partofmyjourney

So it's almost midnight and on my third failed "tapering" attempt. I thought if I cut down I could reduce the chance of nasty withdrawal, tonight I planned 6 standard but here I am on my 9th. I'm scared. I have an appt with a psychiatrist Tuesday and will tell him what's happening but I am feeling so alone, so desperate and destitute right now. My husband keeps saying "just stop" but I really thought I may be at risk for severe withdrawal so tried to cut down, but it hasn't worked. I'm not really in a position to do detox but wonder what other choice I have? I spoke with a lovely guy on the aa line last night and it helped alot but I felt so tired and wrecked today that I did not go to the meeting.
I'm terrified atm. I want to just stop but really am worried about how I will feel. And worst of all I keep thinking how unfair it is I can't just have a drink here and there. I KNOW I am an alcoholic; my mother was too and I always thought "why can't you just stop" but she never did. I'm confused and a mess. Yet still drinking.
It's not fun anymore. I need someone to talk to who understands. I'm worried to go to aa in such a small community but might have to bite that bullet. If I see a dr- what can they do to help? Should I ask my hubby to take some time off to make sure I am ok?
Has anyone here been through dts- how long can they last? Feeling like I've hit a wall.
Why do I glamorise & romanticise alcohol in my mind? Why when I have stopped does every book, movie and ad I see say "drink more--- it's fun & relaxing?". This is part of what makes it so hard for me; alcohol is accepted everywhere and I feel like a social outcast to say "no thanks".
Alcoholism is a disease and I am sick with (and of) it right now. It is progressive; from a few to a few more to far to many. I need help but what do I do? I have children that need me and don't know what to do. Today I went into the post office to pick up a package and there were 20+ fridge magnets saying things like "mummy needs wine", "my glass is always half full of wine" "mum realised she only needed one glass a day (with a HUGE glass 3x the woman's size in the pic), and "women can't survive on chocolate alone; they need wine too".... Wtf. Not what I needed to see....

doggonecarl

Speaking for myself, if I could have controlled the amount I drank, I wouldn't have needed to quit drinking. So the thought of tapering never entered my mind; I knew it would fail.

If you are concerned about detox and withdrawls, see your doctor. Please. You need to get past this fear to get on with your recovery. And believe me, your life will get better.

RightLAine

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. First off I think you made a step in the right direction by coming to this sight to try and get support. I just joined last week and I have found it really helpful to read other peoples stories. This seems like a good community of people that understand. With that being said its good you recognize the problem. Us alcoholics can't just have one...I've tried it many times and it never works. I am on day 2 of my sobriety. Yesterday was hard but I woke up this morning feeling great. I am not sure how long you have been drinking or how much but if you are worried about withdraws then you should absolutley talk to a dr. don't be embarressed. Your husband doesnt seem to understand what you are going through. Its not thateasy to just stop. Maybe you can ask hin to go to a meeting with you?? Yesterday I was reading about AVRT...i had saw people talk about it on here. I LOVE what this theory talks about. Tyring googling it. It helped me so much last night resist taking a drink. Welcome to SR I hope the best for you

partofmyjourney

Dear Carl; thank you. I'm scared about now til seeing my dr. It just hit me... I could moderate a bit but know it's all out full blown cravings. I was tempted to drink during the day even.... This is an awful way to feel- thanks for your support x

LadyinBC

You are NOT a lost cause! You are a person that is going thru a hard time right now. We have all been there. "Why can't I just stop?" I said the samething about me the samething about my mom. Like you said, you are sick. It's a disease and it sucks us in and sucks the life out of us.

Going to your doctor is a wonderful idea and so is the psychiatrist. You can beat this and you will beat this. Keep posting here and reading.

partofmyjourney

Dear RL, thank you. I've drank most of my life, 12-30... It started as occasional binges, then a weekly shared bottle or two plus big nights out, then, in the last 4-5 years went from weekly, to two weekly to almost nightly bottles of wine. As a smaller framed female this has not been good. I guess, worst case scenario, my heart or liver gives in or I die in my sleep before I get help this week. I'm a drama queen; I know....
But am really scared.
I hope my dr can help. I'm so scared of being sent to detox or rehab, my husband would die of shame and what will my kids think? Maybe it's for the better. I don't know. But this is hell.
I hope you find the love, support & motivation you need to get better xxxx I KNOW you can xxx

doggonecarl

Whoa, slow down. You haven't even seen your doctor and you are freaking out about rehab. One step at a time here, okay? See your doctor, quit drinking under his/her supervision, then do what ever it takes to stay quit.

