WHERE IS MY MIND? UNTANGLING THE MESS: Ruminating, Sadness & Blame
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
WHERE IS MY MIND? UNTANGLING THE MESS: Ruminating, Sadness & Blame
Over the last few days, my mind has been chattering from the resolve my (VERY recent) ExA/AHbf seems to have..."everything is fine. moving on with life. Im not bothered one bit!!" attitude.....is he really that healthy? Am I really that sick? I went NC (kind of by default when he was blowing me off pretty obviously for a few days prior to my birthday wknd, I let him know my distain, then he just never contacted me again. NO calls, texts, emails, nothing. Totally cut me off. And I never contacted him again due to my commitment to NC at this point.....I'd had enough of feeling humiliated that I felt like such a bother to him at the end)
Ive posted in the AH F&F, (please see posts for history) which alcohol is what his go to drug of choice has become over the yrs. However, he is the type of addict that he will take bottles and bottles of MOM (Milk of Magnesia) to get a high....
He once told me "You can get high off of ANYTHING if you take enough of it". Which was shocking to me. I never even heard of this; let alone rationalized the truth in it. He is a former heroin addict who Od'd more than one can count nearly dying in 2001 yet still went back for more until a felony charge in 2005. He became clean from heroin in 2005, (Salvation Army, non profit community program with no theraputic/medicinal assistance for dual dx, like him), as a condition of his release from prison. (He would always self righteously say, "im never touching that **** again,...EVER!) Which he didnt from my knowlegde; but that was never his main drug of real choice.
This time he said he asked God to take the taste of alcohol from him and he said he believes God did. He will never use again, he said.
I understand now that he was never in 'active' recovery from heroin and in the interim became very much dependant on other things, alcohol/anhything else being his main stay. He has just been abstainant from H.
During this time of NC will be 2 wks tomorrow....I cant help but get this overwhelming feeling that he is punishing me for finding out and following up on things that he was keeping from me (accusing me of being overzealous, needing to know every single thing about his whereabouts, etc (!!). I think he was more pissed that he got caught and became enraged.)
He has always used silence as a tool by which to avoid any conforntation or unconfortable situation re: accountability and/or giving of himself. I once went an entire day waiting to see if he would contact me after a small disagreement. Nothing. Complete avoidance until I reached out to him. Admitted that he was avoiding because he didnt want to deal with it.
Duirng this time of NC/breaking up; I have been to many many Alanon mtgs (which I was doing prior to this) and speaking with many of my friends, working in therapy re: my codie issues from my own ACOA/AH childhood and generally staying busy and out of my head. TRYING to anyway.
He was in a 6 mo very lax rehab (Salvation Army- Newark-NJ), he finished the program the last wk in Feb and is now an actual employee of the SA, with room and board (in the rehab, surrounded by USING addicts), steady pay and benifits in 3 mo......the beligerence, obstinance, knowledge of his thoughts on certain issues were coming more fast and furious: (ie: that he *didnt believe in sponsors* as " Im not gonna call some guy up to convince me not to drink or do drugs!! If Im gonna drink, Im gonna have a drink!!"
Those were his words VERBATIM. This was only 2 months ago (4 mo into his "rehab")....
By my birthday wknd (March 8th-11th)(less than 14 days from the day of his graduating the rehab)....and after a few stressful conversations about taking some time apart because of how he was treating me (he always refused,said he loved me he didnt want to lose me)....he just never contacted me again.
I noticed around the Mayan calander thing last December he was getting more and more depressed and confused (when the world didn't end; he was distraught the next day Disbelieving that the world,in fact, did not end)
SIDE NOTE: he has been dx'd as bipolar, OCD as well...unmedicated. Does not believe in medication for that ever since they "drugged him up in his teens yrs with all sorts of things. Never again", he vowed.....
