Wife is in recovery but out of love!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
Wife is in recovery but out of love!
Hi,
A bit of background for you...
I have been with my wife for 20 years ( in fact it's the anniversary of our first date on Monday) and we been married for 12 of those with four kids.
A couple of years ago the marriage got a bit stale and instead of working on it properly we started doing our own thing. Unfortunately, my wife's own thing became drinking and very quickly escalated to alcoholism.
At the end of last year she did medical detox through the NHS but relapsed after a month or so and spent Christmas and the New Year drunk. Unfortunately, around this time she went from being a high functioning alcoholic to being a pretty useless one! the final straw was her kissing some random bloke on a New Year's Eve party she attended without me. As a result January and February were filled with us arguing, moving out, moving back and generally being very unhappy.
The good news..... Is that four weeks ago she did a private home detox and is now receiving ongoing, daily, telephone therapy support from the same people and doing great. Unlike last time, she is completely aware that she is not going to be able to drink again and accepts this. She is looking 1 million times better and starting to get her life back on track.
The bad news.... And my reason for posting here, is that she has lost any romantic feelings for me. We get on okay, even laughing and joking with each other.... But she will readily admit that he does not have that " romantic spark" for me. We have even discussed, in quite a matter-of-fact way, that neither of us want to be in a relationship where we are unable to get physical affection from the other and how this may lead to us having to look at splitting up and finding " love " elsewhere. She fully understands that I miss that part of our life, but just doesn't have those feelings to offer me.
she herself, agrees that she does want a life with physical affection in it..... But is not interested in that right now and so doesn't know if her lack of feeling for me are simply a part of that general disinterest or actually feeling that are specific to me..... In other words, when she does start feeling like a cuddle, she won't want it with me.
So my question, is.... Is this likely to be a part of her recovery? Having spent a couple of years drunk will it take her time to remember that she does actually find me attractive!
I've discussed this with her and she agrees that that might be the case.... And in fact, hopes it is because she agrees that if she is going to find someone attractive in the future it would be very convenient if that was the hunky father of her children! but right now, she is just not interested.
To complicate things, she will still readily blame me ( or at least hold me partly responsible) for her drinking in the first place. I was never a bad husband but I was probably a rather naive one.... For example, I had a lot of hobbies and activities that did not involve her which, looking back, was pretty selfish behaviour and over a 20 year period I can see how it annoyed her. That said, we also had some pretty great times ( hence the four kids!)
So..... Right now I am, for my own sanity, trying to focus on myself on the basis that if I make myself a better man I will get a better woman. Of course, the hope is that the better woman is her but I have to start telling myself that it might not be ( because the thought of living the rest of my life, I'm only 39, without hugs and cuddles.... Let alone sex.... It's horrible!)
In a way, this would be far easier if she was nasty or ugly! or even nasty and ugly....... unfortunately, she's fun and beautiful!
So, only a couple weeks off her detox meds...... could she still be at a point where her feelings are muted and they will come back in time? or if she doesn't think I'm hot now is she not going to ever?
Lewis
A bit of background for you...
I have been with my wife for 20 years ( in fact it's the anniversary of our first date on Monday) and we been married for 12 of those with four kids.
A couple of years ago the marriage got a bit stale and instead of working on it properly we started doing our own thing. Unfortunately, my wife's own thing became drinking and very quickly escalated to alcoholism.
At the end of last year she did medical detox through the NHS but relapsed after a month or so and spent Christmas and the New Year drunk. Unfortunately, around this time she went from being a high functioning alcoholic to being a pretty useless one! the final straw was her kissing some random bloke on a New Year's Eve party she attended without me. As a result January and February were filled with us arguing, moving out, moving back and generally being very unhappy.
The good news..... Is that four weeks ago she did a private home detox and is now receiving ongoing, daily, telephone therapy support from the same people and doing great. Unlike last time, she is completely aware that she is not going to be able to drink again and accepts this. She is looking 1 million times better and starting to get her life back on track.
The bad news.... And my reason for posting here, is that she has lost any romantic feelings for me. We get on okay, even laughing and joking with each other.... But she will readily admit that he does not have that " romantic spark" for me. We have even discussed, in quite a matter-of-fact way, that neither of us want to be in a relationship where we are unable to get physical affection from the other and how this may lead to us having to look at splitting up and finding " love " elsewhere. She fully understands that I miss that part of our life, but just doesn't have those feelings to offer me.
she herself, agrees that she does want a life with physical affection in it..... But is not interested in that right now and so doesn't know if her lack of feeling for me are simply a part of that general disinterest or actually feeling that are specific to me..... In other words, when she does start feeling like a cuddle, she won't want it with me.
