millieh

Hi everyone...
I have always been an anxious person, some things provoke it more than others. My main problem caused by this anxiety is that I will have great worry about things that have not even happened yet. I predict the future and it looks grim and always predict the worst.
So, today, my alcoholic boyfriend (who is in recovery as of four months ago, has a sponsor, and has been diligently attending meetings) started a new job. He is very limited in what he can do as he does not have a license from prior DUI's so of course he got a job in the restaurant industry. Honestly, he didn't try very hard to get a job. He did a lot of 'online searches' and hardly ever hit the pavement to search for a job. I finally drove him into the city so he could walk around and find a job, he walked into once place and that is where he started today.
Anyway, he had his mind set up that he was going to ONLY serve, NOT bartend. He even had it planned out how he was going to turn down the boss or owner if it was requested he work behind the bar. He know that his sponsor will cease sponsoring him if he does bartend...serving is tricky enough as the place is more upscale and serves alcohol!
So, he texted me not long ago saying that the owner wants him to bartend as he is fully staffed with servers. I asked him what his response was and OF COURSE he did not respond to me. I feel as though I already know the answer...he said 'sure'. Personally, I think that is a very dangerous choice, his sponsor feels the same way.
I can not stop worrying about this, and I have my response perfectly planned out. When I pick him up from work and he tells me that he is in fact going to bartend and gives me a million excuses why it is 'okay' I will simply respond "I can not support that decision; therefore, I will not be driving you to and from work at any time so long as you are bar tending."
I think this is the best response...I don't feel there is anything more or anything less I can do.
Any responses are appreciated!
Thanks in advance!

Hammer

It is that risk thing. Addicts, Alcoholics, and the rest of the mess just do not seem to get the cost of risk.

As far as the Food Service goes -- last I looked both McD AND Taco Bell are hiring.

Not that they do not have drugs, etc., there.

But OH YEAH -- You get YOU out of the mess.

Florence

millieh, if you're driving him to work based on what kind of job he has, I'd already say you're in codependent territory.

My AH used to work in high end restaurants -- it was his career. There was nothing keeping him from drinking if he wanted it. There was booze in the kitchen, behind the bar, in front of the bar, before and after work, and booze for the customers. The only thing that will guarantee he doesn't drink is his firm commitment to not drinking. I'd say that a guy who is firmly committed to not drinking probably isn't going to go into bartending.

Instead of fighting about a specific thing, like whether or not you'll give him a ride or whether or not this is the right job for him, you might take a step back and let him have his own battles, and then determine for yourself whether this is a rollercoaster you want to be strapped into. Al-Anon is a great place to do that. Or here on SR, or in personal counseling.

wicked

I think this is an excellent response. Hold that line. You can do it!

Beth

millieh

[QUOTE=Florence;3875583]The only thing that will guarantee he doesn't drink is his firm commitment to not drinking. I'd say that a guy who is firmly committed to not drinking probably isn't going to go into bartending.

Florence, thank you. I feel that same way. Yeah I am definitely walking the 'fine line' of codependency, I can not let myself go back there again...I am scared, however, that I already have let it.

I do support him in his recovery. What I have been doing is that every time he needs something I will provide it if it is reasonable so long as he is making right decisions...which he is...i guess.
What do you think about my doing this? I am not sure if that is helping or not? (helping both myself and him)

So, the restaurant industry...basically you are saying there really isn't a 'lesser evil"?
Like, I imaging that if he is calling his sponsor after each shift as a server and does not hang out after close ( I am sure the servers enjoy cocktails after work) it is better than if he were a bartender and people were offering to buy him shots constantly...however...i do FOR SURE see your point, if he were committed to sobriety he WON'T become a bartender.

Florence

millieh, I'm really not sure what it would look like to be an addict firmly entrenched in a using culture. I know that in my AH's case, he worked in the fine dining industry in part because of the heavy drinking culture and tolerance of drugs and alcohol. If he wanted to drink or get high on any given night, he had it at his fingertips. Also, because it's a cash industry, it was really easy for him to cover up his expenditure on drugs and alcohol. His addiction was nurtured in that environment.