Since then; I noticed that he was just regularly not showering,not shaving, complaining more about the "morons in the kitchen", his workload, his boss, his ex wife, me and the fact that with every talk (which turned into an argument because of his combative, defensive behavior) came him throwing his hands up and saying facetiously, "Oh its always me, right?? *I'm* always the one apologizing. Im always the one saying Im sorry!!" (I never even said that!) .....just generally acting annoyed, and this ungrateful, hateful and judgemental attitude took over and never looked back.
I actually suspected he was using again, because the whole situation and at one point i SWORE I smellled alcohol on his breath.
(In the beginning, I saw in the first months of the rehab of gratitude, humilty, openness, honest attempts at recovery. but now this was long gone and at the time thought it was actually part of the after effects of being in rehab/dealing with issues) The calls would stop and text msgs (sweet and loving, still) would continue promising that he would call me and never would....just generally not following through....
It felt eerily similar to when he was actively using/hiding shady behavior. He was becoming more and more secretive and less and less accountable for his erratic and mean behavior. Making more excuses as to why.
He would also VERY often say, in a terribly sad way:
"I just wonder what my NEXT addiction will be?"
I never understood that comment and always felt uneasy that he wasn't, at even 5 months into rehab/supposed recovery; tapping more into how to beat those thoughts, working on changing that mindset, etc.
He just seemed to have an attitude of being resigned to an addict filled life, regardless of what it was. Herion, Alcohol, Pills, Porn, Codependancy....anything"
Ya know, people keep saying and I hear it over and over on SR. "He will call you. He will be in touch. may not be now, but addicts dont burn bridges. I know it doesnt seem so now; but he will."
They say even the fact that he never contacted me again (which is a real jerk move by any standards), wasn't burning a bridge. I mean, it wasn't?
Now let me just say that its not like Im thinking Im not moving on or that I even want to get back together with him...I dont....or that Im not trying to work through this pain of him abandoning me and the relationship. I am.
But I can;t help to think of the words he used to always say to me "When Im done with something. Im done." Interstingly,we both shared that sentiment and would speak of how we just put it out of our heads and that was it.
At this point I go back and forth between thinking he has no remorse about how he ended it? Was it his bipolar? Was it his addict behavior? Was he just using me?
Does he now see me as a weak and pathetic person who does him no good now?
He is so prideful and knew that one foot was already out the door..I would tell him of my dissatisfaction with how mean he was being and that I felt like I was the scapegoat again.... (even though I realize now my actions spoke VOLUMES in that -of course I wasnt going anywhere....I proved that this whole time. I always SAID I had enough; but never truly acted on it)
Now, he is bloated with a sense of competence and accomplishment that his ego couldnt get any bigger. His family relationship with his mother is all but perfect with her overwhelmningly enabling behaviour to this day..... My **** dont stink attitude about the fact that he has "overcome" heroin and now alcohol. He is a chef by trade and became kitchen mgr/Chef of the ENTIRE REHAB...talk about an ego boost.
Over the last few months, I also noticed that he would frequently take pictures on Instagram of graffiti that says "Shoot Heroin" and "Heroin" ...almost romanticizing the drug and the "Brick City" lifestyle of the bodegas, poverty stricken,run down cities he has always gravitated towards. It is now his home. So much for people places and things, then?
I think its important to note that the city where this rehab is (now his job and his apartment-which inside the rehab), was the go-to place he would get his heroin. The only place he would get his heroin, from what I understaood. An ENORMOUS amount of bad history in that city for him and his addiction.
All this seems on the outside maybe as someone who is not in active recovery.
But the crazy making he planted inside my head over the last few months prior to thie NC/break up; rears its ugly head more often than Id like to admit.
Thinking it was ME that he left.
I can't see anything that I did that could have been so bad, other than not focusing more on myslef and my own recovery (which interestingly, I started to that he seemed to be a bit resentful of).
Was I sooo bad that he was just looking for a way out? Away from me? Is he that much a picture of health that he said "holy. I gotta save myself from this woman and focus on my recovery!"
Is he vilifying me to justify his ending it like this after over a year together? Am I that bad of a woman?
The reality of even a month ago seems bizarre. The reality of today seems even more confusing.
