Thou shalt not covet, especially what thou does not want; or the scorpion & the frog
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Thou shalt not covet, especially what thou does not want; or the scorpion & the frog
I got my narcissistic alcoholic husband's proposed divorce settlement and it is punitive and destructive. He told me that he has a new girlfriend and will move in with her shortly. I saw him at the Court Hearing Monday. We were both required to attend.
How did I react? Badly.
Now that I am emerging from the throes of a very emotional angry reaction, I realize that most of all I feel abandonment. After 20 years of marriage this coming April, he intends to take all the assets. That's only the surface story. I know that won't happen, but what matters to me is how I reacted.
I felt erased. I felt that he was wiping out our 20 years and taking the slate back to blank. I felt terribly abandoned. Bereft. Angry that all this time wouldn't have meant more to him. Disturbed that he had no regard for my welfare and would, if allowed, take every asset and leave me nothing. Grieving that after all the love I gave him, he had no regard for how I will manage to live in the future.
Dismayed and somehow, cheated, that he will move on to the next woman without any comprehension or self knowledge or insight of the damage he did to me. And he won't care. He'll be in the throes of a new love affair with those giddy highs while I am left unlatching the last of the shackles from this marriage that has been a straight-jacket for me.
And this morning I woke up and remembered the fable.
The question for me is "why would I covet something that I do not even want?"
ShootingStar1
How did I react? Badly.
Now that I am emerging from the throes of a very emotional angry reaction, I realize that most of all I feel abandonment. After 20 years of marriage this coming April, he intends to take all the assets. That's only the surface story. I know that won't happen, but what matters to me is how I reacted.
I felt erased. I felt that he was wiping out our 20 years and taking the slate back to blank. I felt terribly abandoned. Bereft. Angry that all this time wouldn't have meant more to him. Disturbed that he had no regard for my welfare and would, if allowed, take every asset and leave me nothing. Grieving that after all the love I gave him, he had no regard for how I will manage to live in the future.
Dismayed and somehow, cheated, that he will move on to the next woman without any comprehension or self knowledge or insight of the damage he did to me. And he won't care. He'll be in the throes of a new love affair with those giddy highs while I am left unlatching the last of the shackles from this marriage that has been a straight-jacket for me.
And this morning I woke up and remembered the fable.
The scorpion is sitting on the side of the river, and asks the frog to take him across on his back.
The goodnatured frog says "Yes, I will help you, but only if you promise not to sting me. If you sting me, we both will die."
Half way across the river, the scorpion stings the frog.
"Why did you sting me?" asked the frog. "Now we both will die."
The scorpion replied, before they submerged, "It is my nature."
The goodnatured frog says "Yes, I will help you, but only if you promise not to sting me. If you sting me, we both will die."
Half way across the river, the scorpion stings the frog.
"Why did you sting me?" asked the frog. "Now we both will die."
The scorpion replied, before they submerged, "It is my nature."
The question for me is "why would I covet something that I do not even want?"
ShootingStar1
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Location: Waterford MI
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I am left unlatching the last of the shackles from this marriage that has been a straight-jacket for me.
I reacted much the same way you did, I wanted justice. I wanted vengeance.
What I received was not what I was looking for, but it was the best gift ever.
I was free.
I hope you feel much better soon, and remember that now you are free.
You know, I think I needed that raging fury to finally get it.....he was not interested in changing, and I was done.
Beth
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
He is in active addiction.
He is an alcoholic, he will continue to try to devastate you til the bitter end.
Maybe you thought he would eventually see how worthy you are and be kind.
I know I did.
The new woman is a pawn in his sick and self indulgent life.
It's hard to get the intellect and emotions to in sync.
This is what I still struggle with. Knowing the truth and wanting validation.
From a sick and manipulative alcoholic.
For me that is the core of co dependency. We will have peace.
Sending hugs. Katie
He is an alcoholic, he will continue to try to devastate you til the bitter end.
Maybe you thought he would eventually see how worthy you are and be kind.
I know I did.
The new woman is a pawn in his sick and self indulgent life.
It's hard to get the intellect and emotions to in sync.
This is what I still struggle with. Knowing the truth and wanting validation.
From a sick and manipulative alcoholic.
For me that is the core of co dependency. We will have peace.
Sending hugs. Katie
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Thanks, Beth, that helps.
I think part of it may be that I invested so much of myself, my energy, my time, my love, into our relationship and especially caring for him when he was sick.
You can be clinical about a business investment that doesn't return the anticipated ROI (Return On Investment), but when it involves giving one's heart, the emotional reverberations are huge, and they're just reverberating for me right now.
