RightLAine

Well here I am again feeling like complete $hit I made it 2 days sober and then messed it all up. I knew exactly what I was doing too. I looked at the bottle and told myself I would "just have 1" well that turned into me waking up this morning single(bc my BF broke up with me), coming into work 3 hours late, and just filled with the most the upmost regret not to mention feeling shaky, my heads pounding, and I am on the verge of tears.

Let me give you my backgraound (sorry I'm venting)

I am 28 years old. I grew up in a single household (my dad left when I was in the 2nd grade) My mother was an alcoholic and my brother has a terminal illness. Things were tough. I dont have one memory of my mom being sober. I started drinking when I was 16. No one ever educated me about alcohol and the dangergous effects it has. I dont blame anyone for me drinking I'm just saying I had no structure growing up, no positive guidance. I hung with the "wrong" crowd.

Fast forward to college. I drank in college. All my friends did and I didn't think I had a problem because "everyone was doing it" I got 2 DUI's while in college, and was hospitalized once b/c I hit my head so hard I went blind bc my optic nerve hit off my skull. "Okay now I think MAYBE I have a problem" bad things happen when I drink, I dont know my limits, Once I start I can't stop. Thank God I graduated. I also met the love of my life in college. We have been together almost 9 years...we have 2 kids. We are not married (this is a issue for me bc I wish we were soo badly)

Both times I found out I was pregnant I stopped drinking imediately. Our daughter is 3 months old. 3 days after I came from the hospital after having her I found out my Boyfriend was cheating on me. I was heartbroken. "I'm pregnant with our daughther and you are cheating on me???" devasted. the moment I found out I chugged a beer. Alcohol is my safety net, my comfront zone. I drank all day. Now that I had that taste (after not drinking for 9 months) it opened up a can of worms. I was breastfeeding our daughter. Did you know that they make alcohol test strips for breastmilk??? yea well they do. So I bought a breast pump. I would pump breastmilk and drink in between I would test the milk with the strips to make sure it was negative for alcohol. Pathetic I know

So now here I am 3 months later. I'm still hurt from him cheating....we never resolved it in my head b/c all he said was sorry it wont happen again. Did I mention this was the 3rd time I caught him cheating in our 9 years. Yea soooo.. I have 2 beautiful young children, I have a great career, a great house, no 1 knows my daily struggle with alcohol. I have even contemplated getting pregnant again just bc I know that will be 9 months I won't drink and I will be a better mom and a better person. I know thats a horrible idea. My BF drinks....he doesnt drink like me but he drinks everyday and he said he won't stop. So as long as he is there the alcohol will be there to. Last night I got drunk and brought up everything that was bothering me with him. I brought up the cheating, money issues, etc... I looked my 3 year old son in the eyes and told him "daddy is a mean daddy" and my son said yea. (only b/c he doesnt know better and he goes along with anything his mommy (me) tells him) I feel horrible I feel like a piece of $hit. this morning my bf told me "he USED to love me" that he only stuck around b/c he thought he could help me and now that we have 2 kids he feels stuck. I want to cry I want to run away with my kids....I want a drink.


I'm sorry for putting this all out there....my point is....I don't think I can quit drinking....I think I might end up just like my mom. I love my kids more than life itself I want to stop for them but that voice inside of me is so strong. Ahh I just want to cry right now.

MeSoSober

Don't even say that $hit to yourself -- as the saying goes, whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're right.

I think a key factor in quitting drinking is our self-talk.

One of the "masters" Anne Fletcher surveyed for her book Sober for Good says (I underlined this in my copy!), "Put any idea that you can't quit out of your mind. You acquire great strength with each passing day. You can, if you are determined."

And Fletcher quotes another master, Violet F., who says, "Success leads to more success."

Those are words to quit by -- don't give up RightLAine!