So my question, is.... Is this likely to be a part of her recovery? Having spent a couple of years drunk will it take her time to remember that she does actually find me attractive!
I've discussed this with her and she agrees that that might be the case.... And in fact, hopes it is because she agrees that if she is going to find someone attractive in the future it would be very convenient if that was the hunky father of her children! but right now, she is just not interested.
To complicate things, she will still readily blame me ( or at least hold me partly responsible) for her drinking in the first place. I was never a bad husband but I was probably a rather naive one.... For example, I had a lot of hobbies and activities that did not involve her which, looking back, was pretty selfish behaviour and over a 20 year period I can see how it annoyed her. That said, we also had some pretty great times ( hence the four kids!)
So..... Right now I am, for my own sanity, trying to focus on myself on the basis that if I make myself a better man I will get a better woman. Of course, the hope is that the better woman is her but I have to start telling myself that it might not be ( because the thought of living the rest of my life, I'm only 39, without hugs and cuddles.... Let alone sex.... It's horrible!)
In a way, this would be far easier if she was nasty or ugly! or even nasty and ugly....... unfortunately, she's fun and beautiful!
So, only a couple weeks off her detox meds...... could she still be at a point where her feelings are muted and they will come back in time? or if she doesn't think I'm hot now is she not going to ever?
Lewis
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to share some of your story with us. I am happy to read that your wife is embracing her sobriety and recovery! I am also happy that you are trying to focus on your own recovery. I wish you both continued success!
In my personal experience, the first few months of sobriety are rough. The brain, the body, and the spirit of the alcoholic are all miscombobulated (distorted). The entire system has been chemically dependent on Alcohol to deal with life on life's terms. Removing the alcohol, means having to learn a whole new coping system for dealing with life on life's terms.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also the recovering ex-wife of an alcoholic. We were married 14 years.
The first 90 days, I was in a mental fog. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I had to keep telling myself to focus, focus, focus.
My emotions were all over the place. I had feelings I had not dealt with in a long time. I had been in the habit of drowning feelings that made me uncomfortable. Sober, I was faced with them and had to learn to accept them.
Intimacy was a scary thing. How was I going to participate without having a little drink to relax? I had a lot of concerns in this area.
Your wife has counselling to help her deal with her feelings. She will get information, support and guidance from trained professionals. Good!
What about you? What type of support system do you have in place? This forum is a wonderful resource of support and information. Al-anon meetings are free and available worldwide for friends and family of alcoholics. Also, consider private counseling, especially someone trained in addictions.
Keep reaching out for support! We care about you.
Thank you for taking the time to share some of your story with us. I am happy to read that your wife is embracing her sobriety and recovery! I am also happy that you are trying to focus on your own recovery. I wish you both continued success!
In my personal experience, the first few months of sobriety are rough. The brain, the body, and the spirit of the alcoholic are all miscombobulated (distorted). The entire system has been chemically dependent on Alcohol to deal with life on life's terms. Removing the alcohol, means having to learn a whole new coping system for dealing with life on life's terms.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also the recovering ex-wife of an alcoholic. We were married 14 years.
The first 90 days, I was in a mental fog. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I had to keep telling myself to focus, focus, focus.
My emotions were all over the place. I had feelings I had not dealt with in a long time. I had been in the habit of drowning feelings that made me uncomfortable. Sober, I was faced with them and had to learn to accept them.
Intimacy was a scary thing. How was I going to participate without having a little drink to relax? I had a lot of concerns in this area.
Your wife has counselling to help her deal with her feelings. She will get information, support and guidance from trained professionals. Good!
What about you? What type of support system do you have in place? This forum is a wonderful resource of support and information. Al-anon meetings are free and available worldwide for friends and family of alcoholics. Also, consider private counseling, especially someone trained in addictions.
Keep reaching out for support! We care about you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
hi
Thanks for responding.
My " support" is coming from friends mostly ( who know we were going through some rough times and also new that she " drank a bit too much" - none of them know quite how bad it got. Which is a bit of a problem in itself because they view her not drinking now as being a " healthy phase" she is going through and will eventually be back to her old self! if only they knew!)
I also get support from the same people that she is using - they have a phone helpline service that I have called a couple of times to chat with.
I also read a lot..... A lot! so I know the things I should be doing to get through this. What I hate is the not knowing, with regards her feelings for me. I suppose what I was looking for, is someone to tell me " of course she doesn't find you attractive right now....... she's only just got herself started on getting straight, give her some time and those feelings may well return".
