Indigo71

Hello

Today is my first day of giving up alcohol - again. I've joined as I feel I need some support not to start again.

I managed to stop for a few months towards the end of last year; I felt good not being dependent and being hangover. Then I started drinking a few beers socially again running up to Christmas, and then soon got back to the habit of having a bottle of wine several nights a week on my own - and that's with me trying to control the drinking.

It was over 20 years ago someone suggested I had a drink problem, not something I really wanted to listen to at the time, and it's been 15 years that I've been trying to control my drinking to some degree. My father was an alcoholic, so I'm under no illusion that I don't have a problem.

Basically I would like to be able to have a few beers with friends a few times a week and that is it, but the reality is that I drink bottles of wine on my own. My efforts to control it and the need to function for work is the only thing that stops me drinking a bottle every night. I know that if I have a glass, I'll have the bottle, so I try to avoid having any in the house, and only buy a bottle at a time to limit how much I can have.

Yesterday I wasn't in work and had a bottle of wine in the house and it was a real struggle to wait until late afternoon before having a glass, followed by the bottle and the associated sedated feeling. I'd had some wine socially the previous few days and I was surprised myself at how strong the craving was yesterday. Hence the realisation I need to stop drinking again and not fall back into the same old habits again.

I remember the first few weeks can be tough with cravings, so thought this might help when it get difficult.

kellyg

Good luck Indigo! It's my day 3 after 5 weeks sobriety myself. You had three months so you CAN do this.

I know how you feel. I wanted to be a "normal" drinker - I got a lot of satisfaction from drinking with friends, letting loose, hanging out at a bar occasionally. But like you (and many others here) one winds up being 5, 10, a bottle, etc...but you have to want to do it for you.

I wish you the best

shauninspain

Don't feel any sense of shame because you're giving up alcohol 'again'. I have given up many times and have had months of sobriety (not necessarily emotional sobriety) and then drunk again. I'm quite lucky, in that I cannot drink any amount normally for long. Within days it spirals to the point of a walking, slurring blackout and usually ends up with either a) police involvement, or b) shaking on a sofa for 3 days. I have never felt pain like that when recovering from a week long binge. Terrible stuff.

If you are an alcoholic of my sort you won't be able to have a few beers with friends, and leave it at that. As you said you will drink alone and in secret. Normal drinkers do not do this.

I have found so much comfort from this site. I think I am addicted to it!! But that's OK. I would rather rush home from work to log on, than to rush to a bar to do some 'controlled' drinking!

Stick close to here and read/post as much as you can. Nothing will shock the members of this forum as there will be somebody who has done much worse!

Take care, and I look forward to reading more from you asap!

Panache

Shauninspain, again you do now how to make a fellow newcomer welcome my first day and I already feel like I've got a good support network here that I can utilise to help in recovery.

So once again, thank you.

Panache

Indigo I am in the exact same position, I will drink a bottle of wine every night and then 3 of the smaller bottles 187ml and still get up for work the next day feeling as if I have been exhumed. I manage to survive the day, but feel that rough come 5pm, that my only option is to drink again so I feel "normal" and can sleep - an extremely vicious circle.

Hope to see you about on the forum. Welcome

Nattythreads

In my experience it's even more stressful trying to pretend you can be a moderate drinker when the overwhelming historical evidence suggests you're patently not that kind of drinker.

For me it was like continually booking a ticket on the Titanic and believing things would turn out differently each time.

Put all the effort that you put in to trying to moderate in to being sober and I guarantee you'll find it a lot more rewarding.

NapsteR1

same here, I had 48 days sober last year, beginning of this one, managed Xmas and New Year fine, as soon as I got back to work in Jan the pressure hit back in and so did the drinking, on a "just on the weekends" then "ok, just Friday night and Sat, then add Sunday" then "just every other day". I just wrapped up a three week, 3/4 bottle vodka a day session on Monday night and am now drying out with the associated nightmares and night sweats.

for me there really isn't a "couple of pints after work now and again" option, soon as drink 1 is down the hatch something inside fires into "MORE" mode - nothing's more important than ensuring I've got enough in the house and running out means a drunken drive to go get some more and I can say goodbye to the next few weeks normally until I'm too ill to leave the house and get some more.

this time is different in that I've stopped mid cycle as a concious choice rather than an enforced stop.

booze has always been a pressure release valve for me and has been an almost daily feature of my life for coming up for 20 years but unless I want to die at 45 then it's got to stop - never mind loosing my job through loosing my licence = seeing my family out on their arses because I can't pay the mortgage..