I am working on myself, my self esteem which has taken an incredible beating over the last late months of this,and really the patterns in which brought me to a man with not only addcition issues, but a man who was emotionally unavailable.
I also understand that ruminating about all of these things are not totally productive. And its not something that happens every minute like it was for me just a week ago....but Im working on trusting myself and the patterns which brought me here. I am blaming myself less as the fog is lifting....
I just want to understand a bit more of how an addict thinks in times like this. There are many variables in this one, I know.
I just have this gut feeling that he will never contact me again....and somehow, I feel I need to feel that he may still.
Does he feel guilt, shame about how he ended it, does he think of me, does he miss me? Does he think about all I have done to stand by him through all of this?
Please try not to judge my journey, emotions or ruminating about all of these things. Like I said Im a work in progress, who is learning more about herself each day. I know the three C's....but I just can't shake that he just saw this realtionship as having run its course; or that this is addict behavior at its finest in manipulation and of power and control.....
Thanks :'(
Ive posted in the AH F&F, (please see posts for history) which alcohol is what his go to drug of choice has become over the yrs. However, he is the type of addict that he will take bottles and bottles of MOM (Milk of Magnesia) to get a high....
He once told me "You can get high off of ANYTHING if you take enough of it". Which was shocking to me. I never even heard of this; let alone rationalized the truth in it. He is a former heroin addict who Od'd more than one can count nearly dying in 2001 yet still went back for more until a felony charge in 2005. He became clean from heroin in 2005, (Salvation Army, non profit community program with no theraputic/medicinal assistance for dual dx, like him), as a condition of his release from prison. (He would always self righteously say, "im never touching that **** again,...EVER!) Which he didnt from my knowlegde; but that was never his main drug of real choice.
This time he said he asked God to take the taste of alcohol from him and he said he believes God did. He will never use again, he said.
I understand now that he was never in 'active' recovery from heroin and in the interim became very much dependant on other things, alcohol/anhything else being his main stay. He has just been abstainant from H.
During this time of NC will be 2 wks tomorrow....I cant help but get this overwhelming feeling that he is punishing me for finding out and following up on things that he was keeping from me (accusing me of being overzealous, needing to know every single thing about his whereabouts, etc (!!). I think he was more pissed that he got caught and became enraged.)
He has always used silence as a tool by which to avoid any conforntation or unconfortable situation re: accountability and/or giving of himself. I once went an entire day waiting to see if he would contact me after a small disagreement. Nothing. Complete avoidance until I reached out to him. Admitted that he was avoiding because he didnt want to deal with it.
Duirng this time of NC/breaking up; I have been to many many Alanon mtgs (which I was doing prior to this) and speaking with many of my friends, working in therapy re: my codie issues from my own ACOA/AH childhood and generally staying busy and out of my head. TRYING to anyway.
He was in a 6 mo very lax rehab (Salvation Army- Newark-NJ), he finished the program the last wk in Feb and is now an actual employee of the SA, with room and board (in the rehab, surrounded by USING addicts), steady pay and benifits in 3 mo......the beligerence, obstinance, knowledge of his thoughts on certain issues were coming more fast and furious: (ie: that he *didnt believe in sponsors* as " Im not gonna call some guy up to convince me not to drink or do drugs!! If Im gonna drink, Im gonna have a drink!!"
Those were his words VERBATIM. This was only 2 months ago (4 mo into his "rehab")....
By my birthday wknd (March 8th-11th)(less than 14 days from the day of his graduating the rehab)....and after a few stressful conversations about taking some time apart because of how he was treating me (he always refused,said he loved me he didnt want to lose me)....he just never contacted me again.
I noticed around the Mayan calander thing last December he was getting more and more depressed and confused (when the world didn't end; he was distraught the next day Disbelieving that the world,in fact, did not end)
SIDE NOTE: he has been dx'd as bipolar, OCD as well...unmedicated. Does not believe in medication for that ever since they "drugged him up in his teens yrs with all sorts of things. Never again", he vowed.....