Equally, I guess I'd also like to hear " it sounds like your relationship is over, just because she stop drinking doesn't mean she should stop liking you in that way..... Get out now"
lol.... Obviously, I'd rather hear the more positive version but, after all this time, I'll take certainty over unlikely but possible positivity! the notion that I have to just sit around and be a good father, work hard, pay the bills and wait and see if she wants a cuddle before Christmas.......... is hard. Even more so because I wonder if, when her feelings do return ( is she still has no attraction to me) will she tell me or, to save hurting me, will she keep that from me until she bumps into someone else and things escalate to disaster level ( right now I could walk away and be her friend forever, I'd hate for her to find someone elsewhere..... While we are still " together" ..... And ruin that)
Lewis
Thanks for responding.
My " support" is coming from friends mostly ( who know we were going through some rough times and also new that she " drank a bit too much" - none of them know quite how bad it got. Which is a bit of a problem in itself because they view her not drinking now as being a " healthy phase" she is going through and will eventually be back to her old self! if only they knew!)
I also get support from the same people that she is using - they have a phone helpline service that I have called a couple of times to chat with.
I also read a lot..... A lot! so I know the things I should be doing to get through this. What I hate is the not knowing, with regards her feelings for me. I suppose what I was looking for, is someone to tell me " of course she doesn't find you attractive right now....... she's only just got herself started on getting straight, give her some time and those feelings may well return".
Equally, I guess I'd also like to hear " it sounds like your relationship is over, just because she stop drinking doesn't mean she should stop liking you in that way..... Get out now"
lol.... Obviously, I'd rather hear the more positive version but, after all this time, I'll take certainty over unlikely but possible positivity! the notion that I have to just sit around and be a good father, work hard, pay the bills and wait and see if she wants a cuddle before Christmas.......... is hard. Even more so because I wonder if, when her feelings do return ( is she still has no attraction to me) will she tell me or, to save hurting me, will she keep that from me until she bumps into someone else and things escalate to disaster level ( right now I could walk away and be her friend forever, I'd hate for her to find someone elsewhere..... While we are still " together" ..... And ruin that)
Lewis
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
The alcoholic in my life is my DS, so its hard for me to comment too much on spouses in recovery, etc. A couple of thoughts did pop into my head, though. Firstly, the three main rules to memorize regarding addiction.
1. You did not cause it.
2. You can not control it.
3. You can not cure it.
Thus, when your wife blames you for her drinking- she is full of it. Her drinking behavior/alcoholism is hers to own.
A lot of what you talk about is just what happens in marriages. Their are ebbs and flows and I'm sure both of your behaviors contributed to that. How much of your estrangement is from her alcoholism and how much is just part of what many of us deal with? I tend to be conservative in these discussions about breaking up marriages when children are involved. Short of abuse/addiction (which, lol, YOU should be the one questioning whether you want to be in a marriage with an alcoholic and raising your children with an alcoholic!), people should work on their issues and do everything possible to keep their family intact. Marriage counseling could help a lot- but she has to be sober for it to be beneficial, imo.
So, only a couple weeks off her detox meds...... could she still be at a point where her feelings are muted and they will come back in time? or if she doesn't think I'm hot now is she not going to ever?
Yes and yes. It takes a while for an alcoholic's mind to clear. I am concerned about her selfishness and blaming of you, though.
Look into some al anon meetings and read about codependency. Work on yourself and your happiness. Your wife has been an alcoholic for a while, so I'm sure you've had to put up with some pretty unsettling behaviors. Why are you so worried about her wanting you? (besides the whole men and sex thing- I get it. That's a very strong desire for you guys. ;-). )
1. You did not cause it.
2. You can not control it.
3. You can not cure it.
Thus, when your wife blames you for her drinking- she is full of it. Her drinking behavior/alcoholism is hers to own.
A lot of what you talk about is just what happens in marriages. Their are ebbs and flows and I'm sure both of your behaviors contributed to that. How much of your estrangement is from her alcoholism and how much is just part of what many of us deal with? I tend to be conservative in these discussions about breaking up marriages when children are involved. Short of abuse/addiction (which, lol, YOU should be the one questioning whether you want to be in a marriage with an alcoholic and raising your children with an alcoholic!), people should work on their issues and do everything possible to keep their family intact. Marriage counseling could help a lot- but she has to be sober for it to be beneficial, imo.
So, only a couple weeks off her detox meds...... could she still be at a point where her feelings are muted and they will come back in time? or if she doesn't think I'm hot now is she not going to ever?
Yes and yes. It takes a while for an alcoholic's mind to clear. I am concerned about her selfishness and blaming of you, though.
