Would I stop letting him send me a-spinning all the fricking time!
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Would I stop letting him send me a-spinning all the fricking time!
I seriously have to stop feeling so vulnerable. STBX was visiting this week so first I distract myself with Mr. Biceps Hip-Hop Dude all week as though that's going to help anything right now 😼.
Then I really do keep my distance and notice that I can't even do eye contact with AH right now, even with the children looking on hopefully. Then he gets me spinning because he is telling the children that if their brother does poorly in school the judge could choose to send them all back to our house in America. Good way to motivate big brother to concentrate on studying for his exams. 😠
Then my girl gets mad at me for not buying some nail polish she wants and says that if I am mean to her she will do what daddy says and tell the judge that she wants to live with him 😡. To which I reply that I am her mother and that means I will be where she is living, no matter where that may be, and she can't get rid of me that easily.
Then I get this email from STBX on his way back across the seas, 'I met with my lawyer here who conferred with my lawyer in the U.S. I now feel much more confident with legal representation. I reviewed all the paperwork but was particularly distressed to see your lawyer's filings. They were full of false allegations. It is sad that you felt the need to go this far.'
Argh! I feel a cold chill pervade my soul when he takes on this hard personna. I swear, he's like the Harry Potter dementors. But I am also so fragile to immediately question my allegations. All morning I was asking myself whether I was misguided. Then I reread things and realize it is all pretty matter of fact and not crazy at all.
Why am I so afraid of him? I feel like he is always right even when he is wrong and like I am overly dramatizing when I am perfectly grounded and factual.
We have two court dates in April. One for the separation. The other because the prosecutor decided to make this a criminal case.
What should I do to prepare? My lawyer is always so busy and I just want someone to protect me. I know there's strength in me somewhere, but I just feel like a scared kid.
Then I really do keep my distance and notice that I can't even do eye contact with AH right now, even with the children looking on hopefully. Then he gets me spinning because he is telling the children that if their brother does poorly in school the judge could choose to send them all back to our house in America. Good way to motivate big brother to concentrate on studying for his exams. 😠
Then my girl gets mad at me for not buying some nail polish she wants and says that if I am mean to her she will do what daddy says and tell the judge that she wants to live with him 😡. To which I reply that I am her mother and that means I will be where she is living, no matter where that may be, and she can't get rid of me that easily.
Then I get this email from STBX on his way back across the seas, 'I met with my lawyer here who conferred with my lawyer in the U.S. I now feel much more confident with legal representation. I reviewed all the paperwork but was particularly distressed to see your lawyer's filings. They were full of false allegations. It is sad that you felt the need to go this far.'
Argh! I feel a cold chill pervade my soul when he takes on this hard personna. I swear, he's like the Harry Potter dementors. But I am also so fragile to immediately question my allegations. All morning I was asking myself whether I was misguided. Then I reread things and realize it is all pretty matter of fact and not crazy at all.
Why am I so afraid of him? I feel like he is always right even when he is wrong and like I am overly dramatizing when I am perfectly grounded and factual.
We have two court dates in April. One for the separation. The other because the prosecutor decided to make this a criminal case.
What should I do to prepare? My lawyer is always so busy and I just want someone to protect me. I know there's strength in me somewhere, but I just feel like a scared kid.
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I just went through a custody hearing and will probably have to have another. It is incredibly stressful. My XAH did what yours is doing and took it all out on my children. Telling them that I was breaking a contract and that he paid me a lot of money to "stay here" and that they could tell the judge where they wanted to live, etc., etc.
It's a crappy way to treat children, and we know that, but they are so unscrupulous. If we let them unsettle us with their "dementor" tactics (great parallel. Simply artful. So on the money), then they get what they want.
Keep your head on straight. Do what's best for your children. You know what that is. I pray for strength regularly. I will add you to my prayer list.
It's a crappy way to treat children, and we know that, but they are so unscrupulous. If we let them unsettle us with their "dementor" tactics (great parallel. Simply artful. So on the money), then they get what they want.
Keep your head on straight. Do what's best for your children. You know what that is. I pray for strength regularly. I will add you to my prayer list.
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Thanks, Stella!
If AH really wanted to be with the kids all the time, then he wouldn't have agreed to living overseas from them for the past year and a half. He just wants to win in court, I think. Or scare me. What that accomplishes really is beyond me. I think he wants to hear the children say that they would rather live with him. Even if he had never in 16 years of parenting had all the children for the night and offered me a break...
Stella, how did your lawyer prepare you for the hearing?
If AH really wanted to be with the kids all the time, then he wouldn't have agreed to living overseas from them for the past year and a half. He just wants to win in court, I think. Or scare me. What that accomplishes really is beyond me. I think he wants to hear the children say that they would rather live with him. Even if he had never in 16 years of parenting had all the children for the night and offered me a break...
Stella, how did your lawyer prepare you for the hearing?
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It may be hard to do but please remember that he has to protect himself too. Does it mean he didn't do what you say? Nope. He is facing a criminal case as well - he is going to fight.
Trust your attorney. I hope you researched and got a good one.
Trust your attorney. I hope you researched and got a good one.
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He threatened to finally 'get me' while coming at me and cornering me against a wall. The children were behind me in their room with the door closed but were screaming and crying. It was 7:30 am and they were woken up to this. He meant it. But when I told him to back away he thought about it, and ultimately let me escape. I ran and got the neighbors, shaking and terrified.
I filed a police report later, but opted not to make it a penal complaint when they asked.
But the court decided to set a date for a criminal hearing.
I filed a police report later, but opted not to make it a penal complaint when they asked.
But the court decided to set a date for a criminal hearing.
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I'm guessing, then it's either some kind of terroristic threat or criminal restraint charge.