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing your story, it's important to let things out so you can heal. And regarding your point above, the only reason you can't quit drinking is because you won't let yourself. ANYONE can quit drinking - including you if you really want to. And it sounds like you have many reasons to do so - yourself for sure, and your 2 kids as well. The key is to come up with a plan on how you WILL quit drinking if you really want to. There are plenty of good resources here and many people who quit that also had what seemed like impossible odds when they started out.

Stay here with us and do a lot of listening, and writing if you feel it helps - venting can be good, but it's not always necessary. You'll also want to make sure you are physically OK before completely quitting, so a DR visit should be in order. They can also probably recommend local resources that offer detox/rehab/therapy - not suggesting you will need any or all, but at least find out what is available.

But above all, please don't ever think you CANT quit - everyone can if they want to - incuding you!

Grymt

It's so cool you love your kids. Others will be able to give you much help. Welcome.

RightLAine

Thank you guys. It's just hard....and since I feel so $hitty today all I want to do is drink more. I'm at work now and completly useless as I am just on this site. I wish I had a better support system at home. I wish I had someone to do this with but I know I have to do it FOR ME and alone. Also the fact that I think my BF is probably really done with our relationship normally I would drink to cope so I'm not sure how I am going to deal with that

coraltint

You can stop the cycle. You don't have to like your mom. It will be difficult, but the rewards are great....not just for you, especially for your kids.

Keep coming back here!

ScottFromWI

You don't have to do this alone. Someone is always here whenever you need to talk. Have you considered any local resources or support groups? There is almost assuredly an AA meeting somewhere closeby, and probably others like Smart/AVRT, etc. Most cities/towns have alcohol treatment centers that offer anything from counseling to inpatient detox if you need it.

Most of us all know that horrible hung over/helpless feeling at work too...you don't have to go to another day of work like that ever if you don't want to.

FeenixxRising

Remove the word "can't" from your vocabulary. You "can" and deep down inside you know you can. And just because you've tried before and failed means squat. Did you walk the first time you took a step? Did you ride a bike the first time you got on one? Did you do any of things you do everyday the first time you tried? Of course not. So don't give up; it won't be easy, you will have good days and bad days, but does the alcohol really help in any long-term meaningful way? No, it doesn't

There's a lot of support here, and a lot of us are in the beginning stages of this, so stick around. I've found it to be nice support system.

RightLAine

Ahh thank you again. I just want to give you all a hug. As I read your responses I have tears in my eyes. I feel like your the only ones that understand.

soberweekender

Although I've only been sober 13 days, I know a thing or two about being cheated on (my ex husband got someone pregnant 20+ years ago when our son was just 18 months old). If you're able to, separate your actions (i.e. drinking) from your BF's cheating. We always let each other down in relationships because we are human. The choice to cheat or not has nothing to do with the other person and only depends on the moral character and strength of the person who decides to cheat. In other words, your BF cheated on you due to his character flaws; not yours. You are being a good Mom by wanting to get healthy and quit drinking. But you need to be a good Mom to yourself first by telling yourself you can do anything you put your mind to....because that is the truth.

daisy1

I used to wait until my life stopped being so crappy to stop drinking. I couldn't possibly stop while so many things were happening to me...
It took me years to realise that sometimes my drinking caused the problems, and life just is crappy, to all of us at times.
You won't be able to deal with anything properly until you are sober. If you can stop drinking, you might just have the clarity and courage to see what is really happening at home and sort it out, one way or another. Keep posting xxx

ru12

You are not alone. We are here and we care. I know you can do this even if you don't. Feel free to borrow my confidence for a while.

misspond

Absolutely ^ this. For me, I've realised that I don't drink because I have stuff in my life I can't deal with, because I drink I can't deal with the stuff in my life. That's all it comes down to. I'm a single mum, my partner cheated on me when I was busy at home, not only looking after the two young children we'd had together but also looking after his two teenage children from his previous marriage. I was kind of busy so he decided to go out and cheat.

