It all was for nothing
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm sorry about the end of your relationship.
Can you think of a few good things that happened for YOU during your time in the relationship? Some positive changes you made along the way?
My relationship with my alcoholic husband ended. I tried to remember how much I had grown, matured, relaxed and evolved during those years.
(((hugs)))
We are here for you.
Can you think of a few good things that happened for YOU during your time in the relationship? Some positive changes you made along the way?
My relationship with my alcoholic husband ended. I tried to remember how much I had grown, matured, relaxed and evolved during those years.
(((hugs)))
We are here for you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I took a look at your other posts. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.
The problem, as I see it, is that you are confusing your marriage with your LIFE.
Suppose, just for a moment, that instead of leaving you for someone else, your husband had died. It happens. You would grieve, of course, but your LIFE would not be over because he is gone.
It takes time to work through this kind of grief, the same way it does when someone dies. You mentioned, in your other thread, that you can't think about your life because he was always there. But YOU were there, too, and your kids.
You are worthwhile in your own right--not just because you happened to be somebody's wife.
You also mentioned that you went to an Al-Anon meeting once but had to leave halfway through because you felt overwhelmed. If you don't feel you can cope with Al-Anon right now, I really would encourage you to find a good therapist to work with you. You need to work through your grief over his leaving you (four years is a long time to be grieving), and find the person who exists and has something to offer the world.
Sometimes we all need a little help to do that. Please try to find somebody who can help you with that.
Hugs,
The problem, as I see it, is that you are confusing your marriage with your LIFE.
Suppose, just for a moment, that instead of leaving you for someone else, your husband had died. It happens. You would grieve, of course, but your LIFE would not be over because he is gone.
It takes time to work through this kind of grief, the same way it does when someone dies. You mentioned, in your other thread, that you can't think about your life because he was always there. But YOU were there, too, and your kids.
You are worthwhile in your own right--not just because you happened to be somebody's wife.
You also mentioned that you went to an Al-Anon meeting once but had to leave halfway through because you felt overwhelmed. If you don't feel you can cope with Al-Anon right now, I really would encourage you to find a good therapist to work with you. You need to work through your grief over his leaving you (four years is a long time to be grieving), and find the person who exists and has something to offer the world.
Sometimes we all need a little help to do that. Please try to find somebody who can help you with that.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now, but things will start to look up.
Living with an alcoholic takes alot out of us and we don't realize it because we love the person so much and don't want to picture the future without them. You might find that when forced to move on that you might actually be grateful in the future for this chance to start over and not have any substance problems to deal with everyday.
I know right now it is hard to think of ever looking back and realizing you are in a better place now, but all you need to do is work on enjoying each day and soon it will turn into months and you'll realize your life is far from over. Change is scary, but not always bad.
Try to remember, everything happens for a reason.
Living with an alcoholic takes alot out of us and we don't realize it because we love the person so much and don't want to picture the future without them. You might find that when forced to move on that you might actually be grateful in the future for this chance to start over and not have any substance problems to deal with everyday.
I know right now it is hard to think of ever looking back and realizing you are in a better place now, but all you need to do is work on enjoying each day and soon it will turn into months and you'll realize your life is far from over. Change is scary, but not always bad.
Try to remember, everything happens for a reason.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am really sorry for the pain you are feeling today. This is a wonderful site filled with so many wonderful people who undestand what you are going through. I'd also suggest givng Al-anon another try. Growing up in an alcoholic home we tend to repeat picking those characterics in people that we then become overly close too. Al-anon can help you understand healthy vs un-healthy and not just in men but with people in general.
I think this saying and it may not mean much to you right now at this moment in your life but hopefully some day it will.
When people walk away from you, let them go, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn't mean they are bad people it just means that their part in your story is over.
I think this saying and it may not mean much to you right now at this moment in your life but hopefully some day it will.
When people walk away from you, let them go, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn't mean they are bad people it just means that their part in your story is over.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 11
I can think of things that were good, and how I changed.
I do feel like I am tied to him, he didn't file I have been half out of my mind to file. And it seems if I file, I am taking care of it for him.