Since then; I noticed that he was just regularly not showering,not shaving, complaining more about the "morons in the kitchen", his workload, his boss, his ex wife, me and the fact that with every talk (which turned into an argument because of his combative, defensive behavior) came him throwing his hands up and saying facetiously, "Oh its always me, right?? *I'm* always the one apologizing. Im always the one saying Im sorry!!" (I never even said that!) .....just generally acting annoyed, and this ungrateful, hateful and judgemental attitude took over and never looked back.
I actually suspected he was using again, because the whole situation and at one point i SWORE I smellled alcohol on his breath.
(In the beginning, I saw in the first months of the rehab of gratitude, humilty, openness, honest attempts at recovery. but now this was long gone and at the time thought it was actually part of the after effects of being in rehab/dealing with issues) The calls would stop and text msgs (sweet and loving, still) would continue promising that he would call me and never would....just generally not following through....
It felt eerily similar to when he was actively using/hiding shady behavior. He was becoming more and more secretive and less and less accountable for his erratic and mean behavior. Making more excuses as to why.
He would also VERY often say, in a terribly sad way:
"I just wonder what my NEXT addiction will be?"
I never understood that comment and always felt uneasy that he wasn't, at even 5 months into rehab/supposed recovery; tapping more into how to beat those thoughts, working on changing that mindset, etc.
He just seemed to have an attitude of being resigned to an addict filled life, regardless of what it was. Herion, Alcohol, Pills, Porn, Codependancy....anything"
Ya know, people keep saying and I hear it over and over on SR. "He will call you. He will be in touch. may not be now, but addicts dont burn bridges. I know it doesnt seem so now; but he will."
They say even the fact that he never contacted me again (which is a real jerk move by any standards), wasn't burning a bridge. I mean, it wasn't?
Now let me just say that its not like Im thinking Im not moving on or that I even want to get back together with him...I dont....or that Im not trying to work through this pain of him abandoning me and the relationship. I am.
But I can;t help to think of the words he used to always say to me "When Im done with something. Im done." Interstingly,we both shared that sentiment and would speak of how we just put it out of our heads and that was it.
At this point I go back and forth between thinking he has no remorse about how he ended it? Was it his bipolar? Was it his addict behavior? Was he just using me?
Does he now see me as a weak and pathetic person who does him no good now?
He is so prideful and knew that one foot was already out the door..I would tell him of my dissatisfaction with how mean he was being and that I felt like I was the scapegoat again.... (even though I realize now my actions spoke VOLUMES in that -of course I wasnt going anywhere....I proved that this whole time. I always SAID I had enough; but never truly acted on it)
Now, he is bloated with a sense of competence and accomplishment that his ego couldnt get any bigger. His family relationship with his mother is all but perfect with her overwhelmningly enabling behaviour to this day..... My **** dont stink attitude about the fact that he has "overcome" heroin and now alcohol. He is a chef by trade and became kitchen mgr/Chef of the ENTIRE REHAB...talk about an ego boost.
Over the last few months, I also noticed that he would frequently take pictures on Instagram of graffiti that says "Shoot Heroin" and "Heroin" ...almost romanticizing the drug and the "Brick City" lifestyle of the bodegas, poverty stricken,run down cities he has always gravitated towards. It is now his home. So much for people places and things, then?
I think its important to note that the city where this rehab is (now his job and his apartment-which inside the rehab), was the go-to place he would get his heroin. The only place he would get his heroin, from what I understaood. An ENORMOUS amount of bad history in that city for him and his addiction.
All this seems on the outside maybe as someone who is not in active recovery.
But the crazy making he planted inside my head over the last few months prior to thie NC/break up; rears its ugly head more often than Id like to admit.
Thinking it was ME that he left.
I can't see anything that I did that could have been so bad, other than not focusing more on myslef and my own recovery (which interestingly, I started to that he seemed to be a bit resentful of).
Was I sooo bad that he was just looking for a way out? Away from me? Is he that much a picture of health that he said "holy. I gotta save myself from this woman and focus on my recovery!"
Is he vilifying me to justify his ending it like this after over a year together? Am I that bad of a woman?
