10 things she [not the alcoholic] hates about me [her daughter]
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 13
10 things she [not the alcoholic] hates about me [her daughter]
1. She hates me for confronting her on not protecting her children when we needed her most
2. She hates me for being a living reminder for how ****** up her life is
3. She hates me because I am not perfect and slip at times
4. She hates me because I didn't make it home on time to take our dead sick dog to the vet, yet my brother could've done the same
5. She hates me for having these strong feelings about the whole dysfunction in our so called family
6. She hates me for mentioning when I see other people who are happy and envy them
7. She hates me because she doesn't know how to love me
8. She hates me for telling her that she wouldn't have had a stroke if it weren't for him
9. She hates me for hating him
10. She hates me because she doesn't know any better
I don't hate her, and know that she doesn't truly hate me, but there has never been love either. No hugs, no 'i love you', no 'im proud of you', no 'remember when we did x when you were a child..'....none of those things.
I currently have to live with her but feel that I need to separate myself from her, she's just as poisonous as he was, although she was the victim.
I told her I don't remember a single thing from my childhood, but I do remember the times when he'd come home drunk and rape her, or the times when he'd kick us out and we'd sit on so many benches, or the times that I had to hide in the closet because otherwise he was going to direct his verbal insults at me, or the times when he threw objects at her, called her names etc.
WHY didn't she stop him? why does she blame me? why why why? Why is she protecting him?What did I do to deserve this even now that he's gone......
2. She hates me for being a living reminder for how ****** up her life is
3. She hates me because I am not perfect and slip at times
4. She hates me because I didn't make it home on time to take our dead sick dog to the vet, yet my brother could've done the same
5. She hates me for having these strong feelings about the whole dysfunction in our so called family
6. She hates me for mentioning when I see other people who are happy and envy them
7. She hates me because she doesn't know how to love me
8. She hates me for telling her that she wouldn't have had a stroke if it weren't for him
9. She hates me for hating him
10. She hates me because she doesn't know any better
I don't hate her, and know that she doesn't truly hate me, but there has never been love either. No hugs, no 'i love you', no 'im proud of you', no 'remember when we did x when you were a child..'....none of those things.
I currently have to live with her but feel that I need to separate myself from her, she's just as poisonous as he was, although she was the victim.
I told her I don't remember a single thing from my childhood, but I do remember the times when he'd come home drunk and rape her, or the times when he'd kick us out and we'd sit on so many benches, or the times that I had to hide in the closet because otherwise he was going to direct his verbal insults at me, or the times when he threw objects at her, called her names etc.
WHY didn't she stop him? why does she blame me? why why why? Why is she protecting him?What did I do to deserve this even now that he's gone......
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
Oh yes... I am with Bad Company...
to understand my real feelings I ran out my deepest feelings:
anger = rage
fear = terror
...but until i read your post I have not done this with hate.
So I tried it-
hate = loathing.
I cannot read my own dad [he's dead anyway] but i can read the dad within.
I can see the loathing as self-loathing. I was the most sensitive and most available and I became the object of that loathing.
Um, yes I applied the list you wrote to my dad, the alcoholic...
some of that i would have applied to my mum, but I mended a lot of that before she died.
Thanks for the share, Mia- real gutsy!
David.
to understand my real feelings I ran out my deepest feelings:
anger = rage
fear = terror
...but until i read your post I have not done this with hate.
So I tried it-
hate = loathing.
I cannot read my own dad [he's dead anyway] but i can read the dad within.
I can see the loathing as self-loathing. I was the most sensitive and most available and I became the object of that loathing.
Um, yes I applied the list you wrote to my dad, the alcoholic...
some of that i would have applied to my mum, but I mended a lot of that before she died.
Thanks for the share, Mia- real gutsy!
David.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
I could have written much of your post.
My mother seems to have incredibly negative feelings and beliefs about me. When I put the pieces together, I believe it's because I spoke up, when I was quite young, about things that were happening, and it was too scary to her, in 1972, to contemplate confronting him (he'd been hitting her since before they were married) or worse yet, divorcing and becoming a single mother. It was easier by far to dismiss what I said and brand me as a liar. Then, of course, as the years go by, it becomes steadily more important to believe that she was right, as the alternative is to see that she has only added exponentially to the abuse, by allowing it to continue and by smearing my name on top of it.
So much of this doesn't make sense until you fit together many little pieces, but it helped me to really understand that it was never about me or any failing in me. It was about an AF who couldn't control himself and a weak mother too afraid to look the truth in the face.
My mother seems to have incredibly negative feelings and beliefs about me. When I put the pieces together, I believe it's because I spoke up, when I was quite young, about things that were happening, and it was too scary to her, in 1972, to contemplate confronting him (he'd been hitting her since before they were married) or worse yet, divorcing and becoming a single mother. It was easier by far to dismiss what I said and brand me as a liar. Then, of course, as the years go by, it becomes steadily more important to believe that she was right, as the alternative is to see that she has only added exponentially to the abuse, by allowing it to continue and by smearing my name on top of it.
So much of this doesn't make sense until you fit together many little pieces, but it helped me to really understand that it was never about me or any failing in me. It was about an AF who couldn't control himself and a weak mother too afraid to look the truth in the face.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 127
My experience is that we don't tell others what they did wrong. We take care of ourselves. Amends is our job and that means taking responsibility for our part and that may mean making amends verbally or not verbally.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Ventura, CA
Posts: 10
Mia, I could have written the same thing. In fact, I'm crying as I write this as I relate so much to what you said. And I am crying as the words that everyone else wrote are words of comfort to me too. Espeically what BadCompany said, that I am going to print out in big letters and post on the wall next to my computer, "It's not about you, It's the crazy that she had going on before you came along. I know that's one of the hardest things to swallow in recovery but it's the truth."
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