Look into some al anon meetings and read about codependency. Work on yourself and your happiness. Your wife has been an alcoholic for a while, so I'm sure you've had to put up with some pretty unsettling behaviors. Why are you so worried about her wanting you? (besides the whole men and sex thing- I get it. That's a very strong desire for you guys. ;-). )
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
"Why are you so worried about her wanting you?"
lol....good question!
When I stop and look at it sensibly I almost have to give myself a slap for my behaviour since the New Year. Basically, I have tiptoed around her doing every possible household chore while taking any opportunity I can to beg her to find time for "us".
With hindsight, not only is that behaviour rather unattractive anyway! it's also ridiculous on my part...... when I tell my friends some of the nasty things she said while drunk, tell them about the bloke she kissed and gave her number to ( although that never went any further thank goodness)..... They say " Mate, why you bothered about staying"
lol.... If I was looking at a dating site and it listed a " late 30s, smoker, recently recovered alcoholic, single mother of four in reasonable shape ( considering what she's been through)" I don't think it would be top of my list to reply to!
I am slowly coming around to the idea that I WILL be with someone that wants to be with me...... it just might not be her ( and that is scary after 20 years) the last date I went on was 25th of March 1993.... With her!
Love ......funny old thing!
lol....good question!
When I stop and look at it sensibly I almost have to give myself a slap for my behaviour since the New Year. Basically, I have tiptoed around her doing every possible household chore while taking any opportunity I can to beg her to find time for "us".
With hindsight, not only is that behaviour rather unattractive anyway! it's also ridiculous on my part...... when I tell my friends some of the nasty things she said while drunk, tell them about the bloke she kissed and gave her number to ( although that never went any further thank goodness)..... They say " Mate, why you bothered about staying"
lol.... If I was looking at a dating site and it listed a " late 30s, smoker, recently recovered alcoholic, single mother of four in reasonable shape ( considering what she's been through)" I don't think it would be top of my list to reply to!
I am slowly coming around to the idea that I WILL be with someone that wants to be with me...... it just might not be her ( and that is scary after 20 years) the last date I went on was 25th of March 1993.... With her!
Love ......funny old thing!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
lol.... If I was looking at a dating site and it listed a " late 30s, smoker, recently recovered alcoholic, single mother of four in reasonable shape ( considering what she's been through)" I don't think it would be top of my list to reply to!
Exactly!! That's why I say work on yourself. Once you get stronger you may find that you aren't even interested anymore.
The irony is that probably when you get stronger yourself and starting looking out for your needs is when you will become attractive to her. And, then you probably won't want her. (How's that for armchair psychology ....?)
Exactly!! That's why I say work on yourself. Once you get stronger you may find that you aren't even interested anymore.
The irony is that probably when you get stronger yourself and starting looking out for your needs is when you will become attractive to her. And, then you probably won't want her. (How's that for armchair psychology ....?)
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Sorry this has happened to you.
You cannot possibly take blame for her drinking as her addiction was her own.
My ah can go to the gym everyday work and coach a softball team and participate in a bowling league or even crochet or swim and I would communicate in a healthy positive way that I would like alone time with him ever so often but support his positive character building.
If she argues your activities caused her to drink than must it be that her lack of support communication and compromise caused it herself? Or is it just simply that she is an addict?....
Hmmm.....
It seems that your wife is going through typical addict traits.
Denial blame etc.
Frankly I believe she has a good while before you will see real improvement in her.
Not only is she newly recovered but I see it as being reborn...
Shes learning to cope all over again...feel all over again and shes been sprung from when she started drinking until now...and having to grow up a little bit more.
Give her space and allow her to seek time to heal physically and mentally and I suggest you do the same.
Its a long road. Good luck
You cannot possibly take blame for her drinking as her addiction was her own.
My ah can go to the gym everyday work and coach a softball team and participate in a bowling league or even crochet or swim and I would communicate in a healthy positive way that I would like alone time with him ever so often but support his positive character building.
If she argues your activities caused her to drink than must it be that her lack of support communication and compromise caused it herself? Or is it just simply that she is an addict?....
Hmmm.....
It seems that your wife is going through typical addict traits.
Denial blame etc.
Frankly I believe she has a good while before you will see real improvement in her.
Not only is she newly recovered but I see it as being reborn...
Shes learning to cope all over again...feel all over again and shes been sprung from when she started drinking until now...and having to grow up a little bit more.
Give her space and allow her to seek time to heal physically and mentally and I suggest you do the same.