The reality of even a month ago seems bizarre. The reality of today seems even more confusing.
I am working on myself, my self esteem which has taken an incredible beating over the last late months of this,and really the patterns in which brought me to a man with not only addcition issues, but a man who was emotionally unavailable.
I also understand that ruminating about all of these things are not totally productive. And its not something that happens every minute like it was for me just a week ago....but Im working on trusting myself and the patterns which brought me here. I am blaming myself less as the fog is lifting....
I just want to understand a bit more of how an addict thinks in times like this. There are many variables in this one, I know.
I just have this gut feeling that he will never contact me again....and somehow, I feel I need to feel that he may still.
Does he feel guilt, shame about how he ended it, does he think of me, does he miss me? Does he think about all I have done to stand by him through all of this?
Please try not to judge my journey, emotions or ruminating about all of these things. Like I said Im a work in progress, who is learning more about herself each day. I know the three C's....but I just can't shake that he just saw this realtionship as having run its course; or that this is addict behavior at its finest in manipulation and of power and control.....
Thanks :'(
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I wish I had advice for you.... its so hard for me to wrap my head around the statement that the SA there is a lax program. I guess you get out of it what you put into it. I am in the codependency program at the SA in Arizona and from what I understand they have daily drug testing of beneficiaries and random testing of employees.
if it really is the go to pick up spot then that's sad
but heroin is everywhere. anyone can find it whenever they want, it doesn't matter, when the BF was using my eyes were opened to that. Just because they prefer an inner city outhouse doesn't mean there isn't one in the burbs.
so glad to hear you are working on you.
One thing I've noticed is that my addict has gone no contact with any codependents in his life who are not seeking recovery, and he has boundaries with me and my codie behaviours the same way I do with his addict ones... not sure cuz I don't know the situation, but if he is working for the SA then it sounds like he is putting his recovery first? My addict gets highly offended and pushed away when anyone tries to enmeshed themselves in his recovery anymore.
there's this 80s song that reminds me of what RAs need... "just hold on loosely..." maybe he was feeling a little bit smothered. IDK, just my ESH. either way none of that matters if you are positive you want NC... right? If he is using, that's his choice. we can't change them. take what you want and leave the rest. and NO you are not a bad person. I have also enmeshed myself in my version of him, you see... heroin ropes in everyone... not just the ones who use it.
if it really is the go to pick up spot then that's sad
but heroin is everywhere. anyone can find it whenever they want, it doesn't matter, when the BF was using my eyes were opened to that. Just because they prefer an inner city outhouse doesn't mean there isn't one in the burbs. so glad to hear you are working on you.
One thing I've noticed is that my addict has gone no contact with any codependents in his life who are not seeking recovery, and he has boundaries with me and my codie behaviours the same way I do with his addict ones... not sure cuz I don't know the situation, but if he is working for the SA then it sounds like he is putting his recovery first? My addict gets highly offended and pushed away when anyone tries to enmeshed themselves in his recovery anymore.
there's this 80s song that reminds me of what RAs need... "just hold on loosely..." maybe he was feeling a little bit smothered. IDK, just my ESH. either way none of that matters if you are positive you want NC... right? If he is using, that's his choice. we can't change them. take what you want and leave the rest. and NO you are not a bad person. I have also enmeshed myself in my version of him, you see... heroin ropes in everyone... not just the ones who use it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
Thank you for.the response...
Interestingly....I dont believe he is in active recovery. He knew i was in Alanon and working on my kwn recovery, boundaries etc...which he wasnt too keen on.
His mother has NEVER sought treatment for her codependancy, enabling or her issues surrounding being married to an AH for 45yrs, and having a son with a death wish type addictive behaviours.
He goes to her because she normalizes his behavior in he way i which he never has to say he is sorry to her or revisit issues of past hurt and wrongdoings. She is in such deep denial that as long as he isnt actively selling her furniture/food etc for his drug of choice...then he is DOING FANTASTIC!