Also, sometimes he contacts me for advise like how we used to talk and it is the old him. He was here last time and asked where the spice rack was (which I finally got rid of as we bought it when we moved in we never had one before) and I told him it broke. I couldn't stand looking at it each day.
He left but didn't finish leaving. I am torn because for me to file it is ending it without even talking. The whole thing bothers me. I really feel he can't face us, he would rather leave than face us. I mostly want to understand.
I am at a point where I know I can't let this go, I will have to file and try to forget him completely.
I sort of feel this is a very bad action he did, it hurt me and our family, it is really hard to not see him as bad in doing this. He spent a lot of time after it calling me names, he said I was peanut brittle and ow was chocolate and asked the mc if they would want peanut brittle or chocolate and he chooses chocolate, that is really seared into my head. And I love peanut brittle too. I need to find a way through this.
I found I have a lot of anger for couples our age and their families don't seem to have these issues and here this all happened.
I also found I have a lot of anger as I was sick and lived and was so happy, and then this all going on. It is almost overwhelming, I say almost as if it had overwhelmed me I wouldn't be here looking for help. I am worried I will get strong and do something I have never done before and that kind of scares me. That thing would be me saying that is it, I have had it, and filing, it makes me really nervous.
And then my kids, and now the oldest I worry she is drinking after work to relax and has said I was too hard on aa hub I should have given him a break his drinking wasn't a big deal...it was a big deal he was never sober.
I will go to meetings, I have no idea how that will help me, but I will go.
I do feel like I am tied to him, he didn't file I have been half out of my mind to file. And it seems if I file, I am taking care of it for him.
Also, sometimes he contacts me for advise like how we used to talk and it is the old him. He was here last time and asked where the spice rack was (which I finally got rid of as we bought it when we moved in we never had one before) and I told him it broke. I couldn't stand looking at it each day.
He left but didn't finish leaving. I am torn because for me to file it is ending it without even talking. The whole thing bothers me. I really feel he can't face us, he would rather leave than face us. I mostly want to understand.
I am at a point where I know I can't let this go, I will have to file and try to forget him completely.
I sort of feel this is a very bad action he did, it hurt me and our family, it is really hard to not see him as bad in doing this. He spent a lot of time after it calling me names, he said I was peanut brittle and ow was chocolate and asked the mc if they would want peanut brittle or chocolate and he chooses chocolate, that is really seared into my head. And I love peanut brittle too. I need to find a way through this.
I found I have a lot of anger for couples our age and their families don't seem to have these issues and here this all happened.
I also found I have a lot of anger as I was sick and lived and was so happy, and then this all going on. It is almost overwhelming, I say almost as if it had overwhelmed me I wouldn't be here looking for help. I am worried I will get strong and do something I have never done before and that kind of scares me. That thing would be me saying that is it, I have had it, and filing, it makes me really nervous.
And then my kids, and now the oldest I worry she is drinking after work to relax and has said I was too hard on aa hub I should have given him a break his drinking wasn't a big deal...it was a big deal he was never sober.
I will go to meetings, I have no idea how that will help me, but I will go.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by debbiesday 
I will go to meetings, I have no idea how that will help me, but I will go.
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btw, sorry on losing the spice rack.
A good spice rack is MUCH harder to find than an Alcoholic Husband.
Bunches of them tend to hang in the AA room(s) right next to the Al-Anon room(s).
Sorry, figured you could use a laugh.
About your other stuff --
Don't worry on the filing. Yes, you probably have to do that, which may have been the case for many things in the marriage. But you do not have to do that today. Or tomorrow.
Al-Anon will help you with the daughter, as well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I will go to meetings, I have no idea how that will help me, but I will go.
You are sad and in pain. I have been there.
I wanted to point out in the quote above you said the word "will" 3 times.
That is great to hear because it sounds to me like you are willing.
Willing to go, willing to listen, willing to change.
Just be willing.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by debbiesday
I am worried I will get strong and do something I have never done before and that kind of scares me.
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