stella27

I am so saddened by my XAH's selfishness where our kids are concerned. I am disappointed that he doesn't want to watch our son's baseball game and that he can't place the child's needs in front of his own needs (whatever they may be).

I'm so tired of always being the bad guy. I'm also tired of jumping through hoops to ensure that the kids get a "relationship" with their dad. I put the word in quotation marks because it's not all that mutual. Sure he enjoys them, but if I don't make it easy for him, he either gets angry at me or opts out of participating.

And I know that I can't control the relationship they have. I have to allow the chips to fall where they will. I have to grant XH the DIGNITY and the RIGHT to make his own choices about HIS relationship with the children.

I am starting to see that once I am not MAKING LIFE EASY for XH, I am of no value to him, and furthermore, when the children aren't easy for him, THEY are of no value either. We are all objects to him.

In other words, when I get out of the way and stop interfering, the true facts can show up, and just because they hurt me (seeing how little these precious children mean to him), I can't try to salve MY discomfort through propping up a relationship that doesn't have much of a future if I am not involved.

In the last six months, I have taken major steps to become uninvolved. I moved 200 miles away. I don't talk to him except by email and only when we have a child-visitation issue.

I am merely seeing the natural consequences of getting out of the facilitator role. It is heartbreaking for my kids. They don't really see it, but I am seeing where this is leading and it's going to be tough.

Thanks for all your support.

dandylion

Stella27, Even if your husband doesn't maintain much of a relationship with his children down the line---don't forget that there are ways to compensate for this so that they can still thrive in life.

As the stable and present parent, you can provide an environment that is secure and predictable (predictability is very important to children). You can make sure that they have healthy people in their environment--healthy and nurturing family frfiends, neighbors, peers and other authority figures. Older relatives (male), male teachers, sports coaches, etc....are all a part of social learning and can compensate for those things that the biologic father doesn't provide. It may not be exactly the same---but, at least they don't have to be scarred by abandonment from a male figure.

I just thought that these thoughts might give you some comfort, right now. There actually are people who have grown up "without" a biologic father and been able to become whole and happy adults.

sincerely, dandylion

Florence

Everything that dandylion said. Also, as hard as it is, coming to terms with the fact that you have no control over the outcome of your ex's actions.

I spent many years resenting my ex and wishing things were different. Thanks to my experience with SR (my ex is not an alcoholic, but hey) I learned to detach from his behavior, expect nothing more than what I've always gotten from him (little), and live my life with my kids. His detachment from these kids is his loss. It's *HIS* loss. You're still here. Cherish those babies like they deserve.

my3sonsnme

Stella..how old are your kids?

I went through or am going through the same thing...I finally "gave up" and got out of the way a few months ago and it quickly went from bad to worse. It played out almost to the T how I thought it would.

We have gotten to the point were I have decided to move out of state to be closer to family...my son needs men in his life with will be examples of responsibility and true integrity. My brothers and uncles will give that to him. I am losing him as we stay here and watch all the destruction his father is creating.

I don't understand how these men can walk away from these kids and cut them out of there life like they are just some disposable piece of trash. Its hurtful but as they grow up and realize that you were there for them, it will all make sense. And I truly believe there will come a day that it hits them...that they realize how badly they screwed up..and then they will have to live with that.

just wanted to let you know your not alone...

stella27

My kids are 11 (boy), 10 (girl), and 5 (boy).

I did move out of town (200 miles) to a better community in part to get them away from XH's influence which was mostly bad and so that if I was going to be the only parent while he was their party-friend and buddy, I could at least have a chance at a decent life for myself.

Lately, I wonder if I should move to my home - which is 2 states away so that my children can have the benefit of my parents? They are not super lovey-dovey grandparents, but they are invested in my children and are positive influences.

Yeah, when we get out of the way, it's amazing how quickly the true colors start to shine through and it's not pretty.

Recovering2

If he's not putting any effort into truly being involved as a parent, moving closer to grandparents sounds like a great idea if you can afford to do it. You say they're invested in your children, what better influence than healthy grand parents. I know this is tough, but I read your posts and admire how well you're doing.