horriblethisis

If I walk away...I walk away from my marriage and vows of "for better or worse"...and that makes me feel like a horrible, horrible person!

If I stay...I continue on with my sad life...succumbing to the world and cycle of addition...needing to continue attending alanon meetings for the rest of my life?

I went to my regular alanon meeting last night, and listened to a woman explain that her life with her AH is working because Alanon has worked for her for the last 30 years! Seriously?? THIRTY YEARS of her life attending Alanon??? I left there crying my eyes out all night...because I DO NOT want that to be who I become! I don't want that life!

Will God forgive me if I walk away from my marriage and this life of addiction with my AH? I just don't think I can handle it physically, emotionally or otherwise.

Kindeyes

Then don't walk away.....you're simply not ready to do that.....and that's OK! Al-Anon does not suggest or insinuate in any way that leaving the addict is the answer.......it does say that we are all accountable for our own happiness and serenity. And you are still in search of that......

How I feel about something is entirely up to me. I could look at being at meetings as some kind of zombie death sentence but I choose not to. I will attend until I don't feel the need to attend anymore.....that may be for another year or the rest of my life.....I just don't know. I dont think in those terms. I will go until I am no longer getting anything out of it. Who knows......perhaps Al-Anon isn't the right place for you if you're not getting out of it what you need......and that's ok too....but I hope you will keep searching until you find what you do need to find happiness and serenity in your life.

Sometimes it's impossible to even fathom doing something for the rest of our lives. And that's exactly how an addict feels. It is impossible for them to think in terms of not using....for the rest of their lives. That is why it is suggested that they take it one day at a time when they are in recovery. The same thing applies to those of us practicing a program of recovery on the Anon side of things too!

I am so sorry that you find yourself in such conflict. Will God forgive you? He will. The real question is....will you be able to forgive yourself? I walked away from my marriage to an addict 30 years ago. Two years later.....I met my husband. A strong, emotionally secure, non-addicted, gainfully employed man.....we've been married for 28 years. I love him deeply and he loves me. He treats me with love and respect. He is kind and considerate. He demonstrates his love for me daily and I do the same for him.

If I had stayed married to my XAH.....I think I would have simply wanted to curl up and die. I was so miserable in that marriage. And here we are 30 years later and that man is still addicted....my divorcing him didn't make him get clean and sober....but that's not why I left him. I left him to get MY life back. Today....he is still angry.....addicted....and blames me, his second ex-wife, and the world for all of his problems. He's held onto that attitude toward life for 30 YEARS! It is very sad. I thank God every day for giving me the courage to change my own path......

Do I think God forgives me for leaving that marriage? Not only do I think God forgives me but I believe God blessed me with a wonderful partner. And do I forgive myself? Absolutely.

You'll do whatever you need to do for you when you're ready......and not a minute sooner.

gentle hugs
ke

ladybugxo

You know horriblethisis, I feel the same way. It really annoys me that this addict has affected me in such a way that I can't seem to get the crap out of my mind. Who wants to spend their life going to meetings to learn how to live with someone that is supposed to be a partner? I am so glad there are support groups for everyone but that's just how I feel about all of that for me. It angers me to think someone who I loved with all I had took drugs over me. But, that's the reality of it. Addicts are all about their addiction and nothing comes before that. I had to walk away and stuff all my feelings down. If addicts could take their drugs and maintain a 'normal' life in a way that didn't hurt others lives that would be wonderful, but we all know too well how it affects spouses. It makes us less in a marriage and we're always second to the drug. How bazarre! Everyone's situation is different and in my case, I guess it was how I was raised. My belief system makes me hang on to the idea that married couples are each other's life partners and have each others back when the world gets crazy. With my addict I never got that security back after he displayed all the crazyness that his drugs caused, the lying, stealing and the overall shadyness.

Hanna

I have a really hard time believing that God wants to have two of his children suffering without cause or benefit.

If you could help him, that might be different but since I've come to believe you cannot, it seems wrong for you to stay and suffer alongside him.

