lizb33

I used to come to these forums years ago when I was dating someone in active addiction. Those 5 years were the most tumultuous of my life and unfortunately have defined me as a human being. It has been almost 5 years since the relationship ended on a no contact basis.

When I was involved in that mess I called a life I made a list of all of the things that I would do when I was free. I never thought it would happen.. I can remember curling up into a ball and sleeping on the bathroom rug, not eating for days, crying so hard that my lungs hurt and going for weeks without speaking to a single person. I remember thinking, if I could only get out, what I would do. It was my sick fantasy to imagine myself strolling the streets of Europe in designer clothing where my biggest problem was which exquisite dessert to get after dinner.

And the completely nutball thing is, I am now living my fantasy. This isn't a roll call of accomplishments, but I've traveled the world, advanced in my career, bought real estate, got a graduate degree, became involved in the community, received awards, accolades, dated incredible men. And. And?

When it comes down to it, I am just that stupid girl curled up on some dirty bathroom rug. I am the girl who had to wear a turtleneck in May to hide bruises on her neck. I am the girl who was berated, abused, and constantly stolen from.

I was so, so bad to myself. I have tried, so hard, and there is nothing I can do that will fill that part of me. No matter how good I'm doing it all flashes back in a second as soon as I experience any multitude of triggers. In a second I am reduced to nothing. Everything I've done is gone and I am in the black hole and I can't get out, and I don't know what else to do. I have been down the road of let go and let god, I have been down groups and been down therapy. I have been to medication and also to helping others. I do not know where else to go. And it all leads back to some path of inadequacy I started when I was just a kid, some reason why I felt I deserved less than others. And today, at an age of contemplation.. I cannot have children, I cannot get married - I am so scared of what that will bring. I can't love. I am not so good at it.

I don't know how to make this all up to myself. Is it just me that feels like this?

And Yes - I'm feeling sorry for myself. I will totally own that. I'm no longer THAT much in denial.. But come on, when is enough enough? I suppose the answer to that is, when it is enough. I don't think that in this world "exists" enough. Almost enough, but not really.

Hanna

You came back here. That's good.

Wish I could just give you a hug, actually. I'm you in many ways. You're more accomplished, but I'm smart, strong, successful (usually!) and sometimes I'm still the girl that wanted to crawl under the dining room table at a cocktail party because it looked safe in there.

I hate to give you a cliche, but I do love the saying "It will all be okay in the end. If you are not okay, it isn't the end."

So you came here, and that's the right thing to do. You just have more work to do, you know? It's not that you can't get beyond it, it's just that you haven't yet.

I will tell you this... *I* am getting better, so there is hope. I'm learning to trust myself and to love in a way I didn't think would be possible. I never thought I didn't deserve it, just that I couldn't have it through no fault of my own. But I'm starting to be pretty sure that I'm wrong.

Please stick around and keep posting.
You are in the right place.

Peace and Prayers,
Hanna

zoso77

Welcome to the Board.

So, you've been clear of the addict for five years and you have accomplished things that, believe it or not, most people don't. Without having met you, I can pretty much guess you're not some "stupid girl". Far from it. The problem is you don't believe that.

But...let me ask you something. The title of your post is "Can you ever forgive yourself?" For what, exactly? Getting involved with an addict? Behaving poorly? Letting ourselves down and, by extension, those we love? My answer to that, if that's the root of your question, is absolutely.

Why? Because we're human. And since we're human, we're flawed. We make mistakes. We may hurt people we love. We may behave in ways that reflect poorly on us. I certainly have. So how did I get over it? Simple: by accepting those things and taking ownership of it.

See, my experience with the addict no longer in my life taught me a lot about myself. Two things come to mind: 1) under the right set of circumstances, I can get scary angry and be someone's worst nightmare, and 2) if I allow myself to get into the state described in 1), that's because I gave myself permission to go there. And believe me, there's a lot of things I'm not proud of when it comes to some of my behavior towards my AXGF. But there's nothing I can do about what's already done. That said, I can own up to it, learn from it, and learn how to dial it back. At the end of the day, the one that's hurt the most if I misbehave is me.

My AXGF is long, long gone. Thank God; the day she left was her biggest gift to me. And what I learned in the days following our breakup was how lucky I was to have the gifts I have and the people that are in my life. I'm blessed. I am single, but that's because I choose to be. I have the capacity for love. But I don't have the capacity to trust right now, and frankly I don't worry about it.

So...maybe you should cut yourself some slack. You're not perfect. No one is. You will make mistakes, but hopefully sophisticated mistakes and not dumb ones. We've got one go-around in this life, Liz. What do you want to do with it?

ZoSo

AnvilheadII

Those 5 years were the most tumultuous of my life and unfortunately have defined me as a human being

no, no they don't. YOU define you. those years were merely part of your WHOLE life's journey. mistake? maybe, but that's life, WE MAKE MISTAKES. what separates us is IF we LEARN from those mistakes, incorporate them and allow them to be come a part of who we are.

you don't need to achieve anything to be perfectly wonderfully acceptable AS YOU ARE. you breathe, you feel, you are human.

when do you ever forgive yourself? the moment you do. when you sit there, warts and all, and say....this is the best I got, and I don't need anybody's buy in on that.

for example...i'm sitting here right now, 52 yr old female, carrying more pounds than i'd like, dealing with hormone/menopausal crap, home from work, in my house pj's and a ratty @ss t-shirt. not a super model, don't even have a college degree, but I OWN my life today. i'm all I got. everything in my life got me to HERE. upright and breathing.