Its a long road. Good luck
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's hard to say how this will all shake out. I'm a recovered alcoholic (four and a half years) and was in two alcoholic marriages. It's true that in early recovery people's brains are a bit scrambled and their emotions are all over the place. So she is probably being honest when she says she doesn't know how she feels right now.
I also know that sometimes things change in a marriage. My first husband, who had been sober 15 years at the time, and was a great guy, was someone I realized I wasn't "in love" with. We worked at it for a while, but my feelings were what they were, and they were not in any way "against" him, but I felt very guilty because I thought he deserved much more out of the relationship than I was prepared to give. It was painful for us both. We wound up divorcing, but are very close friends to this day--thanks to his recovery. (My drinking developed a bit later in life.) He is married to a lovely woman who worships the ground he walks on. Which is something he deserves. And he treats her well, and they both welcome me to stay in their home when I visit my adult kids (who still live with them).
So I guess my advice is to continue to work on your own recovery, as she hopefully continues to work on hers. If things do not work out between the two of you, it IS POSSIBLE to go your separate ways and to both have a happy life and even to maintain a respectful and even cordial relationship with each other. Recovery makes that possible.
I also know that sometimes things change in a marriage. My first husband, who had been sober 15 years at the time, and was a great guy, was someone I realized I wasn't "in love" with. We worked at it for a while, but my feelings were what they were, and they were not in any way "against" him, but I felt very guilty because I thought he deserved much more out of the relationship than I was prepared to give. It was painful for us both. We wound up divorcing, but are very close friends to this day--thanks to his recovery. (My drinking developed a bit later in life.) He is married to a lovely woman who worships the ground he walks on. Which is something he deserves. And he treats her well, and they both welcome me to stay in their home when I visit my adult kids (who still live with them).
So I guess my advice is to continue to work on your own recovery, as she hopefully continues to work on hers. If things do not work out between the two of you, it IS POSSIBLE to go your separate ways and to both have a happy life and even to maintain a respectful and even cordial relationship with each other. Recovery makes that possible.
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You should do a search on this subject there have been several threads - This early its hard to say what the final outcome will be.
My husband who is an RAH never regained his sex drive once he got sober. I wasn't around then I came into the picture 9 years later. For him he liked that alcohol lowered his inhibitions he has generalized anxiety. We do have a sex life but its infrequent. It does have its ebbs and flows for sure. I never thought I woudl be with someone where sex wasn't the star of the relationship so it was a pretty huge adjustment for me. Now I don't care but I sure did when we were first together.
I don't see it as ever changing in my situation. RAH is just never going to have even a moderate sex drive - some of this I absolutely attribute to his sobriety and some I attribute to age - he is 50 now and is affected by low testosterone which he does receive treatment for. I don't know how else to describe him and how he is sexually other than to say it can be awkward for him - I mean you can visually see it for a few minutes then it goes away and all is fine. To hear about him in his raging alcoholic days i don't think there was a woman in a 50 mile radius that he hadn't screwed.
He had a relapse last year after 10 years - and wouldn't you know that sex drive did return - with a buzz my husband was the most uber confidant man and very sexual.
Ah well, here's the deal. He is the most affectionate man I have ever been with - very loving and very touchy feely. A substitute for the real deal? Yeah actually it is. An hour long massage and foot rub which he loves to do sure does go a long way......
This is just my experience so read through some other threads on the topic.
My husband who is an RAH never regained his sex drive once he got sober. I wasn't around then I came into the picture 9 years later. For him he liked that alcohol lowered his inhibitions he has generalized anxiety. We do have a sex life but its infrequent. It does have its ebbs and flows for sure. I never thought I woudl be with someone where sex wasn't the star of the relationship so it was a pretty huge adjustment for me. Now I don't care but I sure did when we were first together.
I don't see it as ever changing in my situation. RAH is just never going to have even a moderate sex drive - some of this I absolutely attribute to his sobriety and some I attribute to age - he is 50 now and is affected by low testosterone which he does receive treatment for. I don't know how else to describe him and how he is sexually other than to say it can be awkward for him - I mean you can visually see it for a few minutes then it goes away and all is fine. To hear about him in his raging alcoholic days i don't think there was a woman in a 50 mile radius that he hadn't screwed.
He had a relapse last year after 10 years - and wouldn't you know that sex drive did return - with a buzz my husband was the most uber confidant man and very sexual.
Ah well, here's the deal. He is the most affectionate man I have ever been with - very loving and very touchy feely. A substitute for the real deal? Yeah actually it is. An hour long massage and foot rub which he loves to do sure does go a long way......
