I'm new, boyfriend is an alcoholic

Old 03-20-2013, 04:21 PM
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I'm new, boyfriend is an alcoholic

Hi, I hope this is the right forum to post in. I just decided to join, after viewing threads and responses for about 9 months, now. I feel like I'm out of ideas on how to deal with my situation.

It started when I fell in love with this amazing man...I fell hard just over a year ago, although I've known him for a few years. I knew he was an alcoholic, but he was keeping it under control. It wasn't hard to deal with. He wasn't abusive, sans the abuse he was putting HIMSELF through, and some harsh names/words when the drinking got out of hand and we fought. He did punch a hole in the wall once, but never threatened me. He was holding a job, had friends, things seemed okay. We never wanted to be apart, did everything together. I was there for him through rough moments, he did the same for me. It stayed this way up until about a month ago. Of course, he stopped having friends a FEW months ago, but about a month ago, he decided to quit working. He says his job was "too stressful," and he knows he "will find another one soon." I'm getting sick of looking at the applications just sitting on the counter. One is half filled out, but that's IT. That's as far as his motivation took him. He stopped wanting to be around me as much, although I do know he loves me, he now spends a great deal of time drinking alone in another room. I recently got some devastating news, and while I was crying, he sat in the chair across from me, beer in hand. He did not attempt to comfort me, as he used to be so quick to do. He just watched me, as though I was some foreign creature he had never seen before.

Most days, he won't even eat anymore. He goes straight for a beer. This morning was when I really decided I had to post something, I need someone to offer advice. I had just got done cooking, things were fine, although I did get some anger when I glanced at the untouched apps...I DID NOT say a word to him about that, kept my upbeat attitude as I usually do...and ate alone. Well, with the dogs. He didn't want anything. I went about my day, and now, hours later, he's back in that room, drinking. I think it's his way of hiding his guilt, because I do know he feels very guilty about drinking and not working or helping around the house...but, I also know his love for the alcohol will always win against any guilt he may feel.

I have learned not to fight with him, not to nag him. None of that works. Up until today, I have believed I could live like this, because I adore the very ground he walks on. I was nervous when he quit his job, but also made myself feel like we could get through it. Maybe I believed he WOULD try to find another job. Maybe I thought he'd go back to being affectionate. He does say he loves me all the time, when I get to see him. I keep telling myself there's no reason to leave. He doesn't harm me, he doesn't harm my dogs, he barely makes a mess (he hardly eats, so no dishes. barely any laundry now that he isn't working, although he does still shower, it's just not as often. but, he's also good about cleaning up his beer cans!) I have absolutely NO reason to believe he may be cheating, he's affectionate, kind, caring toward me, loving, when he ISN'T hiding (which hiding has become a lot more common, now)...plus, I am desperately in love with him.

I have mentioned to him that I can't support him forever. His response was, "Something will open up." I've mentioned the apps, but he says most of those places are no longer hiring. Well, YEAH, that was A MONTH AGO that he got those apps!!! I do enable him by bringing home alcohol, but it keeps the peace between us. I have mentioned the "hiding," but he brushes it off, kisses me, tells me he loves me and things are fine and always will be fine, and he will never leave me.

I think at this point, although I love him the way I do, I feel like I MAY be ready to leave him to his own devices. I DON'T want to, but my mental AND financial states are suffering. I guess I just need advice. He lives with me and I don't know if he can find somewhere else to go. What do I do? Where do I turn? Is giving up the only option I have, when we live together and love each other dearly, and all I really want is to help him and save us? I am so lost, so confused, so desperate to figure out what decision I should make. I don't know what the best one would be, and I don't know how to clear my head. All I want to do is pull him out of that room, cry and convince him the drinking isn't worth it and we need to get our life back on track. I know it wouldn't work, but Lord knows how often I envision myself doing it.

Thanks, all, for hearing me out. I hope I made sense. I keep having outbursts of crying because I am sitting here alone. The dogs are asleep, and the man I love is locked in a room at the other end of the house...with what I fear to be his true love.
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Old 03-20-2013, 05:40 PM
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He has one true love...alcohol. That is the harsh reality. And as you are witness to by the history you've given, alcoholism is a progressive disease. You have watched his situation get worse this past year. That pattern will continue. He has been abusive enough to punch a hole in a wall....that will get worse as well. Of course he is not looking for work, he doesn't have to as long as you're there to take care of everything. There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop his disease or his behaviors. But you CAN decide you deserve a better life for you.

You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. You have only been in this relationship for a year. Don't wait until you're married, or there's a child involved. Get healthy NOW while you can. Find an AlAonon group near you, read the sticky's at the top of the page, read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Educate yourself.

My real advice? RUN. Set boundaries for yourself, get him out of your place and let him figure HIS life out. He's an adult. Don't let him pull you down the drain with you. I know this sounds harsh, and I apologize for that, but you seriously have to separate yourself from this situation while you still can. (((HUGS)))
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Old 03-20-2013, 06:11 PM
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I can only say that in my situation, when the AH was out of work, he was perfectly content to just stay home and drink. It was fine that I worked and supported everything. It was exactly what he preferred!

You are not alone. We have all been in your shoes in one way or another. Yours locks himself in a room, mine stayed in the garage drinking and smoking all night.

I still love my husband, we are separated for 7 months now. But I have more clarity now and know that I did the right thing by separating from him. I really recommend Alanon...and read the stickies at the top of the forum. Lots of good experience and comments there. This site has been a life saver for me. Keep us posted! Hang in there.
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Old 03-20-2013, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Hermeticdog View Post
I do enable him by bringing home alcohol, but it keeps the peace between us. I have mentioned the "hiding," but he brushes it off, kisses me, tells me he loves me and things are fine and always will be fine, and he will never leave me.

