Murdock80

First off, let me know if I’m posting this in the wrong spot. I apologize if it should be somewhere else.

Well, Day One is over and done with. It was the longest I’ve gone without in quite some time and was kinda tough. I didn’t really begin feeling it until later on in the evening (I guess that’s when my body realized that there was nothing coming). Physically I was shaking a bit, achy, a little dizzy and had some serious stomach pain. Mentally was a completely different beast. I really don’t know how to explain it except that it felt like there was a dark cloud of dread hanging over my head. Not depression, just the feeling that something monumentally bad was going to happen and I could do nothing about it.

Things started to get really weird after I put my kids to bed. I got the shivers followed by the sweats. My mind was racing and I was super jittery (on top of the stomach issues). My wife got home from work and we had a good conversation and I let her know that I was never going to have another drink again. She was super supportive and then I went upstairs and emptied my remaining booze in the sink and brought the bottles out to the recycling.

Next I tried to go to bed around 11 but just couldn’t sleep. I could not get comfortable so I laid there awake until after 2. I heard noises. I actually thought I heard my newborn baby crying twice but found him sleeping when I checked in on him. I read a few threads on here to remain focused (I even tried to use the chat but apparently that doesn’t work on mobile phones?). Eventually I fell asleep, only to wake up at 4:45 after some seriously disturbing nightmares.

I came to work today and feel OK. I still have a sharp pain in my gut and I’m really on edge but I haven’t had the shakes yet so there’s that. From my past experience the real tough times are the end of the second day into the fourth. That’s when it starts to get serious so I’m prepping my body as best I can.

I’ve been extremely successful at blocking out the cravings. If I got a craving yesterday I would either read my kids a book or pick up my guitar. Both were extremely effective. So far today, I’ve engaged my coworkers in conversation any time I get one and that has helped too.

Although I feel really rough right now, I am totally encouraged by the last 40 hours. I got to read stories to my kids sober. I was coherent when my wife got home from work and I could ask her how her day was. These are the little victories that I am going to build off of.

Today I am going to call my parents and let them know everything that has been going on. That will be a huge step. This weekend, I will talk to my in-laws which will be an even bigger step since they tend to drink quite a bit.

Thank you to everyone who posts here. This was my inspiration for quitting and it will remain my support system for continued success.

Grymt

ScottFromWI

Congrats Murdock for making the decision to quit and acting on it. Have you consulted with your doctor at all? As you probably know, withdrawal symptoms can be very severe and many times the worst of it doesn't set in until 48-72 hours after quitting, but it can get bad at any time. And subsequent withdrawals can be worse than previoius ones. Just please be safe and check with your physician if the symptoms don't get better or worsen.

Murdock80

Thanks!

I have not consulted with my physician which is extremely foolish. I called to make an appointment and they could not get me in until later this week. I just couldn’t go another day so I took it upon myself to stop. If things do get bad, I have a friend at work who knows what is going on and I have my family at home so any of them would be able to take the appropriate action. I know this isn’t the proper way to go about it but I couldn’t live another day like that.

Mizzuno

Hey Murdock. Congrats on your resolve to quit drinking. If things get bad for in the next day or so, there is always the hospital. I know that you have a appointment tomorrow, but if things are not right please seek out medical attention. It sounds to me like you are doing well, your clear headed ( as much as one can be)

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you have a backup plan both at work and at home, and also an appt for later in the week. I know when I quit i pretty much laid around the house the first couple days, so props to you for trying to make it happen and go to work at the same time. Just take it easy and ask for help/assistance if you need it. And congrats again for your decision, stay with us and be strong.

duane1

Just know that every day gets a little easier than the last. Take it one day at a time.

shauninspain

It's great to hear that you are coping with the physical side of things, and you sound super determined. Something that made me smile in your post was when you mentioned your dreams!

For me, after a week or so of drinking around the clock, I would suddenly stop, more so out of sickness and desperation than anything else. Then I would begin (amongst other things) to experience the most terrible nightmarish scenes in my head. I wouldn't be asleep, but just with my eyes closed, and trying to stop the shaking. Laying there I would find the most awful visions, in a stream of images sort of way, flowing through my mind, in horrific detail. On one occasion I found that when I lay on my left side I would get the nightmare faces and scenes. However, if I rolled on to my right I would see the most beautiful fractals, and giant otherworldly landscapes! The detail was super sharp and engulfing. My theory was that my mind would be so starved of proper dreaming (due to the lack of real sleep), it would be manically trying to make up for lost time.

You hopefully won't experience this, and I would only see such things after a week on the vodka. However, you may well dream about drinking. I did this often and I would wake up with a start and search around the room for the bottle, hoping that it was only a dream. They're called 'drinking dreams' and are very common.

Anyway great to hear you're getting the benefits of sobriety already. Brilliant stuff!!

NapsteR1

well done mate, what's so interesting about this site is when one attempts to stop or contemplating stopping a host of voices start screaming rationalisations in circles fuelled by genuine feelings of panic and dread. "It's different for me, I really need this" "I can't cope without it" "everyone drinks anyway right" "I'm worrying too much" "I can't deal with the stress of work" "it calms be down" etc etc

I wrapped up a big 3 week binge on Monday and I could have written your first post Murdock word for word.

so it can't actually be some kind of super personal problem that I have and no-one else can relate to then can it!

so - Day 3 tomorrow then, can't believe I got to 48 - people who stopped when I did first are now up past 100 days - and here I am back at 3, hey ho...

it's the right thing to do unless I want to die at 45, which I don't really care about when I'm on it but after about a full week off I really really want to live and not loose my job, home etc either

0percentABV

That's the alcoholic in you realizing that he just got served a death sentence. Be on your toes. He might try to bargain with you for an appeal. Or try to prove he's innocent. Or even a last supper. Screw him. That jerk was going to kill you.

Keep talking about it though. I started a journal and just dumped my thoughts into it. In fact I started it a year ago so I documented by first 4 months of sobriety then I got to document myself getting back on the wagon and the documented my final months when I was at rock bottom. So no matter what happens to you you can look back and see where you were and where you are at now. I re-read mine all the time and it helps me better understand myself and my weaknesses. And whenever I had nothing to update I would revisit a bad moment of drinking and while I would write I would unearth some stuff that I completely forgot about. I made a WordPress site and just kept it private so no one can read it. Plus there's a WordPress app so you can jot stuff down on the fly.

Keep it up though. You got a lot to live for.

Panache

0percentABV I'm with you on that one, I keep a tumblr account that acts as a diary where I can vent my frustrations and chart my mood swings. It's completely anonymous and I use it in a cathartic sense.

I also enjoyed your personification of alcoholism, I refer to mine as "The Grinner" - always on my back!

Hevyn

Very proud of you Murdock. You have a great attitude, even though you're acknowledging it feels strange. I heard and saw things the first few days - I was very jumpy. Once it's over, you never need to go back there. Congratulations on reclaiming your life and getting free.