Not that I didn't know this, not that I didn't expect this, just that now its come, plain upfront and in-my-face, and I have to face it again.
This damn unwinding process is like a spiral; just when I think I've got it, the issue appears again on a different level and I have to deal with it again from that angle.
ShootingStar1
I think part of it may be that I invested so much of myself, my energy, my time, my love, into our relationship and especially caring for him when he was sick.
You can be clinical about a business investment that doesn't return the anticipated ROI (Return On Investment), but when it involves giving one's heart, the emotional reverberations are huge, and they're just reverberating for me right now.
Not that I didn't know this, not that I didn't expect this, just that now its come, plain upfront and in-my-face, and I have to face it again.
This damn unwinding process is like a spiral; just when I think I've got it, the issue appears again on a different level and I have to deal with it again from that angle.
ShootingStar1
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Thanks, KatieKate.
You are right, that craving for his attention and validation despite who he is speaks of a deeper loss of abandonment. It is most likely reverberations of past losses, of being abandoned emotionally by my parents.
Time to bring it all to the surface and free myself of it.
I am going back in my studio this afternoon to draw and start to make beautiful things.
ShootingStar1
You are right, that craving for his attention and validation despite who he is speaks of a deeper loss of abandonment. It is most likely reverberations of past losses, of being abandoned emotionally by my parents.
Time to bring it all to the surface and free myself of it.
I am going back in my studio this afternoon to draw and start to make beautiful things.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Yes, it was and maybe still is a big shock, the abandonment.
But, I have to admit, since I never really trusted him.....I was never "all in".
My issues from my FOO. Sigh......
I will be thinking of you ShootingStar. Today is a new day.
Beth
But, I have to admit, since I never really trusted him.....I was never "all in".
My issues from my FOO. Sigh......
I will be thinking of you ShootingStar. Today is a new day.
Beth
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
Dismayed and somehow, cheated, that he will move on to the next woman without any comprehension or self knowledge or insight of the damage he did to me. And he won't care. He'll be in the throes of a new love affair with those giddy highs while I am left unlatching the last of the shackles from this marriage that has been a straight-jacket for me.
So with all that revenge on his mind, how can he be giddy about anything?
With all due respect, ShootingStar, I hear a lot of projection here. I think you are falling for the "this is how I think/feel/act, so must he". And I think its already been determined over and over again his thinking is very skewed, he doesn't act - he reacts, and as an active addict, he doesn't feel much of anything except self righteous anger.
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
Thanks, KatieKate.
You are right, that craving for his attention and validation despite who he is speaks of a deeper loss of abandonment. It is most likely reverberations of past losses, of being abandoned emotionally by my parents.
Time to bring it all to the surface and free myself of it.
I am going back in my studio this afternoon to draw and start to make beautiful things.
ShootingStar1
You are right, that craving for his attention and validation despite who he is speaks of a deeper loss of abandonment. It is most likely reverberations of past losses, of being abandoned emotionally by my parents.
Time to bring it all to the surface and free myself of it.
I am going back in my studio this afternoon to draw and start to make beautiful things.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I am sorry that things are so hard with him, Shooting Star.
I think it would be helpful to draw up a list of all the ways he could still possibly hurt you. Then, at the next turn of events, you can check off the next predictable rotten thing he does, and then the next, and so on.
At least, that's what I am planning to do because my narcissistic AH just keeps finding ways to set me off balance and I am sick of reacting to it all. I just want to move forward doing my thing and have some peace! But STBX is messing with my head when it comes to finances, and insurance, and getting close to the apt and still asking through the kids to come in, and manipulating the children. But maybe there are only certain things they can do to bother us and we just need to keep a step or two ahead.
What else can your A do to rattle you? How can you prepare yourself for the next bit of madness?
I suppose this isn't the most Al-Anonish response, but I am worn out from my STBX's current visit and antics, too, and it's what comes to mind at this late hour here.
Courage! Keep moving forward! And give yourself a big 'bravo!' For getting this far!
I think it would be helpful to draw up a list of all the ways he could still possibly hurt you. Then, at the next turn of events, you can check off the next predictable rotten thing he does, and then the next, and so on.
At least, that's what I am planning to do because my narcissistic AH just keeps finding ways to set me off balance and I am sick of reacting to it all. I just want to move forward doing my thing and have some peace! But STBX is messing with my head when it comes to finances, and insurance, and getting close to the apt and still asking through the kids to come in, and manipulating the children. But maybe there are only certain things they can do to bother us and we just need to keep a step or two ahead.
