Daughter angry with me
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
Daughter angry with me
Hi!
This might be similiar to a thread I posted last week about my daughter calling me crazy. Last night my 14 yr daughter and I had a tiff. She is being very disrespectful to me and seems to have a lot of anger. She is trying to control what I do, etc. She told me last night this isn't my home because I don't work - RAH works and pays for everything. This "sentiment" has been spoken by RAH many times to me. There is a lot more but I'm really heartbroken right now. I did reflect back on the comments from the thread I mentioned above but I'm really hurting right now. I love my daugther so much and I can't beleive she's being so disrespectful to me. I am thinking if taking her to counseling. I've talked to her about Alateen but she's not interested. I've also picked up an Alateen daily reader and she rejected it. Guess she is behaving a bit like an alcoholic and I should use the tools I've learned to deal with her. I'm just having a tough time with the line between parenting and detaching ....??????
This might be similiar to a thread I posted last week about my daughter calling me crazy. Last night my 14 yr daughter and I had a tiff. She is being very disrespectful to me and seems to have a lot of anger. She is trying to control what I do, etc. She told me last night this isn't my home because I don't work - RAH works and pays for everything. This "sentiment" has been spoken by RAH many times to me. There is a lot more but I'm really heartbroken right now. I did reflect back on the comments from the thread I mentioned above but I'm really hurting right now. I love my daugther so much and I can't beleive she's being so disrespectful to me. I am thinking if taking her to counseling. I've talked to her about Alateen but she's not interested. I've also picked up an Alateen daily reader and she rejected it. Guess she is behaving a bit like an alcoholic and I should use the tools I've learned to deal with her. I'm just having a tough time with the line between parenting and detaching ....??????
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I have teenage daughters. I pick my battles. So she is being disrespectful...its what teenagers do when they are fueled by raging hormones. Some of the crap that comes out of my 15 yr old's mouth is slap-worthy, but I ignore 98% of it. The other 2% I respond to when I have PMS or when she tries to boss me around in public. And my responses are usually not good, either. But hey, progress, not perfection.
So I ask again, so what? If she is doing ok otherwise, I'd be inclined to let the disrespect go. If you see other issues appearing, or if the disrespect becomes absolutely intolerable, then address it calmly yet assertively. And remember, like your RAH, she knows what buttons to push.
So I ask again, so what? If she is doing ok otherwise, I'd be inclined to let the disrespect go. If you see other issues appearing, or if the disrespect becomes absolutely intolerable, then address it calmly yet assertively. And remember, like your RAH, she knows what buttons to push.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear CAgirl9, I can't agree that blatant disrespect (as you just described) is just normal, expected behavior---and I don't think it can just be chocked up to just hormones. If she gets used to disrespecting you at 14yrs.---can you imagine what H*** you are in for when she is 16yrs??
Living with alcoholism in the home--and a disrespectful recovering alcoholic is a nightmare for the adult---and it is MUCH WORSE for the children. Teenagers are very prone to act out their feelings---and she has a lot of reason to be angry, I can just imagine! Remember that their brains are not like adult brains and they do not have the verbal ability to fully express what they are feeling. Also she has had her father teach her how to disrespect you. She even used his exact words!!!
I would suggest that you go yourself for a consultation with a child or family psychologist to figure out how best to deal with this situation---what kind of counseling; including whole family or not; etc., etc.
I think the worst thing would to be to do nothing--hoping that it is just a teenage "phase". Alcoholism is a family disease because there is a ripple effect on EVERYONE. The children are effected the most and it can last for their whole lives.
I am being very direct with you because I think it is critical for your daughter. I am no expert, of course---but I am saying that I think taking this to a credible PROFESSIONAL would be a very wise move for the welfare of your family.
Very sincerely, dandylion
Living with alcoholism in the home--and a disrespectful recovering alcoholic is a nightmare for the adult---and it is MUCH WORSE for the children. Teenagers are very prone to act out their feelings---and she has a lot of reason to be angry, I can just imagine! Remember that their brains are not like adult brains and they do not have the verbal ability to fully express what they are feeling. Also she has had her father teach her how to disrespect you. She even used his exact words!!!
I would suggest that you go yourself for a consultation with a child or family psychologist to figure out how best to deal with this situation---what kind of counseling; including whole family or not; etc., etc.
I think the worst thing would to be to do nothing--hoping that it is just a teenage "phase". Alcoholism is a family disease because there is a ripple effect on EVERYONE. The children are effected the most and it can last for their whole lives.