This is just my experience so read through some other threads on the topic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
thanks for all the feedback. It seems the message is that I need to just get on with my life and see what happens.
It's just very hard. For example, today I have worked from home and we have chatted a lot. She's told me all about her morning " therapy call" from her therapist and how she is still figuring out where she is at. But she's been happy and chatty with me.
She also says things that are very contrary to her not being " into" me. For example, in 10 weeks time we are going on a Mediterranean cruise ( it's a freebie paid for by the company I put a lot of work with). She mentioned how it will be interesting to visit some of the countries the cruise stops in saying " if we like them it may be somewhere to go back with the kids for a summer holiday"
I just politely agree with her...... but inside I'm thinking " how can you possibly talk about us going on summer holidays when last night you are telling me you don't feel any romantic feelings towards me and how that may ultimately mean we need to find somebody else for each of our sakes"
As I said earlier, in a way this would be far easier if she was just being nasty!
Lewis
It's just very hard. For example, today I have worked from home and we have chatted a lot. She's told me all about her morning " therapy call" from her therapist and how she is still figuring out where she is at. But she's been happy and chatty with me.
She also says things that are very contrary to her not being " into" me. For example, in 10 weeks time we are going on a Mediterranean cruise ( it's a freebie paid for by the company I put a lot of work with). She mentioned how it will be interesting to visit some of the countries the cruise stops in saying " if we like them it may be somewhere to go back with the kids for a summer holiday"
I just politely agree with her...... but inside I'm thinking " how can you possibly talk about us going on summer holidays when last night you are telling me you don't feel any romantic feelings towards me and how that may ultimately mean we need to find somebody else for each of our sakes"
As I said earlier, in a way this would be far easier if she was just being nasty!
Lewis
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Lewis73 
thanks for all the feedback. It seems the message is that I need to just get on with my life and see what happens.
It's just very hard. For example, today I have worked from home and we have chatted a lot. She's told me all about her morning " therapy call" from her therapist and how she is still figuring out where she is at. But she's been happy and chatty with me.
She also says things that are very contrary to her not being " into" me. For example, in 10 weeks time we are going on a Mediterranean cruise ( it's a freebie paid for by the company I put a lot of work with). She mentioned how it will be interesting to visit some of the countries the cruise stops in saying " if we like them it may be somewhere to go back with the kids for a summer holiday"
I just politely agree with her...... but inside I'm thinking " how can you possibly talk about us going on summer holidays when last night you are telling me you don't feel any romantic feelings towards me and how that may ultimately mean we need to find somebody else for each of our sakes"
As I said earlier, in a way this would be far easier if she was just being nasty!
Lewis
It's just very hard. For example, today I have worked from home and we have chatted a lot. She's told me all about her morning " therapy call" from her therapist and how she is still figuring out where she is at. But she's been happy and chatty with me.
She also says things that are very contrary to her not being " into" me. For example, in 10 weeks time we are going on a Mediterranean cruise ( it's a freebie paid for by the company I put a lot of work with). She mentioned how it will be interesting to visit some of the countries the cruise stops in saying " if we like them it may be somewhere to go back with the kids for a summer holiday"
I just politely agree with her...... but inside I'm thinking " how can you possibly talk about us going on summer holidays when last night you are telling me you don't feel any romantic feelings towards me and how that may ultimately mean we need to find somebody else for each of our sakes"
As I said earlier, in a way this would be far easier if she was just being nasty!
Lewis
You know she could be saying shes lost interest because shes afraid.
Just a thought . Addicts have a coping issues and this may just be an internal thing to feed into her self esteem issues. If thats what it is but from what ive gathered from my ah and others....fear and anxiety does play a part.
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I did wonder if there may be some deeper issue causing her to act like that.... The problem is she just seems to be so " more together" in all other areas of her life. Sure, she's nowhere near 100%..... But she is a whole lot better. I suppose I expected her to be saying that she liked me " a bit" and it was slowly getting better but had some way to go....... as it is, she saying " I just don't feel like that about you now.... I still love you and care about you, but there is no spark"
That just struck me as so black-and-white as to not be recoverable. Maybe she's a little bit more " messed up" then she realises and the recovery process will tackle it in time???
That just struck me as so black-and-white as to not be recoverable. Maybe she's a little bit more " messed up" then she realises and the recovery process will tackle it in time???
box of chocolates
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Originally Posted by Lewis73
I did wonder if there may be some deeper issue causing her to act like that.... The problem is she just seems to be so " more together" in all other areas of her life. Sure, she's nowhere near 100%..... But she is a whole lot better. I suppose I expected her to be saying that she liked me " a bit" and it was slowly getting better but had some way to go....... as it is, she saying " I just don't feel like that about you now.... I still love you and care about you, but there is no spark"
That just struck me as so black-and-white as to not be recoverable. Maybe she's a little bit more " messed up" then she realises and the recovery process will tackle it in time???
