KSims1868

Well let's not jump ahead too fast...I probably am a little crazy.

Seriously I have felt like I was going crazy and maybe I was being just a jerk, but I couldn't actually change the way I think/feel about this stuff. I'm getting ahead of myself...let me introduce things a little.

I'm 36 years old and went through my "drug phase" (aka: addiction) many years ago in my late teens/early 20s. Been clean for over 10 years and it was because of a lot of experiences. Got in trouble for cocaine posession when I was about 20 year old (maybe 21...can't remember) and spent some time in county jail (BIG wake-up call) as well as had other legal trouble all drug-related. Did the out-patient rehab thing (court ordered) and it helped to transition out of that life.

But my little brother (33 years old now) never transitioned out of that life. He's always been a pot-head but that wasn't that big of a deal. He experimented with harder drugs and had a real problem with ice (meth) for a while, and he may still for all I know. I've got 2 young kids and a couple years ago I just decided NO more. I wasn't going to associate with him any more and now the real problem has become my parents. They have consistently bailed him out of jail so many times I've lost count. He's never been allowed to hit "rock bottom" because they catch him just before he gets there. He's stolen from us all (actually stolen Father's day presents out of the unopened boxes the day after...and left the empty boxes) to pawn and get drug money. These days his drug of choice would be pills...whatever he can get his hands on. Xanax, Vicoden, Solma, Norco, etc...

I've become the hated person in the family because I just don't support him and he needs his family these days more than ever. It's sickening!!

EverHopeful721

Welcome to SR!! (And yes, you've come to the right place!!)

I don't have any experience with family members being addicts, but many people here do, and I'm sure they'll be here shortly to introduce themselves and share their stories and advice. In the meantime, read the stickies at the top of the page - there's a lot of useful information there - read some of the other posts and know that you're not alone!!

BeavsDad

Same thing with my younger brother (43) He's in prison (again) right now for "drug stuff", due to get out in Jul right into mommy's warm enabling arms.

She's talking a good game now, but I know it all goes out the window when he gets there.

I will maintain my boundaries and keep my distance if need be.

I won't be sucked in and I won't worry about what they think about me.

My wife and son dig me, that's good enough for me.

julez

Oh boy, can I relate! I have a daughter that needs a good dose of rock bottom, and I am very willing to let her have it, but my in laws are still under the impression that they can "love" it out of her.

Ugh, so frustrating....

You are a grown man, and can do what you want, with who you want. Good for you for protecting your family.

KSims1868

I've been reading a lot around here and so glad I found this board. Well...actually I can't take credit, my fiance found the board and forwarded me the link.

It's amazing to me that my mom and grandma can look me straight in the face and tell me what an ******* I am and how I just don't understand what it's like. I've been rendered speechless (which if you knew me you'd know is quite an accomplishment)...they really don't get it, and finally I've decided it's no longer my responsibility to try and get them to open their eyes. It's like a broken record that's been playing for almost 15 years. For the last 7 years or so...every time they (our parents) bail him out or give him money for "food", let him move back in, etc... he will always, always end up arrested again or stealing some of their stuff to pawn for drug money. Then my parents get "serious"...it's always "THIS IS THE LAST TIME...WE'RE SERIOUS THIS TIME."
Until he's in jail again and then they tell me, "you don't understand...you're not perfect...haven't you ever made a mistake..." It's all so insane and I just can't wrap my head around it.

kthopkt

I can totally relate. My older brother is the "problem" in my family. Our mother was my brother's biggest enabler but even after she passed away three years ago, my brother continues to find someone to enable him & usually it is a women. My brother has hit what I thought should be his bottom several times but until he is ready, it doesn't matter what I or anyone else does or does not do for him.

You are doing the right thing & even though your parents are enabling him, you cannot control that. I wish I had found this site before my mother passed away because then I could have had some advice to give her. Maybe your parent's would be willing to take a look at what is being said on here. This site is the only reason I have been remaining strong & not trying to "save" my brother. I tried saving him for 10 years. Following the advice on this forum is very tough & very hard to accept in the beginning but I do believe your parents could benefit.

