how much pain I have caused. I knew it at the time. But the next day, I would always think that I will drink, but be careful not to get too drunk, or I'll drink and make sure I don't drive, or I'll lock myself in the house and not talk to anyone... whatever. I seemed to always be apologizing, and I always meant it.

I'm done apologizing. It means nothing if I'm still drinking. Actions are what matter. When I've got a year clean and sober, I'm going to apologize to everyone again, and I think it will be more meaningful to them.