That just struck me as so black-and-white as to not be recoverable. Maybe she's a little bit more " messed up" then she realises and the recovery process will tackle it in time???
Its a process but the fact that she is still with you..says she loves/cares for you and talks about future vacations together is a good sign her heart is with you.
Her body and mind however is just going to need to catch up.
The best thing you can do is take care of you and encourage her to continue in recovery.
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I know it is hard and its very easy to say it - but don't take it personally. I agree with thislonelygirl - she ain't up for physical contact right now. She probably can't even explain why.
This would NOT be easier if she was being nasty. Then it would be miserable.
I do note that you said a couple of years ago the marriage got stale and you both started doing your own thing. It sounds like you guys have some rebuilding to do that is beyond her alcoholism. Now that she has chosen recovery this can be very possible.
Ebbs and flows....as she gets healthier the better it will be. She is rebuilding your friendship from what I can see. She is including you.
The basis for a solid relationship can't be sex. Its love and friendship cause when the physical isn't there - and it ebbs and flows - you gotta have something beyond passion to sustain it.
I see your situation as very positive.
This would NOT be easier if she was being nasty. Then it would be miserable.
I do note that you said a couple of years ago the marriage got stale and you both started doing your own thing. It sounds like you guys have some rebuilding to do that is beyond her alcoholism. Now that she has chosen recovery this can be very possible.
Ebbs and flows....as she gets healthier the better it will be. She is rebuilding your friendship from what I can see. She is including you.
The basis for a solid relationship can't be sex. Its love and friendship cause when the physical isn't there - and it ebbs and flows - you gotta have something beyond passion to sustain it.
I see your situation as very positive.
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you are both right, it is positive. Having read a few of the threads on this forum I see that it could be a whole lot worse and far more miserable.
In a way, that's why it's so frustrating. It just feels so " almost" there.
For example, today we have chatted and got on fine. She has spoken about going to the gym later while I take the boys to their sports club. It's all good and very, well, how it should be...... until this evening when we will both be sat watching a bit of telly before bed. If things were really normal we sit together but we won't.....she will sell at one end of the sofa and I will sit at the other and although we will chat and the fine, we'll both know there is this odd emotional gap between us. We'll then go to bed, she will say good night.... We may even chat a bit ( she suffers from racing brain syndrome! right now and can't get to sleep easily.... We find that a chat in bed helps) - yet despite lying right next to her, even right against her, and chatting......... if I was to say to push her in any way towards something more, she'd react negatively. And I don't mean pushing physically, I mean if I was to just say something like " how do you think we are getting on".... She'd know exactly what I meant and would, at best, respond with " I don't know, I don't think about that"
The more I typed...... the more I realise I am probably expecting too much too soon!
In a way, that's why it's so frustrating. It just feels so " almost" there.
For example, today we have chatted and got on fine. She has spoken about going to the gym later while I take the boys to their sports club. It's all good and very, well, how it should be...... until this evening when we will both be sat watching a bit of telly before bed. If things were really normal we sit together but we won't.....she will sell at one end of the sofa and I will sit at the other and although we will chat and the fine, we'll both know there is this odd emotional gap between us. We'll then go to bed, she will say good night.... We may even chat a bit ( she suffers from racing brain syndrome! right now and can't get to sleep easily.... We find that a chat in bed helps) - yet despite lying right next to her, even right against her, and chatting......... if I was to say to push her in any way towards something more, she'd react negatively. And I don't mean pushing physically, I mean if I was to just say something like " how do you think we are getting on".... She'd know exactly what I meant and would, at best, respond with " I don't know, I don't think about that"
The more I typed...... the more I realise I am probably expecting too much too soon!
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Yes, I'd just give it time. See how things go.
It seems that you both like and respect each other, so try to hold onto that no matter what. If you can manage it, you may wind up with a good, loyal friend for life. That's how I feel about my first husband now. We are executors on each other's wills (his wife gets a bit panicky about stuff sometimes, and I am a lawyer, and they just think I'd do a better job). If that isn't trust, I don't know what is. I have him listed as my emergency contact, for the same reason. There is absolutely nothing romantic between us, but we enjoy each other's company and encourage each other and support each other. He doesn't do this for me at the expense of his wife--and I've always made it clear to him that she comes first (not that he disagrees!). It's odd, but it works for us. And it's great for our kids (now adults). They grew up with parents who didn't bicker, even through the divorce.