I am being very direct with you because I think it is critical for your daughter. I am no expert, of course---but I am saying that I think taking this to a credible PROFESSIONAL would be a very wise move for the welfare of your family.
Very sincerely, dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
Thank you! I think part of my denial is the impact of alcoholism on my daughter. And the manipulation from RAH.
Dandylion - thank you very much for being direct- I truly appreciate it. I made an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow am. I've been to this therapist(a year ago) he specializes in substance/alcohol abuse and he's really good. I'm looking forward to learning some more tools to help me.
Dandylion - thank you very much for being direct- I truly appreciate it. I made an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow am. I've been to this therapist(a year ago) he specializes in substance/alcohol abuse and he's really good. I'm looking forward to learning some more tools to help me.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by CAgirl9 
Thank you! I think part of my denial is the impact of alcoholism on my daughter. And the manipulation from RAH.
Dandylion - thank you very much for being direct- I truly appreciate it. I made an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow am. I've been to this therapist(a year ago) he specializes in substance/alcohol abuse and he's really good. I'm looking forward to learning some more tools to help me.
Dandylion - thank you very much for being direct- I truly appreciate it. I made an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow am. I've been to this therapist(a year ago) he specializes in substance/alcohol abuse and he's really good. I'm looking forward to learning some more tools to help me.
Denial is a tough one to get through, but since you already acknowledge it, you are halfway there.
I am so glad for you and your daughter you are taking these steps to improve your lives.
Beth
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I always liked Bill Cosby's line, "I brought you into this world, and I can take you OUT."
My own favorite was, "Because I'm the MOM, that's why." Really, that's what it comes down to. What difference does it make who pays the bills in terms of your right to act like a parent? Your authority comes from your parenthood, not a paycheck.
My own favorite was, "Because I'm the MOM, that's why." Really, that's what it comes down to. What difference does it make who pays the bills in terms of your right to act like a parent? Your authority comes from your parenthood, not a paycheck.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I was a daddy's girl and my mom and I didn't get along when I was a teenager. I remember saying something very similar to my mom that your daughter said to you.
I can't imagine how badly my mom who was a wonderful mother, and whom I was lucky enough to have as stay at home mom, felt when I said such things.
It makes me cringe to think about it in fact it makes me want to call her up right now and apologize to her 30 years after the fact.
I did grow out of a**hole phase. But I will say this, my Dad would knock me senseless (metaphorically) for saying something disrespectful to my mom. It was not tolerated AT ALL. Perhaps this isn't a healthy situation for anyone living in your house.
I can't imagine how badly my mom who was a wonderful mother, and whom I was lucky enough to have as stay at home mom, felt when I said such things.
It makes me cringe to think about it in fact it makes me want to call her up right now and apologize to her 30 years after the fact.
I did grow out of a**hole phase. But I will say this, my Dad would knock me senseless (metaphorically) for saying something disrespectful to my mom. It was not tolerated AT ALL. Perhaps this isn't a healthy situation for anyone living in your house.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
It sounds like she is just lashing out. She might have resentments from things that have gone on in the house and this might be her way of letting some anger/steam off.
I would try some family counseling this way you two can work it out. She might not even realize what she is acting this way towards you. I know when my dad died (not drug related) I really was disrespectful to my mom and it wasn't under I got some counseling that I realized the anger I had had nothing to do with my mom she was just an easy outlet. I was your daughters age when I went and although I did not want to go, I am glad I was forced to. A neutral third party is always good at bridging the gaps between teens and parents.
I would try some family counseling this way you two can work it out. She might not even realize what she is acting this way towards you. I know when my dad died (not drug related) I really was disrespectful to my mom and it wasn't under I got some counseling that I realized the anger I had had nothing to do with my mom she was just an easy outlet. I was your daughters age when I went and although I did not want to go, I am glad I was forced to. A neutral third party is always good at bridging the gaps between teens and parents.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
This sounds like teenage behaviour.
I think deep down your daughter knows the truth but is just speaking what your RAH tells her because she is a teenager.
My XH used to tell my kids I was an alcoholic & spent all my money on booze, they just listened, didn't comment & knew it was a complete lie.
I think deep down your daughter knows the truth but is just speaking what your RAH tells her because she is a teenager.
My XH used to tell my kids I was an alcoholic & spent all my money on booze, they just listened, didn't comment & knew it was a complete lie.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
Thanks for all the great comments.