Best of luck to you.

KSims1868

That's the most frustrating thing. My parents KNOW they are enabling him. My mom will outright admit it and say that she just can't help it she thinks its the right thing to do even if it enables him to get more drugs. They've seen countless studies and been faced with the facts time and time again and even though they see what they're doing...they won't stop. That (to me) is what is so frustrating because I KNOW they know what they're doing is wrong, but they make so many excuses for it to justify it to themselves it's impossible to get through to them.
Counselors, pastors, friends, neighbors, family, etc...have all tried to help them see they should stop, but it has no effect.

tjp613

As the mother of an addict, let me admit that I, too, have MANY times enabled my son when the "right thing" would have been to let him feel the full brunt of his consequences. It's hard. Damn hard. Hardest thing I've ever done or tried to do. The anxiety associated with all that is extremely difficult to manage. The addict gives us ample opportunities to relieve that anxiety and we are more than happy to do so without much encouragement. We do it even when we know it's "wrong". We are addicted to the addict. We relapse just like they do. We're "sick"...just like they are.

I can't remember who from SR helped me to recognize that, for us parents, it ALL boils down to us finding healthy ways to manage that crippling anxiety. When I got that figured out it really helped. When I realized it's all about the anxiety and that is MY problem to handle....that helped to put things in proper perspective. It helped me to figure out whose problems are whose and what I have the power to control...or not.

I hope your parents are able to someday find serenity. Until then, you do what you need to do for YOU. If they don't 'understand' it's only because they want to justify their own choices...even when they know they are wrong. If you can stay strong and show them what healthy detachment looks like, hopefully they will want what you have and seek it out.

BeavsDad

Thinking of them as willing volunteers and not victims could make your detachment easier.

Kindeyes

I'll ditto everything that tjp said.

My daughter (non-addict) stepped away from her addicted brother a long time ago. Like your parents, I also felt she was being unfair, cruel and unsupported. I probably said many of the things that your parents have said to you. So that girl took that detachment she had practiced so well with her brother.....and began practicing it with ME! What the heck?? (that's what I was thinking at the time).

My daughter's immense wisdom was one of the many things that helped to shake me out of my codependent haze. I realized that my love for her was just as great as my love for her addicted brother. I didn't want to sacrifice the relationship with her in order to preserve something akin to a relationship with her brother.

There were a number of things that helped me to realize that I needed to change me but my daughter's detachment was a huge factor. So....what did that detachment look like? She established boundaries. And one of those boundaries was that she was not going to engage in any conversation with me regarding her brother's latest crisis (and as you know......those happen with regularity). She would either ask me to stop talking or get up and walk away (particularly if I refused to respect a simple request). She called me less and less frequently. She stopped engaging with her brother......and went completely no contact with him......but didn't say anything to me that indicated that she was going to do it or expected me to do it. She just did it. She took care of herself and her needs first (as she should). She stopped the insanity for herself and allowed me to continue in my own if that's what I chose to do. It was quite a wake up call for me.

Today......my daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. I respect her boundaries and her right to have (or in this case "not have") a relationship with her brother. I'm not in charge of her relationships with anyone....she is. Losing his sister was one of the consequences of my son's drug use.

My daughter couldn't change me.....but she could (and did) change herself......and her changes affected our dynamic.

You can't change your parents. Codependents are essentially addicts of another color. We won't stop doing what we do until we are darn good and ready......and not a minute sooner.

gentle hugs
ke

kthopkt

You can't change your parents but you can do as Kindeyes' daughter has. You need to focus on yourself & lead by example. When yours parent's are ready, they will begin to change their ways on their own. You have no more control over your parents than you do your brother. I know I said that maybe it would have helped my mother had she had support through a community/forum like this one but truth be told, I don't know if she would have wanted to hear it similar to your parents.