I actually believe that taking care of yourself is the moral thing to do here.

jerect

I'm not a religious person but I do find myself to be deeply spiritual.. And I know that God was the one that led me out of my marriage and into a better life and will one day lead me to a healthy partner...

How do I know this.. I was struggling with the decision to divorce my husband, even after he had physically laid his hands on me I was still struggling.. :/ anyway, ill never forget.. I was at the gym before work trying to work out, trying to pretend that everything was still normal when I just burst into tears.. I found myself on the bathroom floor on my hands and knees begging God to just "take this " from me and just do his will and lead me into the right direction.. Within a few days I had found a lawyer and had filed for divorce.. I won't lie, I struggled, I was sad but I never once tried to take control of the situation.. I had a inner peace during my awful storm because I knew I was doing the right thing and that god had my back.. And you know what He still does, three months later.. Things that are unexplainable just seem to fall into place..

I hope this helps and I'm sorry for my ramble.. God wants us to be happy, not to stay in a situation that is unhealthy for us and our kids..

h00ped

There is a verse in the Bible that says if a man is a (unrepentant) drunkard to not even eat with him.

Not sure if that was intended to be applied within a marriage, but I believe there are justified reasons beyond infidelity and abandonment for at least a separation, if not a full-on dissolution of a marriage.

Disclaimer: I'm in no way suggesting what I think you should do, just making a connection between one passage of the Bible that *might* also be applicable within a family relationship.

iztal7776

I read somewhere that forgiving yourself is like this: you accept what happened, you accept the consequences and leave it in the past. You did not know this was gonna happen, but it has, and you can accept either living with it or saying no and leaving it behind. If you wanna get technical, he said he would love and cherish you and with the drugs, he went back on it. Whatever you decide to do, don't let guilt get to you. God forgives.

bunkie65

Im so very sorry for the pain and confusion your going through right now. Addiction affects all of us that live or have lived with it. I know the heart ache of feeling lost, sad, miserable, lonely, angry, hurt and any other negative emotion that comes from trying to help a addict and watching them self destruct. It is hell on earth. At least for me it was and is. If I don't take care of myself spriirtally, emotionally and mentally I find myself consumed and opressed by someone elses choices.

I had to first figure out who the hell I was and what I was feeling and learn how to let those feelings go before I could start taking care of me.. I had to heal from the damage that was done in my life because of alcoholism and addiction. My parents were both raised by alcoholics. They learned and suffered from their parents choices and did not have the tools to live a healthy life because of their childhoods, thus causing my childhood to be extremely dysfunctional. I was a severe, still am codepenant. A recovering one!

I met and fell in love with a man and several years later discovered he was a addict. I went to alanon to fix him, get help for him. I soon realized I needed alot of help. This was what led me to alanon. I still go and its been over 10 years. I go for me. It helps me to live a healthier live. Teaches me how to take care of me. How to detach with love and gives me tools to live a life with serinity and have that. And use those tools in all my affiars. I found the courage to change what I could and that was me. And still am changing and recovering.

I have always had a strong sense and belief in God, but the spiritual awareness and "awakening" I get from going to meetings and the clarity I recieve keeps me going back to meetings. I call it a kind of self help program.

I found for me I could not live with active addiction. I also found that I could love someone that choose to use and learned how to not take it personal what they choose to do with their life. I let go of anger, bitterness and resentment. I stoped being a "victim" and a marytar. Things I was unaware I was until I began working on me. I learned how to let go of the outcomes and my will and asked God to help me desire his will and the power to carry that out.

Addiction sucks. It is a horrible life for the addict and the people close to the addict. I can say that no one can tell you what to do and alanon it a program for people that want to understand themselfs and the sickness of addiction. It is for us not them that we go to meetings.

Keep praying and seeking Gods will for your life. He will give you the answers you need and ask him for the strength to do what he says you should. Let peace be your guide. At least that's what works for me.