DD and I had a wonderful evening last night. : ) RAH is out of state visiting his mom for a few days so DD and I went to dinner last night. She was sweet as could be. I think she realizes how poorly she treated me but she was not able to apologize. That's okay for now - at least she bounced back to her sweet self. I know she has a lot going on in her teen brain. I just hate that all this disfunction in our home isn't helping.
I had a wonderful session with my therapist this morning. He basicaly told me DD has a lot of fear - feed by the situation of an alcoholic home. RAH has set the stage to blame me for our broken marriage/family/everything. DD is just repeating what she's heard from RAH. My therapist told me the only thing I can do to help DD is to not engage with RAH and to be a role model on how to take care of yourself. He suggested I try to get to as many Al Anon meetings as possible.
My therapist said it takes close to 4-5 years for someone to get through recovery and be able to contribute to a relationship and that marriage counseling at this point will most likely not have a good outcome. RAH is still blaming me for everything.
Therapist also said it sounds like RAH is pushing me towards divorce. If I file then RAH can play the victim. Therapist warned me there is nothing I can do to change that and I need to be prepared to be blamed by RAH for a divorce.
There's a quote therapist told me, I'm sure many have heard this before "Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages" I love that quote! I do feel like I've been a hostage!! I know I should not put up with his verbal/emotional abuse and disrespect -I DESERVE BETTER!! I'm almost ready for divorce, I just need a little more time to get stronger. I'm almost there though. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it feels great- I'm hopeful. Thank you again for all the replies and support!
DD and I had a wonderful evening last night. : ) RAH is out of state visiting his mom for a few days so DD and I went to dinner last night. She was sweet as could be. I think she realizes how poorly she treated me but she was not able to apologize. That's okay for now - at least she bounced back to her sweet self. I know she has a lot going on in her teen brain. I just hate that all this disfunction in our home isn't helping.
I had a wonderful session with my therapist this morning. He basicaly told me DD has a lot of fear - feed by the situation of an alcoholic home. RAH has set the stage to blame me for our broken marriage/family/everything. DD is just repeating what she's heard from RAH. My therapist told me the only thing I can do to help DD is to not engage with RAH and to be a role model on how to take care of yourself. He suggested I try to get to as many Al Anon meetings as possible.
My therapist said it takes close to 4-5 years for someone to get through recovery and be able to contribute to a relationship and that marriage counseling at this point will most likely not have a good outcome. RAH is still blaming me for everything.
Therapist also said it sounds like RAH is pushing me towards divorce. If I file then RAH can play the victim. Therapist warned me there is nothing I can do to change that and I need to be prepared to be blamed by RAH for a divorce.
There's a quote therapist told me, I'm sure many have heard this before "Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages" I love that quote! I do feel like I've been a hostage!! I know I should not put up with his verbal/emotional abuse and disrespect -I DESERVE BETTER!! I'm almost ready for divorce, I just need a little more time to get stronger. I'm almost there though. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it feels great- I'm hopeful. Thank you again for all the replies and support!
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If she is doing ok otherwise, I'd be inclined to let the disrespect go. If you see other issues appearing, or if the disrespect becomes absolutely intolerable, then address it calmly yet assertively. And remember, like your RAH, she knows what buttons to push.
Hurt people hurt people. I have a 14-year-old. She's an absolute angel to her father (AXH) and an absolute bitchmonster from hell to me. Because she trusts me. She feels safe with me. That's all. She's hurting so damn bad she's barely holding together.
I would see the rudeness not as bad behavior to be disciplined away but a symptom that there's underlying issues. Getting a 14-year-old who doesn't want to go to a counselor to do it is another ball of wax. They tend to be like the proverbial 500 pound gorilla....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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also remember that children will act out towards the SAFER parent, if there is one. she has a lot of pent up STUFF and at 14 simply doesn't have the skills to process....teenagers on a good day are simply awful creatures, add in a lifetime growing up around addiction and it just ain't gonna be good.
now, that does not mean you need to just take her crap but you can learn to not take it personal. she needs to know you are THERE - steady, safe and consistent. that can she CAN be horrid and not suffer traumatic consequences. that you will still love her just as much. that you won't play games, that you won't use her as a pawn. that you will be the adult, and her survival is assured.
now, that does not mean you need to just take her crap but you can learn to not take it personal. she needs to know you are THERE - steady, safe and consistent. that can she CAN be horrid and not suffer traumatic consequences. that you will still love her just as much. that you won't play games, that you won't use her as a pawn. that you will be the adult, and her survival is assured.
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