It seems that you both like and respect each other, so try to hold onto that no matter what. If you can manage it, you may wind up with a good, loyal friend for life. That's how I feel about my first husband now. We are executors on each other's wills (his wife gets a bit panicky about stuff sometimes, and I am a lawyer, and they just think I'd do a better job). If that isn't trust, I don't know what is. I have him listed as my emergency contact, for the same reason. There is absolutely nothing romantic between us, but we enjoy each other's company and encourage each other and support each other. He doesn't do this for me at the expense of his wife--and I've always made it clear to him that she comes first (not that he disagrees!). It's odd, but it works for us. And it's great for our kids (now adults). They grew up with parents who didn't bicker, even through the divorce.
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You have 20 years together. She's been in recovery for 4 weeks. What's the rush to decide now what you do moving forward? My BF is in his 4th month of recovery. The first 2 were really hard for me. He admits he was in a fog, just trying to figure things out. Our communication was strained, and while we got along, there was no intimacy. As he continues to work on his recovery, and as I work on mine through AlAnon, we're getting closer again. We're more affectionate towards each other, and conversation is easier.
I learned a new twist on an old saying through my recovery. "Don't just do something....Stand there!" Meaning, when we're not sure what to do it's often best to do nothing. It's okay to give this time. Your wife needs time to sort herself out without the pressure of what she "should" be doing in the marriage.
It sounds like she's sober, and you're getting along with each other. Maybe be grateful for that today, and don't expect more for now. You will gain more insight as you both move forward in recovery.
I learned a new twist on an old saying through my recovery. "Don't just do something....Stand there!" Meaning, when we're not sure what to do it's often best to do nothing. It's okay to give this time. Your wife needs time to sort herself out without the pressure of what she "should" be doing in the marriage.
It sounds like she's sober, and you're getting along with each other. Maybe be grateful for that today, and don't expect more for now. You will gain more insight as you both move forward in recovery.
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that does make perfect sense and I am doing my best to give it time! I realise it is very early days.
But.........wow, its hard!
Last night we watched a movie together ( albeit at different ends of the sofa), we got on fine..... I cooked dinner, we even spoke about going to the movies on Monday ( our 20th anniversary) and she seemed okay with that ( as much as somebody living day to day can be)...... today she has been out for a run and is generally looking great.
In the meantime I am trying to look after myself and give her space..... I'm off out tonight with some friends I haven't seen in years. My hope is that this would do two things - obviously give her space but also let her know that I am going to live my life positively. I'm pretty convinced that my " please love me please love me please love me" puppy dog behaviour turned her off!
My plan is to be a better man and get a better woman...... I desperately hope that the better woman will be her but ( for my own sanity) I have to accept that it may not be.
I know it's only been a few weeks, but bloody hell I could do with giving her a hug!
But.........wow, its hard!
Last night we watched a movie together ( albeit at different ends of the sofa), we got on fine..... I cooked dinner, we even spoke about going to the movies on Monday ( our 20th anniversary) and she seemed okay with that ( as much as somebody living day to day can be)...... today she has been out for a run and is generally looking great.
In the meantime I am trying to look after myself and give her space..... I'm off out tonight with some friends I haven't seen in years. My hope is that this would do two things - obviously give her space but also let her know that I am going to live my life positively. I'm pretty convinced that my " please love me please love me please love me" puppy dog behaviour turned her off!
My plan is to be a better man and get a better woman...... I desperately hope that the better woman will be her but ( for my own sanity) I have to accept that it may not be.
I know it's only been a few weeks, but bloody hell I could do with giving her a hug!
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Here's an odd situation.... Soon about to leave for the pub tonight she's chilling on the sofa... I go to give her a kiss goodbye.... She looks defensive so I say "kiss goodbye" and she says "no, I'm fine" I repeat "just a kiss bye" she says "no thanks, I'm fine"
I just don't know if it's Alchol recovery or actual dislike of me!
I just don't know if it's Alchol recovery or actual dislike of me!
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
This would NOT be easier if she was being nasty. Then it would be miserable.
Mrs. Hammer has been back from Re-Hab about 100 days.
She has Flip-Flopped back and forth (I love you -- I hate you) a few times since. Our oldest kid (10 Year Old daughter) just figures Momma is Nutz. So she is in Ala-teen now.
But from what I follow the FOG and confusion is normal. Consider they have taken away their coping drugs (Alcohol in your case, Drugs for some, Eating Disorder for us). In our case, she also seems to have some Borderline-ish traits, so this is just par for the course.
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