People in early recovery notoriously have weird boundaries. It's understandable. But what I've learned is that I know my AH's drinking patterns from living with them for so long. I can see him falling off the wagon in slow motion long before he does. I no longer interfere -- I've just had to separate myself and the kids from him while he figures it out.

I've also learned that if it's confusing or doesn't make sense, it's probably because I don't have the full truth, and I probably don't have the full truth by his design. That's addiction.

As far as "helping," the standard we throw around here is that if any other grown adult could reasonably do it himself, you shouldn't do it for him. If providing him a ride to and from work is no skin off your teeth and you're happy to do it, go for it. If it's an emotional or literal burden, don't, and don't feel guilty about it. He's grown, grown people find non-car transportation every day.

LexieCat

I think that controlling what he does at his work is a dangerous, bad idea.

Are you going to police everything he does to make sure he does just what his sponsor suggests?

If you want to drive him, and it's easy for you to do, fine. If not, don't. But I STRONGLY suggest you not condition favors like that on what he is doing in his recovery program. Not your business. Let his sponsor deal with it.

Incidentally, I'm a recovered alcoholic, too. I would be livid if my partner controlled my recovery that way.

One more thing. If he wants to drink, he will drink, regardless of what his job is.

noanxtime

I agree with LexieCat. Trying to draw multiple lines in the sand on 'conditions' of his job and what you will or won't do to get him there - or not will drive you crazy and do nothing towards his sobriety.
For what it's worth, I was a bartender for a long time and never drank on the job as was a requirement for retaining my job. Not to say I didn't make up for 'lost time' when off the clock and away from the club or bar where I worked.
Maybe I reacted differently to temptation than your BF will or does. I was surrounded by gallons of booze that I could have sneaked or procured some how one way or another but I didn't. I needed the job and that won out at work anyways.
Good luck to you.

Recovering2

Your decision to drive or not, based on what he's being asked to do at work, is controlling. His recovery is his. It's not for you to decide what he should or shouldn't do. He can have those discussions with his Sponsor. Sounds like he's attending meetings, has a sponsor, is doing the work. Treat him like an adult. You have no control on what he does.

Work on your recovery, not his.

dandylion

Dear millieh, here is my thinking on this particular matter. He was already aware of the standard advice for recovering alcoholics---about triggers, environmental influences, etc. No doubt, he feel like he is the unique one that can "get by" with it. Newbies often feel very unique to the rest of "alcoholics".

Why not let him make his own decisions---and experience the consequences for those decisions. Your driving him or not driving him will not have influence on his drinking--he will do what he wants to do.

Now, if you don't want to drive him---you have a right to make your decisions also (of course). That is about you. Just don't overestimate the ability you have to control his drinking or not.

This is the way I look at it. Others may have a different take.

sincerely, dandylion

millieh

Hey you all. Thanks for the responses.

I'm under no impression that I can sway his decisions based on my actions. I'm only trying to keep myself from jumping back on that roller coaster. If I'm honest I probably shouldn't be driving him to work on a regular basis no matter what his job. It's not my responsibility but I suppose I make an excuse to do it because its 'helpful' and 'beneficial' to us both if he is making money working a steady job.
Trying to keep the responsibilities very separate at this point.
Also, it has been a trend in the past that he is in recovery then gets a job in the food industry only to relapse. Has happened twice. So I can not help to have that worry in the back of my head. However, I do acknowledge I need to learn how to better detach myself from all that negative thinking.

LexieCat

I found it helpful to stay as neutral as possible. On the balance beam, so to speak. If you rush to the extreme of unrealistic expectations, the emotional impact is greater if things don't go well; but if you are gloomily waiting for the other shoe to drop you can make yourself, and him, miserable. The more you focus on YOU, the less you focus on HIM, which is the best for both of you.

I don't mean to suggest that you can't tell him the idea of his bartending concerns you, and that it seems to concern his sponsor, as well, so maybe it is something he should think twice before doing. Having said that, though, let it go and leave it up to him. The problems arise when you harp on it, or when you say things like, "If you don't do what your sponsor says I won't drive you to work."