Weasel1966

It creeped in my home one night back in 2001. It slithered and slinked it's way. learning all it could of my habits and patterns. It was quiet. It made no obvious moves. It simply lurked.... With deathly intent.

It can be argued I left the front door wide open. It stayed that way until it happened evil strolled in. Casually and unassuming. Whistling as he checked out his new diggs.

That was when rock cocaine, crack, rocks.... Little white morsels of perceived pleasure made itself known.

I had no idea that something so small could extract from me what was such a big part of my being. Like my essence was to somehow stand next to me rather than in me. ... Only visible in the wafts of smoke as they melted above my head. Or in me chasing the smoke to recapture it... Blurry eyed trying to not let one puff get away. The excitement of the first hit never regained.

My attempts at bringing anyone I could find at the pub into my circle. Desperate to not be alone yet incapable to leave the house once I started. I rarely started alone. Always left a "backdoor" way of getting at more. Always plotting a way to have enough money to start and keep it going. Chasing the night with sheets on the windows to hide the inevitable.

I slipped into places I had never been. Where the scenery was dimly lite. Were the characters of my movie were shadowy at best. Where trades in the corner meant not only trades of cash but morality. Of both myself and those fortunate enough to receive my blessing and join me. Everything traded in tandem.

It's not enough to say I was an addict. Digging deeper to find the strength to continue using pressed heavily against its rival. The preverbal bad against good. Hate versus love. Seeing myself in context was exhausting. I had in me a friend and foe. That friend was down on the ground with me. Whispering in my ear. This is not you. This is not life. This is not the end.

I lacked the strength to rebut. In effect I lacked the will to give up. With the ref counting, this friend coaxed me up from the floor. My time wrestling the pipe. Nervously preparing to receive unscrupulous guests. That was done. Unsustainable in every possible way one could mean that. Any way I could find to make that happen.

I have several of his buddies close behind I would learn. That was not the end of this revolution. But just a battle won in my favor. Drinking was entering the ring. I was not ready.

No more smoke for me. None. Ever again. It would be like a zip line to hell. Were the creepy crawlers tease your skin until you cannot take any more. No sir. Not for me.

Can't be sure I am special in any way. Lucky I can accept. The pace to get to where I want to be has been set. Neither the tourist or the hare can beat me.

I am grateful for the past to be the past. Grateful for today to be today. Looking forward to tomorrow with hope. Love. And that friend inside me willing to risk it all in my name to save me.

Mizzuno

Bravo! What a wonderful post. I enjoyed every single word.

Weasel1966

Thank you. I should say this is copywriter. It is part of my memoir I am putting together.

Just a preview I guess. Lol

Weasel1966

Thank you. I should say this is copywrited. It is part of my memoir I am putting together.

Just a preview I guess. Lol

escapist

I have never had crack. Your description of your relationship with it convinces me that I never want to. Thank you for sharing. Really man.

Nonsensical

You make being a crack addict seem very appealing - NOT! There's one bad habit I am glad I never had. Glad to get to know you after and not before.

soberjim

When you do put together your memoir; can I have a signed copy? (and a share of the royalities!)

Jim

wpainterw

Weasel: Beautifully written and so moving. But what of your false "friend" who slithered in out of the night. Is he still there somewhere? You say, "No more smoke for me. None. Ever again." Is it as easy as that? "Just say 'no'!" Beware lest you hear a chuckle in the background. Many have found it a hard road back. Watch your back, as they say. The goal is to lock up the beast and throw away the key. Easier said than done but possible, with help from others.
One thing is clear. You've seen the beast for what it is. Your bitter enemy now. You can regain the self it took from you but just be aware that your enemy is powerful in oh so many subtle ways. Good luck and all the best to you!

W.

Like2Hike

Beautifully written.

Weasel1966

WPW.... I did not detail out the clawing back. It was not easy. But everything became unsustainable. That was when I started. It is by no means easy. One of the worst to give up in my mind. I wish I never tasted that taste. But I did. I smell it at times. Can even still taste it at times. Smells and tasts like car exhaust.

No minimizing anything here. But not will to bore with an endless story. It does end. And happily.

Huglets

Wow Ken. You're such a gifted writer. Please also consider motivational speaking. Many a teenager would really benefit.

Yup

I was never really one for hard. Powder, on the other hand, was an incredible rush. I totally know what it means to smell it at times. I haven't done it in a long time so it doesn't happen very often, but it does from time to time.

mecanix

I look forward to reading all about me in the book about you LoL

Bestwishes , M

Weasel1966

Mecanix.... That's funny. I am sure the path I am on is similar to many. I see mine in so many people here. I just want to put words to it. Makes me feel better.

fini

I just want to put words to it.

and what a job you do with that! i stopped breathing while reading.....thank you.

27cougar

Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.

quitforme79

Thanks for sharing weasel. I love reading about your recovery journey, very inspirational

Weasel1966

I was at work... I had a great day! But I had a bunch sitting in my throat. I amsooooo grateful to go past this. I speak to people here that are where I was. I so sad want to make that change.

Heading to sleep. Lay and watch TV. Night!

wpainterw

Weasel: You wrote "I did not detail out the clawing back. It was not easy. But everything became unsustainable. That was when I started. It is by no means easy. One of the worst to give up in my mind. I wish I never tasted that taste. But I did. I smell it at times. Can even still taste it at times."
By the "clawing back" do you mean the decision to stop and the detox? I'm sure it was not easy. And then you say you "started" then and that it "is" by no means easy. Sounds like you've got some insight there. Congratulations! My experience was that just getting it "started" was the hard part- not just the detox but getting completely honest with myself and others. I can't tell you how many times I thought I'd gotten it "started" and ended up finding that I was just fooling myself again. But once (and if!) you get through that first hurdle, get a real "start" (the AA folks call it the "first step" but AA or not, that's the real hard part), once you get that behind you then the rest of the recovery begins and as you say that "isn't easy". It takes patience and sheer guts and the humility to work out ways to cope with all the stuff which might have made me susceptible to addictive stuff.
You refer to the "smell". Yes, that's familiar to me too. Someone poured a full glass of whiskey neat thinking it was wine at my mother's funeral reception. I got a whiff of that and it was like an old racehorse smelling the track. And I was nine years sober at the time. Fortunately I didn't sip it by mistake.
So what you're saying rings a bell with me. Sounds like you're the genuine article. Hope it's very real for you now and if it is then it's probably the finest thing you've ever done in your life. Good luck!

W.

Weasel1966

Thanks WPW. It is very real for me. Being off that stuff. Crack is very much a mental addition, like most, so even after its not in the body the strong compulsion takes work to overcome.

It's possible.