Prayers and hugs!

horriblethisis

If I could reach out and give you all a hug, that is what I would do. If I didn't have SR to go to, I would be crazy! Thanks so much!

laurie6781

First of all, I am not sure that is a "God made law or rule." I do believe it is a "Man made law." contrived by men many hundreds of years ago, interrupting the Bible to keep women in their place.

Second of all, I do not believe "in sickness and in health" mean for a person to stay with a spouse that is this ill. God does not want us to 'suffer'. God wants us to be "happy, joyous, and free" at least in my understanding.

I have a very 'warped view' of organized religion, partly do to my upbringing in the Catholic church. Started to get a real sense of clarity about the difference in organized religion and living a 'spiritual way of life,' by reading Emmett Foxx's "Sermon on The Mount."

You will do what you are most comfortable with for now. As said above Alanon does NOT tell us to stay or to go. With each person that is an individual decision. Some are like the woman you heard at the Alanon meeting and they do stay. My alanon sponsor was a 'double winner', sober in AA and a long time in Alanon as she chose to stay with her husband, but more so for the financial end. California is a community property state, and she was not about to let him get half of the equity in her home, a home that she totally paid for through their whole marriage. There was not one mortgage payment that he ever made.

She was able to have her own life. He lived in one of the other bedrooms and she went about her own life. Work, meetings, concerts, dinner with friends, etc They were always only 'distant roommates.'

She helped me a lot, in making that decision "stay or go." And I didn't make it right away, I stayed for 3 years, before I finally realized that I didn't CAUSE his addiction, I couldn't CONTROL his addiction, and I sure as hell could not CURE his addiction. I was NOT God.

Whatever you decide, the decision does not have to be made right this minute, and we are here for you and will continue to walk with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

ps: there is nothing to forgive if you walk away, but since you feel there is then in my humble opinion YES, God will forgive you!!!!

Maylie

I sometimes get freaked out when I hear that people have been going to meetings for 30 years also. I sit back and think "Oh my god, am I never going to get passed this? Will this always be a problem?!" and then I remember, I am the only one that can change the path my life is going.

If I don't make changes and I stay with an unhealthy partner and stay in what is "comfortable" then I will need meetings for the next 60 years, but if I take what I learned in those meetings and start putting myself first and doing what is right for ME and not worrying about everyone else maybe I won't need those meetings forever. I usually try to remember the saying "Nothing changes if nothing changes".

As for your vows, only you can decide how much your vows entitled and whether drug addiction falls under in sickness and in health. IMO someone who choses to continually be in sickness when there are treatments/options to be healthy shouldn't get to rely on that vow. There is a big difference from being extremely ill and making the decision to keep using drugs. (I'm not saying addiction isn't a sickess or isn't hard...I am saying as a recovered heroin addict that as much as I was addicted I made a conscious decision EVERY time I used).

For now just try to focus on yourself. Treat yourself right and get emotionally and physically healthy. I more healthy we are the better able to are to handle situations that come our way. Nothing needs to be decided today.

AnvilheadII

traditional wedding vows (which are not found in the bible, anywhere) date back to 1549 AD, from the Book of Common Prayer of the Church of England. King Henry VIII led the Reformation when the Church split from Rome and papal authority. Henry was at the time married to Catherine of Aragon, who failed to produce an heir, but the Catholic church did not recognize divorce. By separating the Church of England from Rome's rule, his marriage to Catherine was deemed null and void and his secret marriage to Anne Boleyn was declared valid.

upon Catherine's death and Anne's inability to produce a male heir, Anne was accused of treason, put on trial and condemned to death. Henry went on to marry again, for a total of six times.