Do you know if you will have to testify for this hearing on the criminal charge? Or is it just a preliminary hearing/possible plea negotiation? I hope you will reach out to the prosecutor or investigator or an advocate to find out what to expect at that hearing. Or maybe they have already told you. In the civil/matrimonial case you will have your own lawyer to explain everything, but sometimes it's harder to get info about what is going on with the criminal case.
This would be your opportunity to let the prosecutor know what you would like to see happen as a result. I'm betting that unless he has a prior criminal history, he will be offered probation, maybe with batterers' intervention and probably with a "no contact" condition. You might want to be sure they know about the alcohol issue--that can be a condition of probation, too.
Do you know if you will have to testify for this hearing on the criminal charge? Or is it just a preliminary hearing/possible plea negotiation? I hope you will reach out to the prosecutor or investigator or an advocate to find out what to expect at that hearing. Or maybe they have already told you. In the civil/matrimonial case you will have your own lawyer to explain everything, but sometimes it's harder to get info about what is going on with the criminal case.
This would be your opportunity to let the prosecutor know what you would like to see happen as a result. I'm betting that unless he has a prior criminal history, he will be offered probation, maybe with batterers' intervention and probably with a "no contact" condition. You might want to be sure they know about the alcohol issue--that can be a condition of probation, too.
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I will know more on Wednesday, as I just finally got an appointment with my lawyer.
I really didn't intend for things to get to this level. I dragged my heels about everything - the separation, the police report, the restraining order. But AH just kept on finding ways to threaten my sense of security and he is still at it. He has had so many opportunities to find help, or at least respect my limits.
Something in him seems to be seeking the negative drama and attention. It is really so needlessly destructive to all of us.
I wonder if there is anything the court could order him to do that would help him change his outlook and behaviors.
I really didn't intend for things to get to this level. I dragged my heels about everything - the separation, the police report, the restraining order. But AH just kept on finding ways to threaten my sense of security and he is still at it. He has had so many opportunities to find help, or at least respect my limits.
Something in him seems to be seeking the negative drama and attention. It is really so needlessly destructive to all of us.
I wonder if there is anything the court could order him to do that would help him change his outlook and behaviors.
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Batterers' intervention is supposed to do that. In a good program, they focus not on "anger management" but on controlling behaviors--since that is what is at the root of most domestic violence. This overwhelming urge to CONTROL the other person--and the violence is a threat to force compliance.
It may not make him into ex-husband of the year, but IF he benefits from it, it could make a big difference (oh, and quitting drinking should be part of that, too--along with a good AA program).
It may not make him into ex-husband of the year, but IF he benefits from it, it could make a big difference (oh, and quitting drinking should be part of that, too--along with a good AA program).
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I'm sorry to say that he got me spinning again today. I had a nice 4-day holiday with the children. I felt happy and strong. I have been learning how to do so many things on my own. And I am taking it day by day. And some days I am not completely overwhelmed by my situation.
Then I sat down this morning to organize this month's finances. Come to find out AH has redirected his income into an account of his own, leaving me enough for the rent and groceries and some change. I have 25 bills to pay this month (utilities, kids' lessons, healthcare, insurance, etc ) and I will have to pick 2.
The court ordered him to pay me a certain monthly amount and he has decided to leave half that in our joint account.
Next week we go to court. He will say how broke he is. In the meantime he refuses to get a housemate to share our very large house with him because he says he makes to much income to share 3400 sq ft.
The thing is, these little financial scares confuse me, give me lots of work, and make me very anxious.
What happens in a case like this? Why is he doing this to me/us? How can I best respond in court? I start getting my groove back, and ker-pow! I am knocked down again!
Then I sat down this morning to organize this month's finances. Come to find out AH has redirected his income into an account of his own, leaving me enough for the rent and groceries and some change. I have 25 bills to pay this month (utilities, kids' lessons, healthcare, insurance, etc ) and I will have to pick 2.
The court ordered him to pay me a certain monthly amount and he has decided to leave half that in our joint account.
Next week we go to court. He will say how broke he is. In the meantime he refuses to get a housemate to share our very large house with him because he says he makes to much income to share 3400 sq ft.
The thing is, these little financial scares confuse me, give me lots of work, and make me very anxious.
What happens in a case like this? Why is he doing this to me/us? How can I best respond in court? I start getting my groove back, and ker-pow! I am knocked down again!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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He will probably get in trouble for not paying the amount the judge told him to pay.
The judge based that amount on something when he ordered it, and it's not your or the children's problem how he comes up with it.
What court is hearing this? An American court or a foreign one?
The judge based that amount on something when he ordered it, and it's not your or the children's problem how he comes up with it.
What court is hearing this? An American court or a foreign one?
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In Europe. We are residents here, and I have a European passport.
People follow the rules hereabouts. It is very unexpected that AH would think to do otherwise. I can't imagine why after conferring with lawyers that he wouldn't go along with a court order...
People follow the rules hereabouts. It is very unexpected that AH would think to do otherwise. I can't imagine why after conferring with lawyers that he wouldn't go along with a court order...
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I would bring this up in court:
Then I sat down this morning to organize this month's finances. Come to find out AH has redirected his income into an account of his own, leaving me enough for the rent and groceries and some change. I have 25 bills to pay this month (utilities, kids' lessons, healthcare, insurance, etc ) and I will have to pick 2.
Then I sat down this morning to organize this month's finances. Come to find out AH has redirected his income into an account of his own, leaving me enough for the rent and groceries and some change. I have 25 bills to pay this month (utilities, kids' lessons, healthcare, insurance, etc ) and I will have to pick 2.
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sounds like the "your not the boss of me" game...played by immature A's everywhere
Hang in there, and good luck when court comes!
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