I cant ever have a conversation about his behaviour because all she says is..."well, he is fine to us" and whether it LOOKS like he is doing the right things.....then that means he is cured this time!!
He spends an awful.lot if time with her and actually his nasty, beligernet avoidant behaviours started up again when he started to speak with her regularly and their relationship started to get better because time has passed.....
When he started the program, he had distance from her enabling, etc and i noticed a marked difference in his acting behaviors of someone who seemed to have hit rock bottom as he would do anything to be in recovery.
Also, SA offered him the promise if a job and a place to stay as well as an "early release from rehab 4mo early" because of his talent as a chef. So everything he was in their for.....his recovery, working on himself, finding a place to stay, findng a job (all of which he lost just 2 mo lrior)
He had no other motivation to continue with real recovery once he got all thise things he lost promised to him almist immediately,..
I think that's why I have such a problem with the illusion of what he wants eveeyine to see.....*perplexed*
Interestingly....I dont believe he is in active recovery. He knew i was in Alanon and working on my kwn recovery, boundaries etc...which he wasnt too keen on.
His mother has NEVER sought treatment for her codependancy, enabling or her issues surrounding being married to an AH for 45yrs, and having a son with a death wish type addictive behaviours.
He goes to her because she normalizes his behavior in he way i which he never has to say he is sorry to her or revisit issues of past hurt and wrongdoings. She is in such deep denial that as long as he isnt actively selling her furniture/food etc for his drug of choice...then he is DOING FANTASTIC!
I cant ever have a conversation about his behaviour because all she says is..."well, he is fine to us" and whether it LOOKS like he is doing the right things.....then that means he is cured this time!!
He spends an awful.lot if time with her and actually his nasty, beligernet avoidant behaviours started up again when he started to speak with her regularly and their relationship started to get better because time has passed.....
When he started the program, he had distance from her enabling, etc and i noticed a marked difference in his acting behaviors of someone who seemed to have hit rock bottom as he would do anything to be in recovery.
Also, SA offered him the promise if a job and a place to stay as well as an "early release from rehab 4mo early" because of his talent as a chef. So everything he was in their for.....his recovery, working on himself, finding a place to stay, findng a job (all of which he lost just 2 mo lrior)
He had no other motivation to continue with real recovery once he got all thise things he lost promised to him almist immediately,..
I think that's why I have such a problem with the illusion of what he wants eveeyine to see.....*perplexed*
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Wow, workingonme, a couple things in your thread really hit home with me. Granted, I was not in a 'committed' relationship with my addict, but we saw each other for almost a year and a half, he knew I was waiting/hoping for a real relationship with him, he told me he loved me and more importantly, he KNEW I loved him - even told me he'd have to be blind to not see that I was in love with him.
So, the first thing that triggered me was when you mentioned how he acted before your birthday. Last year, exactly one week before my birthday, I was at his house and told him I'd really like to see him the following weekend for my birthday - no pressure, didn't want to go out to dinner or anything like that - just wanted to see HIM, be with HIM. He told me to text him the day before to remind him about it (because God forbid he actually make an effort into remembering something I wanted), so I did - no response that night. Then the next morning, the day of my birthday, I get a text from him, "Sorry about last night, was feeling sick and 'crashed' early, still not feeling too great, don't think I'm gonna be able to do tonight, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!" Really?? After you ask me to text you, I do and then end up feeling like an ass because you blow me off yet AGAIN. And let's not forget that the REAL reason he probably crashed that night was because he was coming off his coke high.