But to get back to you, you can do this RightLaine, really you can, you don't have to follow the script your mum wrote for herself. You can write your own script. And we'll be here to support you all the way. x

RightLAine

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! All of you have such good points. There will always be a "reason" to drink wether it is good or bad. I just need to stop and I guess the rest will sort itself out. I know I said alot of mean and hurtful things last night but really it is how I feel even when I am sober...my heart feels broken bc my relationship and my head is hurting (other than a hangover) from going back and forth between drinking and not. Tomorrow will be a better day....

daisy1

I really feel for you, you haven't been treated very well, you will get stronger in time :-) xxx

BabyJane

I'm glad you shared this. I know how you feel. It sounds like you really love your family and you desperately want to stop drinking but you aren't exactly sure how to do that. For me it was a process; I had to learn how to live sober and I'm still kind of getting there. I am almost 5 months along but I know I could relapse at anytime if I slack off. This might not be what you need, but have you considered meetings? Therapy? Talked to a professional? Do you also struggle with depression or anxiety? Those are common for alcoholics. If what you're doing isn't getting you there, it's probably time to take some different actions and just see if that helps right? I had to be willing to do things I did NOT want to do. You can make this happen though. Don't do it for anyone but yourself because people will let you down. That's why you can't do it just for a partner or even your kids... Don't feel bad, you have to do this because YOU are worth saving. A better life awaits. Don't give up.

27cougar

I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. I agree with other posters, when you are ready, remove the word "can't" from your vocabulary and go for it....

Fallow

Im pretty sure you can do this! 100 percent sure.

It is the 1st drink that gets me drunk.

2granddaughters

Yes, if you are an alcoholic like me, we always find a reason to drink.

I tried everything to quit until I was ready to die and I tried the very last thing that I wanted to and that was Alcoholics Anonymous.

Well, After a while In AA I found that I didn't want/have to drink again but I didn't know how to live sober so I had to dig deeper into the 12 Steps.

Almost 24 yrs later I'm still sober and continually learning more about life through the AA program.

Try your best in whatever you choose and if it comes up short join me at the AA tables.

All the best.

Bob R

ForMy2Boys

Please do not feel alone, even though we are a bunch of strangers, everyone here is willing to give you the support you need. Some of the AA meetings in my area have childcare. May be you can find one where you are. Don't let the fear of judgement stop you from finding support. We are all recovering (whether here of SR or AA) and have shameful memories and regrets. I feel in a similar situation. I feel alone and now on dy 2, I have been fighting my addict brain telling me "it wasn't so bad" "you didn't embarrass yourself too much" "no one knows what was going on, so why not just one more time" Then my real brain interjects with reality. This is harder than I thought and Ii am going to try and find local support. Someone to call up and hang out with without the pressure to drink. Hopefully a fellow mom that will meet up for play dates at the park, instead of me hiding in my house and thinking. You need an outlet, and maybe the one on one connection will help you though this hard time.

I do not know your religious beliefs, so please do not get offended. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I will pray for you to find peace and strength to get through this rough patch. I am not particularly religious myself. I found my last 10+ years worshiping the gods of alcohol, but the last couple of days I have found just saying a quick prayer helps me remember why I must do this now. Just trying to quiet the addict brain and so far it seems to help some.

Side note, I have had the same thoughts of pregnancy. I quit with no problem, but after each child was born, I went back to drinking and it was progressively worse. A 3 month old is hard. Sleepless nights, lots of time to think. you need to see a doctor about depression and be honest about what steps you are making to beat this deadly disease. I had real bad PPD after my second but was too embarrassed to admit to anyone what was going on. My doctor put me on a combination of antidepressants that really helped, but the more I researched it, I found out how bad they were to mix with alcohol. My addiction caused me to quit taking them and I became more depressed. If you seek any medical attention, please be truthful. My poor decisions led to worse depression and even more severe drinking. I don't want you to make my mistake. You need to take care of yourself! You are important!

You cannot change the past, but you can and will change your future if you so desire. I can tell you feel it in your heart, you just need to realize your own strength. You can do this. We are all here to support you!