NCgirl7

Hello

So I posted a few months back about my boyfriend being an alcoholic. We had gotten in a big fight in November and split for 2 weeks.

I took him back with the promise that he would start *TRYING*

He did start trying, and I noticed a difference in his personality that he wasn't so edgy. I didn't smell alcohol on him as often, and for my own sanity, I more or less distanced myself emotionally from his drinking and explained to him that it wasn't my body he was poisoning, it was his own, and explained that he didn't answer to me, he answered to himself.

As of recent, he got laid off. Hes very tight for cash and long story short he stole 10 dollars from me to buy booze. Obviously being I'm a woman- of course I found out. That was the final straw. I pretty told him I needed space and needed to figure stuff out. I knew this hurt him horribly and he did pay me back, but it was the bigger issue at hand that I was concerned about. In the end, I told him I loved him, but wanted a future with him, and the way he was going it wasn't going to happen so that I needed to leave.

He was pretty upset as he sat on the phone hyperventilating with tears. It was the hardest thing I had to do. 30 minutes later, he called me back and said he was going to rehab and that he refused to let this disease take away more then it already has from him. I was happy as ever to hear this, this is what I wanted to hear, but I needed him to make the decision on his own. He then did something I NEVER thought he would do and told EVERYBODY- our friends, his family, all about his problem. I never thought in a million years he would come out and tell everybody and as his gf, my phone continued to blow up the entire day with everybody being supportive and letting me know they wanted to help in any way they could. It was actually pretty awesome.

With that being said, he is currently in the hospital detoxing. He went to his second AA meeting tonight and will be on withdrawal medication when he gets out of the hospital. He will then be moving back home with his parents for awhile because he lives with 2 of his friends, and we are afraid the temptation will be there. He is also going to be attending an outpatient program at the hospital after detox.

Where I need advice is- does anyone know what I can expect? Im a little nervous that hell come out different or act different. He told me on the phone tonight that he thinks he needs to find some new friends, because the ones he has aren't good for him. I told him I agreed, as much as I like his friends, they do drink a lot. How do I be supportive as his girlfriend at this time? I'm nervous AA will tell him he doesn't have time for relationships, but this man is my best friend and I have been supporting him from Day 1 of our relationship, so I'm praying thats not the case. Obviously, I want his main focus to be himself, but I want to help him through this- and at this point, I got him this far (well, ultimately HE got himself this far, I dont want to take credit for his amazing decisions, but I played a role) and I'll be damned if I'm gonna give up on him now, I want to be there. I'm trying so hard to keep my fear hidden from him over the phone, but its def there. For the first time, I'm overthinking everything I say to him because I want to say all the right things, but I know I need to just calm down and treat him like I always have. Is there anyone out there who has had a loved one go through this? what should I expect? how should I act? Should I talk to him about it or wait for him to talk to me about it?

Thanks in advance if anyone can help

PS. He is 27, I'm 28

Coldfusion

My wife went through what you're going through.

It sounds as if you both love each other very much, and you both understand that sobriety is a major force in your relationship. Sure he'll be different, I hope you're looking forward to that. If he is saying things like he wants to find new friends, that sounds really good.

There may be some resources available to you at his detox program, and there is always Al-Anon--there's more info in the Friends and Family section.

DreamsofSerenity

I'm very happy for you that he seems to be taking his recovery so seriously, but I think for your own good, you need to let go of all thinking you have any control whatsoever over his drinking. Overthinking what you say to him now seems a like a step backwards for you. Don't forget that your detachment and willingness to let him go helped get him into rehab in the first place. IMHO, continuing with that great attitude of detachment you had before he went into rehab is the best thing you can do for both of you.

LexieCat

Well, there are some hopeful signs here--the biggest being that he went out and told people. That's actually a sign of some surrender on his part (I'm speaking as a recovered alcoholic). He's got a long ways to go and anything can happen, but only time will tell.

AA is not going to encourage him to break up a longstanding relationship--the suggestion you hear most often is not to start a NEW one for the first year or so. HOWEVER, he really will have to focus on his recovery as the most important thing in his life for the first several months, at least (actually it will need to be the #1 priority for the rest of his life--it just won't be so time consuming after a while). So don't expect things to be "normal" in terms of how much time you spend together or how much attention you get from him. This WILL balance out later--but in the meantime, the best thing you can do is take advantage of this time to continue to focus on your own recovery.

What he does about friendships and all that are for him to work out, with the help of his sponsor and other people in AA. Not your job to advise or recommend or disapprove.

The most supportive thing you can do is to encourage him to rely on the people who know best what he is dealing with--other sober alcoholics. And just be aware of the fact that the first few months of sobriety the alcoholic is still getting his marbles back, emotions will be all over the place, so be as patient as you can with that--without sacrificing your own self-interest. You should not be a doormat, but just keep up the detachment so you can continue to do what's best for yourself.

Hope things work out! Keep taking good care of yourself, and no matter what he does, YOU will make out OK.

Recovering2

The best thing you can do for him is to focus on your own recovery, and not his. If he's successful, he WILL come out different. That's a good thing. But it takes adjustment on both your parts. When my BF first came out of treatment, we were both on eggshells. I had to let go of my expectations that we would talk about his recovery and plan how to deal with it together. It's not my recovery...it's his. It took him a few months to settle in and start to share with me. So I left him alone, just was grateful that he was sober and we were getting along. I attended AlAnon twice weekly, read everything I could, and kept my focus on me. He continues to work on his recovery. As we both healed, it became easier between us.

I wish you both the very best.

NCgirl7

Thank you guys so much for the advice. I really do appreciate it.

I think you are all very right- this is his recovery, not mine. I have done well with the whole detachment of the alcoholism. I will do whats best for me, but at the same time, I dont want to have one foot in the door and one foot out. I often feel like thats how I am (in general when it comes to any kind of relationship) and I often hear from people that they feel like they care about me more then I do about them, which isn't true, I'm just guarded.

Still, although its not true, thus far it has worked so I will keep on doing that and try not to think so much and take things one day at a time.

Thank you again!