What else can your A do to rattle you? How can you prepare yourself for the next bit of madness?
I suppose this isn't the most Al-Anonish response, but I am worn out from my STBX's current visit and antics, too, and it's what comes to mind at this late hour here.
Courage! Keep moving forward! And give yourself a big 'bravo!' For getting this far!
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Pippi, that's a very interesting idea. I can try it. I'll have to be pretty creative, he certainly is.
And from his side of the street, I abandoned him, humiliated him, and made his life difficult by not doing what he wanted. So why wouldn't he want to get even?
Sorry it is so difficult for you, too. Isn't there an expiration date for this nonsense?
Keep the faith,
ShootingStar1
And from his side of the street, I abandoned him, humiliated him, and made his life difficult by not doing what he wanted. So why wouldn't he want to get even?
Sorry it is so difficult for you, too. Isn't there an expiration date for this nonsense?
Keep the faith,
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
It's also about control. Lets not forget how he's tried to control this whole process. If he takes everything (what a joke if I remember your state correctly), you will be at his mercy, which is what he craves.
Narcissists think they are the smartest people in the room. They hate nothing more than to be rejected, humiliated, degraded, etc. And that's what you've done to him. You've committed the ultimate sin and you must be punished.
Now, that's not saying it doesn't hurt. It hurts you. But your best play is not to react to him, then go scream in a field or your car. Scream here. But remember, a rational person like you can't understand a mind like his.
Narcissists think they are the smartest people in the room. They hate nothing more than to be rejected, humiliated, degraded, etc. And that's what you've done to him. You've committed the ultimate sin and you must be punished.
Now, that's not saying it doesn't hurt. It hurts you. But your best play is not to react to him, then go scream in a field or your car. Scream here. But remember, a rational person like you can't understand a mind like his.
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Dear ShootingStar, remind yourself (yet, again) how LITTLE time you have been on your recovery path. You have made astonishing strides during this time, though!!
You can't expect yourself to be "completely cured" in the snap of a finger--rem ember how many (20?) years you spent with this man progressively crushing your identity and self-confidence.
When you experience these brief "set-backs", do not allow your brain to obsess with thoughts of him. Restrict yourself from thinking about him or trying to "understand" him. Jump up as fast as you can and go forward.
As time passes, the emotional memories will fade more and more and your present life will become your daily reality. History will truly become history.
sincerely, dandylion
You can't expect yourself to be "completely cured" in the snap of a finger--rem ember how many (20?) years you spent with this man progressively crushing your identity and self-confidence.
When you experience these brief "set-backs", do not allow your brain to obsess with thoughts of him. Restrict yourself from thinking about him or trying to "understand" him. Jump up as fast as you can and go forward.
As time passes, the emotional memories will fade more and more and your present life will become your daily reality. History will truly become history.
sincerely, dandylion
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Location: Seeking Peace
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((((((((ShootingStar))))))))))))
I get what you're saying. I really do. Sometimes I swear I feel like I've got my own little version of 'groundhog' day going on (you know...the movie where Bill Murray is forced to keep living the same day over and over and over again until he gets it 'right'). Somedays I feel like Bill Murray....working my way through the same issues over and over and over again. Some days I wonder will I ever be done working my way through all this crap? When do I get to wake up and move on to something new?
At the end of the day, I think its really about taking our power back. We can either continue to view our lives through the warped prism of their eyes and evaluate our choices in relation to their actions and choices or we can step out from underneath it all and live life on OUR terms...free from the insanity. Maybe we just need to make a conscious choice each and every day that we are going to step out of the shadow they cast on our life and into a life of our own making?
I'm taking your hand...let's step out of the darkness and into the light today. Whadayasay?
Hugs...I'm on this journey with you...
I get what you're saying. I really do. Sometimes I swear I feel like I've got my own little version of 'groundhog' day going on (you know...the movie where Bill Murray is forced to keep living the same day over and over and over again until he gets it 'right'). Somedays I feel like Bill Murray....working my way through the same issues over and over and over again. Some days I wonder will I ever be done working my way through all this crap? When do I get to wake up and move on to something new?
At the end of the day, I think its really about taking our power back. We can either continue to view our lives through the warped prism of their eyes and evaluate our choices in relation to their actions and choices or we can step out from underneath it all and live life on OUR terms...free from the insanity. Maybe we just need to make a conscious choice each and every day that we are going to step out of the shadow they cast on our life and into a life of our own making?
I'm taking your hand...let's step out of the darkness and into the light today. Whadayasay?
Hugs...I'm on this journey with you...
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