Ram58

I'm 90+ days in this week and trying to remain positive. My wife discovered I was using money and cc to drink while traveling. I've always been an alcoholic. The more I drank the more awake I felt until I crashed. My drinking at nights at home got progressively worse. I could use any excuse to drink but stress at home with an LD 12yr, travel, work environment that became toxic and dysfunctional was really getting to me. 2yrs ago when my drinking went from fun to self medicating/escapism, I began to feel like my wife was no longer attracted to me (looking back, I was not attracted to me either). I confronted her about it and she denied it but I knew we were out of synch. I love her deeply for past 19yrs of marriage and she tried multiple times to confront me about my heavy drinking. It was 10x worse when I traveled. I got tired of drinking alone at hotels and local bars (worried I would run into staff from our home office when I was there in town - whiched tended to happen). I started going to strip clubs and drinking excessively. When ur depressed and an alcoholic, like to smoke, have money, feel unattractive to your spouse, these places are a disaster. The welcome you, girls come talk to you, guys will talk to you, you can be anonymous, you can drink and not be alone or be alone. I must have gone 30-40x over 2yrs when I traveled. I probably spent 20k. I bought strangers drinks, dancers drinks, paid to sit in the VIP sections. I sometimes found places to drink after they closed. It became a habit or a compulsion. I would go late at night when I was already drunk. I would take a cab or even drive. The more I went the more I drank and he more depressed I got. I had given up on jut about everything. I was lying / hiding about where I was when I was out to those places and bars till 2or3a. I put the expenses on our credit cards and she confronted me about it. I told her what. I was doing over several days. I went to see a dr b/c I was having health issues. I went to AA and have been sober since. I lost 20lbs and started working out. I'm trying to gain trust back with my wife and a 2nd chance. Still early in recovery and feeling depressed b/c she and I are not close anymore. She's been a huge support most of the time but the infidelity on my part is eating her up. I feel so bad about who I was and what I was doing. I've apologized repeatedly and have spent time seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. I don't want to rush things and know it will take time to heal for both of us. When we've fought about it I get panic attacks and sometimes can't breathe. I do not want to go back to drinking. I can't. It changed me as a person. I'm trying to be positive and not depressed but it is creeping in worse now than early on. It gets paralyzing. I workout to escape and still smoke. I have a difficult time at times moving forward with so much hurt in the past that is present everyday. It will get better, I know. Just thought I would share as a newbie.

ReadyAtLast

Welcome Ram,many congratulations on your 90 plus days

I'm at a similar sober stage and was feeling very down and depressed. I went to my doc and he prescribed something to help. I now feel so much better I just wish I'd gone sooner. I know it's not for everyone but maybe a visit to your doc can't do any harm. I 've also tried reading about positive thinking and NOW rather than my constant thoughts and regrets about the past and worrying about the future.

Richierich777

Remember the 12 steps or read the BB? Maybe a letter of what you are sorry for and really apologizing would be one of the steps? I know when I was ready to tell everyone I was sorry and it really came from my heart, man did that lift a lot from my chest. Again not in details, but admitting I had a problem to my family and then writing a letter and reading it in from of my family....did tell them I knew I had a problem and I was very sorry for not being there for them. Also I took action. It seems like you have the action and I'm proud for your 90 days. Just going up to my wife and saying sorry did not work the first time, but actually writing that stuff out and then I think they realized I was honest. Good luck and keep us posted!!

Dee74

Hi and welcome Ram
congratulations on your sober time

Try and not worry too much about your relationship - give it time...trust and forgiveness need time to bloom...you need to show your wife by your actions, not words that this is real and permanent...you've changed.

D