Choosing not to be bothered...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 76
Choosing not to be bothered...
Two nights of being sober...the third too much to ask for, I admit.
AH came home from work early to get some stuff done (work from home). He left the house right before I came home from school. He called me and told me he was going to the dry cleaners. Ok...that's nice, and I appreciate it. My experience tells me when he is out driving he goes to buy drinks and consumes on his way home. On the phone he told me he was about 15 minutes away (the dry cleaner is only a few blocks away) and that he was fiending badly for a drink, but was resisting. He also told me how he knows his blood pressure is rising a little from not drinking and how he keeps getting the sweats. All side effects from withdrawal, as both of us are aware.
I got home, he was here and low and behold, he is clearly drunk. I am hoping that I am doing the right thing. He is choosing to drink and lie to me by telling me he is in withdrawal...he's even poured himself some tea and made it a point to tell me how much better drinking that is than drinking alcohol...and I am choosing not to tell him I know the truth, not to be bothered or upset by it, and by not saying a word. I am going to take care of myself, feed my kids, and probably get out of the house for a bit.
I'm hoping to detach and try to not let this run my life.
AH came home from work early to get some stuff done (work from home). He left the house right before I came home from school. He called me and told me he was going to the dry cleaners. Ok...that's nice, and I appreciate it. My experience tells me when he is out driving he goes to buy drinks and consumes on his way home. On the phone he told me he was about 15 minutes away (the dry cleaner is only a few blocks away) and that he was fiending badly for a drink, but was resisting. He also told me how he knows his blood pressure is rising a little from not drinking and how he keeps getting the sweats. All side effects from withdrawal, as both of us are aware.
I got home, he was here and low and behold, he is clearly drunk. I am hoping that I am doing the right thing. He is choosing to drink and lie to me by telling me he is in withdrawal...he's even poured himself some tea and made it a point to tell me how much better drinking that is than drinking alcohol...and I am choosing not to tell him I know the truth, not to be bothered or upset by it, and by not saying a word. I am going to take care of myself, feed my kids, and probably get out of the house for a bit.
I'm hoping to detach and try to not let this run my life.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
So sorry to hear this, but I have to say, a big BRAVO to you for handling things so well. I'm not sure I would have been so together in the same situation. It does amaze me sometimes how A's can spin such elaborate stories and profess their sobriety so vehemently when it's clear they're not sober.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 76
It's been hard...I admit. It's harder trying to convince the kids not to show anger and just go with the flow. When we got home, he was sleeping already. My oldest went upstairs to play his PS3, and I headed downstairs to exercise. I figure if I am not going to waste my time worrying about him, I might as well get on the treadmill and burn off some steam 
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 76
And so the beast is awake!
As I mentioned earlier, I refused to let him dictate my night. I took the kids out to eat, exercised, colored my hair, played some Farmville (my secret addiction, lol) and then headed for the shower. Well, he didn't seem to like that he heard the shower running, so he got up and stormed into the kitchen.
When he saw that there was no dinner waiting for him, he got ticked. The kids said he could hear them saying he couldn't believe I didn't cook and feed my kids tonight. Then, he got his coat on and came into the bathroom to ask me where his dinner was. I just told him I figured since he was sleeping he must have already eaten. To that, he said he was leaving to find himself some food. He slammed the door, left the house and drove off.
Of course, I worry...he has been drinking and now he is driving. This is the worst part. I refuse, however, to start calling his phone. I have to make it seem like this does not bother me (even if it does). The old me would have already called him by now. Knowing him as well as I do, whatever he got drunk off of is in his truck (tempted as I was when he was passed out, I did not go look in his truck to confirm, deny, or get rid of it). I am sure he is drinking more which means more of a good mood AH when he returns. Either way, I am not going to allow myself to let him see it bugs me. I am showered, hanging out in the living room on my laptop under my comfy blanket and going to enjoy the rest of my night.
When he saw that there was no dinner waiting for him, he got ticked. The kids said he could hear them saying he couldn't believe I didn't cook and feed my kids tonight. Then, he got his coat on and came into the bathroom to ask me where his dinner was. I just told him I figured since he was sleeping he must have already eaten. To that, he said he was leaving to find himself some food. He slammed the door, left the house and drove off.
Of course, I worry...he has been drinking and now he is driving. This is the worst part. I refuse, however, to start calling his phone. I have to make it seem like this does not bother me (even if it does). The old me would have already called him by now. Knowing him as well as I do, whatever he got drunk off of is in his truck (tempted as I was when he was passed out, I did not go look in his truck to confirm, deny, or get rid of it). I am sure he is drinking more which means more of a good mood AH when he returns. Either way, I am not going to allow myself to let him see it bugs me. I am showered, hanging out in the living room on my laptop under my comfy blanket and going to enjoy the rest of my night.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Is someone helping you with this problem of alcoholism in your family? A counselor? A longtime Al-Anon member? Meetings? Or are you trying to handle this situation on your own? I read a bit of your previous threads and am not sure where you are getting your support and the information about detachment.
Do you have a long-term plan of any kind? For example, how long you are willing to exercise detachment while living with an alcoholic who keeps the family terrorized and under control? One of the definitions of trauma for children is the absence of consistency in the home. There is, instead, dread. Is someone helping you with parenting your children under the cloud of alcoholism or are you trying to do it on your own with the help of your readings?
Do you have a long-term plan of any kind? For example, how long you are willing to exercise detachment while living with an alcoholic who keeps the family terrorized and under control? One of the definitions of trauma for children is the absence of consistency in the home. There is, instead, dread. Is someone helping you with parenting your children under the cloud of alcoholism or are you trying to do it on your own with the help of your readings?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 76
I have just started really reaching out for help. Until now, I have dealt with it on my own, stayed quiet about everything going on, and just tried to manage. I've attempted to go to one alanon meeting, done a ton of reading both online and through apps found on my iphone, and have started to really try to get support from this site.