Second trigger - I know what you mean about him just 'being done' with you. That's exactly how I feel. The last time I was at his house, he told me he still loved me and wanted to continue to see me (even though he was at the time yelling at me to 'Get the f*** out of his house') and then 6 weeks later, after I texted him about coming over, I get back a text saying "Ummm, well! Been dreadin to have to tell ya this, but I've started seeing someone." I was just blindsided (especially because in the beginning, he just kept talking about how long we've known each other, that he didn't want to hurt that friendship or his friendship with my brothers and especially didn't want to hurt me and then THAT'S how he ends it?? Not only hurting me, but sh*tting on me on his way out, too?? And I just feel the same way you do - like everything for the last three weeks has just seemed surreal, and part of me still can't believe that it happened and that it's just....OVER. That's it. I'll never hear from him again, my text alert will never go off with a message from him again....he's just totally and completely DONE with me, and I have no idea WHY or what I did!! It's like he just made up his mind to end it and then tried to do it as cruelly and hurtfully as possible. I'm not saying he wasn't allowed to end it if it wasn't working for him anymore, but I thought if it ended, we would do it the same way we came into this thing - with respect for each other and for the long history we've had. And same thing, everyone says addicts always come back...well, not in my case. I don't ever expect to hear anything from him ever again, and as much as I know that's a GOOD thing and I'm so much better off, it still hurts so badly and deeply. I also wonder if he feels guilt or shame about the way he ended it, or if he did it the way he did because he knew he couldn't look me in the eyes and do it.
And I'm also moving (slowly) forward and making progress, but it's so damn hard and I'm still just so confused about what went on the last few months. I, for one, am not judging you and I know nobody else here is, either. We've all been there and gone through it and still ARE going through it. But the important thing is that you are now beginning to concentrate on YOU and as we know, that is all we can do. You're really doing great and you just have to keep on moving forward! Hang in there, workingonme - we're all right here with you!!
So, the first thing that triggered me was when you mentioned how he acted before your birthday. Last year, exactly one week before my birthday, I was at his house and told him I'd really like to see him the following weekend for my birthday - no pressure, didn't want to go out to dinner or anything like that - just wanted to see HIM, be with HIM. He told me to text him the day before to remind him about it (because God forbid he actually make an effort into remembering something I wanted), so I did - no response that night. Then the next morning, the day of my birthday, I get a text from him, "Sorry about last night, was feeling sick and 'crashed' early, still not feeling too great, don't think I'm gonna be able to do tonight, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!" Really?? After you ask me to text you, I do and then end up feeling like an ass because you blow me off yet AGAIN. And let's not forget that the REAL reason he probably crashed that night was because he was coming off his coke high.
Second trigger - I know what you mean about him just 'being done' with you. That's exactly how I feel. The last time I was at his house, he told me he still loved me and wanted to continue to see me (even though he was at the time yelling at me to 'Get the f*** out of his house') and then 6 weeks later, after I texted him about coming over, I get back a text saying "Ummm, well! Been dreadin to have to tell ya this, but I've started seeing someone." I was just blindsided (especially because in the beginning, he just kept talking about how long we've known each other, that he didn't want to hurt that friendship or his friendship with my brothers and especially didn't want to hurt me and then THAT'S how he ends it?? Not only hurting me, but sh*tting on me on his way out, too?? And I just feel the same way you do - like everything for the last three weeks has just seemed surreal, and part of me still can't believe that it happened and that it's just....OVER. That's it. I'll never hear from him again, my text alert will never go off with a message from him again....he's just totally and completely DONE with me, and I have no idea WHY or what I did!! It's like he just made up his mind to end it and then tried to do it as cruelly and hurtfully as possible. I'm not saying he wasn't allowed to end it if it wasn't working for him anymore, but I thought if it ended, we would do it the same way we came into this thing - with respect for each other and for the long history we've had. And same thing, everyone says addicts always come back...well, not in my case. I don't ever expect to hear anything from him ever again, and as much as I know that's a GOOD thing and I'm so much better off, it still hurts so badly and deeply.
I also wonder if he feels guilt or shame about the way he ended it, or if he did it the way he did because he knew he couldn't look me in the eyes and do it.And I'm also moving (slowly) forward and making progress, but it's so damn hard and I'm still just so confused about what went on the last few months. I, for one, am not judging you and I know nobody else here is, either. We've all been there and gone through it and still ARE going through it. But the important thing is that you are now beginning to concentrate on YOU and as we know, that is all we can do. You're really doing great and you just have to keep on moving forward! Hang in there, workingonme - we're all right here with you!!
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