I think at this point, although I love him the way I do, I feel like I MAY be ready to leave him to his own devices. I DON'T want to, but my mental AND financial states are suffering. I guess I just need advice.
Please stop buying his booze.

You don't need to announce that you are not going to buy his booze, just stop. If he asks why you didn't bring home booze, tell the truth: You can't afford to buy booze.

He is a grown man. He needs to have an income to support himself. Allow him to feel the full weight of his decision to quit his job. That was his choice and now he can deal with the results of that decision.

If you are covering any of his other expenses (phone bill, car payment, car insurance), please stop and allow him to understand the choices he made have consequences.

His problems are not yours to solve. He needs a Higher Power, a Sponsor and/or a Medical Professional to help him solve his problems.

Remember: This is your one precious life. You decide how you will live your life.
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Old 03-20-2013, 07:07 PM
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Hi Hermeticdog - welcome and sorry for what brought you to your first post. Your story isn't all that uncommon. Many of us here, myself included, have rationalized that things aren't that bad, could be worse, etc. When it comes down to it, you have to decide what you want in you life and what you want out of your life. If you decide that you don't want to live with an active alcoholic, you don't have to feel responsible for him finding someplace else to live. There are many options out there for him - hotels/motels, shelters, short-term room rentals, etc.

One simple yet brilliant piece of advice I have gotten here is that deciding to do nothing is a decision - if you're not sure whether you want to ask him to leave or leave yourself, and if there's no immediate financial or physical harm that would come to you, then it's okay to not make a decision just now. It's okay to sit with yourself and decide what you want and what is best for you.

I also agree with Pelican - I would stop buying & bringing home alcohol. I stopped doing that for my DH long before he "got bad."

I know the feeling of wanting to help him and to save him and your relationship, but he has to want to help himself and he has to be mentally present in order to actively contribute to a relationship - you can't do all that saving, and it's an unreasonable burden to have to bear.

Sending you strength & hugs.
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Old 03-20-2013, 07:31 PM
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Has he ever said he wants help for his drinking? What does he say about it?

I agree that you should STOP buying him alcohol.

I went through the exact same exhausting routine you are going through, with my second husband. I left him a matter of months after we got married. He lost his job because he couldn't do it (because of the drinking). He made a couple of half-assed attempts to find a job and then started drinking 24/7 while I supported us both--and was looking for a second job because we could not afford our expenses. He renewed the lease on the house we had rented after I had explicitly told him we could not afford it and would have to move. That was the last straw (there was a whole long saga that preceded this, including his near death during alcohol withdrawal when he was unexpectedly hospitalized for something else). As far as I know (this was fifteen years ago), he is still drinking himself to death.

What you are seeing right now is the best this man will ever be--unless he quits drinking and works a recovery program. If he has shown no interest in quitting drinking, my suggestion is that you start making plans either to live with a steadily worsening relationship or making plans to leave. I suggest you get to some Al-Anon meetings to get your head clear.

Love doesn't fix this problem. You can both love each other, but he loves the alcohol more. He has to want to quit for himself.
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Old 03-21-2013, 04:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Hermeticdog View Post
Maybe I thought he'd go back to being affectionate. He does say he loves me all the time, when I get to see him. I keep telling myself there's no reason to leave. He doesn't harm me, he doesn't harm my dogs, he barely makes a mess (he hardly eats, so no dishes. barely any laundry now that he isn't working, although he does still shower, it's just not as often. but, he's also good about cleaning up his beer cans!) I have absolutely NO reason to believe he may be cheating, he's affectionate, kind, caring toward me, loving, when he ISN'T hiding (which hiding has become a lot more common, now)...plus, I am desperately in love with him..
This part in your post really struck me.

You are listing the reasons the relationship is not that bad....but reading this list struck me. He does not physically hurt you or the dogs, there is not a lot of physical mess for you to clean up etc.

What about financial? What about emotional? I suspect you are worth more than a relationship that does not provide you a lot of mess to clean up after.

What kind of support do you have for you?
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Old 03-22-2013, 12:23 PM
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Hi Hermetic,
Thank you for sharing and being SO honest. I really, really feel your pain. I felt as though you were sharing the story I lived a few months ago!
I have a boyfriend who is much older than myself. I knew he was an alcoholic about two weeks into our relationship when I learned about his two previous times in rehab and previous DUI's. It was a HORRIBLE relationship from the start, I can say that now looking back but at the time it felt great! He was dotting, made me feel great, fun etc etc. Within three months I was paying all the expenses, he was not working, I was driving him and his kids everywhere as he didnt have a license, I was basically raising the kids on his weekends b/c he just wasn't there mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically he just could not care for them. Stupidly, I moved in with him and took on a lease (still paying for everything). After about three months of living together I stepped back and looked at my life: I had gone from a self supporting, straight A student with a bright future to a college drop out, stripper, anxious and depressed individual totally dependent on a man who was doing NOTHING to benefit me. Even in that dark realization I somehow was able to see the 'light at the end of the tunnel'. I thought about what I had been before...I was GREAT before I let all this happen and I decided I needed to get back to that place, even better, no matter what. So, I left him. It was HARD...really, really hard. BUT it has been about five months since I made that decision and I have never once regretted it. I thank myself every day. AND HE thanks me for what I did pretty consistently too. He drank himself into the hospital a few weeks after I left, he called me horrible things, did horrible things to me and my family and eventually...he decided to get sober. He is sober now, going on four months. I am not responsible for him, he is.
I am getting emotional just thinking about all this...best decision I EVER made.
I wish you luck! I know that if I made it out and improved my situation you can too!
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