My plan? Getting to alanon as much as I can in the upcoming weeks.
Right now? He is home and trying to get me to argue as much as he can. He clearly drank more while gone. I am not engaging at all with it. I refuse to argue tonight.
My plan? Getting to alanon as much as I can in the upcoming weeks.
Right now? He is home and trying to get me to argue as much as he can. He clearly drank more while gone. I am not engaging at all with it. I refuse to argue tonight.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
If your budget will allow sessions with a family therapist, it would be helpful for you and you would have some professional guidance for helping your children, who are absorbing this tension in the house right through the skin. It will impact them in serious ways. They are living in a house riddled with emotional land mines.
Many therapists work on a sliding scale. You need one of them.
I hope you'll stick with Al-Anon because it is very rare that someone in your situation is okay without some serious one on one support. SR is helpful but it does not go deep enough. Living with an active alcoholic who is playing mind games with you is very very disabling to one's psyche. We simply cannot think straight. We are often in an unending state of fight or flight, and this can bring on panic attacks and clinical depression.
A good place to start would be your family doctor. Tell the truth. Ask for a referral to a good counselor. Your medical insurance will likely cover it, if it is a referral.
Eventually your children are going to need help, too. But for now, get yourself healthy.
My heart goes out to you. I once lived with an AH and children in our house and I would never ever, today, stay a day in a situation like that, being who I am now. But back then, I was uninformed, very young, isolated, and totally at his mercy as his mood swings, drunkenness at the most shocking times, and his simmering rage kept me in a state of quiet terror.
We were married two years. It took me one year to realize I had married an alcoholic. It was another year of waiting for him to clean up. He went to a hypnotist--would not go to AA because it used the word "God"--for what I believed was an attempt to stop drinking. He told me that was why he was going. So I waited to see if it brought results.
He never went there to stop drinking. He told the hypnotist he was there to stop smoking. I learned about this is through one of those strange life synchronicities.
He was 42 years old and he had absolutely no interest in giving up alcohol. When it became clear that I was in danger and my little boy was in danger (his daughter, 12, was also living with us), and he came after me one night in a rage, I moved my child and me out of the house in less than 2 weeks.
He found a new young wife. Had a new baby. Continued drinking and destroying everyone in his path.
Don't stay too long.
Many therapists work on a sliding scale. You need one of them.
I hope you'll stick with Al-Anon because it is very rare that someone in your situation is okay without some serious one on one support. SR is helpful but it does not go deep enough. Living with an active alcoholic who is playing mind games with you is very very disabling to one's psyche. We simply cannot think straight. We are often in an unending state of fight or flight, and this can bring on panic attacks and clinical depression.
A good place to start would be your family doctor. Tell the truth. Ask for a referral to a good counselor. Your medical insurance will likely cover it, if it is a referral.
Eventually your children are going to need help, too. But for now, get yourself healthy.
My heart goes out to you. I once lived with an AH and children in our house and I would never ever, today, stay a day in a situation like that, being who I am now. But back then, I was uninformed, very young, isolated, and totally at his mercy as his mood swings, drunkenness at the most shocking times, and his simmering rage kept me in a state of quiet terror.
We were married two years. It took me one year to realize I had married an alcoholic. It was another year of waiting for him to clean up. He went to a hypnotist--would not go to AA because it used the word "God"--for what I believed was an attempt to stop drinking. He told me that was why he was going. So I waited to see if it brought results.
He never went there to stop drinking. He told the hypnotist he was there to stop smoking. I learned about this is through one of those strange life synchronicities.
He was 42 years old and he had absolutely no interest in giving up alcohol. When it became clear that I was in danger and my little boy was in danger (his daughter, 12, was also living with us), and he came after me one night in a rage, I moved my child and me out of the house in less than 2 weeks.
He found a new young wife. Had a new baby. Continued drinking and destroying everyone in his path.
Don't stay too long.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 76
Like you, EnglishGarden, I have been married two years also. My hopes, prayers, dreams all want him to get better. BUT..I am his second marriage. I am now great friends with his ex, and I now see that I am going through almost identically what she did. The only differences, according to her, is that I am nicer than she was, and she stayed for 11 years. This is year six for us together as a couple. It is just getting old...old, tiring, depressing..you name it.
I want happiness. I want to be loved like I should, appreciated like I should, and treated like I should. i want the same for my wonderful boys and three stepkids. I am somewhat grateful my stepchildren were able to move away as it helps to shelter them from this. However, it never goes away completely.
It is time for me to seek help. I recognize this. I do believe I will call tomorrow to seek some counseling. Lucky for me, we have very good insurance.
Thank you for your support.
I want happiness. I want to be loved like I should, appreciated like I should, and treated like I should. i want the same for my wonderful boys and three stepkids. I am somewhat grateful my stepchildren were able to move away as it helps to shelter them from this. However, it never goes away completely.
It is time for me to seek help. I recognize this. I do believe I will call tomorrow to seek some counseling. Lucky for me, we have very good insurance.
Thank you for your support.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres 
detachment with love
especially when the kids are around shows respect, dignity and grace for everyone in the home ~ great plan!
pink hugs & prayers for a peaceful nite
especially when the kids are around shows respect, dignity and grace for everyone in the home ~ great plan!
pink hugs & prayers for a peaceful nite
Let the Pinkness roll over you and warm you from the inside out.
Beth
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