In 16th Century Europe the average lifespan for men was 30 and for women 24, unless you were nobility. 85% of the population were peasants. between the constant wars and famines and plagues and the high mortality rate, the loss of a spouse was quite common; and new marriages were quickly sought and entered into. women often died in childbirth.

in those times "sickness" was of the plague, pleurisy, starvation kind. health was often short lived. for "better" or "worse" had more to do with failed crops, invasions, wars, falling out of favor with royalty, children who died. as 40 was considered OLD, "til death do us part" was almost a certainty.

jerect

Concerning alanon meetings; I've been divorced from my addict for three months now and even though I'm doing so much better I still attend alanon regularly.. I don't know how long I will attend, maybe for 6 more months maybe for the rest of my life.. I'm not going for the addict or ex addict in my life, I'm going for me because my life has been affected by a drug addict and the 12 step program is helping me to be the new and stronger me and I'm not even close to being done yet.. I think recovery for a codependent is life long just like it is for an addict.. I know for me if I quit going to meetings I will slide back down the rabbit hole and probably need alanon again because I'm in a relationship with yet another substance abuser.. I would rather need it for myself rather then because of the latter..

Just my two cents

Neagrm

The 12-Step program is a spiritual program that teaches how to live a healthy life and supports strength, happiness and serenity; things one needs forever, not just for a day or a few weeks/months. For me it's a philosophy and way of life that keeps me in a strong and healthy place.

It can take a while to understand and comprehend this. And I didn't really get it until I got serous and found a sponsor who loves me to life. Different meetings have different people and different qualities. I'm very fortunate to have a very healthy, established meeting nearby that enriches my life beyond anything I imagined when I was younger.

To stop my connection to Al-Anon would be like trying to keep my body alive over time without food and water.

When I first went to a meeting years ago, I was in deep emotional pain. Now I go for self-knowledge and self-support, for the gratifying and profound gifts of service that benefit everyone.

Be patient, give yourself the gift of time and unconditional love. And never give up your search for contentment and peace. There are numerous ways to get there and it's closer than you think. Blessings....

LoveMeNow

I personally hope someday a 12 step recovery program will be offered as an elective at colleges. If I had only known then what I understand now......

I doubt I would have taken it then though, my immaturity would probably have even thought it was stupid. However, I think more and more families are being affected by addiction and hopefully the "shame" associated with it will someday be replaced with awareness and more compassion within society. JMHO

shinebright7

KINDEYES SAID:
Thank you for this important perspective. I almost freaked myself out of not getting out of the car at my first meeting because I was like YIKES! If I walk through those doors, what does it mean for the REST OF MY LIFE!?

I wound up going in because I was so desperate for help NOW and the rest of my life didn't really matter. But if I had stayed worrying about the rest of my life and thinking I was going to have to go to meetings forever, I could have talked myself out of it.

Then I got into the meetings and heard people talking about how they were married 30 years and still married to their alcoholic and I was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

No way can I have that be my life. Something has to change right now. ANd I wanted that instant fix.

But now I see that it is all about ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I actually read something on FB the other day that suggested trying to go for one whole day only talking about TODAY.

Nothing about yesterday and nothing about tomorrow.

I haven't made a super conscious effort around that idea yet, but the awareness of it has made me hear myself when I do say something about yesterday or tomorrow.

SO INTERESTING!

I am going to try to make a more conscious effort around only talking about today -- to see what that's like. As far as I can see, it can only help me!

And same thing with going to Al Anon meetings. So far I have been to 36 meetings in 35 days.

Will i continue that pattern? Who knows and who cares? I'm just going to keep doing what feels right in the moment and doing the best job to take care of myself --

And also have compassion for my husband who is faced with the thoughts about not doing drugs or alcohol EVER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. It's daunting thing to consider. But one day at a time? Maybe he can do it. I don't know how he's thinking about it right now (not my business) but definitely thinking about this can help me have more compassion for him and I'm grateful for that.

lizwig

I've had these same thoughts before....but quickly turn myself around by remembering that within my all-anon meeting are people at different spots in their lives and recovery. Some, like me, are very new and really need the ESP these long time members offer. The long time members, in my eyes anyway, are often there to let us know we WILL get through...we will find clarity and strength...and whatever else we may need. If everyone stopped going as soon as they felt better or their addict chose recovery who would provide support and hope to the newcomers? I hope to provide that support down the road and trust I will continue going well into the future.

lizwig

ESP??!! Darn auto correct....I know you know what I meant. I used to have ESP ....at least I THOUGHT I knew what my son was up to all the time!!! I've come a long way!!