If it takes detox/rehab, don't dismiss it. You say it will shame your husband, effect your kids? There are a lot worse things than seeking help with an addiction. There is progressing to a hopeless alcoholic wife and mother.

So please, embrace recovery. It is soooo much better than the alternative.

partofmyjourney

Dear Lady; thank you. I sometimes feel it's all over; that there is nowhere for me to go. My mother was and is 30 years on in denial of mental illness & alcoholism. I am afraid to end up like her. I sometimes wonder if my own alcoholism arose to teach me compassion for her or if it's a genetic curse. I feel as if I am in a hole I can dig myself out of; I want so much more bit see myself as broken by alcohol. It's not something Id wish on my worst enemy and yet here I am....

Grymt

Hi, partofmylourney.
I live outback in a small town (out past Woop-Woop, before The Black Stump). There's a local aa once a week. I've never been. Strangely enough, this evening I went looking for it so maybe I'm working up to that, with the help of sr and my doctor and therapist. It's been a few years since I drank but in growing sober I feel I've gotten into a bit of a rut so I think, bugger it, I'll do all it takes now. I can understand the small community bit. My doctor has been great though and I've got some private help.
Keep posting, hey?

Tryingtomakeit

I hope you find strength knowing you can stop, because you will partofmyjourney. One day at a time . I have to go for a walk or put my mind in another place at times . Find your place within yourself, its there and you will find it. You are worth so much more then wine . Hold your head high, your alive and this is your life , you will not be held down by a bottle again ,scream at the world ! break the bottles . let the world know you will not be taken , that you will fight everyday if you have to. And that you will never , ever give in. That you have today to change ,right now. One day at a time we fight , one day at a time we will learn to live again.

partofmyjourney

Carl. Thanks again. I tried to quote you but not sure how on Iphone? I think Id jump into rehab lol (almost a holiday compared to the hectic pace here- joking!) but feel I can't atm. My anxiety makes me think this is worse than it is and my denial and optimism makes me think it's better... How much did you drink prior to quitting? Regardless- well done. And thank you for helping some random online stranger feel ok. It absolutely means more than you know. I wish SR had a phone buddy system lol; as I would totally be able to bore someone to tears with my woe is me story atm. Prb good they don't! But I need a cyber hug from anyone reading to lift this driven despair. Dee was right... Moderation + Alcoholic = Not a good mix x

ru12

Your doctor will likely give you medication that will allow you to detox safely and much more comfortably than you would by simply stopping abruptly.

Once that is behind you then you need to find a way to live happily sober. I won't lie to you, it was hard for the first few months. But I am so much happier being sober. The simple fact that I don't have to ever drink again and feel that terrible pain again makes me very grateful.

Welcome to SR!

partofmyjourney

Dear Trying To Make It... Thank you. Yes I am more than wine and I do want to scream it at the world; at the desperate recesses of my mind. Have you ever thought of life coaching? As a career I mean! Your words resonated at a primal level. I hope you move from TTMI to Making it to Made It. You are awesome for reaching out & I hope your journey is prolifically life changing in the best of ways. I pray in my atheist- spiritual way that one day we will all be lifted from this suffering xxxx

partofmyjourney

Dear Grymt... Are you in Oz too? So glad you found a meeting xxx it's funny how things just appear (meetings etc) when we need them the most. Much love on your journey. Keep in touch xxx

partofmyjourney

Dear Ru12... Classic username. I almost feel I am (12!) but not sure that's how your username was intended! I hope the dr can help and make the ride a bit less painful. I only wish I could stop seeing quitting as a life sentence. Atm drinking is a life (death) sentence. Well done on your sobriety- keep up the good work and NEVER look back xxx

Grymt

Thanks partofmyjpoureny. All the best to you too. I'll be around. Keep well.

bemyself

Hi Part, I'm in Aus. too! Welcome to SR :-)

And yeh, you clearly want to quit, because you've seen how much the urges and cravings have taken over your real self; as all the members here say: 'been there, got the t-shirt' :-)

Please try to snort derisively (my technique) at your fears about going to the doctor, let alone even an inpatient detox or rehab. As so many here will agree, to do these things will ultimately DECREASE any 'shame' you imagine your hubby and kids might be feeling. Their 'shame' - if it's currently there - is due to your drinking, which will soon be in the past if you can take it on, and say 'begone!'