Indigo71

Thank you for your posts.

In the past I have stopped for a bit or control it for a while and then think I can be a normal drinker and then it all starts again.

I might not sound so bad now, as I've learnt to control it by not keeping alcohol in the house. In the past I'd have a bottle of wine, then start on anything else left in the house. I use to have 2 bottles of wine, which made the next day horrific, so and then I started getting one bottle and mini bottles.

What has helped the most in controlling it was moving somewhere that didn't have an off licence a walkable distance, so what I bought was all I had access too that night. That and the need to be able to pass as functioning for work the next day. I can relate to your comments Panache.

When I get busy, it's so easy to forget all this, why I stopped drinking, and to end up in the spiral of starting again.

Indigo71

Thanks Nattythreads - I'd never considered how much effort I was putting in to controlling my drinking. After getting through the first few weeks without drinking, what you say makes a lot of sense and directing the effort from controlling it to staying sober should be more rewarding. I have booked many a ticket on the proverbial Titanic - I need to remember that the next time I start off considering that again.

1shorty

today is my first day also i had once quit for 5 years and i will do it again and so can you

Panache

I emphasise with you indigo. Wine is my crutch and I will start with good intentions of having only one bottle then move up to 3-4 small bottles. Sometimes 2 whole bottles.

I felt I'd cut down drinking only a large bottle and 3 small, but now I realise that is no way to live.

1shorty

this morning I came to work feeling back cause i drank to much yesterday now feeling better the craving is starting but i keep reading on this site and it helps

NapsteR1

quite an expensive way to feel great for an hour and crap for a week too.

1shorty

ya but it will get better

soberclover

I too tried to control my drinking in quite the same way with limiting the bottle size, amount bough, drinking beer instead of wine, drinking only at certain times of the day....nothing worked. I have discovered the the alcoholic is a very intelligent creature when it comes to this type of thing. If there was a possible way, the alcoholic would certainly have figured it out. Instead of wasting my energy this way, I am trying to generate more positive energy realizing that I cannot control my drinking and investing my energy in to figuring out who I am. Great reminder post; thank you!

HappyDestiny3

Like it has been said here.. Many of us have to keep trying and over and over..

Before we find our way to sobriety.. The key is you keep trying..

And with each try, give something different a new a go..

Keep reading and posting..

flujays

Hi Indigo, your post could have been written by me! The similarities are quite amazing. We're all here for you and each other, thanks for coming back, we need you as much as you need us. My husband hasn't accepted yet that I'm an alcoholic. I actually have the opposite problem to alot of people here... I think I am but have kept the dirty little secret so well that my hubby doesn't believe me. Go figure! I intend to keep on posting even when I reach long term sobriety. I want to be able to help someone one day like the folks here are helping me.

Marria

I was at day 1 on so many occasions! I joined SR almost 2 years ago and have been posting on and off ever since. For a long time I struggled with my love-hate relationship with wine. I desperately tried to control my drinking and also tried to keep it a secret from others.
Keep going Indigo! No matter how long it takes. Today I am at Day 100 and this fills me with joy! My life is far from perfect but at least I don't have to add to my woes by drinking on top of them.

All the best, Marria

Indigo71

Thanks Soberclover. I'm going to need to keep looking back at these posts to remind me I have a problem. I forget how bad I was in the past, and by controlling it and hiding it for several year, I'm quite good at convincing myself I don't have a problem. But whether out drinking socially or on my own, and whatever I'm drinking, once I've had one, I want more - which is inevitably too much.

Agree that there are better uses to put all that energy too that wasting it pretending I haven't got as problem.

Indigo71

Flujays, it's good to know others have experienced the same. By hiding and controlling the problem, it's easy for it to seem no worse than the drinking of people that don't have a problem. But then I'm amazed at people who can have half finished bottles of wine sat around untouched for a week. And when I polish off a bottle of wine on my own in no time at all, I would hide that fact from anyone.