confused
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: north royalton
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confused
Ive been posting on here often to help vent and get advice. My AEF and I have been talking on and off...i went over to talk to him the other night and i wrote down all of my feelings so that i would be sure to mention everything i had to say. He said that he feels as though he doesnt NEED to stop drinking he drinks a few beers after work everyday ( ( 5 days week) and then usually more on the weekends. He says that he doesnt feel as thought he is a bad person, he didnt treat me bad or didnt pay our bills or didnt do chores around the house b/c of drinking. Which is true he still did everything he needed to do. He said that if he was a drunk that got wasted everyday and that wasnt going to work or paying his bills and being responsible that then he would get help but he feels as though he is okay. And i was like you want to be just "okay"? the rest of your life? Why wouldnt you watn to be "great" and have a "great" life with me? And he really had nothing to say.....I'm just so confused. I have gone no contact for awhile and then slipped up. When i tallk to him or text him i instantly get happy...its crazy. He's the love of my life...he never abused or yelled or anything at me when he drinks he's not a mean drunk at all. HE just falls asleep when he drinks, which to me is annoying. My heart is telling me to be with him but my mind just wants him to stop drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I can only tell you my experience. I spent over 20 years with a man who didn't hit me, worked, was a master at handling financial stuff. However, he often fell asleep early in the evening from drinking, also could get quite nasty verbally when he crossed that line from "happy drunk" to obnoxious.
Long story short, I turned into a raging codie (codependent), walking on eggshells and trying to do whatever I could to keep HIM happy. I developed my own addiction (most do not do this, I did) to deal with his inability to see how *I* was the love of his life.
Years later, I'm in recovery for both addiction and codependency. He is married to someone who made MY codependency look like nothing. I initially thought "OMG, why didn't he marry ME? Why wasn't I good enough".
Thanks to the great people here, I soon realized that she can have him. There's no way I would deal with him, the way I am today.
My XABF didn't think he had a problem. As far as I know (we have mutual friends, though I haven't seen him in years) he STILL doesn't think he has a problem I mentioned that "I always wanted to fix him" and my friends said "oh, trust us...he STILL isn't fixed".
Another mutual friend once told me "you're settling for the crumbs that he gives you. Do you have any idea how great your life could be if you didn't settle? If you went after all that you want?"
*I* deserve a good life, so do you. Just because he doesn't beat you or do other things that some alcoholics do, doesn't mean he won't turn into that person. Maybe think about what life is going to be like in several years if things don't change? You can't change him, that's up to him. The only person we can change is us.
FWIW, it took me a looooong time to get to this point. We get that. Please keep reading and posting.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Long story short, I turned into a raging codie (codependent), walking on eggshells and trying to do whatever I could to keep HIM happy. I developed my own addiction (most do not do this, I did) to deal with his inability to see how *I* was the love of his life.
Years later, I'm in recovery for both addiction and codependency. He is married to someone who made MY codependency look like nothing. I initially thought "OMG, why didn't he marry ME? Why wasn't I good enough".
Thanks to the great people here, I soon realized that she can have him. There's no way I would deal with him, the way I am today.
My XABF didn't think he had a problem. As far as I know (we have mutual friends, though I haven't seen him in years) he STILL doesn't think he has a problem I mentioned that "I always wanted to fix him" and my friends said "oh, trust us...he STILL isn't fixed".
Another mutual friend once told me "you're settling for the crumbs that he gives you. Do you have any idea how great your life could be if you didn't settle? If you went after all that you want?"
*I* deserve a good life, so do you. Just because he doesn't beat you or do other things that some alcoholics do, doesn't mean he won't turn into that person. Maybe think about what life is going to be like in several years if things don't change? You can't change him, that's up to him. The only person we can change is us.
FWIW, it took me a looooong time to get to this point. We get that. Please keep reading and posting.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Wow, GREAT post, Impurrfect!! As a raging codie myself, I identified with a LOT of what you said (surprise, surprise, lol!). About walking on eggshells and doing whatever you could to make HIM happy (while neglecting your OWN wants/needs), feeling you weren't good enough and questioning why he didn't want you once he moved on (I'm STILL asking myself these questions, but I'm trying to stop), about always wanting to "fix" him (I mentioned that to my XA on our first date, how I liked to "fix" people and make them feel better, to which he surprisingly ACCURATELY responded, "You can't fix people." Boy, I REALLY should have listened to him, but stubborn, determined codie that I am, I STILL tried to fix him!!) 
and the part about settling for crumbs - I have actually said that to other people several times about my XA, that he's just throwing me little crumbs, but I want the WHOLE FEAST!! But, as a raging codie, what did I do?? I gathered up all those little crumbs like they were GOLD, as if he had given me the greatest gift EVER!! And that's how he left me, standing there like an idiot in the rain, clutching at my 'crumbs' like they were a lifeline to him, while he trots off to give another girl the 'feast.' 
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, shortayp!! But Impurrfect is right - please take this time to think about what your future might be like with this man. You said you just want him to stop drinking. Okay. But as Impurrfect said, what happens if he doesn't? His drinking is only going to increase, and I'm sure you've read enough posts on SR already to realize that you can't make him stop. And really think about how he had no answer when you asked him why he wouldn't want to be great and have a great life with you. Who among us wouldn't want to be great and have a great life with someone who loves us? So please just be aware of what his response, or lack thereof, may be indicating. In the meantime, keep reading and posting!! It really does help to get feedback and get alternate views on a situation.
and the part about settling for crumbs - I have actually said that to other people several times about my XA, that he's just throwing me little crumbs, but I want the WHOLE FEAST!! But, as a raging codie, what did I do?? I gathered up all those little crumbs like they were GOLD, as if he had given me the greatest gift EVER!! And that's how he left me, standing there like an idiot in the rain, clutching at my 'crumbs' like they were a lifeline to him, while he trots off to give another girl the 'feast.' Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, shortayp!! But Impurrfect is right - please take this time to think about what your future might be like with this man. You said you just want him to stop drinking. Okay. But as Impurrfect said, what happens if he doesn't? His drinking is only going to increase, and I'm sure you've read enough posts on SR already to realize that you can't make him stop. And really think about how he had no answer when you asked him why he wouldn't want to be great and have a great life with you. Who among us wouldn't want to be great and have a great life with someone who loves us? So please just be aware of what his response, or lack thereof, may be indicating. In the meantime, keep reading and posting!! It really does help to get feedback and get alternate views on a situation.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: north royalton
Posts: 60
It's so hard to just walk away from the person you wanted to spend your life with and that you have been with for 5 years. The way he's acting as though he is a different person...he has been texting me everyday just keeping in contact, but last night he ended up going out with a friend and i was texting him n i called n he didnt asnwer and i immediately felt hurt inside. I dont know why im still talking to him ...it makes me happy when i see he texxts me. He is the love of my life but i dont think i can be with someone that drinks so much its unhealhty. I just need someone to talk to and vent to right now im feelling really lonley and thats making me want to contact him right now again. 
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((shortay)) - Yes, it is hard to walk away and feel like you're giving up on your dreams. I can just say that I spent over 20 years feeling the same way, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I was early 20's when I fell in love with XABF#1, in my 40's when I'd finally had enough and was using drugs to numb myself.
That's a lot of life that wasn't lived, for ME, because I kept thinking it would get better.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
That's a lot of life that wasn't lived, for ME, because I kept thinking it would get better.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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